Hooooo, sorry about the delay, ladies. Vacation. I’m exhausted. Let’s leave it at that.
Let’s dive right in, shall we?
The girls have mail from whoever it is they ditched back home to be on this show. Everyone is excited. Anslee’s crying because her daughter wrote her a letter telling her how much she misses her and that she thinks about her every day. It’s actually quite sweet. Anslee’s feeling guilty because she’s put her daughter through so much hurt by leaving her to be in this competition, and she still might come away with nothing. How about next time, you think about that before you try your hand at modeling? Do you think you’re going to get to spend all day with her for the rest of her life if you actually do end up getting this gig? Chew on that, Anslee.
Jessica drinks pickle juice from a can, and Tatianna says it’s disgusting. Jessica laughs and says that Tatianna has no right to judge, since she loves bodily functions so much. In case we all forgot, Tatianna wants to be a coroner, yo! That’s why she’s comfortable licking fake blood off her fingers! She’s tough and quirky, everyone!
Also, she is sporting Ugly Headgear #10, and it is quite ugly. She’s tucked all her hair up into it and is looking she’s hiding some Alien Nation under that beanie.
She says that she’s pretty sure that she will have to choose between modeling and being a coroner. Choose the coroner, honey. Your teeth are much better suited to pondering cause of death than freaking people out on a billboard.
But, nooo, she quit school to be on the show. Please, girls, when will you learn that it is never a good idea to quit school to be on ANTM?
Tyra Mail! “You don’t need to be a scientist to be good at chemistry. Love, Tyra.” The girls scream excitedly, despite the fact that they have no idea what that means.
The next morning, the girls head out to Roosevelt Island, where they are met by Jay Alexander.
Krista thinks it might be a runway challenge. Jay tells them instead that the vampire challenged evidenced that they need help working with the opposite sex.
Jay explains that many magazines feature ads with couples, “but they’re not couples. They’re models.” Uh, thanks for clearing that up, Jay. For a second, I thought you couldn’t model for perfume ads unless you were married and hetero.
Jay encourages the girls to break the ice with the men they work with; to ask about their lives, say something funny, and to make eye contact, even if he’s cross-eyed. Just why would a cross-eyed model be hired for a major ad campaign, Jay? Hiring a cross-eyed model is just like hiring a model with jacked-up teeth…
The girls are going on a tram, and they will all have to be on that tram with a famous male model who’s now on a top television show.
Angelea goes first. The “shy” male model stands with his back to her. And it’s Nigel!! Good God, is he ever HOTT. She flirts with him, asking if he has a girlfriend. She then “rawrs” him, and he’s a little taken aback, as am I. You’re supposed to make him feel comfortable, Angelea, not try to seduce him back to your crib.
And then she busts out her M.C. Hammer dance to show him her skills. Nigel is speechless. He doesn’t feel that she was herself.
And he doesn’t say it, but I’m sure that Nigel’s thinking that Angelea can’t touch this:
Please, Hammer, don’t hurt ’em!
Alexandra’s up next, and she spends the whole time boasting about her hottness and her “hips that don’t lie.” And they don’t; I can totally tell that she ate a jelly donut for breakfast yesterday. ZING!! Come on, you can’t blame me; she’s just asking for it when she says stuff like that.
Tatianna introduces herself like a normal person, which is a promising start. But then she insults his fashion sense, and Nigel does not take kindly to it.
Anslee is embarrassed because he criticized her at panel. She talks about her life, and, while Nigel thought she was very real and was being herself, I thought she was BO to the RING. Just because you don’t have to listen to her yammering on and on about being a mother all the time, Nigel.
Jessica proudly sports Ugly Headgear #11, a giant, thick-knit beanie with a ginormo pompom on top. She gets very touchy-feely-grabby with him, and it makes him very uncomfortable. she starts stripping down, and threatens to strip him down, too. Nigel is spectacularly uncomfortable, and so am I. How is it that none of these girls but freakin’ Anslee understand the challenge at all?
Nigel says he feels assaulted. Jessica winks at her and leaves. He is visibly relieved that the challenge is over. He gives them a few pointers and then takes them to their challenge.
The challenge judge is Ann Shoket, Editor-in-Chief of Seventeen magazine. Tatianna’s gums are pleased to hear this. Ann is looking absolutely lovely in a deep purple frock. They’ll be doing a photoshoot with a male subject, and Nigel will be shooting them.
They’re introduced to their partner in crime, who turns out to be Ross Mathews, better known as “Ross the Intern” from a late night talk show that is not to be named on this blog because its host is a total tool.
The girls scream and laugh as though they know who he is. To ANTM’s credit, they do not mention the Show That Must Not be Mentioned.
Raina insists that she knows who he is and that he’s hilarious. Well, then I’m not so sure that you know who he is, Raina. But she hesitantly adds that he is not the most handsome gentleman in the entire world. That, Raina, is exactly why it’s called a “challenge.”
Nigel will shoot the girls from the street below, and they will have to be with Ross as the hot couple in the window. Ann commands them to keep it “real.” Uh, isn’t Ross gay? If they keep it real, then Ross will be shoving them away with all of his might as they try desperately to claw their way past him to reality TV stardom.
They get five frames, and Jessica greets this news with a hilariously over-the-top look of shock. It’s as though he just told her that he is secretly in love with Ross Mathews. The winner of the challenge gets a mass of diamond jewelry from Jude Francis.
The girls get dolled up in lingerie, and Ross greets them with the gayest “HAAAAIIIIII!” of all time. This is gonna be ossom. Krista tries to get him to stop standing so effeminately, but it does not work, so she insults his breath.
Raina’s up next, and she tries to lay Ross down on the table to make with the sexy times, and it is awkward. He shouts that she was trying to ride him like a bull. I think you might mean a steer, Ross (hint: a bull is physically intact. A steer is… not).
Anslee gets pretty comfortable with Ross, and he excitedly tells her that he thinks they’re gonna do it. Dude, Ross’ high-pitched screaming must be so irritating.
Alasia is unremarkable.
Brenda does some weird squatty pose, and it is not attractive.
Angelea tells Ross that she wants to put one leg up. And she seriously hikes it all the way up to his shoulder. Nigel is aghast. He tells her, “I’m not taking a picture of your crotch!” But when she won’t change her pose, he does it anyway, saying, “Okay, here you go.”
Jessica is hardly wearing anything at all. Her grandma is probably in a coma after this. But she actually does well with the shoot, and Nigel seems impressed. She whips her hair around, and Ross calls her a pony.
Tatianna is wearing a tie, and she asks him to pull on it. I think she was trying to go for a playful look, but it just looks like she’s a dog and he’s taking her on a walk. A dog with an aggressive gumline, that is.
Alexandra has suspenders. She’s riding him like he’s a seesaw, and it is decidedly not sexy.
Ann starts by telling the girls that the shoot was hotter than anything ever seen in Seventeen magazine. Maybe that’s because you run a teen mag, Ann. That would be inappropriate, don’t you think?
Tatianna’s shoot was too contrived. Jessica’s aggression worked here. Anslee held her face up to high, but she had a demure quality that Nigel liked. Demure, Nigel? Really? She’s practically naked! Alexandra has great curves, but didn’t work them. Alexandra is disappointed by this news.
But there can only be one winner, and it’s Jessica. She’s shaking. She’s freaking out much more than she ought to.
Anslee is disappointed. And by “disappointed,” she means “sour grapes.” She felt that she and Ross had a better connection than he and Jessica did. May I remind you, Anslee, that Ross Mathews is gaaaaaaay? “I felt defeated,” she said. That’s because you were just defeated, honey. Get used to it.
Alasia, as the winner of the last challenge, also gets a diamond ring. She’s excited about it, and I’m glad she got something out of it.
Anslee calls her dad, and she’s crying before he even picks up the phone. She keeps talking about how she’s doing all of this for her family, husband, child, etc. Seems pretty clear to me that she’s really doing it for yourself. You wanna do what’s best for your child? Then don’t abandon her to become a model. Get a real job. Or if you’re going to pursue modeling, then go about it in a way that doesn’t require you to abandon your family for weeks on end.
Tyra Mail! “Tomorrow, you’re going to find out who’s fake and who keeps it real. Love, Tyra.”
The girls arrive in Chinatown, and the Jays pick over some knock-offs. Manuel berates Alexander for even considering a fake, and Alexander claims that Tyra’s birthday is coming up. Alexander haggles with the vendor, who then flashes his badge, causing Alexander to take off down the street.
“And scene,” announces Manuel. Really? That was staged? Wow, I would never have guessed.
Jay Manuel then gives the girls a short lecture on the evils of buying knock-offs. The fashion industry loses $9.7 billion a year due to counterfeit goods. That’s a pretty crazy number, I’ll admit. So today’s photoshoot is all about fake. The narc from the “scene” is actually D-Nice, the photographer.
The girls get some seriously crazy amazing hair and makeup, and I absolutely love it. Tatianna, on the other hand, is not feeling it, and it shows in her shoot. She can’t stop with the hands, which Jay says is a flashback from the first shoot. She talks about her disappointment, and I notice a bit of a lisp that she didn’t seem to have before. Oh, no, the gums are taking over! RUN!!
Alasia goes, and her poses seem good.
Raina has fake eyes painted onto her eyelids, and she uses them. Jay is impressed.
Jay tells Jessica that he wants extreme from her, and she rocks it out. She is absolutely amazing. Her crazy really works for her in this kind of photoshoot.
Krista is boring, but Jay likes the awkwardness. Her poses are oddly serene, given her crazy hair, makeup, and wardrobe.
Brenda is booooring. So sleepy in the face, this girl.
Anslee has crazy Lady Gaga hair, but her poses are pedestrian and boring. Jay says that she was just lost. She has absolutely no energy on set. Jay tells her she looks constipated, and she says, “To be honest, I had a rough morning.” Again with the excuses, Anslee? I guess if you’ve been making excuses your whole life, it’s hard to stop just because you got on a reality show.
Angelea does okay; her hair is great. She looks like a serious tranny, in the best way.
Jay tells Alexandra to go extreme, which she takes to mean, “pull the bag like it’s taffy.” Again and again and again. She falls flat.
That’s a wrap!
Tyra Mail: Eliminations!
Tatianna’s not worried. Alexandra is depressed, and Krista tries to cheer her up by telling her that a lot of plus-sized models get pushed out of the industry because they have trouble finding clothes that fit them. Alexandra tries to explain how she’s feeling, but Krista keeps interrupting.
Panel! Tyra’s looking more and more like a flashback from the 80s every week.
The guest judge is Pat Cleveland. Tyra calls her “legendary,” which is a fair assessment. She was a pretty amazing model back in the day. I can’t believe that the 80s are now considered “back in the day.” *sigh*
Tyra used to work with Pat, apparently. Meh.
Krista’s up first. Her picture’s good, but I don’t think it’s great. Her crazy blue contacts look amazing, though.
Brenda’s face is strong in her pic, but the pic as a whole doesn’t stand out to me.
Alexandra’s next, and her picture is boring. Pat says, “I know that there’s a lot you have to carry, here…” and I crack up laughing. These things just write themselves! ALT calls her eyelashes “double entendre” eyelashes. I’m beginning to doubt that he really understands French at all.
Tatianna looks bored in her pic. The judges are dissatisfied with her consistency. She generally has really boring film, with one shot that’s strong enough to put her in the middle of the pack. And her gums are trying to take over her face. I may just have added that last part myself.
Anslee’s hair is too slicked. Tyra wants it floofed with some height. Pat likes the pic, but her face is hidden. Tyra loves her face, and so does Nigel, but Nigel feels that she needs to work her angles a little better.
Angelea’s pic is pretty good. ALT raves, and declares that if he saw her on the street, then he would say to himself, “Oh, I must meet her!” Now, that’s a compliment. He tells her she’s got it goin’ aaawwwwwwn, with buck teeth and all kinds of ferocity.
Jessica’s photo is pretty great. Her body is amazing, and her hair is just nuts. Nigel says it’s full of energy, and it is.
Raina’s next, and her twisting torso works for her. Pat doesn’t like her face, though.
Alasia!! I give her exclamation points because her pose has such an amazing gamine quality that I love. But the judges don’t like that she’s looking down, so they feel like they’re losing her face.
Brenda is too cataloguey.
Alexandra has potential, but she doesn’t show any feeling.
Tatianna is a one-shot wonder, and it makes the judges nervous.
Anslee might just be a shoulder-up model.
Angelea is high fashion.
Jessica is flyin’ high, and brings us to another world.
Alasia is evoking a star, according to ALT.
Raina is lost, and ALT and Pat have a “high fashion” echo war.
The girls are called back in.
The winner is: Jessica. Snap, she won the challenge and the shoot! Good on you, girl.
The runner-up is Angelea. Angelea will take #2. For the first time, like, ever, I’m sure that Tatianna is thinking, “She said Number Two,” and is snickering to herself.
Alexandra and Tatianna are in the bottom. Alexandra has a body everybody wants. Really? But she doesn’t know how to work it. Tatianna just lucks into good photos. Tyra thinks she needs more than luck; she needs skill.
So who will stay and who will go? Alexandra is in.
Tatianna the Teeth are out! And there was much rejoicing.
Tatianna is disappointed, but she is happy with the experience she’s received. She’s sad to be leaving. And then her gums angrily shout, “Come ON, there’s a coroners’ conference somewhere we should be terrorizing!”
Tyra dedicates the episode to Alexander McQueen. Alexander McQueen was an amazing designer, and he deserves a better tribute than this episode.
Next week on ANTM: There will be fighting! And posing on the subway! fun times!
And now for my favorite part: RANKINGS!
As ecstatic that I am that Gummy McScaryteeth is out, even I have to confess that Alexandra’s picture was just the pits. It is so boring. I am already snoozy to begin with, but this picture practically put me out of my misery and shot me straight to LaLa Land.
I’m relatively happy with the eliminations so far. They make sense, and the people getting booted truly deserve it. That’s always exciting. And to finally be rid of Gummy Gummerson is a personal victory for me. Three cheers for good teeth!
I really didn’t get all the love for Anslee’s pic. She just looks so tired, here. You can’t see her face, and it looks like the camera just went off a moment too soon or something.
This picture is pretty, but there’s nothing all that remarkable about it to me. The hand playing with the hair seems a little out of place to me. But it’s decent, I suppose.
Okay, must admit that Brenda’s face is amazing in this photo. But I am inclined to think that this is mostly because she is spackled with all kinds of makeup here, so it’s covering up all of her wrinkles and liver spots. Her body is okay, I suppose.
This is a great picture of Angelea. She does a great job of looking entitled and snotty here, and the way she’s holding the purse with just one finger is pretty great. It’s a good picture, and definite progress on her portfolio.
The genius of this pose is in its simplicity. In looking like they’ve just caught her in a moment, it gives some nice movement to this shot. And I don’t really mind that she’s looking down. It looks very editorial.
Raina’s twisty torso is totally working for her here. She looks amazing. This is a pretty editorial shot, too.
This is a pretty darned good picture. There’s movement in it, every limb is perfectly placed, and her face doesn’t show the effort.