Archive for April, 2010

America’s Next Top Model, C14E07 Recap: “Big Hair Day”

Last week on ANTM: Drama! Subways! Crying! Gums!! And the gums are eliminated! Seven girls remain! Who will be eliminated tonight! That should have been a question! But I’m too excited by this crazy music to use any other punctuation mark!

Back at the house, Angelea rejoices that she got the best photo of the week and that Brenda got the boot at the same time.

Krista is the new Angelea in that she hasn’t yet gotten the top pic of the week. Apparently, she is ready to beat you down to get a #1 pic.

Alexandra feels like she’s not in the same category as the other girls. Uh, that’s because you aren’t, honey. You’re a plus-sized model. She doesn’t get how she hasn’t won anything yet. I think that’s more a matter of her blah personality.

Raina and Jessica console one another over Brenda’s booting with the idea that Brenda is happier where she is now. It’s like she’s died. I guess to a hamster, that’s more or less the same thing.

Raina says that she doesn’t know what she’ll do if Jessica gets the boot because then she’ll have no more friends in the house. Somehow, that gives me the impression that she really wouldn’t mind much if Jessica got booted as long as she got to stick around.

They make nice to Alasia, their remaining roommate. Alasia is determined to learn. She’s on a journey of learning. Is a class on cheesy illustrations compulsory at the elementary schools in Marietta?

Anslee doesn’t know how to read Alexandra. But, as I’m sure you’re all aware, she’s here to do this for her family blahblahblah*SNORE*.

Pat Cleveland and Whitney Port barge into the girls’ penthouse via the elevator. Whitney is introduced by Pat and the girls cheer for her. I have no idea who she is. The internet tells me she’s on “The Hills.” I have no idea what that is. Then, the internet tells me that’s that show with that kid from that show about the “real” OC. If by “real” you mean fake boobs and tans, then, yeah. I have absolutely no interest in this Whitney Port. Except that her last name is Port. And I could use a little port right about now.

Who the heck are you, you generic blonde?

Whitney’s taking the girls out and they get to wear clothes from her clothing line. They cheer.

Pat is wearing the craziest falsies ever. She’s also going to be talking to the girls as they get ready to coach them in how to make sure that their personalities shine through.

Seriously. They looked like this, but black and more spidery.

Krista loves big and bold, so Pat tells her to make sure that comes out in her personality. Jessica feels like royalty in her dress, so Pat tells her to make sure that comes out in her personality. Raina explains that Pat is trying to get them to embody their personalities. By just telling them to make sure that random traits come out in their personalities? That’s not coaching, my friend.

Pat gives Alexandra some weird speech about being a bird. This is just awful.

The girls go to Lucky Cheng’s, which turns out to be a drag cabaret. Jessica is scared. Paulina the Princess of Power greets everyone and welcomes them to Lucky Cheng’s, the Drag Queen Capital of the World. And I thought it was Ocean Avenue here in Long Beach on a Saturday night.

Come on, babe, why don't we paint the town... and your face?

Angelea confesses that some people think she looks like a drag queen, so she shouldn’t have any trouble with this challenge. Dang it, she stole my line. I was totally thinking that the minute I saw this was going to be a tranny challenge.

There’s a “dragalicious Tyra,” as Krista puts it. It’s really just a drag queen holding four ANTM photos like Tyra at Elimination. The queens dance. Anslee thinks she can’t compete with a drag queen. Paulina the Princess of Power looks like Rachel Dratch. This is unsettling.

Okay, so this is a costume, but it's not that far off.

Jay Alexander is also there, wearing light dragface, but no hair.

WOW, Raina looks so draggy. Draggy enough to make up for Jay Alexander’s apparent lack of falsies.

It’s a runway challenge with personality, which is supposedly what Pat taught them today. She taught them nothing! This is a sham!!

Alasia’s afraid of being “whomp-whomped” or booed, which is a hilarious way to put it.


There’s a lot of Rachel Dratch in this post, for some reason.

Angelea’s up first. If that’s her personality, then she’s very awkward. But she thinks that she did her thing. Excuse me; I do believe I meant thang.

Jessica’s walk was stiff, but she says she was going for classy. It’s sad to me what her idea of “classy” is.

Alasia is boring. She says she was going for diva, but it just results in her stomping down the runway without a smile.

Alexandra brings the personality — that is, the personality of a horse. Her horse stomps are ridiculous.

Stomp, stomp, stomp!

Raina rips down the runway, and Jay Alexander calls her “sizzle, sizzle.” She does twirls because everybody knows that twirls mean personality! *cue jazz hands*

Suck it, Rowles!

Krista does kind of a ghetto walk, with a mannequin pose at the end that was kinda genius.

Mannequin genius!

Jessica praises Krista’s walk, even though she finds Krista “kinda bossy.”

Anslee tries to be herself. She is boring beyond all belief. Jay says that she walks like she smells burnt garbage. She had no energy.

The audience gets to cheer for their favorite. Alasia gets applause. Angelea gets Applause. Anslee gets absolute silence! Hahahaha!!! That’s classic! She slinks offstage in defeat.

Raina, Jessica and Alexandra get polite applause. Krista gets a rousing ovation, and she is clearly the winner.

Alexandra is disappointed again. Krista is crowned with a tiara and also gets a… what is that? A scepter? A wand? But she declares that she won’t be satisfied until she gets the pic of the week.

Krista and Angelea, who got best picture last week, get to keep their dresses from Whitney’s line, and get to pick five pieces on top of that.

Back at the ranch, Anslee and Angelea talk smack about Jessica’s walk (which, it must be confessed, was quite boring). Anslee says that her walk was stern and strong, which is her personality. She feels like she stayed true to herself. Honey, stern/strong doesn’t equal boring.

Tyra Mail! “Tomorrow could be a hairy situation. Don’t get tangled. Love, Tyra!”

“Ew!” says one of the girls. That makes me wonder what the heck she thinks that means.

Alasia is late again. She’s taking her time, despite the fact that Raina tells her she has four minutes to go. The girls finally have enough and go down without her. She freaks out. Are there no stairs? What happens if there’s a fire?

She freaks out again and keeps pressing the button again and again.

Alasia finally hoofs it down the stairs. “Ain’t nobody told me we was leaving,” she protests. Uh, yeah, they totally did.

Someone calls her an idiot once she gets in the car, and she takes it because it’s her own fault. At least she’s taking responsibility.

The photograhper is Jerry Metellus. Jay Manuel explains that Tyra often talks about making your own “wind in the hair,” but asks, “What if you are wearing outfits made entirely of hair?” Apparently, Kate Moss wore one recently and “mama was working it.”

This is a team challenge. The team captains will be Weaven Steven and Derek J. They make couture out of hair. We see pictures of their work, and there’s a picture of a merman that is ossom.

Derek J, the Merman Maker.

Alasia’s freaking out about the origins of the hair used in these creations.

Alasia, Jessica and Alexandra are with Derek. The leftovers are with Steven.

Weaven Steven. Gotta love a man who wears grillz whilst doing hair.

Krista’s ready to throw down. The girls taunt each other over the barrier separating the teams.

The hair garments are interesting. Certain pieces get glued to them and Angelea inform us that the glue stinks. An off-camera voice informs us that the glue “smells like a**.” Hee!

Anslee is determined to throw off the other team by taunting them. The girls’ attempts at taunting are so stupid as to make me embarrassed for them. “You call that a pose?” “Home Depot called and they want their rug back!” “Epic failure!” *sigh*

I might've liked this better than some of the other garments.

Jessica thought it was really hard. She tries some jumping, but it doesn’t work out the way it did a few challenges ago.

Angelea isn’t swaying enough to suit Jay. The other girls laugh at her, but her photos turn out well.

Raina gets a bunch of good shots.

Anslee does some salsa steps in her hair dress. She is determined to put her own twist on what Jay has to say to “prove to her family that she can do this.” The heck?? How the heck does that prove anything, much less to her family? Even Derek joins in on the taunting. Jay thinks Anslee doesn’t understand modeling.

Krista’s bound and determined to do well today. She wants to try a Grace Jones jump, but Jay tells her she must commit completely to the moves. The results are quite fierce. Krista delivered today.

She's got style, she's got Grace.

Alasia’s next. she’s determined to prove herself because she was in the bottom two last week. Jay wants her to change her facial expressions. She’s got three shots that she keeps doing over and over.

Alexandra is looking nervous. Her gyrations are really stiff and weird. And the reflection of the photoshoot backdrop makes her look orange, like she has a bad Oompa Loompa tan. Ooh, that was not good. She might be in the bottom this week.

Oompa Loompa, doopity-doo, If you overtan, they're coming for you.

Tyra Mail! Eliminations!

Raina asks in a perky voice, “Who’s going home tomorrow?” That’s really annoying. If I were there, I would SO have wanted to smack her.

Anslee doesn’t want to think about her chances of going home. She must know she didn’t do well.

Krista said that everyone’s going in scared. She does Alexandra’s nails. She thinks Alexandra’s losing herself a little bit.

Panel! So, what is Tyra wearing today? Another pantsuit, but a little less 80s. A bit of an improvement, but not by much. She lists the sponsors, and I love how whenever they show Seventeen magazine, they show Nicole’s cover for a split second before covering her with someone else.

Judges! This week’s guest judge is Whitney Port. She’s rather a plain girl, I must say.

ALT says that he has been up all night and is exhausted. The judges are all pretending to be sleepy. They pull out pillows and sleep on them. It’s unbelievably cheesy.

This cowboy walks in, and Tyra says that she needs help to fall asleep. The cowboy says in a Kiwi accent that counting sheep can help you fall asleep. There are sheep at panel. There are cardboard clouds that descend from the ceiling with Zs attached to them. The judges each pull a Z off a cloud, and the worldwide destination this cycle is revealed to be New Zealand (hardy har har har, show). The girls jump up and down. One of them will look back bitterly on all that jumping up and down, since she won’t be going. Only six of the remaining seven girls will go to New Zealand.

Baa, ram, ewe.

Jessica’s up first. In her best shot, her toes are pointed in midair, but her face is rather boring to me. Tyra says she looks like an up-and-comer/one to watch in fashion.

Krista’s pic is absolutely gorgeous. Her angles are beautiful and her face is freakin’ amazing. Tyra loved going through Krista’s film, since each shot was beautiful and unique. Krista remembered her face in every single shot that week. If she doesn’t win, it’ll be shenanigans

Anslee’s up next and the way her train is swirling is nice, and her eyes are fierce. But Whitney thinks she looks a little stiff and ALT doesn’t like her “stereotypical” toe point.

Alasia’s next. Her feet are high fashion. ALT thinks the shot is very Alexander McQueen. Her face is a little boring, though, and Tyra warns her that all of her frames were pretty much the same.

Alexandra’s next. Her shot is… well her body is decent, but ALT says her hands are awkward. I agree with ALT. The judges think her face is great, but her body looks rather stiff to me.

Angelea. Whitney thinks her body looks great. They think she has control of her face, but I disagree. She looks like she’s making a lot of effort to get her face the way it is. I think her feet and legs are stiff, too.

Raina’s last, and the judges think her coat is high fashion, and so is she. Her shot is good, but not necessarily her best.

Deliberations.

Jessica. The model’s job is to work whatever she’s given, but Tyra thinks it’s too on the nose, dancer-wise.
Krista. Nigel thinks she’s come such a long way. I actually agree; she’s really grown on me.
Anslee. She was Whitney’s least favorite.
Alasia. ALT think she’s very Givenchy. Whitney loves her pic as well.
Alexandra. Whitney thinks something about this picture is off. Alexandra doesn’t seem to be connected to what she’s doing and what she thinks she’s doing. Her proportions are spot-on for a plus-sized model, though, according to Nigel.
Angelea. ALT is surprised by her every week. He likes that she challenges his concept of what a model should be. Uh, you mean, like a female model should be female? I find that challenging to believe when I look at Angelea.
Raina. Her eyes are breathtaking. No dreckitude for her this week.

Tyra asks if they have a decision. ALT baas in response.

So, who’s this week’s winner? Seven beautiful young ladies, only six photos, representing the six who will go to New Zealand.

This week’s winner will be flying first class to New Zealand. MAN, can I win it??? I wanna fly first class. To New Zealand.

It’s gotta be Krista. And it is! She’s so excited, and she should be. She kinda rubs it in to the other girls, but not in a mean way.

Angelea is second. She’s excited about going to New Zealand, too.

Raina
Jessica
Alasia

Anslee and Alexandra step up (2 the streets? No, not this time. But wouldn’t that be amazing?). Anslee’s face is stunning, but they fear she might just a beauty model, which, as Tyra explains, means modeling from the chest up. Her H2T (head to toe, for those not in the know) shots are bland. Alexandra’s pix are decent, but she pulls it out every once in a while. The judges are feeling a lack of drive, which is funny because they didn’t mention that at all during her critique.

Dude, and they totally let Alexandra stay.

Anslee’s out, which is too bad for her husband and kid. Eh, they’ll get over it.

Tyra is sad because she loves Anslee’s face. Then she calls it “handsome.” Uh, wow. Is that a Freudian slip or what?

Anslee goes and hugs the girls.

Krista’s flying first class, and she chooses Angelea to fly in first class with her.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Anslee packs up. She’s disappointed. She says that she’s excited to see her child, but she’s devastated that she let her daughter down. Somehow, I’m seeing her devastation much more than I’m seeing her happiness to be reunited with her daughter.

Later, Anslee. We’re already over it.

Next week: the girls get to New Zealand and head straight to go-sees. Alasia leaves her map at her last go-see. Antics ensue!

There will also be a photoshoot with sheep, and the girls will fall all over the hillside. Those sheep do look delightfully woolly, and I want to hug one.

Ahh, now that that’s overwith, we can move on to RANKINGS!

7. Anslee

America's Next Top Model

Awk-ward!

Boy, is this picture awkward. The train of the dress is moving nicely, but Anslee’s body looks so stiff. Her eyes are strong, but strong eyes don’t trump a stiff, mannequin body, no matter how supermodelquinny that body is.

6. Alexandra

America's Next Top Model

Bo-ring!

Okay, so Alexandra’s face is beautiful here, but it’s not that beautiful. The picture is decent, but the pose is awfully posey. I think the judges were right in their assessment that her pix are always decent, but rarely ossom. I don’t foresee her sticking around for much longer.

5. Angelea

America's Next Top Model

Girl, please!

The judges seemed to love this pic, but I have to completely disagree. It doesn’t look high-fashion. She looks like she’s at a ghetto party, saying, “Ooh, child!” I don’t like that her feet are planted on the ground. I also think her face shows all the effort of her movement. I also think that her hair helps the shot, but she had no hand in that.

4. Jessica

America's Next Top Model

Meh. MEEEEEEHHHHHH.

Jessica’s picture is decent, I suppose, but this isn’t anything we haven’t already seen from her. Is she going to rely on jumping shots forever? Her face is pretty, but it’s still kinda boring. If she doesn’t get some energy up in there, she won’t make it all the way.

3. Raina

America's Next Top Model

The right to bear arms?

I think Raina has misinterpreted the Second Amendment.

You see? Because "bear" can mean two things!

All kidding aside, Raina’s arms look so stiff, here. I like that her jump looks effortless; it’s as though they dropped her from the ceiling instead of having her jump. And her face is good. But her arms — they’re showing all the effort of her jump that isn’t showing in her face. That’s a shame.

2. Alasia

America's Next Top Model

Now here's the diva we were looking for.

Alasia’s pose here is gorgeous, but I cannot deny that her face is a wee bit boring. It kinda works in this shot, but I can’t help thinking that it was just a lucky coincidence. I do think, however, that it was total shenanigans that she got called fifth. Even if Angelea’s shot was as good as the judges claimed, there’s no way that Jessica’s shot was as good as Alasia’s. The swish in the train of the skirt alone is worth a step up from fifth place.

1. Krista

America's Next Top Model

Hot, hot, haute!

This picture is undeniably fierce, and deservedly first. Her body is amazing. Her hands are relaxed. And her face is absolutely amazing. There’s energy, but also a strange serenity.

So that’s just my opinion. What did you think?

America’s Next Top Model, C14E06 Recap: “New York Women”

Last week on ANTM, Tatianna the Teeth got the boot, and I was so, so, so, so happy.

Angelea is frustrated that she’s number two. She wants to be #1.

Alasia is gaining confidence. She won’t even let herself get in her own way.

Krista explains that she, Angelea, Anslee, and Alasia are the realest in the house. She claims that Raina , Brenda, and Jessica are needy. She forgets Alexandra completely, which amuses me to no end.

Jessica is practicing on the runway prancing in a most irritating way, and Angelea is annoyed with Miss Perfect. Jessica is rather smug, I must concur. Back in the bus, Angelea asks Raina and Brenda how it feels to be in the bottom. They ignore her. Later, in their room, Brenda complains about Angelea to Raina, and Angelea overhears them. Angelea, of course, rips into the girls, who try to laugh off Angelea’s insults. She accuses them of having “fake confidence,” and warns them that everyone will see through them in the end.

Later on, Brenda, Raina, and Jessica are complaining about Angelea in the room that they now share with Alasia, and Alasia (proudly flaunting Ugly Headwrap #12!) shouts, “Y’all know I’m right here, right?” I have to agree that if you’re complaining about someone right in front of her friend, then, you’re just asking for a fight.

Tyra Mail! “When you walk in, you might have a fit. Love, Tyra.”

The girls gush with excitement. They postulate that this next part will be “either runway or go-sees!” Or a photoshoot! Or commercial!

Alasia’s late getting up, and ends up making all of the girls late as a result. The other girls complain. They do love to complain.

Jay Alexander and Ann Shoket are waiting for them, and Jay berates them for being late. Alasia steps up and takes responsibility for making everyone late, and Jay stresses the importance of being on time.

They’re going to have a little fashion teach on how to look like a model and dressing for your proportions. They are in the Seventeen fashion closet. Jay is wearing a cardigan and newsboy cap, and he looks great. Ann’s wearing a red dress that she is just working.

Long torsos should wear high-waisted bottoms and belts.

Slender girls should wear colorblocked clothing.

Athletic girls should wear ruching.

Alexandra must be like, “What about us fatties?” And I second that motion. What should I wear?

The girls have five minutes to get dressed. Anslee is amazed because Brenda doesn’t know where her waist is.

Ann looks the girls over and says that, despite Brenda’s confusion over her lack of waist, she camouflaged her confusion perfectly with a wide belt.

Angelea looks “sweet,” but her necklace is crazy ugly. What the heck is that monstrosity even doing in the Seventeen fashion closet?

Alasia doesn’t know her body type. She’s actually an hourglass, not a short torso. But she still looks cute.

The girls get to keep the clothes! Luckyyyy!

Alasia fights with Jessica on the way back from the challenge. The other girls all attempt to laugh away the tension.

Alasia hilariously describes her conflict with Jessica as Malibu Barbie vs. Marietta Barbie.

Brenda then makes some crack about Angelea being uneducated, and Angelea automatically takes exception to that. She boasts that she graduated from some community college in Buffalo, so she is smart. That begs the question: so why are you here?

Angelea later explains that people automatically assume that she’s uneducated because of the way she talks, but that she’s not. I have to admit that it’s true. It came to me as no surprise that Angelea went to a community college and saw that as a crowning achievement. I judge her and it makes me sad that I can’t bring myself to respect her for getting that far, given that she grew up in Buffalo, and probably in the bad parts, too. Great, now I’m judging myself for being an arrogant mollycoddle who looks down on anyone who’s done the best with the hand they were dealt in life. Thanks a lot, Angelea.

Raina predicts that Angelea or Alasia will throw a punch and get kicked out. Angelea invites herself into their room and flings herself down on Raina’s bunk. She explains, “When you living with girls, especially females…” And Raina snorts with laughter, and I must admit that I did, too.

Brenda comes in and tells Angelea to get out of their room, and Angelea says she can do whatever she wants. Angelea says that she knows how to start a catfight when she wants to. But since this didn’t escalate into any real shouting, I think it’s just a lazy catfight, like so:

Suck it, Rowles. I'll have lolcats on my blog if I WANT TO.

Tyra Mail! But there’s a ding! at the elevator instead of a message on the screen. An impeccably dressed and coiffed person delivers them a note from Tinsley Mortimer. She invites the girls to celebrate the opening of her handbag line. The girls are excited, and get dressed up for a night on the town.

Jay greets the girls, and he’s wearing a pastel plaid tie that totally works. He looks great.

The challenge: each girl has one-on-one time with Tinsley, who will judge them based on their personality and style.

Brenda’s not worried. She says that she goes to “uppity” parties back home, and that these “uppity” parties are her scene. Ahahaha!! Now all of your former hosts will be offended that you called their parties “uppity!” Let’s see how many invites you get when you get back to Podunk, Miss Brenda!

Alasia’s nervous, and she doesn’t know what to say. I am reminded that she’s only eighteen. But her hair looks great. She sits alone, and it’s kinda sad. This kid has no idea how to behave at a function like this.

Jessica talks to Tinsley, and explains about the “dressing for your body type” teach they had earlier that day.

Anslee tells Tinsley that she loves Chanel. Tinsley asks if Anslee knows who designed for Chanel, and she sheepishly admits that she doesn’t know. Tinsley informs her that it’s Karl Lagerfeld, and that this is an extremely important fact for a model to know.

Brenda loves Michael Kors, which I think goes to show that she’s just so vanilla. I’m sorry, but Michael Kors’ designs are just so pedestrian.

Cute, but not exactly mind-blowing, yeah?

Raina gets a compliment on her outfit from Tinsley.

Alasia tells Tinsley that she loves Louis V. She stutters that she loves his colors. She explains that everyone stresses that they’re gonna overthink, but she has the opposite problem. She doesn’t think enough. This statement is so hilarious on so many different levels that I can’t even decide where to start. Tinsley says, “Well, it was nice meeting you,” and Alasia replies, “Do I get up and leave now?” Aww, poor kid.

Evaluations: Jessica was the only one who talked about their teach earlier that day.

Tinsley thought Brenda’s personality is great. This just goes to show how fake the whole New York society scene is.

Alasia was fidgety. She doesn’t think before she speaks. That’s fair.

Jessica automatically gets to be part of the challenge win because she got best picture last week. The winner gets to do a photoshoot for the May edition of Seventeen with one friend. Jessica wins the challenge, so she gets to pick two friends. Of course, she picks Brenda and Raina.

The girls show up for their shoot and it’s about their personal style. Jessica’s actually perfect for Seventeen, and Raina’s very Denise Richards, who was a teen model. Brenda is the misfit to me because girlfriend looks OLD. Meh.

Later, Raina’s in the confessional, complaining about Alasia picking on Jessica. Alasia is eavesdropping on her. After Raina’s done, Alasia rushes in and rants about Raina’s fakeness. Raina then eavesdrops on her. Jessica and Brenda run up the stairs to join in, and Jessica and Raina make fun of Alasia’s ghettoness. While I do agree that Alasia is super-ghetto, I find it in extremely poor taste to mimic her on national television.

Raina tattles to the other girls what she heard Alasia saying. Raina then tells Alasia what she heard, and Alasia takes it in stride. It’s like they’re afraid to start something now.

Tyra Mail! “It’s time to take your campaign underground.” The girls guess that the challenge has something to do with the subway.

Alasia hopes it’s not because it smells like pee down there. And it totally does. She is right to be afraid.

The subway station is deserted. A train pulls up and out step Jay, the photographer, and Nicole the ginger winner of Petite Cycle 13. Nicole takes the opportunity to awkwardly plug Cover Girl Smoky Shadowblast. She is a terrible spokesmodel. I can see why more and more cosmetics companies are turning to actresses instead of models to shill their products on TV.

America's Next Top Ginger.

Each of the girls will be dressed as a “New York Woman.” Is one of them going to be dressed as a hobo? I hope against all hope that I’m right.

Hair and makeup and the photoshoot are all going to take place on the subway.

As the girls are getting made up, Angelea takes the opportunity to ask Nicole about how she dealt with the drama in the house. This is beyond ironic, as Angelea is usually the one stirring the pot. Maybe she’s just doing some covert reconnaissance to try and figure out her opponents’ next move. Nicole just tells Angelea to stay out of it whenever possible and to “stay classy.” Ahahaha!! Girl, were you not on the same show as the girls we’re watching this cycle? How much class do you really expect to find on this show?

Krista is up first, and she is portraying an aspiring actress. She is wearing white on the subway, which is courage itself.

Anslee is an artist. Jay says that she looks like she smells the stench of the subway in her shoot.

Alexandra is an Upper East Side socialite. Jay keeps having to tell her to breathe, because she’s not even breathing. What the heck would a socialite be doing on the subway? Somewhere on the Upper East Side, Tinsley Mortimer just threw her wine glass at her plasma screen TV and is yelling unintelligibly at it.

Raina is the East Village rockabilly chick. Wow, ANTM, that’s pretty specific, don’t you think?

The makeup artists continue to work on the girls. And I totally wanna use Cover Girl Shadowblast. It just looks like so much fun.

Jessica’s dressed like she’s hittin’ the club. She’s struggling to keep her balance and she looks pissed the whole time. She definitely overthinks it.

Angelea feels like a star. She’s a fashionista. She’s actually looking very pretty and natural. I know. I am surprised. Jay says that she has a studied poise. Never did I expect to hear the words “Angelea” and “poise” in the same sentence.

Brenda is a student, which is ironic, given her age. Now that Tatianna’s gone, Brenda’s teeth are my new nemesis. She looks oooooold in her shoot.

Alasia practices walking on the subway platform. When it’s her turn, she immediately grabs onto a pole, causing Jay to caution her, “We want Cover Girl, not $2 ho.” She’s supposed to be a model on a go-see, so I have no idea why they dressed her so plainly. She looks awful, and her entire shoot follows suit. Jay tells her not to forget why she’s there. She claims she’s not going to cry, which only serves to speed up the waterworks.

That’s a wrap!

Brenda feels super-confident and at peace. She says she has the edgiest look in the house. Somehow, this makes me think of osteoporosis, and how Brenda’s bones are probably and brittle as a bird’s.

Tyra Mail: Eliminations!

Alasia is nervous, and sports Ugly Headwrap #13 as she awaits a verdict from the judges.

Panel! Tyra remarks that everybody is collectively looking better because of that fashion teach. And they are. Ooh, but Angelea’s sporting some scary bags under her eyes.

Guest judge is Ann Shoket.

Raina’s up first. She was an East Village rockabilly. She lost her neck in the picture, but Ann thinks that she’s got an edgy attitude.

Krista is an aspiring actress. Nigel sees her pic as an ad. It’s a fresh photo. She really does look great.

Jessica’s next. ALT hates her shoes. They look skanky. She can’t believe that they’re criticizing her shoes, and she’s a little snotty about it. But on to the photo. She was a club girl. She looks lost, like she did a li’l too much X at the club. ALT thinks she looks like the girl next door who’s spoiled and you don’t want her in your posse becaus she’s going to make trouble. I couldn’t have said it better myself. I guess that’s why I’m not editor-at-large of Vogue.

Brenda has no energy in her shoot. Nigel thinks it’s too contrived, like an Ann Taylor ad. That cracks me up; Ann Taylor is gonna get you, Nigel! Nigel remarks that Brenda looks best when she’s looking off camera, and that she needs to learn how to look straight on at the camera, too.

Alasia was a model on her way to a go-see. She looks like a kid. Alasia didn’t think she put enough thought behind her character. ALT says that he still loves her, and she’s still in his salon, but this is her worst shoot to date, and he’d only ask the girl in this picture to visit his house. Wait, isn’t his salon in his house? I’m so disappointed by this news. I totally wanted to get invited to ALT’s salon and then sneak up to the master bedroom and roll around on the bed and ogle his shoes.

Anslee has an artist’s smirk. She looks like she has a secret. I bet it’s that her kid isn’t real. She just hired a family to have a story so that she could get on this show.

Alexandra. She was an Upper East Side girl. It’s a good pic, actually. She really does have a lovely face, even though she has no friends in the competition.

Angelea. This is her best picture ever. Nigel and ALT take turns complimenting her. Nigel says something about how she looks like she’s the person in the house that has it all together, and the girls behind her exchange looks. ALT totally catches it, and cracks up, “You got some haters on you, girlfriend!” Nigel tells the haters to watch out because this picture is really good.

Deliberations! The judges spew more French.

Raina. It’s a beautiful picture, but she’s too safe.
Krista. Her pic is dynamic. The judges love it; it’s incredible, and shows tremendous confidence.
Jessica. She is a know-it-all, and argumentative. ALT says that she has “fake confidence,” which were Angelea’s exact words to describe Jessica & Co. earlier. That amuses me to no end: ALT is as ghetto as Angelea!
Brenda. Nigel complains again that Brenda never looks directly at the camera.
Alasia. ALT says that he has cauldrons of love for Alaisa, but that this is her worst photo to date. She’s just not getting it as fast as the other girls, and that might not be fast enough to hang in the competition.
Anslee. She’s real, but ALT doesn’t think that her look sells Cover Girl.
Alexandra. The judges like her pic. It’ll probably be good enough to keep her in this week.
Angelea. Her pic is stunning; one of the best pictures of this competition. ALT raves. The judges have come to a decision.

The girls come back, and there can only be one winner amongst them.

The winner? It’s Angelea, who’s ecstatic that she finally won one. Good for her.

Runner up: Krista. Krista’s pic was pretty ossom. Like I said, she’s growing on me.

Raina
Alexandra
Anslee,
whose hair is very moppish today.
Jessica. The judges are less than impressed with her transformation from sweet girl next door to entitled brat, and Tyra makes sure that she knows it.

Brenda and Alasia step forward. Ugh, I really hope Brenda gets the boot. Her teeth, people, her teeth. Brenda didn’t embrace her haircut, but she’s a fighter. She doesn’t have the fire or desire. Her photos are decent, but not stellar. Alasia embraced dancing, but then she threw out the one thing she had going for her. She thought about nothing, and that’s what her film and photo look like: nothing. But one girl will get to stay while the other has to go. Who will it be?

Alasia is still in. She weeps with joy. Jessica rolls her eyes. Angelea smirks. Alasia loses it trying to hold in her tears. She can’t even talk.

Brenda is out. Tyra’s harem pantsuit is totally distracting me from Brenda’s booting. They make her look much wider than she is. Anyway, Brenda and her Laura Ingalls teeth are outta here.

Brenda hugs Jessica and Raina and then walks away. Brenda claims that she’s shocked that she got eliminated. I roll my eyes. She writes goodbye notes to Jessica and Raina. She then criticizes Angelea’s picture. Honey, if you can’t see that Angelea’s picture is better than yours, then you are just a sore loser. She disagrees with the judges’ decision, but she’ll respect it. Mostly because she has no choice but to respect it. What’s she gonna do, force her way back in?

Later, Brenda. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

Next week: drag night. Alasia gets left behind for the photoshoot. Whatever shall she do? My guess is that it won’t be as big a deal as the teaser makes it out to be.

There was a good amount of drama this ep; things are finally cooking! We haven’t had a full-scale model war on the show in a while.

On to the rankings!

8. Brenda

America's Next Top Model

This isn't America's Next Top Grandma, apparently.

I’m so glad that Brenda’s out. She’s the last of the uglies whose looks I couldn’t stand on the show. I no longer have to watch in fear that I’ll be consumed by bad teeth. Seriously, she looks so old and awkward in this pic. Maybe she’s going for a Nola Ochs look.

You're never too old to learn!

7. Alasia

America's Next Top Model

I can't believe my mom let me take the subway by myself for the first time!

Alasia’s pic isn’t necessarily bad; it’s just unremarkable. And I actually blame most of that on the wardrobe. She’s supposed to be a model on her way to a go-see, but she looks more like a kid on her way to hang out with these cool new kids she met at her new school, who will probably end up offering her drugs and alcohol, and she’ll have to decide whether to try and fit in and take the drugs or stick with what her parents and teachers have taught her and just say no.

In short, her outfit here is ripped from an afterschool special, and it’s doing her no favors.

P.S. Don’t do drugs. They will mess you up.

6. Jessica

America's Next Top Model

If you think I look uncomfortable now, just wait until you see me dancing!

Jessica looks so uncomfortable, here. She looks like she was standing next to a friend, and the guy she has a crush on just walked up and she was super-excited because she thought he was going to ask her to dance, but he asked her friend instead, and now she’s trying to look like she’s happy for her friend, but she really just wants to get to the bathroom where she can cry until her mascara is making little black rivulets down her cheeks.

I don’t know what’s with all my stories, today. I think it’s because of the subway. I used to amuse myself by making up life stories for the people I saw on the ghettro on the way to work.

5. Anslee

America's Next Top Model

I totally just farted.

Anslee’s picture isn’t bad, necessarily. I like the idea of this picture, like she’s got a secret or something. Unfortunately, because of her eyebrows, it looks like an evil secret. But because of the way she’s dressed, it can’t be too evil.

My conclusion is that she farted, but everyone around her is blaming it on the homeless guy on the other side of the train. She turns to us to give us a knowing look, as though challenging us to think any different.

ALT was right — that doesn’t exactly sell Cover Girl. Instead, it reminds me of this:

4. Raina

America's Next Top Model

Pay no attention to my clothes. I am a model, not a rocker.

I have to agree with Jay Manuel that Raina’s overusing her hands. She’s wearing this hardcore rockabilly outfit, and she’s trying to wear it like it’s an Oscar de la Renta dress. That does not fly.

There’s no story for this one because the costuming is all wrong.

3. Alexandra

America's Next Top Model

Is this supposed to be the Upper East Side in the 40s?

First off, I think this is the highest Alexandra’s ever been in my rankings, so congratulations to her. That said, the costuming is a little puzzling to me — are there really people on the Upper East Side who dress like this? She looks like she’s on her way to the docks to welcome her sailor boyfriend home from his stint in Germany during WWII.

Her skin looks amazing, though.

2. Angelea

America's Next Top Model

And no one will ever know that I was the one who took the money!

This is definitely Angelea’s best picture to date. She looks poised, in control, flawless. But I think I would have liked it better if she’d been looking straight at the camera; generally speaking, I’d say that a direct look is better for a brand like Cover Girl. This picture, because she’s looking off to the side, looks like she’s just embezzled millions of dollars from her investment banking firm and is on her way home to pack and flee the country.

But of course things will go wrong and the whole affair will end in a Mexican standoff at JFK with her dying in a glorious hail of gunfire. Or so Brenda wishes, I bet.

1. Krista

America's Next Top Model

Easy, breezy, beautiful.

This is such a perfect Cover Girl shot. She’s looking directly at the camera, her expression is frank, but friendly, and she looks happy to be on a New York subway, which is no mean feat. Why an aspiring actress would be riding the subway in a pristine white dress is beyond me, but I don’t care when I look at this picture. All I know is that she looks great, and if I were Cover Girl, I would book her for an ad campaign immediately.

I actually liked the idea of this shoot in theory. I like anything that inspires me to make up stories. But I still wish that there had been a hobo.

Thoughts?

America’s Next Top Model, C14E05 Recap: “Smile and Pose”

Hooooo, sorry about the delay, ladies. Vacation. I’m exhausted. Let’s leave it at that.

Let’s dive right in, shall we?

The girls have mail from whoever it is they ditched back home to be on this show. Everyone is excited. Anslee’s crying because her daughter wrote her a letter telling her how much she misses her and that she thinks about her every day. It’s actually quite sweet. Anslee’s feeling guilty because she’s put her daughter through so much hurt by leaving her to be in this competition, and she still might come away with nothing. How about next time, you think about that before you try your hand at modeling? Do you think you’re going to get to spend all day with her for the rest of her life if you actually do end up getting this gig? Chew on that, Anslee.

Jessica drinks pickle juice from a can, and Tatianna says it’s disgusting. Jessica laughs and says that Tatianna has no right to judge, since she loves bodily functions so much. In case we all forgot, Tatianna wants to be a coroner, yo! That’s why she’s comfortable licking fake blood off her fingers! She’s tough and quirky, everyone!

Also, she is sporting Ugly Headgear #10, and it is quite ugly. She’s tucked all her hair up into it and is looking she’s hiding some Alien Nation under that beanie.

Surprise! Not human!

She says that she’s pretty sure that she will have to choose between modeling and being a coroner. Choose the coroner, honey. Your teeth are much better suited to pondering cause of death than freaking people out on a billboard.

But, nooo, she quit school to be on the show. Please, girls, when will you learn that it is never a good idea to quit school to be on ANTM?

Tyra Mail! “You don’t need to be a scientist to be good at chemistry. Love, Tyra.” The girls scream excitedly, despite the fact that they have no idea what that means.

The next morning, the girls head out to Roosevelt Island, where they are met by Jay Alexander.

Krista thinks it might be a runway challenge. Jay tells them instead that the vampire challenged evidenced that they need help working with the opposite sex.

Jay explains that many magazines feature ads with couples, “but they’re not couples. They’re models.” Uh, thanks for clearing that up, Jay. For a second, I thought you couldn’t model for perfume ads unless you were married and hetero.

Jay encourages the girls to break the ice with the men they work with; to ask about their lives, say something funny, and to make eye contact, even if he’s cross-eyed. Just why would a cross-eyed model be hired for a major ad campaign, Jay? Hiring a cross-eyed model is just like hiring a model with jacked-up teeth…

… Oh.

The girls are going on a tram, and they will all have to be on that tram with a famous male model who’s now on a top television show.

Angelea goes first. The “shy” male model stands with his back to her. And it’s Nigel!! Good God, is he ever HOTT. She flirts with him, asking if he has a girlfriend. She then “rawrs” him, and he’s a little taken aback, as am I. You’re supposed to make him feel comfortable, Angelea, not try to seduce him back to your crib.

And then she busts out her M.C. Hammer dance to show him her skills. Nigel is speechless. He doesn’t feel that she was herself.

And he doesn’t say it, but I’m sure that Nigel’s thinking that Angelea can’t touch this:


Please, Hammer, don’t hurt ’em!

Alexandra’s up next, and she spends the whole time boasting about her hottness and her “hips that don’t lie.” And they don’t; I can totally tell that she ate a jelly donut for breakfast yesterday. ZING!! Come on, you can’t blame me; she’s just asking for it when she says stuff like that.

Tatianna introduces herself like a normal person, which is a promising start. But then she insults his fashion sense, and Nigel does not take kindly to it.

Anslee is embarrassed because he criticized her at panel. She talks about her life, and, while Nigel thought she was very real and was being herself, I thought she was BO to the RING. Just because you don’t have to listen to her yammering on and on about being a mother all the time, Nigel.

Jessica proudly sports Ugly Headgear #11, a giant, thick-knit beanie with a ginormo pompom on top. She gets very touchy-feely-grabby with him, and it makes him very uncomfortable. she starts stripping down, and threatens to strip him down, too. Nigel is spectacularly uncomfortable, and so am I. How is it that none of these girls but freakin’ Anslee understand the challenge at all?

Nigel says he feels assaulted. Jessica winks at her and leaves. He is visibly relieved that the challenge is over. He gives them a few pointers and then takes them to their challenge.

The challenge judge is Ann Shoket, Editor-in-Chief of Seventeen magazine. Tatianna’s gums are pleased to hear this. Ann is looking absolutely lovely in a deep purple frock. They’ll be doing a photoshoot with a male subject, and Nigel will be shooting them.

They’re introduced to their partner in crime, who turns out to be Ross Mathews, better known as “Ross the Intern” from a late night talk show that is not to be named on this blog because its host is a total tool.

Ross, the Intern for He Who Must Not be Named

The girls scream and laugh as though they know who he is. To ANTM’s credit, they do not mention the Show That Must Not be Mentioned.

Raina insists that she knows who he is and that he’s hilarious. Well, then I’m not so sure that you know who he is, Raina. But she hesitantly adds that he is not the most handsome gentleman in the entire world. That, Raina, is exactly why it’s called a “challenge.”

Nigel will shoot the girls from the street below, and they will have to be with Ross as the hot couple in the window. Ann commands them to keep it “real.” Uh, isn’t Ross gay? If they keep it real, then Ross will be shoving them away with all of his might as they try desperately to claw their way past him to reality TV stardom.

They get five frames, and Jessica greets this news with a hilariously over-the-top look of shock. It’s as though he just told her that he is secretly in love with Ross Mathews. The winner of the challenge gets a mass of diamond jewelry from Jude Francis.

The girls get dolled up in lingerie, and Ross greets them with the gayest “HAAAAIIIIII!” of all time. This is gonna be ossom. Krista tries to get him to stop standing so effeminately, but it does not work, so she insults his breath.

Raina’s up next, and she tries to lay Ross down on the table to make with the sexy times, and it is awkward. He shouts that she was trying to ride him like a bull. I think you might mean a steer, Ross (hint: a bull is physically intact. A steer is… not).

Anslee gets pretty comfortable with Ross, and he excitedly tells her that he thinks they’re gonna do it. Dude, Ross’ high-pitched screaming must be so irritating.

Alasia is unremarkable.

Brenda does some weird squatty pose, and it is not attractive.

Angelea tells Ross that she wants to put one leg up. And she seriously hikes it all the way up to his shoulder. Nigel is aghast. He tells her, “I’m not taking a picture of your crotch!” But when she won’t change her pose, he does it anyway, saying, “Okay, here you go.”

Jessica is hardly wearing anything at all. Her grandma is probably in a coma after this. But she actually does well with the shoot, and Nigel seems impressed. She whips her hair around, and Ross calls her a pony.

Tatianna is wearing a tie, and she asks him to pull on it. I think she was trying to go for a playful look, but it just looks like she’s a dog and he’s taking her on a walk. A dog with an aggressive gumline, that is.

Alexandra has suspenders. She’s riding him like he’s a seesaw, and it is decidedly not sexy.

Ann starts by telling the girls that the shoot was hotter than anything ever seen in Seventeen magazine. Maybe that’s because you run a teen mag, Ann. That would be inappropriate, don’t you think?

Tatianna’s shoot was too contrived. Jessica’s aggression worked here. Anslee held her face up to high, but she had a demure quality that Nigel liked. Demure, Nigel? Really? She’s practically naked! Alexandra has great curves, but didn’t work them. Alexandra is disappointed by this news.

But there can only be one winner, and it’s Jessica. She’s shaking. She’s freaking out much more than she ought to.

Anslee is disappointed. And by “disappointed,” she means “sour grapes.” She felt that she and Ross had a better connection than he and Jessica did. May I remind you, Anslee, that Ross Mathews is gaaaaaaay? “I felt defeated,” she said. That’s because you were just defeated, honey. Get used to it.

Alasia, as the winner of the last challenge, also gets a diamond ring. She’s excited about it, and I’m glad she got something out of it.

Anslee calls her dad, and she’s crying before he even picks up the phone. She keeps talking about how she’s doing all of this for her family, husband, child, etc. Seems pretty clear to me that she’s really doing it for yourself. You wanna do what’s best for your child? Then don’t abandon her to become a model. Get a real job. Or if you’re going to pursue modeling, then go about it in a way that doesn’t require you to abandon your family for weeks on end.

Tyra Mail! “Tomorrow, you’re going to find out who’s fake and who keeps it real. Love, Tyra.”

The girls arrive in Chinatown, and the Jays pick over some knock-offs. Manuel berates Alexander for even considering a fake, and Alexander claims that Tyra’s birthday is coming up. Alexander haggles with the vendor, who then flashes his badge, causing Alexander to take off down the street.

“And scene,” announces Manuel. Really? That was staged? Wow, I would never have guessed.

Jay Manuel then gives the girls a short lecture on the evils of buying knock-offs. The fashion industry loses $9.7 billion a year due to counterfeit goods. That’s a pretty crazy number, I’ll admit. So today’s photoshoot is all about fake. The narc from the “scene” is actually D-Nice, the photographer.

The girls get some seriously crazy amazing hair and makeup, and I absolutely love it. Tatianna, on the other hand, is not feeling it, and it shows in her shoot. She can’t stop with the hands, which Jay says is a flashback from the first shoot. She talks about her disappointment, and I notice a bit of a lisp that she didn’t seem to have before. Oh, no, the gums are taking over! RUN!!

Alasia goes, and her poses seem good.

Raina has fake eyes painted onto her eyelids, and she uses them. Jay is impressed.

Jay tells Jessica that he wants extreme from her, and she rocks it out. She is absolutely amazing. Her crazy really works for her in this kind of photoshoot.

Krista is boring, but Jay likes the awkwardness. Her poses are oddly serene, given her crazy hair, makeup, and wardrobe.

Brenda is booooring. So sleepy in the face, this girl.

Anslee has crazy Lady Gaga hair, but her poses are pedestrian and boring. Jay says that she was just lost. She has absolutely no energy on set. Jay tells her she looks constipated, and she says, “To be honest, I had a rough morning.” Again with the excuses, Anslee? I guess if you’ve been making excuses your whole life, it’s hard to stop just because you got on a reality show.

Angelea does okay; her hair is great. She looks like a serious tranny, in the best way.

Jay tells Alexandra to go extreme, which she takes to mean, “pull the bag like it’s taffy.” Again and again and again. She falls flat.

That’s a wrap!

Tyra Mail: Eliminations!

Tatianna’s not worried. Alexandra is depressed, and Krista tries to cheer her up by telling her that a lot of plus-sized models get pushed out of the industry because they have trouble finding clothes that fit them. Alexandra tries to explain how she’s feeling, but Krista keeps interrupting.

Panel! Tyra’s looking more and more like a flashback from the 80s every week.

The guest judge is Pat Cleveland. Tyra calls her “legendary,” which is a fair assessment. She was a pretty amazing model back in the day. I can’t believe that the 80s are now considered “back in the day.” *sigh*

I miss how bubbly the 80s were.

Tyra used to work with Pat, apparently. Meh.

Krista’s up first. Her picture’s good, but I don’t think it’s great. Her crazy blue contacts look amazing, though.

Brenda’s face is strong in her pic, but the pic as a whole doesn’t stand out to me.

Alexandra’s next, and her picture is boring. Pat says, “I know that there’s a lot you have to carry, here…” and I crack up laughing. These things just write themselves! ALT calls her eyelashes “double entendre” eyelashes. I’m beginning to doubt that he really understands French at all.

Tatianna looks bored in her pic. The judges are dissatisfied with her consistency. She generally has really boring film, with one shot that’s strong enough to put her in the middle of the pack. And her gums are trying to take over her face. I may just have added that last part myself.

Anslee’s hair is too slicked. Tyra wants it floofed with some height. Pat likes the pic, but her face is hidden. Tyra loves her face, and so does Nigel, but Nigel feels that she needs to work her angles a little better.

Angelea’s pic is pretty good. ALT raves, and declares that if he saw her on the street, then he would say to himself, “Oh, I must meet her!” Now, that’s a compliment. He tells her she’s got it goin’ aaawwwwwwn, with buck teeth and all kinds of ferocity.

Jessica’s photo is pretty great. Her body is amazing, and her hair is just nuts. Nigel says it’s full of energy, and it is.

Raina’s next, and her twisting torso works for her. Pat doesn’t like her face, though.

Alasia!! I give her exclamation points because her pose has such an amazing gamine quality that I love. But the judges don’t like that she’s looking down, so they feel like they’re losing her face.

Deliberations.

Krista delivers.
Brenda is too cataloguey.
Alexandra has potential, but she doesn’t show any feeling.
Tatianna is a one-shot wonder, and it makes the judges nervous.
Anslee might just be a shoulder-up model.
Angelea is high fashion.
Jessica is flyin’ high, and brings us to another world.
Alasia is evoking a star, according to ALT.
Raina is lost, and ALT and Pat have a “high fashion” echo war.

The girls are called back in.

The winner is: Jessica. Snap, she won the challenge and the shoot! Good on you, girl.

The runner-up is Angelea. Angelea will take #2. For the first time, like, ever, I’m sure that Tatianna is thinking, “She said Number Two,” and is snickering to herself.

Krista
Alasia
Anslee
Brenda
Raina

Alexandra and Tatianna are in the bottom. Alexandra has a body everybody wants. Really? But she doesn’t know how to work it. Tatianna just lucks into good photos. Tyra thinks she needs more than luck; she needs skill.

So who will stay and who will go? Alexandra is in.

Tatianna the Teeth are out! And there was much rejoicing.


Yaaay.

Tatianna is disappointed, but she is happy with the experience she’s received. She’s sad to be leaving. And then her gums angrily shout, “Come ON, there’s a coroners’ conference somewhere we should be terrorizing!”

Tyra dedicates the episode to Alexander McQueen. Alexander McQueen was an amazing designer, and he deserves a better tribute than this episode.

Lily Donaldson and Jessica Stam in ethereal dresses by the late McQueen.

Next week on ANTM: There will be fighting! And posing on the subway! fun times!

And now for my favorite part: RANKINGS!

9. Alexandra

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

This is my friend, Bo. Bo Ring.

As ecstatic that I am that Gummy McScaryteeth is out, even I have to confess that Alexandra’s picture was just the pits. It is so boring. I am already snoozy to begin with, but this picture practically put me out of my misery and shot me straight to LaLa Land.

8. Tatianna

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

The gums claim another victim.

I’m relatively happy with the eliminations so far. They make sense, and the people getting booted truly deserve it. That’s always exciting. And to finally be rid of Gummy Gummerson is a personal victory for me. Three cheers for good teeth!

7. Anslee

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

I can't bear the weight of my own suckitude.

I really didn’t get all the love for Anslee’s pic. She just looks so tired, here. You can’t see her face, and it looks like the camera just went off a moment too soon or something.

6. Krista

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Pretty. Average.

This picture is pretty, but there’s nothing all that remarkable about it to me. The hand playing with the hair seems a little out of place to me. But it’s decent, I suppose.

5. Brenda

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Attack of the Gingers.

Okay, must admit that Brenda’s face is amazing in this photo. But I am inclined to think that this is mostly because she is spackled with all kinds of makeup here, so it’s covering up all of her wrinkles and liver spots. Her body is okay, I suppose.

4. Angelea

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Fake never looked so good.

This is a great picture of Angelea. She does a great job of looking entitled and snotty here, and the way she’s holding the purse with just one finger is pretty great. It’s a good picture, and definite progress on her portfolio.

3. Alasia

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Give me one moment in time.

The genius of this pose is in its simplicity. In looking like they’ve just caught her in a moment, it gives some nice movement to this shot. And I don’t really mind that she’s looking down. It looks very editorial.

2. Raina

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Get it twisted.

Raina’s twisty torso is totally working for her here. She looks amazing. This is a pretty editorial shot, too.

1. Jessica

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Poetry in motion.

This is a pretty darned good picture. There’s movement in it, every limb is perfectly placed, and her face doesn’t show the effort.

So, thoughts?

Cannonball 25: The Luckiest Girl by Beverly Cleary

The Luckiest Girl The Luckiest Girl by Beverly Cleary

My rating: 4 of 5 stars
I’m a big fan of realism. I love a good, gritty novel that doesn’t pull punches about the reality of life, and the harsher the lesson learned, the more invested I get.

But there must still be a little idealism in my cynical, little heart yet (probably nestled next to the part of me that loves puppies and babies and lolcats) because I absolutely loved The Luckiest Girl.


(But I digress.)

I grew up on Beverly Cleary, and I love the Ramona books. I had no idea that Cleary wrote young adult fiction as well, and I was impressed by this one.

Shelley Latham lives a great life in Portland, Oregon. She has loving parents, great friends, and a nice boyfriend. But she’s inexplicably bored with her perfect life, and when she gets the opportunity to live in California for a school year, she jumps at the chance.

She makes friends and gets along well with the family friends she’s staying with and even ends up dating the boy of her dreams: the school’s basketball star, Philip. Along the way, she learns a lot about family, friends, dreams, expectations, and herself.

It sounds terribly cliché, but, somehow, it isn’t. Cleary’s tale of a young girl’s first taste of freedom and independence is sweet and honest. Despite the fact that there’s no tragedy in the storyline, it still feels real, and that’s mostly a credit to Cleary’s depiction of Shelley. She’s a nice girl, but she has flaws, and one of them is a flaw common to many young girls: she just doesn’t know herself, yet.

And that’s why Cleary’s story rings true. Shelley’s reactions are honest. She worries about whether or not an impulsive decision was a mistake. She exults over the smallest hint that the boy she likes might like her back. She’s frustrated because she sometimes doesn’t understand her parents, and seeing another mother and daughter dynamic helps her to understand her own relationship with her mother.

It’s all very innocent, but, then again, the book is set in a much simpler time (it was originally published in 1958).

While it wasn’t the usual “high school = misery” story that I usually gravitate towards (mostly because I identify with them more), I still thoroughly enjoyed The Luckiest Girl. It’s a sweet look at a young girl’s coming of age, and it made me wistful without feeling manipulated. Beverly Cleary should get more credit than she does.

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Cannonball 24: The Titan’s Curse (Percy Jackson & the Olympians, Book #3) by Rick Riordan

The Titan's Curse (Percy Jackson and the Olympians, #3) The Titan’s Curse by Rick Riordan

My rating: 4 of 5 stars
Ahh, now, that’s more like it.

After The Sea of Monsters, which was a relatively lame read, the pacing and action of The Titan’s Curse was a welcome breath of fresh air.

To recap: in the last book, Percy & Co. cured Thalia’s Tree, a magical tree that protects Camp Half-Blood, the summer camp where demigods (or half-bloods) go to train. An unexpected side effect of the cure was that Thalia herself was resurrected.

In this book, Thalia has joined Percy & Co. to find and recruit some half-bloods that are rumored to be living in New York City. Percy’s a little threatened by Thalia, and doesn’t know whether to bow to her or assert himself.

Complicating matters is a prophecy that one of the children of the Big Three (Zeus, Poseidon, Hades) will either establish the gods forever or destroy them forever on their sixteenth birthday. Since Thalia and Percy are the only existing children of the Big Three, and both are rapidly nearing their sixteenth birthdays, one of them could be the child of the prophecy.

As they attempt to help twins Bianca and Nico di Angelo, the half-bloods they find in New York, Percy & Co. have a run-in with the Hunters of Artemis and some monsters. They’re able to protect the di Angelos, but Annabeth goes missing during the fracas. The Hunters of Artemis then reveal that Artemis, goddess of the hunt, is also missing, and they’re looking for her. During this brief encounter, the Hunters offer Bianca di Angelo the opportunity to become a Hunter herself and she agrees. In return, she will stay the age she is forever and will have supernatural strength and healing, but she will have to be separated from her brother until she decides to leave the Hunters.

Her brother’s rather upset by this.

Everyone then comes together to find Annabeth and Artemis.

Seriously, that intro is already so much better than the entire Sea of Monsters. And the rest of the book follows through on its beginning’s promise of adventure.

Riordan throws in a a few twists and turns, too. Not so many that it gums up the machinery of the story, but enough to keep things interesting and hold your attention.

My minor, minor, tiny nitpick with this installment in the series is the depiction of Thalia. Riordan portrays her as a take-charge girl (she is Zeus’ daughter, after all) who dresses like a punk rocker. She’s supposed to be a rebel, but the effort to make Thalia seem “cool” and “edgy” falls a little flat, as most adult authors’ descriptions of “cool kids” do.

Please, people. If you’re going to make your characters cool, don’t overexplain how they’re dressed. Cool kids don’t get that way by trying too hard, and if you try too hard for them, it has the same effect (see also: Kishi, Claudia. Seriously, people. Ann M. Martin must be Lady Gaga’s pen name).

Why, in Ann M. Martin's world, does "chic" always translate into some form of a funkdafied ponytail?

I know, it’s not a big deal, but it annoys me to no end.

In short, this is an excellent addition to the Percy Jackson series, and a great recovery from The Sea of Monsters.

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America’s Next Top Model, C14E04 Recap: “America’s Next Top Vampire”

Shoo, boys. It’s ANTM Time.

A recap of last week’s ep: Simone won a challenge, Brenda struggled with her makeover, and Ren was clearly out of place and was SENT. HOME.

On to the show! On the way back from Eliminations, Brenda complains that she got the hardest dance last week. She blames her poor performance on her hair, saying that, when she had long hair, she was “definitely feminine and sexy.” Wow, think much of yourself?

They’re actually going to change her makeover because she’s not rocking it, as opposed to just giving her the boot. Oh, come on, Tyra. Just give her the boot!

Tyra Mail! I didn’t catch it, but the girls have to improvise something.

Dude, Simone goes to Duke! Duke must be SO embarrassed right now. She says she needs to work harder at modeling than she did at her studies, because she’s naturally a good student. She’s quite smug as she says this. Oh, Simone. Don’t be smug. It’s not a good look for you.

The girls enter a studio and Jay Alexander is there to greet them. He informs them that they’re going to take in a performance by the Upright Citizens’ Brigade. They’re an improv troupe. Jay explains that they perform “humor and thinking with the quickness.” Boy, it’s a good thing that Jay isn’t a member of an improv troupe.

Anslee struggles to relay to us how modeling and improv are related. She stutters and stammers and she is not going to do well in whatever’s coming up next.

JB Smoove, who’s been on “Curb Your Enthusiasm”, and explains the common improv exercise “Emotional Scenes” to the audience. Basically, the audience calls out a scene and then an emotion, and the actor has to perform the scene with whatever emotion the audience throws out at them.

Uh, don't you mean "smooth?"

One of the actors demonstrates by changing a baby’s diaper while angry. I am dubious as to the quality of the acting in this acting troupe because the improv was absolutely stupid.

The girls each get to do an improv, and Brenda goes first. She says she’s looking forward to just having fun. She’s supposed to be changing a tractor tire, and she’s shocked. Oh, it’s so bad. She’s just swinging her arms about with her jaw dropped.

Alasia mimes delighted scuba diving. She gets lots of laughs, but JB and Jay didn’t think that she did any actual scuba diving. Uh, guys? You know it’s just improv, right?

Simone depressedly rides a horse. She just looks bored.

Anslee pantomimes the paranoid washing of a Ferrari. She looks more disgusted than paranoid. Angelea delights in Anslee’s failure. Somehow, I doubt that Angelea did better.

We’re thankfully spared the sight of the other girls “improvs,” and the girls head home.

The girls return home to see Alasia’s best picture up in the house as “digital art.” Anslee says she feels like Alasia doesn’t deserve to be there because she doesn’t have enough emotional control. Uh, judging by the way you were screaming at Ren last week, I’m guessing that you don’t deserve to be there because you don’t have enough emotional control. Because we all know that that’s what this competition is really all about.

Tyra Mail! “Tomorrow you are really going to blow up.” Are they going to dress up in fat suits?

Sally Hershberger is back. Krista says they all knows she’s here to fix Brenda’s hair.

Sally admonishes Brenda for not working the hair, so she has to “edge it out.” Brenda asks if it’s going to be shaved out and Sally replies with a mysterious “maybe.” Hey, Brenda, you’re the one who opened that door. You should know better than to tempt Tyra.

Sally grabs the clippers and goes to town on Brenda’s head. She shaves the sides of her head down. It is “edgier,” I suppose.

Angelea makes no effort to hide her delight at Brenda’s discomfort in her haircut. Sally comments that she likes that it looks like she did it herself. Tyra, you could’ve saved a few bucks and just made Brenda do it herself.

Brenda says it’s so not her style. That is true. The haircut is edgy. Brenda is not.

The girls pull up to Times Square in the limo. There are tons of people milling about. Dania Ramirez shows up on a big screen. She was on “Heroes.” Oh, man, I hated her character. She’s part of the reason that I stopped watching that show. What a lame storyline.

Superpower: puttin' me to sleep.

Dania says that she is so excited to let Times Square know that she’s the new face of Cover Girl Clean. She continues to babble about the makeup line and I wonder how she has a career as an actress.

And, SURPRISE (but not really)!! She’s there in Times Square. The girls cheer dutifully.

Dania explains that, in the past, Cover Girl commercials on the show were always about memorizing scripts. But what Cover Girl really wants is for the girls’ personality to shine through. “Delivering lines is the easy part,” Dania claims. Snort. Obviously, she’s never watched the Cover Girl portion of ANTM. If delivering lines is the least of their problems, then they should all be hoboes by now.

They each have to do a thirty-second commercial for Cover Girl Clean. The lines will all be in voiceover. Instead, they have to “embody the Cover Girl vibe” with actions. Dania urges them to stay true to who they are. Do people who talk like that ever really know what they mean?

The girl whom Dania decides did the best will be featured in an advertorial for Seventeen and on CoverGirl.com. Thousands of people will see them because it will be broadcast live on the Jumbotron that Dania was on earlier.

Alasia is nervous. Krista is ready and pumped to let her personality shine. I am actually starting to like her more.

The girls have to do their own makeup. Oookay. Do they make Drew Barrymore and Queen Latifah do their own makeup, too?

Simone is disappointed that there’s no dialogue. That would have been her strong suit, so she doesn’t have an advantage against the other girls now. Ms. Duke University claims that modeling isn’t as clearcut as writing a paper, which she claims she can bust out in five hours.

Let that be a lesson to us all: STAY IN SCHOOL, STUPID.

Anslee is up first. Boring. Dania would be proud.

Tatianna says she’s going to bring something different. She flips her hair and shimmys and does some weird shivering and the people in Times Square cheer for her.

Brenda smiles uncomfortably. She’s quite awkward.

We see random shots of the girls. I’m just thankful that they’re not dragging it out.

Dania starts by saying that they’re all holding back. She encourages them to go all the way. Her inspirational speech is unconvincing.

Anslee was aloof. Dania wanted her to be more inviting. Anslee blames it on not hearing Dania clearly when she was explaining the challenge in Times Square. Oh, baloney. If she was confused about it, she should have asked when they got back to hair and makeup.

Brenda kept posing like it was a photoshoot.

Simone was holding back. Can’t you be more specific, Dania? Vague criticism is worthless.

Tatianna did a good job of showing her personality. Dania says, “But the winner is…” And it’s Tatianna. Wow, way to throw us off the trail, Dania. That makes the show better. She tells Tatianna, “I feel like I know you.” Uh… okay.

Tatianna’s excited. “Finally, I get some good criticism!” Aww, enjoy it, Tatianna. I’m sure you and your teeth won’t be around that much longer.

Back at the house, Anslee’s annoyed because Alasia has left a container of peas and corn to defrost on the counter. She tells Alasia that it belongs in the fridge. When Alasia explains that she’s just defrosting it, Anslee sarcastically says, “Then why does it say, ‘keep refrigerated’ on it?”

Alasia takes offense at Anslee’s tone. Surprisingly, she doesn’t just lay into Anslee. Anslee’s actually the one who picks a fight with Alasia. Boy, for someone who always talks self-righteously about how everyone else is soooo much less mature than she is because they didn’t get knocked up at nineteen, she sure does love to shout.

Ooooh, and then Alasia pulls the daughter card, and Anslee goes absolutely ballistic.

Angelea stands by, just watching, sporting Ugly Headwrap #9.

Krista hears the shouting and breaks it up because she’s “sleepy as hell.” Hee.

Anslee rages, “Don’t tell me what it is to be a woman because you’re just beginning to figure it out.” Listen, honey, having a kid does force you to grow up faster, but that doesn’t mean you’re mature. Allow me to point out that you were the one who picked a fight with this eighteen-year-old kid that you seem to despise so much.

Tyra Mail! “Tomorrow, beware of the no-neck monster.” It’s a photoshoot!

Jessica tries to guess what the No-Neck Monster photoshoot is going to be and says, “Of course it’s gonna be snakes.” HUH?? Because snakes don’t have necks? Oh, boy.

The girls walk into the photoshoot and there’s a dude in the tub and he’s made up to look like he’s dead.

Then, Jay Manuel sneaks up behind them dressed like an extra from The Matrix. Krista says that the girls were so startled that they almost peed in their pants. He removes his sunglasses to reveal that he’s wearing vampire makeup with contacts. He actually looks pretty scary. Except that there’s no glitter. The vampires that scare me the most sparkle and they don’t suck your blood, they suck your literary taste right out of your head! Scary!!!

I don't remember seeing any vampires in here.

CJ, the guy in the tub, is a model and will assist in their vampire shoot. They’ll all be “blind as a bat” because they’re wearing white-out contact lenses.

Brenda’s never put anything in her eye and says that this shoot keeps getting harder and harder. And they haven’t even gone into hair and makeup, yet.

Jay takes them on set and they’re pouring blood into the tub. He explains that they’ll be in the blood during the photoshoot. Krista’s incredulous look as he explains this is priceless.

Some of the girls are freaking out, and Tatianna proudly announces that she’s not scared because she works for a mortician.

Girls, you know it’s not real blood, right?

Angelea talks about putting in the contacts, and she says that she “just got them in like BADAM!” Hee.

She gets to set and is introduced to CJ, and greets him with a “Hi, boo.” They help her into the tub and commence the photoshoot.

Alasia has a lot of energy on set, and Jay says she looks great.

A bunch of girls are watching, and as they discuss Alasia’s performance, Alexandra burps in the other girls’ faces. That is disgusting. I was once driving down a mountain with a friend who was getting carsick. I tried to keep her mind off things by singing the entire soundtrack from The Sound of Music to her. She then turned to me and burped. Right in my face. After we’d had hot dogs for lunch.

The hills are alive with the smell of hot dogs...

Don’t ever burp in people’s faces, y’all. That’s just gross.

Alexandra works her body during the shoot, and Jay approves.

Jay urges Krista to use her ballet training from last week.

Jessica looks like she’s just sitting there, blind.

Brenda’s shoot is a mess. She drops the contact, and Anslee ends up having to put it in for her. Brenda is freaking out and she cries about it, even after she gets the contact in.

Anslee smugly informs us that Brenda “is a mother, but right now, she’s a baby.”

Jay gives her a little pep talk before she goes in. CJ takes her hand when she comes on set and Brenda says that she feels like “a romance started up right then.” Uh-oh. She’s totally going to go all Fatal Attraction on him. Next thing he knows, she’s going to show up at his place, all, “But I looooove you!” and boiling his pets.

But I LOOOOOOOOOVE you!!

Tatianna gets all up in the blood. She works for a mortician so she’s not squeamish. She licks the blood off her finger to prove this. I wouldn’t be so quick to do that if I were you, Tatianna. High fructose corn syrup actually is bad for you.

Raina does well, as usual.

Anslee’s shoot is too romance novelly, according to Jay. But she thinks she did ossom. She thinks Jay was completely pleased. She thinks he was very impressed with her today. And everyone knows that your own good opinion matters more than what the judges think!

Jay warns Simone that her performance last week was lackluster, so she really needs to turn it out if she wants to stick around. Simone is holding way too much back. Jay and the photographer encourage her to just let go, and she does much better after she does.

Back home, Brenda complains about the contacts. Good God, she’s the new Ren. She’s bRenda.

Tyra Mail! Eliminations!

The girls shoot worried glances at each other.

Anslee thinks she did ossom. She says that she doesn’t care how the other girls did because she’s only here for her own dreams. Uh, oh, and her husband and child.

Simone confessionals that she’s nervous. Brenda’s nervous, too, because of her panic attack. She says, “God, please, please, please help me get a good photo tomorrow.” As she says this, she rolls her eyes back into her head and hilariously looks just like she did when she was wearing those contacts she had so much trouble with. HA!!

Panel! Tyra is wearing an awful purple pantsuit. It’s hideous. But her slicked-back hair and silver earrings are gorgeous.

We meet our judges. The guest judge is Dania Ramirez. Blah. She is beyond boring.

Tatianna is up first. She was our challenge winner. Hey, that reminds me: how come Alasia didn’t get a prize for her first-place pic last night?

Tatianna’s shot. Nigel feels the angst/tension. Dania says she has attitude. ALT loves the drama and says she gives a good drama. And then we’re treated to a close-up and, OH, GOD, her teeth are awful. I shudder.

Jessica. ALT takes one look at her military jacket, calls her a bandleader and makes her take off her jacket. He says that her pose is cliché, and it’s our French Word of the Day!

Alasia. ALT loves the photo. She’s telling a story. Her legs and arms are ossom. She’s happy with her pic, and she should be — it’s amazing.

Simone. ALT quips that that’s how a black girl gets out of the tub; it’s a hair thing. Hey, don’t look at me; those are ALT’s words, not mine. It’s an ungainly picture. She’s like a mannequin, all stiff and posed. Ooh, that might be her death knell that we’re hearing.

Angelea. Nigel wishes that her head was even more thrown back in the picture. The foot out of the tub is awful. She gets awarded the title of “dreckitude” from ALT. And she has earned it.

Krista. She’s almost levitating, but her face looks tense. Tyra says she’s doing an “I smell dookie” face.

Raina is fighting for her life in the picture. Hasn’t she lost it already, if she’s a vampire? The pic is good, but I don’t think it’s anything particularly special.

Alexandra. ALT feels vampire romance. That’s a bad thing to some people, ALT. Nigel is concerned with her versatility.

The judges love Brenda’s edgier hair. She does a few awkward twirls and poses to try to convince the judges that she’s into it. FAIL. They love her picture, though. Tyra feels like Brenda wants to bite her, and ALT hates her legs, but loves her hands.

Anslee busts out a fake English accent, and they make her tuck up her sleeves because her shirt is ugly. Anslee is in full brown-nosing mode and whines to the judges that she only wears the shirt for the back of it, anyway. They ask her to turn around, and, oh, my. The back of the shirt is all ripped up. It’s dreckitude on an Alasia’s-silver-swimsuit-level.

Dania doesn’t pick up on Anslee’s butt-kissing, and says that Anslee has so much more personality than they thought. She asks why Anslee didn’t show this during her Cover Girl challenge. Anslee protests that she couldn’t hear Dania in times square. I know it isn’t Smell-o-Vision, but I’m certain that I can smell the waves of desperation rolling off of her.

Her pic is blah. Tyra calls her to task for grabbing the front of the tub. Anslee immediately protests that the people on set were telling her to do that. Nigel calls her on blaming others for her mistakes and tells her that she has to take control of her own success.

Deliberations.

They love Tatianna’s emotional range. Dania says she was the only one to pay atention. Tyra loves how Tatianna looks like she’s inhaling.
Jessica. ALT thinks she’s super-boring, and I agree. Tyra thinks her picture is okay, though.
Alasia. Her pic is sexy. Tyra says that her pose should say “skank,” but it doesn’t.
Brenda. It’s okay. I’d say it’s in the middle of the pack.
Angelea. ALT calls her “Dreckitude with the head back.”
Krista. Dania says that she doesn’t buy Krista as a model. That’s rich, coming from an actress. What is she even doing here?
Anslee. She just makes excuses. Nigel says, “Don’t make excuses, get it right.” They actually like the male model in the pic. When they’re talking about the other model in the pic instead of you, then you know the pic is bad. Nigel says it looks like he’s asking, “What are you doing holding on to the front of the tub?”
Raina. Tyra says she looks hungry. I’m guessing that’s because she’s a model and probably hasn’t eaten in a very long time. ZING!
Simone. Nigel says that she looks boyish; the pic looks like it’s boy-on-boy. Guess we should start calling her “Simon.” Not that she’s going to make it past this episode, though.
Alexandra. She does the same pose a lot. Tyra says it could be a signature pose, but Nigel protests that this is only her fourth shoot; how could she already have a signature pose? They ask ALT what his signature pose is. ALT’s signature pose consists of him leaning his elbow on the table and propping up his head with his hand, thus making him look like he’s paying attention, and also tightening the skin around his eyes. Oh, ALT. You are a delight.

The judges have come to a decision.

Best picture of the week: who’s the winner?

It’s Alasia. Two weeks in a row, and deservedly so. “Snap!” she says happily.

The runner up is Raina. I’m sure she’s not happy about coming in second to Alasia.

Tatianna
Brenda
Alexandra
Angelea
, who’s always so morose at panel. What’s up with that?
Jessica
Krista

Simone and Anslee step forward. Hmm, I like Simone better, but actually think that Anslee takes better pictures. In any case, I’m sure neither is sticking around for much longer.

Anslee has amazing bone structure, but her photos are falling flat and the judges do. Not. Like. Excuses. For once, I agree with the judges. It’s just bad form.

Simone has strong potential and they tell her to push, but it doesn’t come across in her photos. She’s stuck inside herself and can’t show on the outside what she feels on the inside.

But who will still be in the running to become America’s Next Top Model?

Anslee’s in. Meh. Mama Tyra coaches her in why she really fell flat: because of her own failures.

Tyra says Simone needs to do some testing and study her film. Simone stands on the catwalk, turns and waves goodbye to the girls, and walks out. The girls look at each other, like, “Huh? I though we was cool.”

Simone is calm and composed as she prepares to leave, and I actually kinda respect her for it.

Next week: Jessica gets too close to Nigel. Anslee’s caught between modeling and family. Bo-ring. I can’t decide if this season has just been boring or if I’m finally just getting sick of this show.

At any rate: pictures! Ranking pix never gets old for me.

10. Angelea

America's Next Top Model

Uh... a little help?

This picture is boring AND awkward. Way to multitask, Angelea! I think it looks like she slipped and fell in and he’s trying to help her out, but she’s having a mild seizure that’s causing her eyes to roll back into her head. If she weren’t so slack-jawed in this photo, that would probably help.

9. Simone

America's Next Top Model

Light as a feather, stiff as a board.

Poor, pretty Simone. She’s a beautiful girl, but she is not a model. Ladies, if you’re out there and you’re in a good school, heed my words: it is NEVER a good idea to abandon your education to be on ANTM. If you were able to get into school in the first place, chances are that you can be so much better than this show.

Simone will, at best, become an Old Navy Supermodelquin.

8. Anslee

America's Next Top Model

I don't see nothin' wrong...

This is the saddest bump-and-grind I’ve ever seen. What makes this picture so bad is that her face and body SO don’t go together. And her face is super-boring to top everything else off.

7. Krista

America's Next Top Model

Oh, CJ, you're soooooo funny!

Oh, Krista. She looks like she’s just cackling in glee at something CJ just said. Why she’s levitating isn’t really clear — I still don’t quite understand how she’s even holding that position.. But it’s funny. And he looks like he’s laughing, too.

6. Tatianna

America's Next Top Model

I vant to suck your blood!

Of all the girls, Tatianna was the most vampiric, in my opinion. But only because of her God-awful, jacked-up teeth. How many times do I have to tell you, Tatianna? Keep those misshapen puppies contained at all times. Other than that, her pose is decent, but otherwise uninspired.

5. Brenda

America's Next Top Model

Is she rocking the haircut, or is it rocking her?

Brenda’s face is actually really good in this shot. And I agree with ALT that the synergy of hands is good. But I also agree with ALT that the legs are just awful. If they cut that out of the shot, it would be good.

And Brenda’s modified makeover is edgier, but I still don’t think she can carry it off. Just because you have an edgy haircut doesn’t make you edgy.

4. Alexandra

America's Next Top Model

Meh. As usual.

This picture is boring, but at least it isn’t ugly. That’s really all I have to say about it.

3. Jessica

America's Next Top Model

Cliché?

So, the judges said that Jessica’s picture was clichéd, but I didn’t agree. Her pose is interesting, and I can see movement here. Her face is a little boring, though, so she’s not in the two spot.

2. Raina

America's Next Top Model

I gotta get outta here!

Raina’s picture looks a lot to me like Angelea’s… done right, though. Whereas Angelea’s just sitting there, Raina’s working the angles, making it interesting. I wasn’t as huge a fan of the face as the judges were, but it’s still one of the better pictures in the bunch.

1. Alasia

America's Next Top Model

Eat your heart out, Bella Swan.

Girlfriend has been rocking it out since last week. This pic is amazing. She’s working all of her angles, finding the light, giving neck, and remembering to point her toes with all of that, too. I think Tyra would agree that this is modeling H2T.

What did you think?