Posts Tagged ‘dreckitude’

America’s Next Top Model, C14E04 Recap: “America’s Next Top Vampire”

Shoo, boys. It’s ANTM Time.

A recap of last week’s ep: Simone won a challenge, Brenda struggled with her makeover, and Ren was clearly out of place and was SENT. HOME.

On to the show! On the way back from Eliminations, Brenda complains that she got the hardest dance last week. She blames her poor performance on her hair, saying that, when she had long hair, she was “definitely feminine and sexy.” Wow, think much of yourself?

They’re actually going to change her makeover because she’s not rocking it, as opposed to just giving her the boot. Oh, come on, Tyra. Just give her the boot!

Tyra Mail! I didn’t catch it, but the girls have to improvise something.

Dude, Simone goes to Duke! Duke must be SO embarrassed right now. She says she needs to work harder at modeling than she did at her studies, because she’s naturally a good student. She’s quite smug as she says this. Oh, Simone. Don’t be smug. It’s not a good look for you.

The girls enter a studio and Jay Alexander is there to greet them. He informs them that they’re going to take in a performance by the Upright Citizens’ Brigade. They’re an improv troupe. Jay explains that they perform “humor and thinking with the quickness.” Boy, it’s a good thing that Jay isn’t a member of an improv troupe.

Anslee struggles to relay to us how modeling and improv are related. She stutters and stammers and she is not going to do well in whatever’s coming up next.

JB Smoove, who’s been on “Curb Your Enthusiasm”, and explains the common improv exercise “Emotional Scenes” to the audience. Basically, the audience calls out a scene and then an emotion, and the actor has to perform the scene with whatever emotion the audience throws out at them.

Uh, don't you mean "smooth?"

One of the actors demonstrates by changing a baby’s diaper while angry. I am dubious as to the quality of the acting in this acting troupe because the improv was absolutely stupid.

The girls each get to do an improv, and Brenda goes first. She says she’s looking forward to just having fun. She’s supposed to be changing a tractor tire, and she’s shocked. Oh, it’s so bad. She’s just swinging her arms about with her jaw dropped.

Alasia mimes delighted scuba diving. She gets lots of laughs, but JB and Jay didn’t think that she did any actual scuba diving. Uh, guys? You know it’s just improv, right?

Simone depressedly rides a horse. She just looks bored.

Anslee pantomimes the paranoid washing of a Ferrari. She looks more disgusted than paranoid. Angelea delights in Anslee’s failure. Somehow, I doubt that Angelea did better.

We’re thankfully spared the sight of the other girls “improvs,” and the girls head home.

The girls return home to see Alasia’s best picture up in the house as “digital art.” Anslee says she feels like Alasia doesn’t deserve to be there because she doesn’t have enough emotional control. Uh, judging by the way you were screaming at Ren last week, I’m guessing that you don’t deserve to be there because you don’t have enough emotional control. Because we all know that that’s what this competition is really all about.

Tyra Mail! “Tomorrow you are really going to blow up.” Are they going to dress up in fat suits?

Sally Hershberger is back. Krista says they all knows she’s here to fix Brenda’s hair.

Sally admonishes Brenda for not working the hair, so she has to “edge it out.” Brenda asks if it’s going to be shaved out and Sally replies with a mysterious “maybe.” Hey, Brenda, you’re the one who opened that door. You should know better than to tempt Tyra.

Sally grabs the clippers and goes to town on Brenda’s head. She shaves the sides of her head down. It is “edgier,” I suppose.

Angelea makes no effort to hide her delight at Brenda’s discomfort in her haircut. Sally comments that she likes that it looks like she did it herself. Tyra, you could’ve saved a few bucks and just made Brenda do it herself.

Brenda says it’s so not her style. That is true. The haircut is edgy. Brenda is not.

The girls pull up to Times Square in the limo. There are tons of people milling about. Dania Ramirez shows up on a big screen. She was on “Heroes.” Oh, man, I hated her character. She’s part of the reason that I stopped watching that show. What a lame storyline.

Superpower: puttin' me to sleep.

Dania says that she is so excited to let Times Square know that she’s the new face of Cover Girl Clean. She continues to babble about the makeup line and I wonder how she has a career as an actress.

And, SURPRISE (but not really)!! She’s there in Times Square. The girls cheer dutifully.

Dania explains that, in the past, Cover Girl commercials on the show were always about memorizing scripts. But what Cover Girl really wants is for the girls’ personality to shine through. “Delivering lines is the easy part,” Dania claims. Snort. Obviously, she’s never watched the Cover Girl portion of ANTM. If delivering lines is the least of their problems, then they should all be hoboes by now.

They each have to do a thirty-second commercial for Cover Girl Clean. The lines will all be in voiceover. Instead, they have to “embody the Cover Girl vibe” with actions. Dania urges them to stay true to who they are. Do people who talk like that ever really know what they mean?

The girl whom Dania decides did the best will be featured in an advertorial for Seventeen and on CoverGirl.com. Thousands of people will see them because it will be broadcast live on the Jumbotron that Dania was on earlier.

Alasia is nervous. Krista is ready and pumped to let her personality shine. I am actually starting to like her more.

The girls have to do their own makeup. Oookay. Do they make Drew Barrymore and Queen Latifah do their own makeup, too?

Simone is disappointed that there’s no dialogue. That would have been her strong suit, so she doesn’t have an advantage against the other girls now. Ms. Duke University claims that modeling isn’t as clearcut as writing a paper, which she claims she can bust out in five hours.

Let that be a lesson to us all: STAY IN SCHOOL, STUPID.

Anslee is up first. Boring. Dania would be proud.

Tatianna says she’s going to bring something different. She flips her hair and shimmys and does some weird shivering and the people in Times Square cheer for her.

Brenda smiles uncomfortably. She’s quite awkward.

We see random shots of the girls. I’m just thankful that they’re not dragging it out.

Dania starts by saying that they’re all holding back. She encourages them to go all the way. Her inspirational speech is unconvincing.

Anslee was aloof. Dania wanted her to be more inviting. Anslee blames it on not hearing Dania clearly when she was explaining the challenge in Times Square. Oh, baloney. If she was confused about it, she should have asked when they got back to hair and makeup.

Brenda kept posing like it was a photoshoot.

Simone was holding back. Can’t you be more specific, Dania? Vague criticism is worthless.

Tatianna did a good job of showing her personality. Dania says, “But the winner is…” And it’s Tatianna. Wow, way to throw us off the trail, Dania. That makes the show better. She tells Tatianna, “I feel like I know you.” Uh… okay.

Tatianna’s excited. “Finally, I get some good criticism!” Aww, enjoy it, Tatianna. I’m sure you and your teeth won’t be around that much longer.

Back at the house, Anslee’s annoyed because Alasia has left a container of peas and corn to defrost on the counter. She tells Alasia that it belongs in the fridge. When Alasia explains that she’s just defrosting it, Anslee sarcastically says, “Then why does it say, ‘keep refrigerated’ on it?”

Alasia takes offense at Anslee’s tone. Surprisingly, she doesn’t just lay into Anslee. Anslee’s actually the one who picks a fight with Alasia. Boy, for someone who always talks self-righteously about how everyone else is soooo much less mature than she is because they didn’t get knocked up at nineteen, she sure does love to shout.

Ooooh, and then Alasia pulls the daughter card, and Anslee goes absolutely ballistic.

Angelea stands by, just watching, sporting Ugly Headwrap #9.

Krista hears the shouting and breaks it up because she’s “sleepy as hell.” Hee.

Anslee rages, “Don’t tell me what it is to be a woman because you’re just beginning to figure it out.” Listen, honey, having a kid does force you to grow up faster, but that doesn’t mean you’re mature. Allow me to point out that you were the one who picked a fight with this eighteen-year-old kid that you seem to despise so much.

Tyra Mail! “Tomorrow, beware of the no-neck monster.” It’s a photoshoot!

Jessica tries to guess what the No-Neck Monster photoshoot is going to be and says, “Of course it’s gonna be snakes.” HUH?? Because snakes don’t have necks? Oh, boy.

The girls walk into the photoshoot and there’s a dude in the tub and he’s made up to look like he’s dead.

Then, Jay Manuel sneaks up behind them dressed like an extra from The Matrix. Krista says that the girls were so startled that they almost peed in their pants. He removes his sunglasses to reveal that he’s wearing vampire makeup with contacts. He actually looks pretty scary. Except that there’s no glitter. The vampires that scare me the most sparkle and they don’t suck your blood, they suck your literary taste right out of your head! Scary!!!

I don't remember seeing any vampires in here.

CJ, the guy in the tub, is a model and will assist in their vampire shoot. They’ll all be “blind as a bat” because they’re wearing white-out contact lenses.

Brenda’s never put anything in her eye and says that this shoot keeps getting harder and harder. And they haven’t even gone into hair and makeup, yet.

Jay takes them on set and they’re pouring blood into the tub. He explains that they’ll be in the blood during the photoshoot. Krista’s incredulous look as he explains this is priceless.

Some of the girls are freaking out, and Tatianna proudly announces that she’s not scared because she works for a mortician.

Girls, you know it’s not real blood, right?

Angelea talks about putting in the contacts, and she says that she “just got them in like BADAM!” Hee.

She gets to set and is introduced to CJ, and greets him with a “Hi, boo.” They help her into the tub and commence the photoshoot.

Alasia has a lot of energy on set, and Jay says she looks great.

A bunch of girls are watching, and as they discuss Alasia’s performance, Alexandra burps in the other girls’ faces. That is disgusting. I was once driving down a mountain with a friend who was getting carsick. I tried to keep her mind off things by singing the entire soundtrack from The Sound of Music to her. She then turned to me and burped. Right in my face. After we’d had hot dogs for lunch.

The hills are alive with the smell of hot dogs...

Don’t ever burp in people’s faces, y’all. That’s just gross.

Alexandra works her body during the shoot, and Jay approves.

Jay urges Krista to use her ballet training from last week.

Jessica looks like she’s just sitting there, blind.

Brenda’s shoot is a mess. She drops the contact, and Anslee ends up having to put it in for her. Brenda is freaking out and she cries about it, even after she gets the contact in.

Anslee smugly informs us that Brenda “is a mother, but right now, she’s a baby.”

Jay gives her a little pep talk before she goes in. CJ takes her hand when she comes on set and Brenda says that she feels like “a romance started up right then.” Uh-oh. She’s totally going to go all Fatal Attraction on him. Next thing he knows, she’s going to show up at his place, all, “But I looooove you!” and boiling his pets.

But I LOOOOOOOOOVE you!!

Tatianna gets all up in the blood. She works for a mortician so she’s not squeamish. She licks the blood off her finger to prove this. I wouldn’t be so quick to do that if I were you, Tatianna. High fructose corn syrup actually is bad for you.

Raina does well, as usual.

Anslee’s shoot is too romance novelly, according to Jay. But she thinks she did ossom. She thinks Jay was completely pleased. She thinks he was very impressed with her today. And everyone knows that your own good opinion matters more than what the judges think!

Jay warns Simone that her performance last week was lackluster, so she really needs to turn it out if she wants to stick around. Simone is holding way too much back. Jay and the photographer encourage her to just let go, and she does much better after she does.

Back home, Brenda complains about the contacts. Good God, she’s the new Ren. She’s bRenda.

Tyra Mail! Eliminations!

The girls shoot worried glances at each other.

Anslee thinks she did ossom. She says that she doesn’t care how the other girls did because she’s only here for her own dreams. Uh, oh, and her husband and child.

Simone confessionals that she’s nervous. Brenda’s nervous, too, because of her panic attack. She says, “God, please, please, please help me get a good photo tomorrow.” As she says this, she rolls her eyes back into her head and hilariously looks just like she did when she was wearing those contacts she had so much trouble with. HA!!

Panel! Tyra is wearing an awful purple pantsuit. It’s hideous. But her slicked-back hair and silver earrings are gorgeous.

We meet our judges. The guest judge is Dania Ramirez. Blah. She is beyond boring.

Tatianna is up first. She was our challenge winner. Hey, that reminds me: how come Alasia didn’t get a prize for her first-place pic last night?

Tatianna’s shot. Nigel feels the angst/tension. Dania says she has attitude. ALT loves the drama and says she gives a good drama. And then we’re treated to a close-up and, OH, GOD, her teeth are awful. I shudder.

Jessica. ALT takes one look at her military jacket, calls her a bandleader and makes her take off her jacket. He says that her pose is cliché, and it’s our French Word of the Day!

Alasia. ALT loves the photo. She’s telling a story. Her legs and arms are ossom. She’s happy with her pic, and she should be — it’s amazing.

Simone. ALT quips that that’s how a black girl gets out of the tub; it’s a hair thing. Hey, don’t look at me; those are ALT’s words, not mine. It’s an ungainly picture. She’s like a mannequin, all stiff and posed. Ooh, that might be her death knell that we’re hearing.

Angelea. Nigel wishes that her head was even more thrown back in the picture. The foot out of the tub is awful. She gets awarded the title of “dreckitude” from ALT. And she has earned it.

Krista. She’s almost levitating, but her face looks tense. Tyra says she’s doing an “I smell dookie” face.

Raina is fighting for her life in the picture. Hasn’t she lost it already, if she’s a vampire? The pic is good, but I don’t think it’s anything particularly special.

Alexandra. ALT feels vampire romance. That’s a bad thing to some people, ALT. Nigel is concerned with her versatility.

The judges love Brenda’s edgier hair. She does a few awkward twirls and poses to try to convince the judges that she’s into it. FAIL. They love her picture, though. Tyra feels like Brenda wants to bite her, and ALT hates her legs, but loves her hands.

Anslee busts out a fake English accent, and they make her tuck up her sleeves because her shirt is ugly. Anslee is in full brown-nosing mode and whines to the judges that she only wears the shirt for the back of it, anyway. They ask her to turn around, and, oh, my. The back of the shirt is all ripped up. It’s dreckitude on an Alasia’s-silver-swimsuit-level.

Dania doesn’t pick up on Anslee’s butt-kissing, and says that Anslee has so much more personality than they thought. She asks why Anslee didn’t show this during her Cover Girl challenge. Anslee protests that she couldn’t hear Dania in times square. I know it isn’t Smell-o-Vision, but I’m certain that I can smell the waves of desperation rolling off of her.

Her pic is blah. Tyra calls her to task for grabbing the front of the tub. Anslee immediately protests that the people on set were telling her to do that. Nigel calls her on blaming others for her mistakes and tells her that she has to take control of her own success.

Deliberations.

They love Tatianna’s emotional range. Dania says she was the only one to pay atention. Tyra loves how Tatianna looks like she’s inhaling.
Jessica. ALT thinks she’s super-boring, and I agree. Tyra thinks her picture is okay, though.
Alasia. Her pic is sexy. Tyra says that her pose should say “skank,” but it doesn’t.
Brenda. It’s okay. I’d say it’s in the middle of the pack.
Angelea. ALT calls her “Dreckitude with the head back.”
Krista. Dania says that she doesn’t buy Krista as a model. That’s rich, coming from an actress. What is she even doing here?
Anslee. She just makes excuses. Nigel says, “Don’t make excuses, get it right.” They actually like the male model in the pic. When they’re talking about the other model in the pic instead of you, then you know the pic is bad. Nigel says it looks like he’s asking, “What are you doing holding on to the front of the tub?”
Raina. Tyra says she looks hungry. I’m guessing that’s because she’s a model and probably hasn’t eaten in a very long time. ZING!
Simone. Nigel says that she looks boyish; the pic looks like it’s boy-on-boy. Guess we should start calling her “Simon.” Not that she’s going to make it past this episode, though.
Alexandra. She does the same pose a lot. Tyra says it could be a signature pose, but Nigel protests that this is only her fourth shoot; how could she already have a signature pose? They ask ALT what his signature pose is. ALT’s signature pose consists of him leaning his elbow on the table and propping up his head with his hand, thus making him look like he’s paying attention, and also tightening the skin around his eyes. Oh, ALT. You are a delight.

The judges have come to a decision.

Best picture of the week: who’s the winner?

It’s Alasia. Two weeks in a row, and deservedly so. “Snap!” she says happily.

The runner up is Raina. I’m sure she’s not happy about coming in second to Alasia.

Tatianna
Brenda
Alexandra
Angelea
, who’s always so morose at panel. What’s up with that?
Jessica
Krista

Simone and Anslee step forward. Hmm, I like Simone better, but actually think that Anslee takes better pictures. In any case, I’m sure neither is sticking around for much longer.

Anslee has amazing bone structure, but her photos are falling flat and the judges do. Not. Like. Excuses. For once, I agree with the judges. It’s just bad form.

Simone has strong potential and they tell her to push, but it doesn’t come across in her photos. She’s stuck inside herself and can’t show on the outside what she feels on the inside.

But who will still be in the running to become America’s Next Top Model?

Anslee’s in. Meh. Mama Tyra coaches her in why she really fell flat: because of her own failures.

Tyra says Simone needs to do some testing and study her film. Simone stands on the catwalk, turns and waves goodbye to the girls, and walks out. The girls look at each other, like, “Huh? I though we was cool.”

Simone is calm and composed as she prepares to leave, and I actually kinda respect her for it.

Next week: Jessica gets too close to Nigel. Anslee’s caught between modeling and family. Bo-ring. I can’t decide if this season has just been boring or if I’m finally just getting sick of this show.

At any rate: pictures! Ranking pix never gets old for me.

10. Angelea

America's Next Top Model

Uh... a little help?

This picture is boring AND awkward. Way to multitask, Angelea! I think it looks like she slipped and fell in and he’s trying to help her out, but she’s having a mild seizure that’s causing her eyes to roll back into her head. If she weren’t so slack-jawed in this photo, that would probably help.

9. Simone

America's Next Top Model

Light as a feather, stiff as a board.

Poor, pretty Simone. She’s a beautiful girl, but she is not a model. Ladies, if you’re out there and you’re in a good school, heed my words: it is NEVER a good idea to abandon your education to be on ANTM. If you were able to get into school in the first place, chances are that you can be so much better than this show.

Simone will, at best, become an Old Navy Supermodelquin.

8. Anslee

America's Next Top Model

I don't see nothin' wrong...

This is the saddest bump-and-grind I’ve ever seen. What makes this picture so bad is that her face and body SO don’t go together. And her face is super-boring to top everything else off.

7. Krista

America's Next Top Model

Oh, CJ, you're soooooo funny!

Oh, Krista. She looks like she’s just cackling in glee at something CJ just said. Why she’s levitating isn’t really clear — I still don’t quite understand how she’s even holding that position.. But it’s funny. And he looks like he’s laughing, too.

6. Tatianna

America's Next Top Model

I vant to suck your blood!

Of all the girls, Tatianna was the most vampiric, in my opinion. But only because of her God-awful, jacked-up teeth. How many times do I have to tell you, Tatianna? Keep those misshapen puppies contained at all times. Other than that, her pose is decent, but otherwise uninspired.

5. Brenda

America's Next Top Model

Is she rocking the haircut, or is it rocking her?

Brenda’s face is actually really good in this shot. And I agree with ALT that the synergy of hands is good. But I also agree with ALT that the legs are just awful. If they cut that out of the shot, it would be good.

And Brenda’s modified makeover is edgier, but I still don’t think she can carry it off. Just because you have an edgy haircut doesn’t make you edgy.

4. Alexandra

America's Next Top Model

Meh. As usual.

This picture is boring, but at least it isn’t ugly. That’s really all I have to say about it.

3. Jessica

America's Next Top Model

Cliché?

So, the judges said that Jessica’s picture was clichéd, but I didn’t agree. Her pose is interesting, and I can see movement here. Her face is a little boring, though, so she’s not in the two spot.

2. Raina

America's Next Top Model

I gotta get outta here!

Raina’s picture looks a lot to me like Angelea’s… done right, though. Whereas Angelea’s just sitting there, Raina’s working the angles, making it interesting. I wasn’t as huge a fan of the face as the judges were, but it’s still one of the better pictures in the bunch.

1. Alasia

America's Next Top Model

Eat your heart out, Bella Swan.

Girlfriend has been rocking it out since last week. This pic is amazing. She’s working all of her angles, finding the light, giving neck, and remembering to point her toes with all of that, too. I think Tyra would agree that this is modeling H2T.

What did you think?

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America’s Next Top Model, C14E03 Recap: “Let’s Dance”

I totally forgot that there might be DUDES who read this site, so I’ll just say right now: READ AHEAD AT YOUR OWN PERIL. IT’S GIRLY TIMES UP AHEAD.

Ahem. Recaps!

We had a nudie shoot, Gabrielle gets the boot, Alasia and Ren throw down, there’s a windy and watery fragrance shoot, and Naduah gets the boot. WHEW!!

We open on the girls returning to the house and Raina grins when she sees her winning pic “displayed as digital art” in the house.

Brenda complains about her hair AGAIN and now I know who she reminds me of. She totally reminds me of a ginger Laura Ingalls.

Oh, Pa, but I wanna be a Top Model!

I think that Melissa Gilbert has since gotten her teeth fixed. Brenda, on the other hand, has not.

See? I told you. Except that Melissa Gilbert looks a little younger. Oh, relax, I keed, I keed.

Brenda implies that her daughter will not recognize her because of her “drastic makeover,” and I laugh heartily at the ridiculousness of such a premise. But Brenda obviously thinks it’s true, so: was it worth it, Brenda? Was it worth it?

Renona Whiner confesses that she thought she was going to be eliminated at the last panel. She says that she would normally have quit after feeling like that, and I’m agog. So, basically, you’re saying that you would have quit if they booted you, but since they didn’t boot you, you’re going to stay. As always on ANTM, I’m astounded by the logic, here.

Our Renona has mommy issues. SURPRISE!! She says that her mother was never nice to her, except in the week before she came to the house. She claims that her mother prefers her brother because he’s an “all-american jockey type.” Your brother is super-short and thin and rides horses? No wonder Mommy loves him more! Jockeys make bank, yo.

She also complains about living in the house once again. I’m just glad that I don’t live there — with Ren.

Tyra Mail! “Your fashion knowledge can really take you places… or maybe not. Loooove, Tyraaaaa!!!” I may have exaggerated that last part just a little bit. But if you watch the show, then you know: not really.

Before we find out where they’re going, Simone informs us that she gave up school to participate in the show. I’m sure she’ll never regret that decision.

The girls are introduced to the FAB BUS. The bus looks like a lot more fun than a limo, because there’s room in it to dance around! Raina dances awkwardly and I take back what I said about the Fab Bus.

Toccara from Cycle 3 magically appears. Alexandra is happy because, for once, she’s not the biggest girl in the room. They’re playing a game in which they have to answer questions about the fashion industry. Toccara splits them into two teams: Red and Blue.

Anslee is on the Red Team and complains about “getting stuck with some duds.” You’d be hard-pressed not to get stuck with some duds as long as the teams are made up of ANTM contestants, honey.

(Psst! That includes you!)

Toccara explains the game. First team to get five questions correct will go on a go-see at the headquarters of Bluefly.com. Toccara then proceeds to rattle off a commercial for Bluefly, and the show adds in a game show applause track, which is pretty hilarious. Each member of the winning team gets $500. But the winner of the go-see gets a $2,500 gift card and will be featured in Bluefly’s spring campaign. Dude, can I participate? I wants me some free goods.

Still "big, black, beautiful, and loving it!" *snap* *snap*

Raina, who got best picture last week, automatically gets to go on the go-see, and doesn’t have to participate in the game.

Let’s get it started!

The girls quiz away. All of the questions are multiple choice, thank God. Can you imagine how many times they’d have to drive around the block at Bluefly Headquarters while they waited for girls to come up with the right answers? Hoo.

Simone is thinking they’re gonna lose because her team is down 3-0, but then she turns the tide of the game by getting an answer right and, before you know it, the score’s tied at 4. Sudden death!!

Simone and Brenda go head-to-head on a question, and Simone buzzes in first! She gets the answer right (it was Heidi Klum. Because, when it comes to modeling, Heidi Klum is always the right answer)! Blue team wins!

You're in! I mean, "right!" You're right! Auf wiedersehen!

Brenda’s team is mad at her, which is kinda understandable, since it was a pretty easy question. But she’s determined not to be too disappointed. Anslee, on the other hand, is madder’n a pig in a poke, and she predicts that she and Brenda will have problems as a result. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but if the other team had a total of five points, doesn’t that mean that a few other people got questions wrong, too? Let’s hate them all equally, Anslee. That’s only fair.

Simone and her team are super-excited, and they show up to Bluefly’s headquarters with Raina in tow. Raina really wants to win the go-see, and she walks into hers with a goofy smile.

Jessica’s next, and they think she’s too skinny. Am I really hearing this? Wow. Could it be that the fashion industry is actually changing?

Ahahahahaha, of course not. And even if the industry were changing, I highly doubt we’d get our first inkling of that through ANTM.

In the meantime, the losing team gets a punishment: they have to help log Bluefly’s inventory. They go to the back room, where all the inventory is in what the copy editor calls “The Cage.” I think they should be more accurate and call it “The Fenced-in Area.”

Back to the go-sees. They like Angelea’s personality. That confuses me, but I don’t even have time to say, “HUH??” before they ask her to “sell” the outfit that she’s wearing. She busts out a bunch of awkward poses and the judges give each other confused looks. I laugh unreservedly.

The ladies say that they like Alexandra’s face and she’d be perfect for “beauty shots,” which basically means that they think she’s a fatty.

Renona Whiner again weighs the question of sanity and happiness vs. modeling. DUDE, just leave already. For the sake of MY sanity and happiness.

The ladies love Simone. Their only concern is that her shoulders are a little athletic, which I actually kinda love.

They also like Krista. They can tell that she loves what she does.

But THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!! The winner is Simone. Good for you, girl.

Jessica plays the sore loser and snits that Simone is pageanty, which I find ironic, given that Jessica’s biggest critique is that she is too pageanty.

Ren and Brenda announce that they’re going to bed and that this means that everyone in their room has to go to bed. The other girls do not take kindly to this bossing and Krista calls her “Gepetto,” and it’s actually hilarious.

The Puppetmaster

Some of the girls wander into the other room for the express purpose of complaining about Brenda. One of them says that she looks like Miranda from “Sex and the City”, and the others laugh as though that were a really scathing insult. The heck??

Because if you looked like this woman, then life just wouldn't be worth living. *eye roll*

Then someone else tries, and goes for Chucky. A little better, I suppose.

A little closer, but still not particularly burnalicious.

Come on, people, if you want really hideous, try Clay Aiken!

Now, that's truly horrifying.

Renona Whiner claims that she just “can’t put up with this.” So she takes the high road — and tattles to Brenda. It stands mentioning that she was sitting in that room, listening to them gossip for the entire conversation. No wonder Mom likes your brother better.

Brenda, of course, is hurt — not because they’re insulting her, but because they insulted her makeover, which, to Brenda, is tantamount to “laughing in Tyra’s face.” Even after all the ridiculousness I’ve come to expect from this show, that statement still made me roll my eyes.

So she goes to confront the girls. Oh, excuse me, did I say “confront”? I mean to say “gossip about”. She claims to the girls in the kitchen about the other girls’ behavior, telling them that the other girls said that she was “ugly” (Brenda’s emphasis there) because of her haircut.

When Anslee says that she didn’t think that the other girls called her ugly, Brenda haughtily interrupts her, asking, “Were you in the room?” I will respond to your question with your own question and ask, “Were you in the room?” Because she totally wasn’t; she heard this from Ren. I’m actually quite shocked that no one else said that. Come on, people! It’s like shooting fish in a barrel!!

Oh, and did I mention that Brenda’s wearing the ugliest beanie ever knitted? That’s Ugly Headgear #7 for the series. She looks like a twelve-year-old chemo patient. If she really wants to be a model, maybe she should just call the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

So, anyway, Brenda and Anslee throw down. It’s nowhere on the level of Alasia’s screaming fits. She could show them a thing or two about stirring up drama in the house.

Hey, that reminds me: we haven’t seen her at all this episode. Could it be that she’s learned something about getting along with the other girls since the last ep?

Ahahahaha, of course not. I’m sure well see evidence of that soon enough.

In the morning, Anslee apologizes for waking people up with her yelling. She seems quite smug. I’m guessing she won the fight. Not hard to do, since most of Brenda’s comebacks probably amounted to “Oh, yeah?” and “Well… well… FINE!!”

Renona complains AGAIN and claims that she wants her quiet life back. THEN QUIT, REN. Seriously.

Tyra Mail!! “Top models always need to be in step.” Ooh, what in the world could that mean? Seriously, though, they’ve done a much better job of making Tyra Mail more enigmatic this cycle.

The girls arrive at a dance studio and are greeted by Jay Manuel. He asks them what their inspiration is, and we hear the standard answers: “my child” “my parents” “a cheeseburger” (that one was either me or Alexandra; I can’t remember).

Well, it turns out that today’s photoshoot is portraying dance. Which really has absolutely nothing to do with Jay’s question. Nice one, Jay.

Brenda says that she can only dance when she gets a little tipsy at the club. Correction, Brenda: you only think you can dance when you get a little tipsy at the club. I’m sure it just looks like a slow-mo version of the usual awkwardness.

Troy Powell is their coach. He danced for the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theatre for ten years, which means that he must actually be pretty ossom. The girls will each be representing a different genre of dance, and Troy will teach them some moves and positions.

Vincent Oquendo is the makeup artist. What the heck happened to Sutan? Did he do something to provoke the wrath of Tyra?

Sutan with some of the models from Cycle 9 (clockwise from top left: Saleisha, Bianca, Chantal, Jenah)

Up first is Anslee, representing rhythmic dance. I always thought it was “rhythmic gymnastics,” which totally reminds me of Get in Shape, Girl!

Ahh, the 80s. It was… an ugly time.

And, OOH, SHENANIGANS!!! I totally just did, like, two minutes of internet research, and all of it is telling me that what we’re seeing Anslee doing isn’t rhythmic dance at all: it’s rhythmic gymnastics, just like I thought! Take that, show!!

But back to things that people other than I care about: Jay says Anslee’s lookin’ pretty (and you totally know he dropped that “g”), but missed the model flow. Maybe because you didn’t give her a real dance to do, show.

Jessica has salsa, and she keeps moving frenetically. It is not pretty.

Angelea is moshing. She gives a lot of angry faces and Jay asks if moshing is all about anger. Angelea replies that it’s also about pain, and, after that, her shoot goes a lot better.

Tatianna is tap, and her outfit is awful — hot pants cut to make her hips look larger than Alexandra’s.

Renona Whiner complains some more. PLEASE. PLEASE eliminate her.

Ren is disco. Jay confesses that, when he first saw her, he immediately thought she was a model. But every week she’s less inspired, and he thinks that the judges will eventually tire of her look and see through to whether or not she had talent or not. She is awfully boring on film. Even Angelea is easier to look at.

Alexandra is breakdancing, and she channels Run DMC. As though she’s ever heard of them, aside from possibly watching “Run’s House” on MTV.

Raina is jazz, and she does great. That’s nothing new, so: moving on.

Brenda proudly dons Ugly Headwrap #8!! One girl wearing ugly headgear twice and getting into a fight all in the same show? That’s gotta be some sort of record.

She has African dance. Her energy is way low, and Jay calls her on it. Anslee gloats openly at Brenda’s struggling. She’s trying to jump on a trampoline to get some action shots, but she’s not getting the count right. Hee, she can’t even jump correctly!

Krista has ballet. Her moves are, shall we say, less than graceful.

Simone is hip-hop. Jay says that she’s a little too studied and her face is vacant. Simone is disappointed with her shoot, and cries beautifully.

Alasia has interpretive dance. I’m sure that I’m not alone in expecting her to fall flat on her face, but she KNOCKS. IT. OUT. Jay is all praise and wonder, and she’s excited about it because she’s finally getting something besides snorting laughs and disappointment in reaction to her photoshoot.

Tyra Mail. Eliminations!

Ren complains as usual about “missing her life.” The girls finally can’t take any more of her crap and ask her: if she could be anywhere in the world, where would she want to be?

When she can’t answer right away, one of the girls asks if she’s going to cry, which send some of the other girls into gales of laughter. It’s actually quite cruel, the way they’re blatantly taking pleasure in her hurt. Granted, she is annoying, but she’s still a human being, people. It’s one thing for her to cry about something stupid; it’s another thing altogether to make her cry because you know she’s an easy target.

That said, she’s still ridiculous, and I hope to God she gets the boot.

Panel! We are re-introduced to the judges. Sean Patterson, president of Wilhelmina Models, is the guest judge. I find this a little odd, as he was not featured in the episode at all.

On to the photos!

Jessica is first up. Her salsa pic had no emotion, and not enough fashion in it. ALT tells her she’s patently gauche (it means awkward. That’s okay; I had to look it up, too. I’m learning so much more French since ALT joined the judging panel!)

Raina is jazz, and all the judges rave. It is a pretty good pic.

Anslee had rhythmic gymnastics (I won’t call it something it’s not, show), and her picture is too “conscious.”

Simone is also patently gauche, but in a good way, according to ALT. Tyra doesn’t like her picture, though. She thinks it’s too safe, and I actually agree with Tyra, for once. Tyra advises Simone to find a moment. Simone nods, but I’m sure she has no clue what that’s supposed to mean.

Tatianna’s legs are looking NARSTY in her tap dance pic. Yikes, does she ever look awkward. Nigel says that it’s a dynamite close-up, though. That’s because her mouth is closed, Nigel. But Tyra informs her that the rest of her film was a disaster, and she just lucked into a good shot.

Brenda came to panel dressed like a mom. ALT calls her “dreckitude,” a word that is working its way into everyday speech at an alarming pace. The judges keep talking to her about her age and how she needs to be mindful of how much of an old hag she is. Well, maybe they didn’t say it in those words, but you and I know what they meant. As for her African dance picture, Sean Patterson says it reminds him of an “SNL” skit, in that it looks like a farce. Anslee doesn’t bother to hide her mirth at hearing this.

Alasia is next, and ALT “ooh, child“s her, and tells her to take off her jacket. That turns out to be a huge mistake because girlfriend is wearing a skimpy, silver swimsuit underneath. The judges are agog with disgust. But they rave unanimously about her interpretive dance photo. Sean Patterson quips that her photo is as good as her outfit is bad. Nice one, Sean!

Alexandra had breakdancing, and the judges agree that her pic is amazing, except for her necklessness. Krista smugly points that out immediately.

Angelea’s moshing photo is also amazing. Even I have to admit it. But somehow, she doesn’t seem pleased, as she refuses to smile throughout the duration of panel.

Krista had ballet. Her neck is great. And Tyra says that her awkward hands make the shot “fashion.”

Ren did disco, and the photo’s “not fashion,” according to ALT. Ren complains about the “drama” in the house. Sean Patterson actually gives her some sage advice, telling her that she’s going to have to leave any personal stuff off set if she wants to be a successful model. They ask her if she wants to stay or go. Tension! And, then: commercial!

And we’re back, and where were we? Oh, yeah: tension! Will she stay or will she go? Aww, she says she wants to stay. Wuss.

The judges dismiss the girls as they deliberate.

Jessica: Her pic is okay, but too obvious. She wasn’t convincing, and the judges wanted to be convinced.
Anslee: She has no imagination. She had energy, but her body awareness was bad in this shoot. I’m going to give her a pass, though, because it’s not her fault that she got a bogus dance to do.
Simone: She seems confused. Nigel claims that he loves hip-hop, which makes me guffaw, and that what Simone was doing was not hip-hop. I try to imagine Nigel krumping, and am unsuccessful in my endeavor.
Alexandra: She has confidence. I think they’re confusing a competitive streak borne of bad body image with confidence.
Tatianna: ALT proclaims her dreckitude. I don’t get it; is it an adjective or a noun? Because I think he’s been using it both ways. In either case, I agree: Tatianna is dreckitude, especially when she bares those fangs of hers.
Krista: Her face is beautiful.
Angelea: The judges think it’s a “wow” shot.
Ren: Her pic is a mess. Will they boot her? Come on, boot her!
Brenda: ALT announces that she is the Dreckitude Winner of the Week. Um, yay? Her picture has no edge.
Raina: They love her pic; it’s high-fashion.
Alasia: Her photo is gorgeous — it is pretty amazing. But she’s only gorgeous in the photo; in person, she’s a wreck. A dreck wreck, André?

The Dreck Awards have been given, and the judges have made a decision.

The Spiel. Who’s this week’s winner?

It’s Alasia. She wins on a day in which she looks like absolute crap at panel. Good for her. The picture is gorgeous.

Next up:
Angelea, who finally cracks a smile for the first time all panel.
Jessica
Alexandra
Krista

There’s weird electronica elimination music this week. It is quite strange.
Raina Wait a minute, they called Jessica before Raina? If I recall correctly, they had complaints about Jessica’s picture and nothing but raves about Raina’s. Shenanigans!! SHENANIGANS!!
Tatianna
Simone
Anslee

Ren and Brenda step forward. Tyra whispers, “Two beautiful young ladies stand before me, but I only have one photo in my hands.” Hahaha, oh, Tyra. It stops being dramatic after fourteen cycles, you know.

Tyra looks at Ren and says that she’s doing it for the wrong reasons. Ren actually nods at this, and Tyra calls her on it. Cornered, Ren panics and babbles that she’s only doing this to get Mommy’s attention. Tyra asks her if she really wants this, and Ren says that she likes modeling…

What’s that noise? Oh, it’s the final nail in Ren’s coffin. Brenda’s still in the running to become America’s Next Top Model, and that’s actually as it should be.

See ya, REN!! And good riddance! Tyra encourages her to communicate her unhappiness with her mother. The other girls are practically grinning in their glee.

Ren waves a half-hearted goodbye to the girls, and hugs no one. None of the girls seem to much care. Good riddance, I say. Smell you later, Renona Whiner!!

That reminds me, KTLA 5, the local CW station, totally ran a news teaser that they’d have a morning interview with the latest model to get the boot on ANTM, and then they totally showed a clip of Ren. This was about fifteen minutes before the end of the ep. And you didn’t spoiler-warn me, you punks!! Boo on you, KTLA. BOO on YOU!!

But I digress.

Next week on ANTM: jumping and falling? I have no idea what they’re supposed to be doing. There’s going to be a Cover Girl challenge in Time Square. It looks like they’ll be doing a live commercial there. Ooh, that’s going to be just delicious. They’re also going to do a vampire shoot. I demand to know where all the glitter is. Stephanie Meyer told me that vampires are supposed to sparkle, dangit!!

Anyhoots, so here’s my take on the pics. As always, the photos are edited for modesty by moi (OOH, I just spoke French. Does that mean that ALT is influencing me?)

11. Ren

America's Next Top Model

Disco inferno? The roof, the roof, the roof is halfheartedly on fire.

What the heck is this pose? She looks like she’s trying to “raise the roof,” but she’s got mono or something, so she has absolutely no strength at all. Her face is all kinds of boring, too. This was deservedly the worst pic of the bunch this week.

10. Brenda

America's Next Top Model

I don't think Alvin Ailey will be calling you anytime soon.

Oh, Brenda. This pose is so boring, and your face is even worse. Not to beat a dead horse, but you look like a dead horse. You’re only lucky that Ren did worse than you did this week. But I’m sure you’ll remedy that next week.

9. Tatianna

America's Next Top Model

Gotta get the H, yo!

Good God, she looks like she’s taking a crap right here and now. Is this an ad for Oops I Crapped My Pants? Geez.

Lucky for Tatianna, though, her face does look okay, here. Thanks to the lighting, I can see her cheekbones. But I give her two more weeks; maybe three, if they eliminate Simone for being the “pretty, but boring” girl.

“I’m wearing them. And I just did.”

8. Alexandra

America's Next Top Model

It was the dog; I swear.

What’s with the toilet humor this week? Tatianna’s advertising an adult diaper this week, and Alexandra looks like she should be wearing a t-shirt that says, “It was ME!”

Oh, who am I kidding? I’ll work a good fart joke in wherever I possibly can. Because I’m twelve.

Seriously, though, I suppose it’s mostly not her fault that I don’t like the pic. I thought the wardrobe was SO not breakdancing. And who breaks in heels (give it the right inflection, folks. Obviously, I don’t mean “breaking them in.” I mean “breakin’.” As in Electric Boogaloo)? I would’ve bought the pic more, though, if she’d either straightened her leg or bent it across as though she were doing a freeze.

7. Jessica

America's Next Top Model

My name is Bo. Bo Ring.

I guess this picture is okay; her hands and legs are decent. But her face; dear Lord, her face! It’s so boring! So blank! Salsa is supposed to be full of passion and fire. I should know; I took my first Zumba class today. But Jess is looking bored, which makes me bored when I look at this pic.

6. Simone

America's Next Top Model

Hip-hop, she is not.

Okay, so it’s no secret that I think Simone is so pretty, but even I have to agree that this picture is boring. Her body language is slightly more interesting than Jessica’s, but only slightly. If she doesn’t shape up fast, she’s going to get the boot for being pretty, but boring. Oh, well; at least she’ll have a $2,500 credit at Bluefly.com and a pic in their spring campaign.

5. Anslee

America's Next Top Model

It's GYMNASTICS, people. GYMNASTICS. Not dancing.

I really didn’t get why this photo was so hated at panel. I actually think her movement in the pic is striking, and her face is interesting. She looks like she’s actually doing rhythmic gymnastics (because that’s what it is, show). Maybe that’s why the judges didn’t like it; she took it too literally.

Well, then, they should’ve given her a real dance to do in the first place.

4. Angelea

America's Next Top Model

I came to bring the pain.

I thought this was a pretty good pic. Her face isn’t great, but it never is. Her body, on the other hand, is amazing. I love the motion captured in this photograph.

3. Krista

America's Next Top Model

Like a work of art.

I’ll be darned if this ain’t a good pic. Krista’s neck looks beautiful, and her pose is actually reminiscent of a Degas painting. Given how awkward she was during the shoot, I was really shocked at how well her photo came out. I’d have liked it better if her toes had been more pointed, but, still, I was impressed.

2. Raina

America's Next Top Model

Bob Fosse would approve.

Two things about this pic that surprised me: the first thought that popped into my head when I saw it was “Bob Fosse!” So Raina really did a great job of evoking jazz here.

The second surprise was that I completely forgot about her eyebrows until right this minute. I know. That’s how good this pic is. Her body is interesting, her face is good, and her hands are so, so graceful. I think Raina’s really starting to win me over.

1. Alasia

America's Next Top Model

The unbearable lightness of being.

This photo was jaw-droppingly amazing. The flow of the garment, the relaxed position of her hands and feet, her serene expression — this picture is absolutely stunning. And it really does a great job of selling the garment, too. It really gets across the floaty feel of the fabric. I can’t believe that Alasia — our screaming, hissy-fit-throwing Alasia — was able to pull this off.

Don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll be right back to screaming and catfights next week.

Thoughts? Comments?