Last week on ANTM: Drama! Subways! Crying! Gums!! And the gums are eliminated! Seven girls remain! Who will be eliminated tonight! That should have been a question! But I’m too excited by this crazy music to use any other punctuation mark!
Back at the house, Angelea rejoices that she got the best photo of the week and that Brenda got the boot at the same time.
Krista is the new Angelea in that she hasn’t yet gotten the top pic of the week. Apparently, she is ready to beat you down to get a #1 pic.
Alexandra feels like she’s not in the same category as the other girls. Uh, that’s because you aren’t, honey. You’re a plus-sized model. She doesn’t get how she hasn’t won anything yet. I think that’s more a matter of her blah personality.
Raina and Jessica console one another over Brenda’s booting with the idea that Brenda is happier where she is now. It’s like she’s died. I guess to a hamster, that’s more or less the same thing.
Raina says that she doesn’t know what she’ll do if Jessica gets the boot because then she’ll have no more friends in the house. Somehow, that gives me the impression that she really wouldn’t mind much if Jessica got booted as long as she got to stick around.
They make nice to Alasia, their remaining roommate. Alasia is determined to learn. She’s on a journey of learning. Is a class on cheesy illustrations compulsory at the elementary schools in Marietta?
Anslee doesn’t know how to read Alexandra. But, as I’m sure you’re all aware, she’s here to do this for her family blahblahblah*SNORE*.
Pat Cleveland and Whitney Port barge into the girls’ penthouse via the elevator. Whitney is introduced by Pat and the girls cheer for her. I have no idea who she is. The internet tells me she’s on “The Hills.” I have no idea what that is. Then, the internet tells me that’s that show with that kid from that show about the “real” OC. If by “real” you mean fake boobs and tans, then, yeah. I have absolutely no interest in this Whitney Port. Except that her last name is Port. And I could use a little port right about now.
Whitney’s taking the girls out and they get to wear clothes from her clothing line. They cheer.
Pat is wearing the craziest falsies ever. She’s also going to be talking to the girls as they get ready to coach them in how to make sure that their personalities shine through.
Krista loves big and bold, so Pat tells her to make sure that comes out in her personality. Jessica feels like royalty in her dress, so Pat tells her to make sure that comes out in her personality. Raina explains that Pat is trying to get them to embody their personalities. By just telling them to make sure that random traits come out in their personalities? That’s not coaching, my friend.
Pat gives Alexandra some weird speech about being a bird. This is just awful.
The girls go to Lucky Cheng’s, which turns out to be a drag cabaret. Jessica is scared. Paulina the Princess of Power greets everyone and welcomes them to Lucky Cheng’s, the Drag Queen Capital of the World. And I thought it was Ocean Avenue here in Long Beach on a Saturday night.
Angelea confesses that some people think she looks like a drag queen, so she shouldn’t have any trouble with this challenge. Dang it, she stole my line. I was totally thinking that the minute I saw this was going to be a tranny challenge.
There’s a “dragalicious Tyra,” as Krista puts it. It’s really just a drag queen holding four ANTM photos like Tyra at Elimination. The queens dance. Anslee thinks she can’t compete with a drag queen. Paulina the Princess of Power looks like Rachel Dratch. This is unsettling.
Jay Alexander is also there, wearing light dragface, but no hair.
WOW, Raina looks so draggy. Draggy enough to make up for Jay Alexander’s apparent lack of falsies.
It’s a runway challenge with personality, which is supposedly what Pat taught them today. She taught them nothing! This is a sham!!
Alasia’s afraid of being “whomp-whomped” or booed, which is a hilarious way to put it.
There’s a lot of Rachel Dratch in this post, for some reason.
Angelea’s up first. If that’s her personality, then she’s very awkward. But she thinks that she did her thing. Excuse me; I do believe I meant thang.
Jessica’s walk was stiff, but she says she was going for classy. It’s sad to me what her idea of “classy” is.
Alasia is boring. She says she was going for diva, but it just results in her stomping down the runway without a smile.
Alexandra brings the personality — that is, the personality of a horse. Her horse stomps are ridiculous.
Raina rips down the runway, and Jay Alexander calls her “sizzle, sizzle.” She does twirls because everybody knows that twirls mean personality! *cue jazz hands*
Krista does kind of a ghetto walk, with a mannequin pose at the end that was kinda genius.
Jessica praises Krista’s walk, even though she finds Krista “kinda bossy.”
Anslee tries to be herself. She is boring beyond all belief. Jay says that she walks like she smells burnt garbage. She had no energy.
The audience gets to cheer for their favorite. Alasia gets applause. Angelea gets Applause. Anslee gets absolute silence! Hahahaha!!! That’s classic! She slinks offstage in defeat.
Raina, Jessica and Alexandra get polite applause. Krista gets a rousing ovation, and she is clearly the winner.
Alexandra is disappointed again. Krista is crowned with a tiara and also gets a… what is that? A scepter? A wand? But she declares that she won’t be satisfied until she gets the pic of the week.
Krista and Angelea, who got best picture last week, get to keep their dresses from Whitney’s line, and get to pick five pieces on top of that.
Back at the ranch, Anslee and Angelea talk smack about Jessica’s walk (which, it must be confessed, was quite boring). Anslee says that her walk was stern and strong, which is her personality. She feels like she stayed true to herself. Honey, stern/strong doesn’t equal boring.
Tyra Mail! “Tomorrow could be a hairy situation. Don’t get tangled. Love, Tyra!”
“Ew!” says one of the girls. That makes me wonder what the heck she thinks that means.
Alasia is late again. She’s taking her time, despite the fact that Raina tells her she has four minutes to go. The girls finally have enough and go down without her. She freaks out. Are there no stairs? What happens if there’s a fire?
She freaks out again and keeps pressing the button again and again.
Alasia finally hoofs it down the stairs. “Ain’t nobody told me we was leaving,” she protests. Uh, yeah, they totally did.
Someone calls her an idiot once she gets in the car, and she takes it because it’s her own fault. At least she’s taking responsibility.
The photograhper is Jerry Metellus. Jay Manuel explains that Tyra often talks about making your own “wind in the hair,” but asks, “What if you are wearing outfits made entirely of hair?” Apparently, Kate Moss wore one recently and “mama was working it.”
This is a team challenge. The team captains will be Weaven Steven and Derek J. They make couture out of hair. We see pictures of their work, and there’s a picture of a merman that is ossom.
Alasia’s freaking out about the origins of the hair used in these creations.
Alasia, Jessica and Alexandra are with Derek. The leftovers are with Steven.
Krista’s ready to throw down. The girls taunt each other over the barrier separating the teams.
The hair garments are interesting. Certain pieces get glued to them and Angelea inform us that the glue stinks. An off-camera voice informs us that the glue “smells like a**.” Hee!
Anslee is determined to throw off the other team by taunting them. The girls’ attempts at taunting are so stupid as to make me embarrassed for them. “You call that a pose?” “Home Depot called and they want their rug back!” “Epic failure!” *sigh*
Jessica thought it was really hard. She tries some jumping, but it doesn’t work out the way it did a few challenges ago.
Angelea isn’t swaying enough to suit Jay. The other girls laugh at her, but her photos turn out well.
Raina gets a bunch of good shots.
Anslee does some salsa steps in her hair dress. She is determined to put her own twist on what Jay has to say to “prove to her family that she can do this.” The heck?? How the heck does that prove anything, much less to her family? Even Derek joins in on the taunting. Jay thinks Anslee doesn’t understand modeling.
Krista’s bound and determined to do well today. She wants to try a Grace Jones jump, but Jay tells her she must commit completely to the moves. The results are quite fierce. Krista delivered today.
Alasia’s next. she’s determined to prove herself because she was in the bottom two last week. Jay wants her to change her facial expressions. She’s got three shots that she keeps doing over and over.
Alexandra is looking nervous. Her gyrations are really stiff and weird. And the reflection of the photoshoot backdrop makes her look orange, like she has a bad Oompa Loompa tan. Ooh, that was not good. She might be in the bottom this week.
Tyra Mail! Eliminations!
Raina asks in a perky voice, “Who’s going home tomorrow?” That’s really annoying. If I were there, I would SO have wanted to smack her.
Anslee doesn’t want to think about her chances of going home. She must know she didn’t do well.
Krista said that everyone’s going in scared. She does Alexandra’s nails. She thinks Alexandra’s losing herself a little bit.
Panel! So, what is Tyra wearing today? Another pantsuit, but a little less 80s. A bit of an improvement, but not by much. She lists the sponsors, and I love how whenever they show Seventeen magazine, they show Nicole’s cover for a split second before covering her with someone else.
Judges! This week’s guest judge is Whitney Port. She’s rather a plain girl, I must say.
ALT says that he has been up all night and is exhausted. The judges are all pretending to be sleepy. They pull out pillows and sleep on them. It’s unbelievably cheesy.
This cowboy walks in, and Tyra says that she needs help to fall asleep. The cowboy says in a Kiwi accent that counting sheep can help you fall asleep. There are sheep at panel. There are cardboard clouds that descend from the ceiling with Zs attached to them. The judges each pull a Z off a cloud, and the worldwide destination this cycle is revealed to be New Zealand (hardy har har har, show). The girls jump up and down. One of them will look back bitterly on all that jumping up and down, since she won’t be going. Only six of the remaining seven girls will go to New Zealand.
Jessica’s up first. In her best shot, her toes are pointed in midair, but her face is rather boring to me. Tyra says she looks like an up-and-comer/one to watch in fashion.
Krista’s pic is absolutely gorgeous. Her angles are beautiful and her face is freakin’ amazing. Tyra loved going through Krista’s film, since each shot was beautiful and unique. Krista remembered her face in every single shot that week. If she doesn’t win, it’ll be shenanigans
Anslee’s up next and the way her train is swirling is nice, and her eyes are fierce. But Whitney thinks she looks a little stiff and ALT doesn’t like her “stereotypical” toe point.
Alasia’s next. Her feet are high fashion. ALT thinks the shot is very Alexander McQueen. Her face is a little boring, though, and Tyra warns her that all of her frames were pretty much the same.
Alexandra’s next. Her shot is… well her body is decent, but ALT says her hands are awkward. I agree with ALT. The judges think her face is great, but her body looks rather stiff to me.
Angelea. Whitney thinks her body looks great. They think she has control of her face, but I disagree. She looks like she’s making a lot of effort to get her face the way it is. I think her feet and legs are stiff, too.
Raina’s last, and the judges think her coat is high fashion, and so is she. Her shot is good, but not necessarily her best.
Jessica. The model’s job is to work whatever she’s given, but Tyra thinks it’s too on the nose, dancer-wise.
Krista. Nigel thinks she’s come such a long way. I actually agree; she’s really grown on me.
Anslee. She was Whitney’s least favorite.
Alasia. ALT think she’s very Givenchy. Whitney loves her pic as well.
Alexandra. Whitney thinks something about this picture is off. Alexandra doesn’t seem to be connected to what she’s doing and what she thinks she’s doing. Her proportions are spot-on for a plus-sized model, though, according to Nigel.
Angelea. ALT is surprised by her every week. He likes that she challenges his concept of what a model should be. Uh, you mean, like a female model should be female? I find that challenging to believe when I look at Angelea.
Raina. Her eyes are breathtaking. No dreckitude for her this week.
Tyra asks if they have a decision. ALT baas in response.
So, who’s this week’s winner? Seven beautiful young ladies, only six photos, representing the six who will go to New Zealand.
This week’s winner will be flying first class to New Zealand. MAN, can I win it??? I wanna fly first class. To New Zealand.
It’s gotta be Krista. And it is! She’s so excited, and she should be. She kinda rubs it in to the other girls, but not in a mean way.
Angelea is second. She’s excited about going to New Zealand, too.
Anslee and Alexandra step up (2 the streets? No, not this time. But wouldn’t that be amazing?). Anslee’s face is stunning, but they fear she might just a beauty model, which, as Tyra explains, means modeling from the chest up. Her H2T (head to toe, for those not in the know) shots are bland. Alexandra’s pix are decent, but she pulls it out every once in a while. The judges are feeling a lack of drive, which is funny because they didn’t mention that at all during her critique.
Dude, and they totally let Alexandra stay.
Anslee’s out, which is too bad for her husband and kid. Eh, they’ll get over it.
Tyra is sad because she loves Anslee’s face. Then she calls it “handsome.” Uh, wow. Is that a Freudian slip or what?
Anslee goes and hugs the girls.
Krista’s flying first class, and she chooses Angelea to fly in first class with her.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Anslee packs up. She’s disappointed. She says that she’s excited to see her child, but she’s devastated that she let her daughter down. Somehow, I’m seeing her devastation much more than I’m seeing her happiness to be reunited with her daughter.
Later, Anslee. We’re already over it.
Next week: the girls get to New Zealand and head straight to go-sees. Alasia leaves her map at her last go-see. Antics ensue!
There will also be a photoshoot with sheep, and the girls will fall all over the hillside. Those sheep do look delightfully woolly, and I want to hug one.
Ahh, now that that’s overwith, we can move on to RANKINGS!
Boy, is this picture awkward. The train of the dress is moving nicely, but Anslee’s body looks so stiff. Her eyes are strong, but strong eyes don’t trump a stiff, mannequin body, no matter how supermodelquinny that body is.
Okay, so Alexandra’s face is beautiful here, but it’s not that beautiful. The picture is decent, but the pose is awfully posey. I think the judges were right in their assessment that her pix are always decent, but rarely ossom. I don’t foresee her sticking around for much longer.
The judges seemed to love this pic, but I have to completely disagree. It doesn’t look high-fashion. She looks like she’s at a ghetto party, saying, “Ooh, child!” I don’t like that her feet are planted on the ground. I also think her face shows all the effort of her movement. I also think that her hair helps the shot, but she had no hand in that.
Jessica’s picture is decent, I suppose, but this isn’t anything we haven’t already seen from her. Is she going to rely on jumping shots forever? Her face is pretty, but it’s still kinda boring. If she doesn’t get some energy up in there, she won’t make it all the way.
I think Raina has misinterpreted the Second Amendment.
All kidding aside, Raina’s arms look so stiff, here. I like that her jump looks effortless; it’s as though they dropped her from the ceiling instead of having her jump. And her face is good. But her arms — they’re showing all the effort of her jump that isn’t showing in her face. That’s a shame.
Alasia’s pose here is gorgeous, but I cannot deny that her face is a wee bit boring. It kinda works in this shot, but I can’t help thinking that it was just a lucky coincidence. I do think, however, that it was total shenanigans that she got called fifth. Even if Angelea’s shot was as good as the judges claimed, there’s no way that Jessica’s shot was as good as Alasia’s. The swish in the train of the skirt alone is worth a step up from fifth place.
This picture is undeniably fierce, and deservedly first. Her body is amazing. Her hands are relaxed. And her face is absolutely amazing. There’s energy, but also a strange serenity.
So that’s just my opinion. What did you think?