Shoo, boys. It’s ANTM Time.
A recap of last week’s ep: Simone won a challenge, Brenda struggled with her makeover, and Ren was clearly out of place and was SENT. HOME.
On to the show! On the way back from Eliminations, Brenda complains that she got the hardest dance last week. She blames her poor performance on her hair, saying that, when she had long hair, she was “definitely feminine and sexy.” Wow, think much of yourself?
They’re actually going to change her makeover because she’s not rocking it, as opposed to just giving her the boot. Oh, come on, Tyra. Just give her the boot!
Tyra Mail! I didn’t catch it, but the girls have to improvise something.
Dude, Simone goes to Duke! Duke must be SO embarrassed right now. She says she needs to work harder at modeling than she did at her studies, because she’s naturally a good student. She’s quite smug as she says this. Oh, Simone. Don’t be smug. It’s not a good look for you.
The girls enter a studio and Jay Alexander is there to greet them. He informs them that they’re going to take in a performance by the Upright Citizens’ Brigade. They’re an improv troupe. Jay explains that they perform “humor and thinking with the quickness.” Boy, it’s a good thing that Jay isn’t a member of an improv troupe.
Anslee struggles to relay to us how modeling and improv are related. She stutters and stammers and she is not going to do well in whatever’s coming up next.
JB Smoove, who’s been on “Curb Your Enthusiasm”, and explains the common improv exercise “Emotional Scenes” to the audience. Basically, the audience calls out a scene and then an emotion, and the actor has to perform the scene with whatever emotion the audience throws out at them.
One of the actors demonstrates by changing a baby’s diaper while angry. I am dubious as to the quality of the acting in this acting troupe because the improv was absolutely stupid.
The girls each get to do an improv, and Brenda goes first. She says she’s looking forward to just having fun. She’s supposed to be changing a tractor tire, and she’s shocked. Oh, it’s so bad. She’s just swinging her arms about with her jaw dropped.
Alasia mimes delighted scuba diving. She gets lots of laughs, but JB and Jay didn’t think that she did any actual scuba diving. Uh, guys? You know it’s just improv, right?
Simone depressedly rides a horse. She just looks bored.
Anslee pantomimes the paranoid washing of a Ferrari. She looks more disgusted than paranoid. Angelea delights in Anslee’s failure. Somehow, I doubt that Angelea did better.
We’re thankfully spared the sight of the other girls “improvs,” and the girls head home.
The girls return home to see Alasia’s best picture up in the house as “digital art.” Anslee says she feels like Alasia doesn’t deserve to be there because she doesn’t have enough emotional control. Uh, judging by the way you were screaming at Ren last week, I’m guessing that you don’t deserve to be there because you don’t have enough emotional control. Because we all know that that’s what this competition is really all about.
Tyra Mail! “Tomorrow you are really going to blow up.” Are they going to dress up in fat suits?
Sally Hershberger is back. Krista says they all knows she’s here to fix Brenda’s hair.
Sally admonishes Brenda for not working the hair, so she has to “edge it out.” Brenda asks if it’s going to be shaved out and Sally replies with a mysterious “maybe.” Hey, Brenda, you’re the one who opened that door. You should know better than to tempt Tyra.
Sally grabs the clippers and goes to town on Brenda’s head. She shaves the sides of her head down. It is “edgier,” I suppose.
Angelea makes no effort to hide her delight at Brenda’s discomfort in her haircut. Sally comments that she likes that it looks like she did it herself. Tyra, you could’ve saved a few bucks and just made Brenda do it herself.
Brenda says it’s so not her style. That is true. The haircut is edgy. Brenda is not.
The girls pull up to Times Square in the limo. There are tons of people milling about. Dania Ramirez shows up on a big screen. She was on “Heroes.” Oh, man, I hated her character. She’s part of the reason that I stopped watching that show. What a lame storyline.
Dania says that she is so excited to let Times Square know that she’s the new face of Cover Girl Clean. She continues to babble about the makeup line and I wonder how she has a career as an actress.
And, SURPRISE (but not really)!! She’s there in Times Square. The girls cheer dutifully.
Dania explains that, in the past, Cover Girl commercials on the show were always about memorizing scripts. But what Cover Girl really wants is for the girls’ personality to shine through. “Delivering lines is the easy part,” Dania claims. Snort. Obviously, she’s never watched the Cover Girl portion of ANTM. If delivering lines is the least of their problems, then they should all be hoboes by now.
They each have to do a thirty-second commercial for Cover Girl Clean. The lines will all be in voiceover. Instead, they have to “embody the Cover Girl vibe” with actions. Dania urges them to stay true to who they are. Do people who talk like that ever really know what they mean?
The girl whom Dania decides did the best will be featured in an advertorial for Seventeen and on CoverGirl.com. Thousands of people will see them because it will be broadcast live on the Jumbotron that Dania was on earlier.
Alasia is nervous. Krista is ready and pumped to let her personality shine. I am actually starting to like her more.
The girls have to do their own makeup. Oookay. Do they make Drew Barrymore and Queen Latifah do their own makeup, too?
Simone is disappointed that there’s no dialogue. That would have been her strong suit, so she doesn’t have an advantage against the other girls now. Ms. Duke University claims that modeling isn’t as clearcut as writing a paper, which she claims she can bust out in five hours.
Let that be a lesson to us all: STAY IN SCHOOL, STUPID.
Anslee is up first. Boring. Dania would be proud.
Tatianna says she’s going to bring something different. She flips her hair and shimmys and does some weird shivering and the people in Times Square cheer for her.
Brenda smiles uncomfortably. She’s quite awkward.
We see random shots of the girls. I’m just thankful that they’re not dragging it out.
Dania starts by saying that they’re all holding back. She encourages them to go all the way. Her inspirational speech is unconvincing.
Anslee was aloof. Dania wanted her to be more inviting. Anslee blames it on not hearing Dania clearly when she was explaining the challenge in Times Square. Oh, baloney. If she was confused about it, she should have asked when they got back to hair and makeup.
Brenda kept posing like it was a photoshoot.
Simone was holding back. Can’t you be more specific, Dania? Vague criticism is worthless.
Tatianna did a good job of showing her personality. Dania says, “But the winner is…” And it’s Tatianna. Wow, way to throw us off the trail, Dania. That makes the show better. She tells Tatianna, “I feel like I know you.” Uh… okay.
Tatianna’s excited. “Finally, I get some good criticism!” Aww, enjoy it, Tatianna. I’m sure you and your teeth won’t be around that much longer.
Back at the house, Anslee’s annoyed because Alasia has left a container of peas and corn to defrost on the counter. She tells Alasia that it belongs in the fridge. When Alasia explains that she’s just defrosting it, Anslee sarcastically says, “Then why does it say, ‘keep refrigerated’ on it?”
Alasia takes offense at Anslee’s tone. Surprisingly, she doesn’t just lay into Anslee. Anslee’s actually the one who picks a fight with Alasia. Boy, for someone who always talks self-righteously about how everyone else is soooo much less mature than she is because they didn’t get knocked up at nineteen, she sure does love to shout.
Ooooh, and then Alasia pulls the daughter card, and Anslee goes absolutely ballistic.
Angelea stands by, just watching, sporting Ugly Headwrap #9.
Krista hears the shouting and breaks it up because she’s “sleepy as hell.” Hee.
Anslee rages, “Don’t tell me what it is to be a woman because you’re just beginning to figure it out.” Listen, honey, having a kid does force you to grow up faster, but that doesn’t mean you’re mature. Allow me to point out that you were the one who picked a fight with this eighteen-year-old kid that you seem to despise so much.
Tyra Mail! “Tomorrow, beware of the no-neck monster.” It’s a photoshoot!
Jessica tries to guess what the No-Neck Monster photoshoot is going to be and says, “Of course it’s gonna be snakes.” HUH?? Because snakes don’t have necks? Oh, boy.
The girls walk into the photoshoot and there’s a dude in the tub and he’s made up to look like he’s dead.
Then, Jay Manuel sneaks up behind them dressed like an extra from The Matrix. Krista says that the girls were so startled that they almost peed in their pants. He removes his sunglasses to reveal that he’s wearing vampire makeup with contacts. He actually looks pretty scary. Except that there’s no glitter. The vampires that scare me the most sparkle and they don’t suck your blood, they suck your literary taste right out of your head! Scary!!!
CJ, the guy in the tub, is a model and will assist in their vampire shoot. They’ll all be “blind as a bat” because they’re wearing white-out contact lenses.
Brenda’s never put anything in her eye and says that this shoot keeps getting harder and harder. And they haven’t even gone into hair and makeup, yet.
Jay takes them on set and they’re pouring blood into the tub. He explains that they’ll be in the blood during the photoshoot. Krista’s incredulous look as he explains this is priceless.
Some of the girls are freaking out, and Tatianna proudly announces that she’s not scared because she works for a mortician.
Girls, you know it’s not real blood, right?
Angelea talks about putting in the contacts, and she says that she “just got them in like BADAM!” Hee.
She gets to set and is introduced to CJ, and greets him with a “Hi, boo.” They help her into the tub and commence the photoshoot.
Alasia has a lot of energy on set, and Jay says she looks great.
A bunch of girls are watching, and as they discuss Alasia’s performance, Alexandra burps in the other girls’ faces. That is disgusting. I was once driving down a mountain with a friend who was getting carsick. I tried to keep her mind off things by singing the entire soundtrack from The Sound of Music to her. She then turned to me and burped. Right in my face. After we’d had hot dogs for lunch.
Don’t ever burp in people’s faces, y’all. That’s just gross.
Alexandra works her body during the shoot, and Jay approves.
Jay urges Krista to use her ballet training from last week.
Jessica looks like she’s just sitting there, blind.
Brenda’s shoot is a mess. She drops the contact, and Anslee ends up having to put it in for her. Brenda is freaking out and she cries about it, even after she gets the contact in.
Anslee smugly informs us that Brenda “is a mother, but right now, she’s a baby.”
Jay gives her a little pep talk before she goes in. CJ takes her hand when she comes on set and Brenda says that she feels like “a romance started up right then.” Uh-oh. She’s totally going to go all Fatal Attraction on him. Next thing he knows, she’s going to show up at his place, all, “But I looooove you!” and boiling his pets.
Tatianna gets all up in the blood. She works for a mortician so she’s not squeamish. She licks the blood off her finger to prove this. I wouldn’t be so quick to do that if I were you, Tatianna. High fructose corn syrup actually is bad for you.
Raina does well, as usual.
Anslee’s shoot is too romance novelly, according to Jay. But she thinks she did ossom. She thinks Jay was completely pleased. She thinks he was very impressed with her today. And everyone knows that your own good opinion matters more than what the judges think!
Jay warns Simone that her performance last week was lackluster, so she really needs to turn it out if she wants to stick around. Simone is holding way too much back. Jay and the photographer encourage her to just let go, and she does much better after she does.
Back home, Brenda complains about the contacts. Good God, she’s the new Ren. She’s bRenda.
Tyra Mail! Eliminations!
The girls shoot worried glances at each other.
Anslee thinks she did ossom. She says that she doesn’t care how the other girls did because she’s only here for her own dreams. Uh, oh, and her husband and child.
Simone confessionals that she’s nervous. Brenda’s nervous, too, because of her panic attack. She says, “God, please, please, please help me get a good photo tomorrow.” As she says this, she rolls her eyes back into her head and hilariously looks just like she did when she was wearing those contacts she had so much trouble with. HA!!
Panel! Tyra is wearing an awful purple pantsuit. It’s hideous. But her slicked-back hair and silver earrings are gorgeous.
We meet our judges. The guest judge is Dania Ramirez. Blah. She is beyond boring.
Tatianna is up first. She was our challenge winner. Hey, that reminds me: how come Alasia didn’t get a prize for her first-place pic last night?
Tatianna’s shot. Nigel feels the angst/tension. Dania says she has attitude. ALT loves the drama and says she gives a good drama. And then we’re treated to a close-up and, OH, GOD, her teeth are awful. I shudder.
Jessica. ALT takes one look at her military jacket, calls her a bandleader and makes her take off her jacket. He says that her pose is cliché, and it’s our French Word of the Day!
Alasia. ALT loves the photo. She’s telling a story. Her legs and arms are ossom. She’s happy with her pic, and she should be — it’s amazing.
Simone. ALT quips that that’s how a black girl gets out of the tub; it’s a hair thing. Hey, don’t look at me; those are ALT’s words, not mine. It’s an ungainly picture. She’s like a mannequin, all stiff and posed. Ooh, that might be her death knell that we’re hearing.
Angelea. Nigel wishes that her head was even more thrown back in the picture. The foot out of the tub is awful. She gets awarded the title of “dreckitude” from ALT. And she has earned it.
Krista. She’s almost levitating, but her face looks tense. Tyra says she’s doing an “I smell dookie” face.
Raina is fighting for her life in the picture. Hasn’t she lost it already, if she’s a vampire? The pic is good, but I don’t think it’s anything particularly special.
Alexandra. ALT feels vampire romance. That’s a bad thing to some people, ALT. Nigel is concerned with her versatility.
The judges love Brenda’s edgier hair. She does a few awkward twirls and poses to try to convince the judges that she’s into it. FAIL. They love her picture, though. Tyra feels like Brenda wants to bite her, and ALT hates her legs, but loves her hands.
Anslee busts out a fake English accent, and they make her tuck up her sleeves because her shirt is ugly. Anslee is in full brown-nosing mode and whines to the judges that she only wears the shirt for the back of it, anyway. They ask her to turn around, and, oh, my. The back of the shirt is all ripped up. It’s dreckitude on an Alasia’s-silver-swimsuit-level.
Dania doesn’t pick up on Anslee’s butt-kissing, and says that Anslee has so much more personality than they thought. She asks why Anslee didn’t show this during her Cover Girl challenge. Anslee protests that she couldn’t hear Dania in times square. I know it isn’t Smell-o-Vision, but I’m certain that I can smell the waves of desperation rolling off of her.
Her pic is blah. Tyra calls her to task for grabbing the front of the tub. Anslee immediately protests that the people on set were telling her to do that. Nigel calls her on blaming others for her mistakes and tells her that she has to take control of her own success.
They love Tatianna’s emotional range. Dania says she was the only one to pay atention. Tyra loves how Tatianna looks like she’s inhaling.
Jessica. ALT thinks she’s super-boring, and I agree. Tyra thinks her picture is okay, though.
Alasia. Her pic is sexy. Tyra says that her pose should say “skank,” but it doesn’t.
Brenda. It’s okay. I’d say it’s in the middle of the pack.
Angelea. ALT calls her “Dreckitude with the head back.”
Krista. Dania says that she doesn’t buy Krista as a model. That’s rich, coming from an actress. What is she even doing here?
Anslee. She just makes excuses. Nigel says, “Don’t make excuses, get it right.” They actually like the male model in the pic. When they’re talking about the other model in the pic instead of you, then you know the pic is bad. Nigel says it looks like he’s asking, “What are you doing holding on to the front of the tub?”
Raina. Tyra says she looks hungry. I’m guessing that’s because she’s a model and probably hasn’t eaten in a very long time. ZING!
Simone. Nigel says that she looks boyish; the pic looks like it’s boy-on-boy. Guess we should start calling her “Simon.” Not that she’s going to make it past this episode, though.
Alexandra. She does the same pose a lot. Tyra says it could be a signature pose, but Nigel protests that this is only her fourth shoot; how could she already have a signature pose? They ask ALT what his signature pose is. ALT’s signature pose consists of him leaning his elbow on the table and propping up his head with his hand, thus making him look like he’s paying attention, and also tightening the skin around his eyes. Oh, ALT. You are a delight.
The judges have come to a decision.
Best picture of the week: who’s the winner?
It’s Alasia. Two weeks in a row, and deservedly so. “Snap!” she says happily.
The runner up is Raina. I’m sure she’s not happy about coming in second to Alasia.
Angelea, who’s always so morose at panel. What’s up with that?
Simone and Anslee step forward. Hmm, I like Simone better, but actually think that Anslee takes better pictures. In any case, I’m sure neither is sticking around for much longer.
Anslee has amazing bone structure, but her photos are falling flat and the judges do. Not. Like. Excuses. For once, I agree with the judges. It’s just bad form.
Simone has strong potential and they tell her to push, but it doesn’t come across in her photos. She’s stuck inside herself and can’t show on the outside what she feels on the inside.
But who will still be in the running to become America’s Next Top Model?
Anslee’s in. Meh. Mama Tyra coaches her in why she really fell flat: because of her own failures.
Tyra says Simone needs to do some testing and study her film. Simone stands on the catwalk, turns and waves goodbye to the girls, and walks out. The girls look at each other, like, “Huh? I though we was cool.”
Simone is calm and composed as she prepares to leave, and I actually kinda respect her for it.
Next week: Jessica gets too close to Nigel. Anslee’s caught between modeling and family. Bo-ring. I can’t decide if this season has just been boring or if I’m finally just getting sick of this show.
At any rate: pictures! Ranking pix never gets old for me.
This picture is boring AND awkward. Way to multitask, Angelea! I think it looks like she slipped and fell in and he’s trying to help her out, but she’s having a mild seizure that’s causing her eyes to roll back into her head. If she weren’t so slack-jawed in this photo, that would probably help.
Poor, pretty Simone. She’s a beautiful girl, but she is not a model. Ladies, if you’re out there and you’re in a good school, heed my words: it is NEVER a good idea to abandon your education to be on ANTM. If you were able to get into school in the first place, chances are that you can be so much better than this show.
Simone will, at best, become an Old Navy Supermodelquin.
This is the saddest bump-and-grind I’ve ever seen. What makes this picture so bad is that her face and body SO don’t go together. And her face is super-boring to top everything else off.
Oh, Krista. She looks like she’s just cackling in glee at something CJ just said. Why she’s levitating isn’t really clear — I still don’t quite understand how she’s even holding that position.. But it’s funny. And he looks like he’s laughing, too.
Of all the girls, Tatianna was the most vampiric, in my opinion. But only because of her God-awful, jacked-up teeth. How many times do I have to tell you, Tatianna? Keep those misshapen puppies contained at all times. Other than that, her pose is decent, but otherwise uninspired.
Brenda’s face is actually really good in this shot. And I agree with ALT that the synergy of hands is good. But I also agree with ALT that the legs are just awful. If they cut that out of the shot, it would be good.
And Brenda’s modified makeover is edgier, but I still don’t think she can carry it off. Just because you have an edgy haircut doesn’t make you edgy.
This picture is boring, but at least it isn’t ugly. That’s really all I have to say about it.
So, the judges said that Jessica’s picture was clichéd, but I didn’t agree. Her pose is interesting, and I can see movement here. Her face is a little boring, though, so she’s not in the two spot.
Raina’s picture looks a lot to me like Angelea’s… done right, though. Whereas Angelea’s just sitting there, Raina’s working the angles, making it interesting. I wasn’t as huge a fan of the face as the judges were, but it’s still one of the better pictures in the bunch.
Girlfriend has been rocking it out since last week. This pic is amazing. She’s working all of her angles, finding the light, giving neck, and remembering to point her toes with all of that, too. I think Tyra would agree that this is modeling H2T.
What did you think?