I totally forgot that there might be DUDES who read this site, so I’ll just say right now: READ AHEAD AT YOUR OWN PERIL. IT’S GIRLY TIMES UP AHEAD.
We had a nudie shoot, Gabrielle gets the boot, Alasia and Ren throw down, there’s a windy and watery fragrance shoot, and Naduah gets the boot. WHEW!!
We open on the girls returning to the house and Raina grins when she sees her winning pic “displayed as digital art” in the house.
Brenda complains about her hair AGAIN and now I know who she reminds me of. She totally reminds me of a ginger Laura Ingalls.
I think that Melissa Gilbert has since gotten her teeth fixed. Brenda, on the other hand, has not.
Brenda implies that her daughter will not recognize her because of her “drastic makeover,” and I laugh heartily at the ridiculousness of such a premise. But Brenda obviously thinks it’s true, so: was it worth it, Brenda? Was it worth it?
Renona Whiner confesses that she thought she was going to be eliminated at the last panel. She says that she would normally have quit after feeling like that, and I’m agog. So, basically, you’re saying that you would have quit if they booted you, but since they didn’t boot you, you’re going to stay. As always on ANTM, I’m astounded by the logic, here.
Our Renona has mommy issues. SURPRISE!! She says that her mother was never nice to her, except in the week before she came to the house. She claims that her mother prefers her brother because he’s an “all-american jockey type.” Your brother is super-short and thin and rides horses? No wonder Mommy loves him more! Jockeys make bank, yo.
She also complains about living in the house once again. I’m just glad that I don’t live there — with Ren.
Tyra Mail! “Your fashion knowledge can really take you places… or maybe not. Loooove, Tyraaaaa!!!” I may have exaggerated that last part just a little bit. But if you watch the show, then you know: not really.
Before we find out where they’re going, Simone informs us that she gave up school to participate in the show. I’m sure she’ll never regret that decision.
The girls are introduced to the FAB BUS. The bus looks like a lot more fun than a limo, because there’s room in it to dance around! Raina dances awkwardly and I take back what I said about the Fab Bus.
Toccara from Cycle 3 magically appears. Alexandra is happy because, for once, she’s not the biggest girl in the room. They’re playing a game in which they have to answer questions about the fashion industry. Toccara splits them into two teams: Red and Blue.
Anslee is on the Red Team and complains about “getting stuck with some duds.” You’d be hard-pressed not to get stuck with some duds as long as the teams are made up of ANTM contestants, honey.
(Psst! That includes you!)
Toccara explains the game. First team to get five questions correct will go on a go-see at the headquarters of Bluefly.com. Toccara then proceeds to rattle off a commercial for Bluefly, and the show adds in a game show applause track, which is pretty hilarious. Each member of the winning team gets $500. But the winner of the go-see gets a $2,500 gift card and will be featured in Bluefly’s spring campaign. Dude, can I participate? I wants me some free goods.
Raina, who got best picture last week, automatically gets to go on the go-see, and doesn’t have to participate in the game.
Let’s get it started!
The girls quiz away. All of the questions are multiple choice, thank God. Can you imagine how many times they’d have to drive around the block at Bluefly Headquarters while they waited for girls to come up with the right answers? Hoo.
Simone is thinking they’re gonna lose because her team is down 3-0, but then she turns the tide of the game by getting an answer right and, before you know it, the score’s tied at 4. Sudden death!!
Simone and Brenda go head-to-head on a question, and Simone buzzes in first! She gets the answer right (it was Heidi Klum. Because, when it comes to modeling, Heidi Klum is always the right answer)! Blue team wins!
Brenda’s team is mad at her, which is kinda understandable, since it was a pretty easy question. But she’s determined not to be too disappointed. Anslee, on the other hand, is madder’n a pig in a poke, and she predicts that she and Brenda will have problems as a result. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but if the other team had a total of five points, doesn’t that mean that a few other people got questions wrong, too? Let’s hate them all equally, Anslee. That’s only fair.
Simone and her team are super-excited, and they show up to Bluefly’s headquarters with Raina in tow. Raina really wants to win the go-see, and she walks into hers with a goofy smile.
Jessica’s next, and they think she’s too skinny. Am I really hearing this? Wow. Could it be that the fashion industry is actually changing?
Ahahahahaha, of course not. And even if the industry were changing, I highly doubt we’d get our first inkling of that through ANTM.
In the meantime, the losing team gets a punishment: they have to help log Bluefly’s inventory. They go to the back room, where all the inventory is in what the copy editor calls “The Cage.” I think they should be more accurate and call it “The Fenced-in Area.”
Back to the go-sees. They like Angelea’s personality. That confuses me, but I don’t even have time to say, “HUH??” before they ask her to “sell” the outfit that she’s wearing. She busts out a bunch of awkward poses and the judges give each other confused looks. I laugh unreservedly.
The ladies say that they like Alexandra’s face and she’d be perfect for “beauty shots,” which basically means that they think she’s a fatty.
Renona Whiner again weighs the question of sanity and happiness vs. modeling. DUDE, just leave already. For the sake of MY sanity and happiness.
The ladies love Simone. Their only concern is that her shoulders are a little athletic, which I actually kinda love.
They also like Krista. They can tell that she loves what she does.
But THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!! The winner is Simone. Good for you, girl.
Jessica plays the sore loser and snits that Simone is pageanty, which I find ironic, given that Jessica’s biggest critique is that she is too pageanty.
Ren and Brenda announce that they’re going to bed and that this means that everyone in their room has to go to bed. The other girls do not take kindly to this bossing and Krista calls her “Gepetto,” and it’s actually hilarious.
Some of the girls wander into the other room for the express purpose of complaining about Brenda. One of them says that she looks like Miranda from “Sex and the City”, and the others laugh as though that were a really scathing insult. The heck??
Then someone else tries, and goes for Chucky. A little better, I suppose.
Come on, people, if you want really hideous, try Clay Aiken!
Renona Whiner claims that she just “can’t put up with this.” So she takes the high road — and tattles to Brenda. It stands mentioning that she was sitting in that room, listening to them gossip for the entire conversation. No wonder Mom likes your brother better.
Brenda, of course, is hurt — not because they’re insulting her, but because they insulted her makeover, which, to Brenda, is tantamount to “laughing in Tyra’s face.” Even after all the ridiculousness I’ve come to expect from this show, that statement still made me roll my eyes.
So she goes to confront the girls. Oh, excuse me, did I say “confront”? I mean to say “gossip about”. She claims to the girls in the kitchen about the other girls’ behavior, telling them that the other girls said that she was “ugly” (Brenda’s emphasis there) because of her haircut.
When Anslee says that she didn’t think that the other girls called her ugly, Brenda haughtily interrupts her, asking, “Were you in the room?” I will respond to your question with your own question and ask, “Were you in the room?” Because she totally wasn’t; she heard this from Ren. I’m actually quite shocked that no one else said that. Come on, people! It’s like shooting fish in a barrel!!
Oh, and did I mention that Brenda’s wearing the ugliest beanie ever knitted? That’s Ugly Headgear #7 for the series. She looks like a twelve-year-old chemo patient. If she really wants to be a model, maybe she should just call the Make-A-Wish Foundation.
So, anyway, Brenda and Anslee throw down. It’s nowhere on the level of Alasia’s screaming fits. She could show them a thing or two about stirring up drama in the house.
Hey, that reminds me: we haven’t seen her at all this episode. Could it be that she’s learned something about getting along with the other girls since the last ep?
Ahahahaha, of course not. I’m sure well see evidence of that soon enough.
In the morning, Anslee apologizes for waking people up with her yelling. She seems quite smug. I’m guessing she won the fight. Not hard to do, since most of Brenda’s comebacks probably amounted to “Oh, yeah?” and “Well… well… FINE!!”
Renona complains AGAIN and claims that she wants her quiet life back. THEN QUIT, REN. Seriously.
Tyra Mail!! “Top models always need to be in step.” Ooh, what in the world could that mean? Seriously, though, they’ve done a much better job of making Tyra Mail more enigmatic this cycle.
The girls arrive at a dance studio and are greeted by Jay Manuel. He asks them what their inspiration is, and we hear the standard answers: “my child” “my parents” “a cheeseburger” (that one was either me or Alexandra; I can’t remember).
Well, it turns out that today’s photoshoot is portraying dance. Which really has absolutely nothing to do with Jay’s question. Nice one, Jay.
Brenda says that she can only dance when she gets a little tipsy at the club. Correction, Brenda: you only think you can dance when you get a little tipsy at the club. I’m sure it just looks like a slow-mo version of the usual awkwardness.
Troy Powell is their coach. He danced for the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theatre for ten years, which means that he must actually be pretty ossom. The girls will each be representing a different genre of dance, and Troy will teach them some moves and positions.
Vincent Oquendo is the makeup artist. What the heck happened to Sutan? Did he do something to provoke the wrath of Tyra?
Up first is Anslee, representing rhythmic dance. I always thought it was “rhythmic gymnastics,” which totally reminds me of Get in Shape, Girl!
Ahh, the 80s. It was… an ugly time.
And, OOH, SHENANIGANS!!! I totally just did, like, two minutes of internet research, and all of it is telling me that what we’re seeing Anslee doing isn’t rhythmic dance at all: it’s rhythmic gymnastics, just like I thought! Take that, show!!
But back to things that people other than I care about: Jay says Anslee’s lookin’ pretty (and you totally know he dropped that “g”), but missed the model flow. Maybe because you didn’t give her a real dance to do, show.
Jessica has salsa, and she keeps moving frenetically. It is not pretty.
Angelea is moshing. She gives a lot of angry faces and Jay asks if moshing is all about anger. Angelea replies that it’s also about pain, and, after that, her shoot goes a lot better.
Tatianna is tap, and her outfit is awful — hot pants cut to make her hips look larger than Alexandra’s.
Renona Whiner complains some more. PLEASE. PLEASE eliminate her.
Ren is disco. Jay confesses that, when he first saw her, he immediately thought she was a model. But every week she’s less inspired, and he thinks that the judges will eventually tire of her look and see through to whether or not she had talent or not. She is awfully boring on film. Even Angelea is easier to look at.
Alexandra is breakdancing, and she channels Run DMC. As though she’s ever heard of them, aside from possibly watching “Run’s House” on MTV.
Raina is jazz, and she does great. That’s nothing new, so: moving on.
Brenda proudly dons Ugly Headwrap #8!! One girl wearing ugly headgear twice and getting into a fight all in the same show? That’s gotta be some sort of record.
She has African dance. Her energy is way low, and Jay calls her on it. Anslee gloats openly at Brenda’s struggling. She’s trying to jump on a trampoline to get some action shots, but she’s not getting the count right. Hee, she can’t even jump correctly!
Krista has ballet. Her moves are, shall we say, less than graceful.
Simone is hip-hop. Jay says that she’s a little too studied and her face is vacant. Simone is disappointed with her shoot, and cries beautifully.
Alasia has interpretive dance. I’m sure that I’m not alone in expecting her to fall flat on her face, but she KNOCKS. IT. OUT. Jay is all praise and wonder, and she’s excited about it because she’s finally getting something besides snorting laughs and disappointment in reaction to her photoshoot.
Tyra Mail. Eliminations!
Ren complains as usual about “missing her life.” The girls finally can’t take any more of her crap and ask her: if she could be anywhere in the world, where would she want to be?
When she can’t answer right away, one of the girls asks if she’s going to cry, which send some of the other girls into gales of laughter. It’s actually quite cruel, the way they’re blatantly taking pleasure in her hurt. Granted, she is annoying, but she’s still a human being, people. It’s one thing for her to cry about something stupid; it’s another thing altogether to make her cry because you know she’s an easy target.
That said, she’s still ridiculous, and I hope to God she gets the boot.
Panel! We are re-introduced to the judges. Sean Patterson, president of Wilhelmina Models, is the guest judge. I find this a little odd, as he was not featured in the episode at all.
On to the photos!
Jessica is first up. Her salsa pic had no emotion, and not enough fashion in it. ALT tells her she’s patently gauche (it means awkward. That’s okay; I had to look it up, too. I’m learning so much more French since ALT joined the judging panel!)
Raina is jazz, and all the judges rave. It is a pretty good pic.
Anslee had rhythmic gymnastics (I won’t call it something it’s not, show), and her picture is too “conscious.”
Simone is also patently gauche, but in a good way, according to ALT. Tyra doesn’t like her picture, though. She thinks it’s too safe, and I actually agree with Tyra, for once. Tyra advises Simone to find a moment. Simone nods, but I’m sure she has no clue what that’s supposed to mean.
Tatianna’s legs are looking NARSTY in her tap dance pic. Yikes, does she ever look awkward. Nigel says that it’s a dynamite close-up, though. That’s because her mouth is closed, Nigel. But Tyra informs her that the rest of her film was a disaster, and she just lucked into a good shot.
Brenda came to panel dressed like a mom. ALT calls her “dreckitude,” a word that is working its way into everyday speech at an alarming pace. The judges keep talking to her about her age and how she needs to be mindful of how much of an old hag she is. Well, maybe they didn’t say it in those words, but you and I know what they meant. As for her African dance picture, Sean Patterson says it reminds him of an “SNL” skit, in that it looks like a farce. Anslee doesn’t bother to hide her mirth at hearing this.
Alasia is next, and ALT “ooh, child“s her, and tells her to take off her jacket. That turns out to be a huge mistake because girlfriend is wearing a skimpy, silver swimsuit underneath. The judges are agog with disgust. But they rave unanimously about her interpretive dance photo. Sean Patterson quips that her photo is as good as her outfit is bad. Nice one, Sean!
Alexandra had breakdancing, and the judges agree that her pic is amazing, except for her necklessness. Krista smugly points that out immediately.
Angelea’s moshing photo is also amazing. Even I have to admit it. But somehow, she doesn’t seem pleased, as she refuses to smile throughout the duration of panel.
Krista had ballet. Her neck is great. And Tyra says that her awkward hands make the shot “fashion.”
Ren did disco, and the photo’s “not fashion,” according to ALT. Ren complains about the “drama” in the house. Sean Patterson actually gives her some sage advice, telling her that she’s going to have to leave any personal stuff off set if she wants to be a successful model. They ask her if she wants to stay or go. Tension! And, then: commercial!
And we’re back, and where were we? Oh, yeah: tension! Will she stay or will she go? Aww, she says she wants to stay. Wuss.
The judges dismiss the girls as they deliberate.
Jessica: Her pic is okay, but too obvious. She wasn’t convincing, and the judges wanted to be convinced.
Anslee: She has no imagination. She had energy, but her body awareness was bad in this shoot. I’m going to give her a pass, though, because it’s not her fault that she got a bogus dance to do.
Simone: She seems confused. Nigel claims that he loves hip-hop, which makes me guffaw, and that what Simone was doing was not hip-hop. I try to imagine Nigel krumping, and am unsuccessful in my endeavor.
Alexandra: She has confidence. I think they’re confusing a competitive streak borne of bad body image with confidence.
Tatianna: ALT proclaims her dreckitude. I don’t get it; is it an adjective or a noun? Because I think he’s been using it both ways. In either case, I agree: Tatianna is dreckitude, especially when she bares those fangs of hers.
Krista: Her face is beautiful.
Angelea: The judges think it’s a “wow” shot.
Ren: Her pic is a mess. Will they boot her? Come on, boot her!
Brenda: ALT announces that she is the Dreckitude Winner of the Week. Um, yay? Her picture has no edge.
Raina: They love her pic; it’s high-fashion.
Alasia: Her photo is gorgeous — it is pretty amazing. But she’s only gorgeous in the photo; in person, she’s a wreck. A dreck wreck, André?
The Dreck Awards have been given, and the judges have made a decision.
The Spiel. Who’s this week’s winner?
It’s Alasia. She wins on a day in which she looks like absolute crap at panel. Good for her. The picture is gorgeous.
Angelea, who finally cracks a smile for the first time all panel.
There’s weird electronica elimination music this week. It is quite strange.
Raina Wait a minute, they called Jessica before Raina? If I recall correctly, they had complaints about Jessica’s picture and nothing but raves about Raina’s. Shenanigans!! SHENANIGANS!!
Ren and Brenda step forward. Tyra whispers, “Two beautiful young ladies stand before me, but I only have one photo in my hands.” Hahaha, oh, Tyra. It stops being dramatic after fourteen cycles, you know.
Tyra looks at Ren and says that she’s doing it for the wrong reasons. Ren actually nods at this, and Tyra calls her on it. Cornered, Ren panics and babbles that she’s only doing this to get Mommy’s attention. Tyra asks her if she really wants this, and Ren says that she likes modeling…
What’s that noise? Oh, it’s the final nail in Ren’s coffin. Brenda’s still in the running to become America’s Next Top Model, and that’s actually as it should be.
See ya, REN!! And good riddance! Tyra encourages her to communicate her unhappiness with her mother. The other girls are practically grinning in their glee.
Ren waves a half-hearted goodbye to the girls, and hugs no one. None of the girls seem to much care. Good riddance, I say. Smell you later, Renona Whiner!!
That reminds me, KTLA 5, the local CW station, totally ran a news teaser that they’d have a morning interview with the latest model to get the boot on ANTM, and then they totally showed a clip of Ren. This was about fifteen minutes before the end of the ep. And you didn’t spoiler-warn me, you punks!! Boo on you, KTLA. BOO on YOU!!
But I digress.
Next week on ANTM: jumping and falling? I have no idea what they’re supposed to be doing. There’s going to be a Cover Girl challenge in Time Square. It looks like they’ll be doing a live commercial there. Ooh, that’s going to be just delicious. They’re also going to do a vampire shoot. I demand to know where all the glitter is. Stephanie Meyer told me that vampires are supposed to sparkle, dangit!!
Anyhoots, so here’s my take on the pics. As always, the photos are edited for modesty by moi (OOH, I just spoke French. Does that mean that ALT is influencing me?)
What the heck is this pose? She looks like she’s trying to “raise the roof,” but she’s got mono or something, so she has absolutely no strength at all. Her face is all kinds of boring, too. This was deservedly the worst pic of the bunch this week.
Oh, Brenda. This pose is so boring, and your face is even worse. Not to beat a dead horse, but you look like a dead horse. You’re only lucky that Ren did worse than you did this week. But I’m sure you’ll remedy that next week.
Good God, she looks like she’s taking a crap right here and now. Is this an ad for Oops I Crapped My Pants? Geez.
Lucky for Tatianna, though, her face does look okay, here. Thanks to the lighting, I can see her cheekbones. But I give her two more weeks; maybe three, if they eliminate Simone for being the “pretty, but boring” girl.
What’s with the toilet humor this week? Tatianna’s advertising an adult diaper this week, and Alexandra looks like she should be wearing a t-shirt that says, “It was ME!”
Oh, who am I kidding? I’ll work a good fart joke in wherever I possibly can. Because I’m twelve.
Seriously, though, I suppose it’s mostly not her fault that I don’t like the pic. I thought the wardrobe was SO not breakdancing. And who breaks in heels (give it the right inflection, folks. Obviously, I don’t mean “breaking them in.” I mean “breakin’.” As in Electric Boogaloo)? I would’ve bought the pic more, though, if she’d either straightened her leg or bent it across as though she were doing a freeze.
I guess this picture is okay; her hands and legs are decent. But her face; dear Lord, her face! It’s so boring! So blank! Salsa is supposed to be full of passion and fire. I should know; I took my first Zumba class today. But Jess is looking bored, which makes me bored when I look at this pic.
Okay, so it’s no secret that I think Simone is so pretty, but even I have to agree that this picture is boring. Her body language is slightly more interesting than Jessica’s, but only slightly. If she doesn’t shape up fast, she’s going to get the boot for being pretty, but boring. Oh, well; at least she’ll have a $2,500 credit at Bluefly.com and a pic in their spring campaign.
I really didn’t get why this photo was so hated at panel. I actually think her movement in the pic is striking, and her face is interesting. She looks like she’s actually doing rhythmic gymnastics (because that’s what it is, show). Maybe that’s why the judges didn’t like it; she took it too literally.
Well, then, they should’ve given her a real dance to do in the first place.
I thought this was a pretty good pic. Her face isn’t great, but it never is. Her body, on the other hand, is amazing. I love the motion captured in this photograph.
I’ll be darned if this ain’t a good pic. Krista’s neck looks beautiful, and her pose is actually reminiscent of a Degas painting. Given how awkward she was during the shoot, I was really shocked at how well her photo came out. I’d have liked it better if her toes had been more pointed, but, still, I was impressed.
Two things about this pic that surprised me: the first thought that popped into my head when I saw it was “Bob Fosse!” So Raina really did a great job of evoking jazz here.
The second surprise was that I completely forgot about her eyebrows until right this minute. I know. That’s how good this pic is. Her body is interesting, her face is good, and her hands are so, so graceful. I think Raina’s really starting to win me over.
This photo was jaw-droppingly amazing. The flow of the garment, the relaxed position of her hands and feet, her serene expression — this picture is absolutely stunning. And it really does a great job of selling the garment, too. It really gets across the floaty feel of the fabric. I can’t believe that Alasia — our screaming, hissy-fit-throwing Alasia — was able to pull this off.
Don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll be right back to screaming and catfights next week.