Posts Tagged ‘modeling’

America’s Next Top Model, C14E09 Recap: “Hobbits vs. Models”

Last week: The girls got to New Zealand and went on go-sees. ALT’s salon princess, Alasia, got the boot.

Who’s gettin’ the boot this week?

Raina congratulates the rest of the girls for making the Top Five. She is sooo fake.

Alexandra says she needs to take out all of these “skinny tarts.” She inexplicably says she’s like Donkey Kong. Draw your own inferences there.

Jessica knows that she needs to work harder to look “more fierce.” Good luck with that, catalog honey.

Krista’s picture is up in the hamsters’ apartment. The other girls are clearly jealous as Krista cheers for herself.

Krista declares: “I’m gonna run right past ’em and throw a deuce up at ’em.” Uh, I hope she means a peace sign and not the deuce I’m thinkin’ of.

Sorry, but this is just where my mind goes when I hear the word "deuce."

Angelea can’t understand why Krista keeps getting #1. She says she’s not as close to Krista as she used to be, and she thinks it’s because the competition’s getting more serious. Uh, you think? Could it be possible that you guys are hating on each other because you don’t want your friend to get what you want so badly?

It certainly wouldn’t be the first time that a competition ruined a friendship. Not that I’d call a relationship formed on ANTM a “friendship,” really.

Jessica starts talking about the fam. I guess that means she’s getting the boot this week. She talks about missing them and, in an attempt to get more of a “homey” feeling in the loft, she decides to make tacos for everyone.

Jessica tries to warm taco shells on top of the toaster and ends up starting a fire. The girls freak out. If this weren’t such an obviously staged fire, they would all sooooo be dead.

I know of at least one person who wouldn't have approved how all of this went down.

Krista and Alexandra, who are suddenly BFF, mercilessly tease Jessica for failing to make tacos without starting a ginormo fire. Jessica will never try to cook again. Sorry, husband and child. You’ll have to either get super-skinny from not eating or super-fat from eating out all the time.

Krista grills Jessica about not cooking at home. She says that she just makes side dishes. Krista asks her if she works, and she admits that she’s a stay-at-home mom. Yet, she doesn’t cook. Krista and Alexandra seem to think that a mom must have plenty of time to cook every day because taking care of a baby is easy! Morons.

“Your baby is totally screwed,” comments Krista. Alexandra calls her an idiot. It’s quite ignorant and mean. But Jessica is also ignorant and occasionally mean, so that’s moot.

Tyra Mail! “Who says you can’t fit a square peg into a round hole? Love Tyra!”

They don’t understand what this means, and Raina recites it from memory as they drive to the site. “My name is Raina and I know everything word for word,” mimics Alexandra in a high-pitched voice. Krista and Alexandra are totally antagonizing the rest of the girls., and I’m sure it’s going to eventually bite one of them in the butt. It’ll probably be Alexandra. There’s so much more of her butt to bite, you see.

Raina used to be an ugly kid and then found volleyball and became competitive. How that makes sense to anyone, only Raina knows. She says that NZ’s beauty is going to keep her from taking all the teasing to heart.

The girls get to visit Hobbiton, and I am super-jealous. “Look at all the poop!” cries one of the girls.

Idyllic. New Zealand was made to be Hobbiton.

Jay Manuel meets them at the Hobbiton movie set. It is beautiful. Sara McLeod is there to help judge the challenge. She played Hobbit Rosie Cotton (that cute hobbit that Samwise Gamgee has a crush on) in Lord of the Rings.

Girlfriend makes an adorable hobbit.

Angelea has never seen it. She’s officially more clueless than Jessica. Ms. McLeod has the strongest Kiwi accent of all time.

The girls each get five frames to pose in the doorway of the hobbitholes.

The outfits that the girls will be wearing are from World Design.

Alexandra starts. She says that she’s not about to let her being plus-sized get in her way. No, that only gets in the way when she’s trying to tie her shoes.

Krista recognizes that she and Angelea have drifted apart. She thinks it’s because of the competition. It probably is. “Yay, me!” is quickly becoming Krista’s favorite catch phrase.

Angelea rolls her eyes.

Jessica is screwing up royally. She’s too literal and has no energy. Her shoot is too commercial. Alexandra says: “Like, I thought I was looking at a Dillard’s catalog.” I’m sure that she’s the only one of these girls who has ever seen a Dillard’s catalog.

dillards

She's going to need this in a bigger size.

Raina has to wear the most awful green pants. She says she’s inspired by the scenery. She is such a fake.

Alexandra was too pinup-y in her shoot.

Raina’s use of the space wasn’t comfortable.

Jessica was too standard.

Angelea’s was simple, but it worked.

Krista’s length in her arms and neck. Krista thinks Angelea needs to learn that there’s no way she can win this competition. Subtle.

Angelea’s sure that this is her redemption. She threatens to light Krista on fire. Like Jessica’s tacos?

The winner get $3,000 worth of clothes from World Design. And the prize goes to Krista. Since she also got best photo last week, she actually gets an extra $1,500 on top of the $3,000. Angelea is furious. Krista gloats shamelessly. Just a little sensitivity, hon. You’ve gotta know when to stop.

“Yay, me!” hits us again.

Angelea snits, “I don’t care. She can keep them clothes. I’ll buy new clothes when I get that contract.”

Back at the ranch, Krista and Alexandra mock Angelea’s “club thing” last week.


It’s okay, Nigel. I still don’t get it, either.

Angelea, sporting Ugly Headwrap #17, complains about the teasing and insists that she was just trying to have fun. Krista has no sympathy for her because Angelea dished out plenty of mocking to the other girls, and now that she’s the target of the teasing, she suddenly thinks that others should pull punches with her. She has a point.

Angelea tries not to let it affect her because she “grew up on [sic] Buffalo.” Apparently, the schools in Buffalo aren’t the best. She says that she refuses to let the other girls get to her. Looks like it’s a little too late for that.

Tyra Mail! “If you want to be a true top model, you might have to shadow one.”

The girls have no idea what this means, and Jessica ventures a guess. Krista calls Jessica’s guess lame, and then calls Jessica lame and walks off. That was just a touch unnecessarily belligerent. Jessica gets all wide-eyed and hurt. She misses her fam and wishes she could go home just for a day and then fly right back. I’m thinking that she’s going back to be with them on a more permanent basis.

Alexandra complains about Raina’s fakeness to Krista. Krista says that she just focuses on her shoot and that, with a little practice, Alexandra can, too. Considering how mean Krista’s been this episode, I was surprised to see her being so diplomatic in private.

It’s a good thing she was diplomatic because Raina chooses that moment to interrupt them. “Morning, glories!” she chirps perkily over the balcony railing. “Oh, Mylanta!” she gushes. Alexandra is totally right about Raina.

Jay Manuel meets the girls at a vineyard. He informs them that they literally plant the vines so that the grapes get maximum light for ripening. The girls will have to find the light in a lot of shadows.

“Because you never know what lurks in the shadows!” interrupts a voice from around the corner. It’s Tyra! RUN!!

Watch out for them shadows. They can bite you.

She’s shooting a shadow-shoot with the girls. Apparently, she’s always wanted to do this shoot, and she tells them, “You get to be my lucky specimens.” Seriously, RUN, girls!!

They’ll be playing with shadows. They’re looking for the light in each shot. There will be mud in the girls’ hair, for no discernible reason.

The girls are excited and nervous about shooting with Tyra. “Yo, Tyra cool as hell,” Angelea informs us.

Tyra walks into hair and makeup and tells the girls to start thinking about “shadows, secrets, what are you hiding?” The other girls practice, but Jessica just stares blankly at herself in the mirror. She’s totally psyching herself out.

The girls get clay in their hair, and Alexandra goes first. She’s supposed to find the light through the shadow, but there doesn’t seem to be much shadow to me, since the “shadow” is being formed by a lace tablecloth being held above her. She needs to “find the light through the fabric.” Seems to be plenty of light to me.

Tyra wants her to get more “danger” in her face, and gives her a whole story to think about. Tyra loved shooting Alexandra. She had a runny nose and kept sniffling. I bet that helps with the “inhale” in her photos.

Jessica is next, and she suddenly can’t stop talking about her fam. She’s so outta here.

Jessica is “a sweet girl with a secret,” according to Tyra. But her shoot too commercial and she can’t get too angry and weird. She’s quite boring. She can’t do “ugly-pretty” or weird. But then Tyra tells her to get all sexy and she finally gets it.

Angelea says that she’s sure that all the fake friendship in the house is going to stop. That is a surprise to no one.

Jay tells Raina to find the same love for last week’s dress for this week’s panties. Because that’s all she’s going to be wearing.

Tyra had been looking forward to shooting Raina’s “wolf eyes,” but was disappointed. “She gave me Siberian Husky, but not wolf.”

Hey, Huskies are fierce, too. (Also: SUCK IT, Rowles.)

Alexandra exults that “Raina’s finally — FINALLY! — starting to go downhill.” And that’s not petty at all.

Raina’s finished and gives Tyra a naked hug. Weeeiiiird.

Angelea’s determined to do well because she sucked last week. Her shoot is boring. She’s too “high school portrait,” according to Tyra. Tyra tries to motivate her by telling her, “You’re tired and hot and you’ve got a secret.” What’s with Tyra and the secrets?

Angelea was “sweet soft and blah.” Tyra told her to just be dead, and she finally got it. Because dead face is just second nature to Angelea.

The sun is quickly setting. They’re losing light for Krista’s shoot. Krista wants to try soft and pretty instead of mean. They’re chasing the light. Tyra wants more cheetah from Krista. “You’re a cheetah with a secret!” Tyra is seriously obsessed.

Double suck-it, Rowles. Also, I wonder what this cheetah's secret is. Because, according to Tyra, everybody's got a secret.

Krista gets it and turns out some amazing photos.

Raina says that everyone had a good shoot today. Uh, did she not hear any of the criticisms? I heard plenty. She’s so fake.

The girls all still have mud iin their hair as they ride home on the bus.

Tyra mail! Eliminations!

Raina doesn’t want to go home. DUH.

Panel! Sara McLeod is the guest judge this week. Tyra tells us that she was in Lord of the “Rangs”. “That’s how you say it in Inglewood! Holla!” Okay, okay, you rose up to your fame from the ghetto. We get it.

Nigel tells Alexandra that she looks great. This baffles me, as she is wearing a tank top that makes her look just like a tank. But her shot is beautiful. Nigel totally gets what Tyra was trying to do with the sense of wonder in the photo. I fear for his sanity. ALT praises Tyra’s creativity. Just as I’m about to complain that this panel has degenerated into “All Praise Tyra Time,” ALT chimes in that he thinks Alexandra looks almost ethnic, like she’s from Istanbul. That would make her Turkish, no, ALT?

And of course the mention of Istanbul immediately makes me think of this:


I loved “Tiny Toons.”

Raina’s pic is rather dark. Her face is too angry. Tyra actually likes the anger because it’s different from Raina’s usual shots. Tyra didn’t feel any passion in the shoot though.

Angelea is wearing a beautiful dress that she won from last week’s challenge and then she promptly ghettos it up by striking a goofy pose.

The photo is calm, but the close-up isn’t that good, though. Nigel gives her some good advice about looking beyond the camera in a shot. Kinda like following through in golf or tennis or baseball or even bowling.

And even singing, apparently.

Jessica is unenthusiastic, but Sara McLeod is interested by her pic. ALT thinks it’s pretty, but he’s at a loss for words as to explain why he disapproves of the pic, and he asks Nigel for help. Nigel simply says that she doesn’t have enough intensity. We can’t see past the shadow to her.

Krista, on the other hand found perfect light and her profile is gorgeous. ALT thinks her shot is cover-quality. Tyra loved her variety. At this rate, if she doesn’t win this cycle, it’ll be a complete shock.

Deliberations.

Alexandra. Nigel loves the picture. “Thank you,” gushes Tyra. Uh, I think he was trying to compliment Alexandra, Tyra. ALT loves her “ethnic” look. If ALT were white, people would probably accuse him of being racist.
Raina. ALT didn’t like this at all. He saw all anger and not beauty. She didn’t push.
Angelea. Nigel noticed that her body is much better because she’s on the ground, and it forces her to relax her shoulders. But her eyes were lost.
Jessica. The picture didn’t do anything for anybody. But she does have a lot of enthusiasm on set, which is a plus. But her face and passion aren’t strong enough to model high concept.
Krista. ALT thinks it’s totally vu, whatever that means.

The judges have made their decision.

The usual spiel. Only four photos in her hands, you know.

So who’s this week’s winner?

Krista. No surprise there. But she has the tact to act somewhat surprised.

Runner-up is Alexandra, and she actually really deserves it. But, man, she looks bigger than ever at panel this week.

Angelea is third. She doesn’t seem quite so dejected this week, which is a plus, I suppose.

Jessica and Raina step forward. Jessica totally knows she’s out.

But let’s go through the pleasantries, shall we? Jessica is so sweet, so pretty — so commercial. It’s a money-maker, but not a career-maker. But if she concentrates she can be edgy. Raina knows how to evoke romance and renaissance and couture, but falls flat when it comes to edge. So who’s still in the running?

Raina’s in. That’s no surprise. Tyra was excited to shoot Raina, but was disappointed. The camera inexplicably cuts to Jessica as Tyra critiques Raina.

She moves on to Jessica, our ousted hamster. “Commercial is the kiss of death on this show,” Tyra says, but she encourages Jessica to prove the judges wrong. Jessica hugs Raina and Angelea and takes her leave.

She’s excited to see her family and is determined to move to California or New York to continue to pursue her modeling career. Uh, good luck with that, husband and baby. Because, obviously, what’s best for YOU doesn’t matter at all.

Next week on the show: The Final Four get a surprise at the photoshoot. TWO will be eliminated!! And the final two will stomp it out on the runway for the win. Next week is the two-hour cycle finale!! Blessed release!

And now it’s time for RANKINGS!

So, the stupid CW hasn’t posted all the pix, yet, so I’m going to have to go blanksies on some of these until they’re posted.

5. Jessica

America's Next Top Model

Over-the-top eye roll.

There’s no question that Jessica earned the boot that gently helped her out the door this week. This pic is largely unremarkable — except for the fact that her eyes are rolled so far back in her head that I’m surprised she’s not hemorrhaging. I think I can see where her optic nerve attaches to her eyeball.

I think she’s trying for one of these:

Fail. On so many different levels.

4. Angelea

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

You're dead to me.

I could not for the life of me understand how Angelea beat Raina out of the Bottom Two this week. I didn’t think Raina’s pic was spectacular by any stretch of the imagination, but Angelea’s was so boring. The only thing saving her from being the bottom pic for me is the fact that her eye-position isn’t giving me a headache or aneurysm.

But that’s hardly a compliment, now, is it?

3. Raina

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Hungry like the Siberian Husky.

Raina really just looked bored in this picture. She’s supposed to look fierce, but all I’m getting from her is the kind of stare the cool kids in school would give me in middle school when I ventured to volunteer an answer in class. You know, like: “Is she seriously going to try and talk in class?? Who is this loser, anyway?”

SHUT IT, RAINA! I’M JUST AS GOOD AS YOU!!

2. Alexandra

America's Next Top Model

Soft 'n' pretty.

This is a good pic. Granted, I think Alexandra lucked out with a very soft shadow, whereas most of the other girls had to work with some crazy shadows. But her soft look with the soft shadow and the soft light is just so soft and pretty that it makes me want to cuddle up with some down comforters and just look at this picture until I fall asleep on a cloud.

And since this is just a face shot, she doesn’t look plus-sized at all. Maybe it shouldn’t, but it works in her favor in this shot.

1. Krista

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Heil, Krista!

Despite the fact that the shape of the shadows are uncomfortably reminiscent of a swastika to me, this picture is absolutely amazing. Despite the harsh shadows, her face looks soft. It’s clear that she’s looking up, but not hard enough to have a stroke over it (take note, Jessica). Her pose is simple, but that’s good, since it doesn’t compete with the complex shadows playing over her face.

(By the way, this is totally unrelated, but this video spoof of Inglourious Basterds cracked me up.)

So that’s my take. What did you think?

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America’s Next Top Model, C14E08 Recap: “Welcome to New Zealand”

Sorry about the delay on this recap — I got distracted and couldn’t get to it until today! Now, on with the show!

Last week: Anslee got the boot! We discovered that the girls are going to New Zealand!

We join the action already in progress — the girls are headed to NZ!

Alexandra confesses that she deserved to be in the bottom last week. But she’s looking forward to starting over with a clean slate in NZ.

Krista gets to fly first class to NZ, and we are reminded she chose Angelea to fly with her.

Krista’s happy to get the #1 photo, but she’s determined that it won’t stop there.

The girls pack. Alasia says that other girls underestimated her because they think she’s stupid or something. Now, whatever would give them that idea?

Krista and Angelea lounge in first class, which looks ossom. I wanna fly first class so bad. It doesn’t even matter where. Although I wouldn’t mind Prague this time of year.

Jessica says that she thought NZ was “like, just above Canada or something.” Then she says it’s because she got married so young. Say what?? Did I forget that fact?? I seem to vaguely remember her mentioning something about getting pregnant her first time out the gate, but I just assumed that was either Anslee or Brenda, since they’re the only other girls who have mentioned having children every episode they were on.

In retrospect, I’m thankful that Jessica isn’t yammering on about her kid all the time, using her family as an excuse for being on the show. It’s clear that she’s here primarily for herself. At least she’s honest.

She goes on to explain that, once they land, they arrive in this field, and “there are tribal men there with these little butt-flaps.” Wow, Jessica. That is just so culturally sensitive and not offensive at all.

The Maori tribesmen do a traditional dance. It scares the crap out of Raina. The dance requires the men to waggle their tongues rapidly like Gene Simmons.

I wanna rock & roll all night!

They’re on a volcano that’s sacred to the Maori people. Jay Alexander and a judge from NZNTM (figure that out, geniuses) are there, and the judge gives the girls a short lesson on Maori culture and history. The look sooo interested.

Then Jay tells them that they’re going on go-sees — right now.

The girls are all shocked. “And we smell like yesterday! Just nasty,” quips Krista. The girls all hop into their cabs and screech off.

Angelea informs her cabbie that his country is beautiful. She sees all the other girls going to one place, and she informs us that she’s smarter than these other girls, so she’s going to beat them to all the go-sees. Somehow I doubt that.

Actually, they’re all dumb, so maybe that’s relatively true.

Raina sees Alexandra headed to a location and outruns her plus-sized booty. Alexandra’s furious, but she decides to hit a different location instead. And eat a whole pie by herself, later.

The designer hates Raina’s slow walk, but loves her face.

Alasia finds a location, and the designer loves her look. It’s swimwear and she’s got the body for it.

Alexandra runs into Krista because all of the girls had the same idea of starting with the last stop.

Angelea’s plan to head in a different direction than all of the other girls works out for her, and she’s shown up alone to a bunch of different designers. So far, they all love her, too.

Jessica’s designer thinks she’s too commercial.

A designer with a Miniature Schnauzer loved Krista. Aww, I used to have a Mini-Schnau. She was our first dog. I thought we’d get a big dog, like a German Shepherd, so I was sorely disappointed when we got to the breeder’s place to find all these toy dogs running around. But we learned to love her and named her after our neighbors’ dog, since they had a Mini-Schnau, too. She died when she was only two of canine parvovirus. Tootsie, I miss you!!

This isn't my dog, but you can imagine how adorably our Tootsie was, right? Right?

Enough with the schmaltz. On with the snark!

Some designers thought Alexandra was too casual. I guess “casual” means “chubby” in Kiwi.

Another designer says that Jessica is too commercial.

Krista gets to the swimwear. She’s walking for the designer when Raina walks in, so she decides to put on a little show for her. Raina was next, but her body “and her personality,” according to the designer, weren’t great. Ha!!

It’s raining cats and dogs in NZ, btw.

Angelea has hit five go-sees. She was one designer’s favorite girl of the day.

OOh, a designer slams Alexandra for wearing uggs and having bad skin. Hey, UGGs are from Australia! They’re your NEIGHBORS!! BE NICE, YOU KIWIS!!

Say "UGH" for UGGs!

Krista insults Alasia’s walk, “like she just wanna be holdin’ her purse at church and goin’, ‘Yes, Lord!'” Krista’s description is pretty freakin’ hilarious, and Alasia’s walk, it must be confessed, is pretty bad.

One designer finally loves Jess. She decides not to risk being late, so she heads back to the agency and is the first back.

Another designer loves Angelea. She made every single go-see AND got back on time, which has to be a Top Model first.

Alexandra makes it in just under the wire.

Krista is late — and guilty of sporting Ugly Headwrap #14. Angelea gloats over Krista’s tardiness and defends her smugness by insisting that Krista would probably be secretly pleased if Angelea was late. That’s probably true.

Raina’s also running late, so she decides to walk, which turns out to be a mistake because she gets looooost. In the rain, no less.

The girls laugh at a bedraggled Raina as she straggles in, soaked. She consoles herself that she’s not the very last. “But we all knew [Alasia] would be late.”

Alasia is late because she left her map at her last designer’s!! She ends up being forty-five minutes late. This is a girl after my own heart.

Sara Tetro is there, and she is the host of NZNTM. With her is Chris Sisarich, a judge on the show.

Can I just call it KNTM (K is for Kiwi)?

Krista won last week, though, so she still wins clothing from each of the designers. She screeches with glee, but her glee is short-lived when she hastily realizes that she’s still in the doghouse for being late. The three who were late don’t get any feedback from their go-sees and are kicked out of the room.

The on-time girls get feedback, though.

Jessica’s is not good. She booked one out of four, mostly because she didn’t have much personality and she looks too commercial.

Alexandra was not prepared and didn’t book any jobs. She looked sloppy and didn’t have any makeup on, which is a cardinal sin if you have bad skin. Yes, that rhymes. Write it down, suckas.

Angelea — who is sporting Ugly Headwrap #15 — did great. She booked all six go-sees, and she wins the challenge, no contest.

The girls go and see their new place. It’s pretty freakin’ sweet. The girls freak out accordingly. The girls with prizes see their prizes laid out in their new penthouse, and the other girls ooh and ahh politely.

The girls wake up the next morning, and Alasia’s sporting Ugly Headwrap #16. Man, those headwraps are rearing their ugly heads with a vengeance here in NZ.

There is an amazing rainbow arcing over the Pacific Ocean. ANTM sure got lucky with that. Man, that’s a beautiful shot.

Alasia’s eyes are opened to a world she never thought she’d see. It’s kinda sweet, how grateful she is to be there. I’m sure that this means she won’t be there for long.

Tyra Mail! “All we need is one. The rest is just fluff.” Krista postulates that they’ll be surrounded by sheep. And she’s actually right on, if last week’s teaser was any indication.

Jay Manuel pulls up in a tractor with a special guest — Nigel. Mmm, he can shoot my frames any day (Translation: Nigel Barker is one hott Brit).

Today, the girls will all be wearing the exact same dress. Their job is to stand out and look better than the other girls while modeling the same dress. The sheep are adorable. Nigel calls them “horny beasts.” That joke only works in America, Nigel.

Alasia’s got Ugly Headwrap #17, which is distinct from Wrap #16. It’s like she’s got something to prove with all the bad headgear.

Alexandra is comfortable with sheep. She actually does a good job. Nigel loves that she’s incorporating past feedback into her shoot. Jay compliments her on getting her spark back.

Jessica has a little trouble with the garment. She has trouble with the shoot, too. She’s having trouble working the dress, probably because she’s not jumping. Nigel thought she looked confused, and her eyes weren’t committed.

Alasia says that she’s trying to think about the scenery, but Nigel doesn’t believe her. She wants to look serene, but she just gives the same pose and same face the entire time. She tries to lie down and fails miserably. Nigel is not pleased.

Raina rocks it out. Nigel’s inspired. I am not underwhelmed, but not quite overwhelmed, either. I am whelmed (bonus points for you if you get that movie reference).

Angelea wants to sit on the sheep, and they chide her for the suggestion — “It’s a sheep, not a…” Jay can’t think of how to complete his sentence, so I complete it for him. Chair! Ottoman! Footstool! Oompa Loompa!

Oompa Loompa, boopity beep, in your photoshoot, don't sit on a sheep.

Nigel thought she took the shoot a little too literally. She tries some jumps, and it does not work. She’s frustrated. She cries.

Krista is terrified of the fluffy sheep. Krista just really wants not to go from the top last week to the bottom this week. Fortunately for her, she does a great job. She leans on the sheep, and the sheep is like, “Uh, no,” and walks away, heehee!! But she holds it together long enough for Nigel to be able to get the shot. She uses her fear of the sheep in her shoot, and Nigel praises her concentration.

And that’s a wrap!

Tyra Mail! Eliminations!

No one wants to be the first to leave NZ. Angelea is snappish and irritated because all the girls are asking each other how they thought they did. Obviously, she knows that she did not do well.

Tyra’s wearing an off-the shoulder top, which is a welcome relief from the ubiquitous pantsuits. Then, we go to a full-length shot that show that she IS INDEED wearing YET ANOTHER an ugly pantsuit. *sigh*

Sara Tetro is the guest judge. She owns 62 Model Management and is the host of NZNTM.

Raina’s first. Apparently, the sheep’s name was Prince.

And this is still a better look than Tyra's pantsuits.

Raina’s pic is gorgeous. Nigel praises her. There’s a story in the pic. The shot is universally praised.

Alasia’s next. This particular picture has drama, but Nigel informs her that she didn’t shoot well. Even ALT doesn’t have anything good to say in her defense this week.

Alexandra runway-walks to the judges. She interacted wtih the sheep. Nigel calls it “dressitude, not dreckitude.” The shot is pretty darned good. Tyra calls her “Alexandre,” which is the masculine form of the name, I believe. That’s either a subtle jab at Alexandra’s masculine jawline or just Tyra displaying her ignorance. Either way:

Jessica’s next, and Nigel admits that her body is extraordinary, but her face is awful. ALT thinks she lucked out with the wind and the drama of the dress, and Sara doesn’t like the pic at all because she’s “not into armpits.”

Krista gets a compliment from ALT on her outfit at panel. Nigel praises her shot to the skies. So does the rest of the panel. Tyra calls it “a tornado of loveliness,” and I agree. It’s amazing.

Angelea is the challenge winner. ALT congratulates her and then promptly calls her dress “dreckitude.” Angelea stammers that it’s an Emma Ford dress that she won as part of her challenge. Emma Ford promptly goes out of business because ALT didn’t like their dress.

Tyra tries to smooth over her show’s insult to the designer by saying that the dress is okay for the club, but not panel. Angelea says, “I’m so glad you said ‘club,’ Tyra,” and tries to demonstrate how she imagined wearing it to the club in “slo-mo” — she awkwardly mimes entering a room in slo-mo and waves to imaginary friends. Nigel looks at her blankly and says that he totally doesn’t get it. It’s pretty awful.

And Angelea’s picture’s just so boring. Tyra said that Nigel’s composition was amazing, and he gave that to her, but she didn’t give back.

Deliberations. She says that the girls will come back for “eliminacion.” So is Spanish the new French, Tyra? Is Alexandre going to be Alejandro when she gets back?

Raina was a delight to photograph, according to Nigel.
Alasia didn’t work in this photo. Nigel wanted her to be his muse, but she’s “not even amusing.” Groan.
Alexandra has great “inhale” in her photo. Way to suck in that gut, girl.
Jessica was quite depressing, according to Nigel. She’s boring.
Krista is Naomi Sims. She is amazing. She took advantage of Prince. I’m sure Prince was feeling violated in a delightful way.

Somehow, I doubt that Krista will get to be as iconic as Ms. Sims. But that doesn't mean her picture wasn't amazing, because it was.

Angelea was all about what the gown could do and not what she could do. Sara adds that she was traumatized by Angelea’s “club” intro. Me, too, Sara. Me, too.

Eliminations! There are only five photos in Tyra’s hands, yo.

Best picture this week is: it had better be Krista. Is it? It is! You go, girl. She totallly deserves it.

Alejandro is the runner-up, followed by:

Raina
Angelea

Tyra takes a moment to address Angelea’s “dejected manner.” FINALLY. It’s about time someone addressed that. It’s so depressing to see her looking like somebody died every week, just because she’s getting critiqued.

Jessica and Alasia step forward. Alasia lacks focus, but has so much potential. Her body is there, but her brain isn’t (hee). Jessica is pretty, and occasionally pulls out a pretty picture. But then she also pulls out some whomp-whomp pictures, as Alasia would say.


Remember this?

But who’s still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Model?

Jessica is in. She cries in relief. She promises to practice making scary faces every night for an hour. Five-year-olds all over the country are eaten up with jealousy.

Alasia is sad, but she’s super-composed, which makes me proud of her. Aww, my li’l baby’s all growns up. She hugs everyone — possibly the first time this season that that’s happened. She leaves with her head held high.

WOW, they show a “before” picture of Alasia, and girlfriend has come a loooong way. She’s been empowered and is more confident. I actually believe that this has been a positive experience for her. That’s kinda sad.

Next week: Tyra’s going to play photographer! Actually, Tyra has a way of bringing out the best in most of the girls, so that might be a good thing. We shall see.

And now: RANKINGS!

6. Alasia

America's Next Top Model

Looking back on a good run.

Alas, poor Alasia. Unfortunately, I have to agree with the judges that Alasia’s time had come. It’s become clearer every week that she’s continually getting in over her depth, and it was only a matter of time before she got the ax. But it seems to me that she really did learn a lot from this experience, and I hope she goes back to Marietta a little more motivated to make something of herself.

I’ll see you in ALT’s salon, girl.

5. Angelea

America's Next Top Model

Streeeeetch!

I think it’s pretty clear that the only reason Angelea wasn’t in the bottom two this week was because of her admittedly stellar showing in the challenge. This picture is clearly hot buttered crap on toast. She looks like she’s stretching on a windy day in an amazing gown. The judges got it completely right when they said that the dress was doing all the work. The best part of this photo is fat, adorable Prince. He is working that camera (and his cud) and making us take notice of his massive woolliness.

4. Jessica

America's Next Top Model

Oh, woe is me!

Jessica’s pic was nothing to scream about, either. Her pose is so contrived and traditionally “modelly” here. But I do think that she had better use of Prince in this picture, without letting him take it over, so I had to give her a little credit for that. But, man alive, is she ever boring!!

3. Raina

America's Next Top Model

I guess someone got lost on the way to the ball.

This picture was certainly better than the bottom three, but I didn’t think it was all that. Her body’s actually kinda boring to me, even though her face is pretty amazing. And she isn’t using Prince at all. In fact, you can’t even see all of him. He’s just grazing away behind that log, and if you hadn’t been told that was a sheep, you’d be, like, “What the heck is that??” Meh.

2. Alexandra

America's Next Top Model

Waiting to exhale?

This has got to be Alexandra’s best picture to date. She looks absolutely amazing — not like herself at all. Which speaks volumes about the rest of her portfolio. But she finally broke out of the middle of the pack, so good for her. There’s all kinds of movement and emotion in this photo. Her hands are great. She’s using Prince beautifully. And she’s proving that black can be very slimming. You go, girl. You go.

My only teeny, tiny nitpick is that the garment doesn’t look its best. It still looks good, but not it’s very best, which brings us to…

1. Krista

America's Next Top Model

Now, that's high fashion!

Now that Alasia’s out, I have to choose a new girl to root for, and Krista earned that spot a few episodes back when I decided that A. Alasia wasn’t going to last much longer, and B. Krista is ossom. This pic is absolutely stunning in so many ways. Her face is amazing. Her body is amazing. The way she’s working the dress is amazing. Even Prince looks like he’s kind of her bodyguard or something here. When Prince recognizes your ossomness, you know you’re rockin’ the photoshoot.

So those were my thoughts. What did you think?

America’s Next Top Model, C14E06 Recap: “New York Women”

Last week on ANTM, Tatianna the Teeth got the boot, and I was so, so, so, so happy.

Angelea is frustrated that she’s number two. She wants to be #1.

Alasia is gaining confidence. She won’t even let herself get in her own way.

Krista explains that she, Angelea, Anslee, and Alasia are the realest in the house. She claims that Raina , Brenda, and Jessica are needy. She forgets Alexandra completely, which amuses me to no end.

Jessica is practicing on the runway prancing in a most irritating way, and Angelea is annoyed with Miss Perfect. Jessica is rather smug, I must concur. Back in the bus, Angelea asks Raina and Brenda how it feels to be in the bottom. They ignore her. Later, in their room, Brenda complains about Angelea to Raina, and Angelea overhears them. Angelea, of course, rips into the girls, who try to laugh off Angelea’s insults. She accuses them of having “fake confidence,” and warns them that everyone will see through them in the end.

Later on, Brenda, Raina, and Jessica are complaining about Angelea in the room that they now share with Alasia, and Alasia (proudly flaunting Ugly Headwrap #12!) shouts, “Y’all know I’m right here, right?” I have to agree that if you’re complaining about someone right in front of her friend, then, you’re just asking for a fight.

Tyra Mail! “When you walk in, you might have a fit. Love, Tyra.”

The girls gush with excitement. They postulate that this next part will be “either runway or go-sees!” Or a photoshoot! Or commercial!

Alasia’s late getting up, and ends up making all of the girls late as a result. The other girls complain. They do love to complain.

Jay Alexander and Ann Shoket are waiting for them, and Jay berates them for being late. Alasia steps up and takes responsibility for making everyone late, and Jay stresses the importance of being on time.

They’re going to have a little fashion teach on how to look like a model and dressing for your proportions. They are in the Seventeen fashion closet. Jay is wearing a cardigan and newsboy cap, and he looks great. Ann’s wearing a red dress that she is just working.

Long torsos should wear high-waisted bottoms and belts.

Slender girls should wear colorblocked clothing.

Athletic girls should wear ruching.

Alexandra must be like, “What about us fatties?” And I second that motion. What should I wear?

The girls have five minutes to get dressed. Anslee is amazed because Brenda doesn’t know where her waist is.

Ann looks the girls over and says that, despite Brenda’s confusion over her lack of waist, she camouflaged her confusion perfectly with a wide belt.

Angelea looks “sweet,” but her necklace is crazy ugly. What the heck is that monstrosity even doing in the Seventeen fashion closet?

Alasia doesn’t know her body type. She’s actually an hourglass, not a short torso. But she still looks cute.

The girls get to keep the clothes! Luckyyyy!

Alasia fights with Jessica on the way back from the challenge. The other girls all attempt to laugh away the tension.

Alasia hilariously describes her conflict with Jessica as Malibu Barbie vs. Marietta Barbie.

Brenda then makes some crack about Angelea being uneducated, and Angelea automatically takes exception to that. She boasts that she graduated from some community college in Buffalo, so she is smart. That begs the question: so why are you here?

Angelea later explains that people automatically assume that she’s uneducated because of the way she talks, but that she’s not. I have to admit that it’s true. It came to me as no surprise that Angelea went to a community college and saw that as a crowning achievement. I judge her and it makes me sad that I can’t bring myself to respect her for getting that far, given that she grew up in Buffalo, and probably in the bad parts, too. Great, now I’m judging myself for being an arrogant mollycoddle who looks down on anyone who’s done the best with the hand they were dealt in life. Thanks a lot, Angelea.

Raina predicts that Angelea or Alasia will throw a punch and get kicked out. Angelea invites herself into their room and flings herself down on Raina’s bunk. She explains, “When you living with girls, especially females…” And Raina snorts with laughter, and I must admit that I did, too.

Brenda comes in and tells Angelea to get out of their room, and Angelea says she can do whatever she wants. Angelea says that she knows how to start a catfight when she wants to. But since this didn’t escalate into any real shouting, I think it’s just a lazy catfight, like so:

Suck it, Rowles. I'll have lolcats on my blog if I WANT TO.

Tyra Mail! But there’s a ding! at the elevator instead of a message on the screen. An impeccably dressed and coiffed person delivers them a note from Tinsley Mortimer. She invites the girls to celebrate the opening of her handbag line. The girls are excited, and get dressed up for a night on the town.

Jay greets the girls, and he’s wearing a pastel plaid tie that totally works. He looks great.

The challenge: each girl has one-on-one time with Tinsley, who will judge them based on their personality and style.

Brenda’s not worried. She says that she goes to “uppity” parties back home, and that these “uppity” parties are her scene. Ahahaha!! Now all of your former hosts will be offended that you called their parties “uppity!” Let’s see how many invites you get when you get back to Podunk, Miss Brenda!

Alasia’s nervous, and she doesn’t know what to say. I am reminded that she’s only eighteen. But her hair looks great. She sits alone, and it’s kinda sad. This kid has no idea how to behave at a function like this.

Jessica talks to Tinsley, and explains about the “dressing for your body type” teach they had earlier that day.

Anslee tells Tinsley that she loves Chanel. Tinsley asks if Anslee knows who designed for Chanel, and she sheepishly admits that she doesn’t know. Tinsley informs her that it’s Karl Lagerfeld, and that this is an extremely important fact for a model to know.

Brenda loves Michael Kors, which I think goes to show that she’s just so vanilla. I’m sorry, but Michael Kors’ designs are just so pedestrian.

Cute, but not exactly mind-blowing, yeah?

Raina gets a compliment on her outfit from Tinsley.

Alasia tells Tinsley that she loves Louis V. She stutters that she loves his colors. She explains that everyone stresses that they’re gonna overthink, but she has the opposite problem. She doesn’t think enough. This statement is so hilarious on so many different levels that I can’t even decide where to start. Tinsley says, “Well, it was nice meeting you,” and Alasia replies, “Do I get up and leave now?” Aww, poor kid.

Evaluations: Jessica was the only one who talked about their teach earlier that day.

Tinsley thought Brenda’s personality is great. This just goes to show how fake the whole New York society scene is.

Alasia was fidgety. She doesn’t think before she speaks. That’s fair.

Jessica automatically gets to be part of the challenge win because she got best picture last week. The winner gets to do a photoshoot for the May edition of Seventeen with one friend. Jessica wins the challenge, so she gets to pick two friends. Of course, she picks Brenda and Raina.

The girls show up for their shoot and it’s about their personal style. Jessica’s actually perfect for Seventeen, and Raina’s very Denise Richards, who was a teen model. Brenda is the misfit to me because girlfriend looks OLD. Meh.

Later, Raina’s in the confessional, complaining about Alasia picking on Jessica. Alasia is eavesdropping on her. After Raina’s done, Alasia rushes in and rants about Raina’s fakeness. Raina then eavesdrops on her. Jessica and Brenda run up the stairs to join in, and Jessica and Raina make fun of Alasia’s ghettoness. While I do agree that Alasia is super-ghetto, I find it in extremely poor taste to mimic her on national television.

Raina tattles to the other girls what she heard Alasia saying. Raina then tells Alasia what she heard, and Alasia takes it in stride. It’s like they’re afraid to start something now.

Tyra Mail! “It’s time to take your campaign underground.” The girls guess that the challenge has something to do with the subway.

Alasia hopes it’s not because it smells like pee down there. And it totally does. She is right to be afraid.

The subway station is deserted. A train pulls up and out step Jay, the photographer, and Nicole the ginger winner of Petite Cycle 13. Nicole takes the opportunity to awkwardly plug Cover Girl Smoky Shadowblast. She is a terrible spokesmodel. I can see why more and more cosmetics companies are turning to actresses instead of models to shill their products on TV.

America's Next Top Ginger.

Each of the girls will be dressed as a “New York Woman.” Is one of them going to be dressed as a hobo? I hope against all hope that I’m right.

Hair and makeup and the photoshoot are all going to take place on the subway.

As the girls are getting made up, Angelea takes the opportunity to ask Nicole about how she dealt with the drama in the house. This is beyond ironic, as Angelea is usually the one stirring the pot. Maybe she’s just doing some covert reconnaissance to try and figure out her opponents’ next move. Nicole just tells Angelea to stay out of it whenever possible and to “stay classy.” Ahahaha!! Girl, were you not on the same show as the girls we’re watching this cycle? How much class do you really expect to find on this show?

Krista is up first, and she is portraying an aspiring actress. She is wearing white on the subway, which is courage itself.

Anslee is an artist. Jay says that she looks like she smells the stench of the subway in her shoot.

Alexandra is an Upper East Side socialite. Jay keeps having to tell her to breathe, because she’s not even breathing. What the heck would a socialite be doing on the subway? Somewhere on the Upper East Side, Tinsley Mortimer just threw her wine glass at her plasma screen TV and is yelling unintelligibly at it.

Raina is the East Village rockabilly chick. Wow, ANTM, that’s pretty specific, don’t you think?

The makeup artists continue to work on the girls. And I totally wanna use Cover Girl Shadowblast. It just looks like so much fun.

Jessica’s dressed like she’s hittin’ the club. She’s struggling to keep her balance and she looks pissed the whole time. She definitely overthinks it.

Angelea feels like a star. She’s a fashionista. She’s actually looking very pretty and natural. I know. I am surprised. Jay says that she has a studied poise. Never did I expect to hear the words “Angelea” and “poise” in the same sentence.

Brenda is a student, which is ironic, given her age. Now that Tatianna’s gone, Brenda’s teeth are my new nemesis. She looks oooooold in her shoot.

Alasia practices walking on the subway platform. When it’s her turn, she immediately grabs onto a pole, causing Jay to caution her, “We want Cover Girl, not $2 ho.” She’s supposed to be a model on a go-see, so I have no idea why they dressed her so plainly. She looks awful, and her entire shoot follows suit. Jay tells her not to forget why she’s there. She claims she’s not going to cry, which only serves to speed up the waterworks.

That’s a wrap!

Brenda feels super-confident and at peace. She says she has the edgiest look in the house. Somehow, this makes me think of osteoporosis, and how Brenda’s bones are probably and brittle as a bird’s.

Tyra Mail: Eliminations!

Alasia is nervous, and sports Ugly Headwrap #13 as she awaits a verdict from the judges.

Panel! Tyra remarks that everybody is collectively looking better because of that fashion teach. And they are. Ooh, but Angelea’s sporting some scary bags under her eyes.

Guest judge is Ann Shoket.

Raina’s up first. She was an East Village rockabilly. She lost her neck in the picture, but Ann thinks that she’s got an edgy attitude.

Krista is an aspiring actress. Nigel sees her pic as an ad. It’s a fresh photo. She really does look great.

Jessica’s next. ALT hates her shoes. They look skanky. She can’t believe that they’re criticizing her shoes, and she’s a little snotty about it. But on to the photo. She was a club girl. She looks lost, like she did a li’l too much X at the club. ALT thinks she looks like the girl next door who’s spoiled and you don’t want her in your posse becaus she’s going to make trouble. I couldn’t have said it better myself. I guess that’s why I’m not editor-at-large of Vogue.

Brenda has no energy in her shoot. Nigel thinks it’s too contrived, like an Ann Taylor ad. That cracks me up; Ann Taylor is gonna get you, Nigel! Nigel remarks that Brenda looks best when she’s looking off camera, and that she needs to learn how to look straight on at the camera, too.

Alasia was a model on her way to a go-see. She looks like a kid. Alasia didn’t think she put enough thought behind her character. ALT says that he still loves her, and she’s still in his salon, but this is her worst shoot to date, and he’d only ask the girl in this picture to visit his house. Wait, isn’t his salon in his house? I’m so disappointed by this news. I totally wanted to get invited to ALT’s salon and then sneak up to the master bedroom and roll around on the bed and ogle his shoes.

Anslee has an artist’s smirk. She looks like she has a secret. I bet it’s that her kid isn’t real. She just hired a family to have a story so that she could get on this show.

Alexandra. She was an Upper East Side girl. It’s a good pic, actually. She really does have a lovely face, even though she has no friends in the competition.

Angelea. This is her best picture ever. Nigel and ALT take turns complimenting her. Nigel says something about how she looks like she’s the person in the house that has it all together, and the girls behind her exchange looks. ALT totally catches it, and cracks up, “You got some haters on you, girlfriend!” Nigel tells the haters to watch out because this picture is really good.

Deliberations! The judges spew more French.

Raina. It’s a beautiful picture, but she’s too safe.
Krista. Her pic is dynamic. The judges love it; it’s incredible, and shows tremendous confidence.
Jessica. She is a know-it-all, and argumentative. ALT says that she has “fake confidence,” which were Angelea’s exact words to describe Jessica & Co. earlier. That amuses me to no end: ALT is as ghetto as Angelea!
Brenda. Nigel complains again that Brenda never looks directly at the camera.
Alasia. ALT says that he has cauldrons of love for Alaisa, but that this is her worst photo to date. She’s just not getting it as fast as the other girls, and that might not be fast enough to hang in the competition.
Anslee. She’s real, but ALT doesn’t think that her look sells Cover Girl.
Alexandra. The judges like her pic. It’ll probably be good enough to keep her in this week.
Angelea. Her pic is stunning; one of the best pictures of this competition. ALT raves. The judges have come to a decision.

The girls come back, and there can only be one winner amongst them.

The winner? It’s Angelea, who’s ecstatic that she finally won one. Good for her.

Runner up: Krista. Krista’s pic was pretty ossom. Like I said, she’s growing on me.

Raina
Alexandra
Anslee,
whose hair is very moppish today.
Jessica. The judges are less than impressed with her transformation from sweet girl next door to entitled brat, and Tyra makes sure that she knows it.

Brenda and Alasia step forward. Ugh, I really hope Brenda gets the boot. Her teeth, people, her teeth. Brenda didn’t embrace her haircut, but she’s a fighter. She doesn’t have the fire or desire. Her photos are decent, but not stellar. Alasia embraced dancing, but then she threw out the one thing she had going for her. She thought about nothing, and that’s what her film and photo look like: nothing. But one girl will get to stay while the other has to go. Who will it be?

Alasia is still in. She weeps with joy. Jessica rolls her eyes. Angelea smirks. Alasia loses it trying to hold in her tears. She can’t even talk.

Brenda is out. Tyra’s harem pantsuit is totally distracting me from Brenda’s booting. They make her look much wider than she is. Anyway, Brenda and her Laura Ingalls teeth are outta here.

Brenda hugs Jessica and Raina and then walks away. Brenda claims that she’s shocked that she got eliminated. I roll my eyes. She writes goodbye notes to Jessica and Raina. She then criticizes Angelea’s picture. Honey, if you can’t see that Angelea’s picture is better than yours, then you are just a sore loser. She disagrees with the judges’ decision, but she’ll respect it. Mostly because she has no choice but to respect it. What’s she gonna do, force her way back in?

Later, Brenda. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

Next week: drag night. Alasia gets left behind for the photoshoot. Whatever shall she do? My guess is that it won’t be as big a deal as the teaser makes it out to be.

There was a good amount of drama this ep; things are finally cooking! We haven’t had a full-scale model war on the show in a while.

On to the rankings!

8. Brenda

America's Next Top Model

This isn't America's Next Top Grandma, apparently.

I’m so glad that Brenda’s out. She’s the last of the uglies whose looks I couldn’t stand on the show. I no longer have to watch in fear that I’ll be consumed by bad teeth. Seriously, she looks so old and awkward in this pic. Maybe she’s going for a Nola Ochs look.

You're never too old to learn!

7. Alasia

America's Next Top Model

I can't believe my mom let me take the subway by myself for the first time!

Alasia’s pic isn’t necessarily bad; it’s just unremarkable. And I actually blame most of that on the wardrobe. She’s supposed to be a model on her way to a go-see, but she looks more like a kid on her way to hang out with these cool new kids she met at her new school, who will probably end up offering her drugs and alcohol, and she’ll have to decide whether to try and fit in and take the drugs or stick with what her parents and teachers have taught her and just say no.

In short, her outfit here is ripped from an afterschool special, and it’s doing her no favors.

P.S. Don’t do drugs. They will mess you up.

6. Jessica

America's Next Top Model

If you think I look uncomfortable now, just wait until you see me dancing!

Jessica looks so uncomfortable, here. She looks like she was standing next to a friend, and the guy she has a crush on just walked up and she was super-excited because she thought he was going to ask her to dance, but he asked her friend instead, and now she’s trying to look like she’s happy for her friend, but she really just wants to get to the bathroom where she can cry until her mascara is making little black rivulets down her cheeks.

I don’t know what’s with all my stories, today. I think it’s because of the subway. I used to amuse myself by making up life stories for the people I saw on the ghettro on the way to work.

5. Anslee

America's Next Top Model

I totally just farted.

Anslee’s picture isn’t bad, necessarily. I like the idea of this picture, like she’s got a secret or something. Unfortunately, because of her eyebrows, it looks like an evil secret. But because of the way she’s dressed, it can’t be too evil.

My conclusion is that she farted, but everyone around her is blaming it on the homeless guy on the other side of the train. She turns to us to give us a knowing look, as though challenging us to think any different.

ALT was right — that doesn’t exactly sell Cover Girl. Instead, it reminds me of this:

4. Raina

America's Next Top Model

Pay no attention to my clothes. I am a model, not a rocker.

I have to agree with Jay Manuel that Raina’s overusing her hands. She’s wearing this hardcore rockabilly outfit, and she’s trying to wear it like it’s an Oscar de la Renta dress. That does not fly.

There’s no story for this one because the costuming is all wrong.

3. Alexandra

America's Next Top Model

Is this supposed to be the Upper East Side in the 40s?

First off, I think this is the highest Alexandra’s ever been in my rankings, so congratulations to her. That said, the costuming is a little puzzling to me — are there really people on the Upper East Side who dress like this? She looks like she’s on her way to the docks to welcome her sailor boyfriend home from his stint in Germany during WWII.

Her skin looks amazing, though.

2. Angelea

America's Next Top Model

And no one will ever know that I was the one who took the money!

This is definitely Angelea’s best picture to date. She looks poised, in control, flawless. But I think I would have liked it better if she’d been looking straight at the camera; generally speaking, I’d say that a direct look is better for a brand like Cover Girl. This picture, because she’s looking off to the side, looks like she’s just embezzled millions of dollars from her investment banking firm and is on her way home to pack and flee the country.

But of course things will go wrong and the whole affair will end in a Mexican standoff at JFK with her dying in a glorious hail of gunfire. Or so Brenda wishes, I bet.

1. Krista

America's Next Top Model

Easy, breezy, beautiful.

This is such a perfect Cover Girl shot. She’s looking directly at the camera, her expression is frank, but friendly, and she looks happy to be on a New York subway, which is no mean feat. Why an aspiring actress would be riding the subway in a pristine white dress is beyond me, but I don’t care when I look at this picture. All I know is that she looks great, and if I were Cover Girl, I would book her for an ad campaign immediately.

I actually liked the idea of this shoot in theory. I like anything that inspires me to make up stories. But I still wish that there had been a hobo.

Thoughts?

America’s Next Top Model, C14E05 Recap: “Smile and Pose”

Hooooo, sorry about the delay, ladies. Vacation. I’m exhausted. Let’s leave it at that.

Let’s dive right in, shall we?

The girls have mail from whoever it is they ditched back home to be on this show. Everyone is excited. Anslee’s crying because her daughter wrote her a letter telling her how much she misses her and that she thinks about her every day. It’s actually quite sweet. Anslee’s feeling guilty because she’s put her daughter through so much hurt by leaving her to be in this competition, and she still might come away with nothing. How about next time, you think about that before you try your hand at modeling? Do you think you’re going to get to spend all day with her for the rest of her life if you actually do end up getting this gig? Chew on that, Anslee.

Jessica drinks pickle juice from a can, and Tatianna says it’s disgusting. Jessica laughs and says that Tatianna has no right to judge, since she loves bodily functions so much. In case we all forgot, Tatianna wants to be a coroner, yo! That’s why she’s comfortable licking fake blood off her fingers! She’s tough and quirky, everyone!

Also, she is sporting Ugly Headgear #10, and it is quite ugly. She’s tucked all her hair up into it and is looking she’s hiding some Alien Nation under that beanie.

Surprise! Not human!

She says that she’s pretty sure that she will have to choose between modeling and being a coroner. Choose the coroner, honey. Your teeth are much better suited to pondering cause of death than freaking people out on a billboard.

But, nooo, she quit school to be on the show. Please, girls, when will you learn that it is never a good idea to quit school to be on ANTM?

Tyra Mail! “You don’t need to be a scientist to be good at chemistry. Love, Tyra.” The girls scream excitedly, despite the fact that they have no idea what that means.

The next morning, the girls head out to Roosevelt Island, where they are met by Jay Alexander.

Krista thinks it might be a runway challenge. Jay tells them instead that the vampire challenged evidenced that they need help working with the opposite sex.

Jay explains that many magazines feature ads with couples, “but they’re not couples. They’re models.” Uh, thanks for clearing that up, Jay. For a second, I thought you couldn’t model for perfume ads unless you were married and hetero.

Jay encourages the girls to break the ice with the men they work with; to ask about their lives, say something funny, and to make eye contact, even if he’s cross-eyed. Just why would a cross-eyed model be hired for a major ad campaign, Jay? Hiring a cross-eyed model is just like hiring a model with jacked-up teeth…

… Oh.

The girls are going on a tram, and they will all have to be on that tram with a famous male model who’s now on a top television show.

Angelea goes first. The “shy” male model stands with his back to her. And it’s Nigel!! Good God, is he ever HOTT. She flirts with him, asking if he has a girlfriend. She then “rawrs” him, and he’s a little taken aback, as am I. You’re supposed to make him feel comfortable, Angelea, not try to seduce him back to your crib.

And then she busts out her M.C. Hammer dance to show him her skills. Nigel is speechless. He doesn’t feel that she was herself.

And he doesn’t say it, but I’m sure that Nigel’s thinking that Angelea can’t touch this:


Please, Hammer, don’t hurt ’em!

Alexandra’s up next, and she spends the whole time boasting about her hottness and her “hips that don’t lie.” And they don’t; I can totally tell that she ate a jelly donut for breakfast yesterday. ZING!! Come on, you can’t blame me; she’s just asking for it when she says stuff like that.

Tatianna introduces herself like a normal person, which is a promising start. But then she insults his fashion sense, and Nigel does not take kindly to it.

Anslee is embarrassed because he criticized her at panel. She talks about her life, and, while Nigel thought she was very real and was being herself, I thought she was BO to the RING. Just because you don’t have to listen to her yammering on and on about being a mother all the time, Nigel.

Jessica proudly sports Ugly Headgear #11, a giant, thick-knit beanie with a ginormo pompom on top. She gets very touchy-feely-grabby with him, and it makes him very uncomfortable. she starts stripping down, and threatens to strip him down, too. Nigel is spectacularly uncomfortable, and so am I. How is it that none of these girls but freakin’ Anslee understand the challenge at all?

Nigel says he feels assaulted. Jessica winks at her and leaves. He is visibly relieved that the challenge is over. He gives them a few pointers and then takes them to their challenge.

The challenge judge is Ann Shoket, Editor-in-Chief of Seventeen magazine. Tatianna’s gums are pleased to hear this. Ann is looking absolutely lovely in a deep purple frock. They’ll be doing a photoshoot with a male subject, and Nigel will be shooting them.

They’re introduced to their partner in crime, who turns out to be Ross Mathews, better known as “Ross the Intern” from a late night talk show that is not to be named on this blog because its host is a total tool.

Ross, the Intern for He Who Must Not be Named

The girls scream and laugh as though they know who he is. To ANTM’s credit, they do not mention the Show That Must Not be Mentioned.

Raina insists that she knows who he is and that he’s hilarious. Well, then I’m not so sure that you know who he is, Raina. But she hesitantly adds that he is not the most handsome gentleman in the entire world. That, Raina, is exactly why it’s called a “challenge.”

Nigel will shoot the girls from the street below, and they will have to be with Ross as the hot couple in the window. Ann commands them to keep it “real.” Uh, isn’t Ross gay? If they keep it real, then Ross will be shoving them away with all of his might as they try desperately to claw their way past him to reality TV stardom.

They get five frames, and Jessica greets this news with a hilariously over-the-top look of shock. It’s as though he just told her that he is secretly in love with Ross Mathews. The winner of the challenge gets a mass of diamond jewelry from Jude Francis.

The girls get dolled up in lingerie, and Ross greets them with the gayest “HAAAAIIIIII!” of all time. This is gonna be ossom. Krista tries to get him to stop standing so effeminately, but it does not work, so she insults his breath.

Raina’s up next, and she tries to lay Ross down on the table to make with the sexy times, and it is awkward. He shouts that she was trying to ride him like a bull. I think you might mean a steer, Ross (hint: a bull is physically intact. A steer is… not).

Anslee gets pretty comfortable with Ross, and he excitedly tells her that he thinks they’re gonna do it. Dude, Ross’ high-pitched screaming must be so irritating.

Alasia is unremarkable.

Brenda does some weird squatty pose, and it is not attractive.

Angelea tells Ross that she wants to put one leg up. And she seriously hikes it all the way up to his shoulder. Nigel is aghast. He tells her, “I’m not taking a picture of your crotch!” But when she won’t change her pose, he does it anyway, saying, “Okay, here you go.”

Jessica is hardly wearing anything at all. Her grandma is probably in a coma after this. But she actually does well with the shoot, and Nigel seems impressed. She whips her hair around, and Ross calls her a pony.

Tatianna is wearing a tie, and she asks him to pull on it. I think she was trying to go for a playful look, but it just looks like she’s a dog and he’s taking her on a walk. A dog with an aggressive gumline, that is.

Alexandra has suspenders. She’s riding him like he’s a seesaw, and it is decidedly not sexy.

Ann starts by telling the girls that the shoot was hotter than anything ever seen in Seventeen magazine. Maybe that’s because you run a teen mag, Ann. That would be inappropriate, don’t you think?

Tatianna’s shoot was too contrived. Jessica’s aggression worked here. Anslee held her face up to high, but she had a demure quality that Nigel liked. Demure, Nigel? Really? She’s practically naked! Alexandra has great curves, but didn’t work them. Alexandra is disappointed by this news.

But there can only be one winner, and it’s Jessica. She’s shaking. She’s freaking out much more than she ought to.

Anslee is disappointed. And by “disappointed,” she means “sour grapes.” She felt that she and Ross had a better connection than he and Jessica did. May I remind you, Anslee, that Ross Mathews is gaaaaaaay? “I felt defeated,” she said. That’s because you were just defeated, honey. Get used to it.

Alasia, as the winner of the last challenge, also gets a diamond ring. She’s excited about it, and I’m glad she got something out of it.

Anslee calls her dad, and she’s crying before he even picks up the phone. She keeps talking about how she’s doing all of this for her family, husband, child, etc. Seems pretty clear to me that she’s really doing it for yourself. You wanna do what’s best for your child? Then don’t abandon her to become a model. Get a real job. Or if you’re going to pursue modeling, then go about it in a way that doesn’t require you to abandon your family for weeks on end.

Tyra Mail! “Tomorrow, you’re going to find out who’s fake and who keeps it real. Love, Tyra.”

The girls arrive in Chinatown, and the Jays pick over some knock-offs. Manuel berates Alexander for even considering a fake, and Alexander claims that Tyra’s birthday is coming up. Alexander haggles with the vendor, who then flashes his badge, causing Alexander to take off down the street.

“And scene,” announces Manuel. Really? That was staged? Wow, I would never have guessed.

Jay Manuel then gives the girls a short lecture on the evils of buying knock-offs. The fashion industry loses $9.7 billion a year due to counterfeit goods. That’s a pretty crazy number, I’ll admit. So today’s photoshoot is all about fake. The narc from the “scene” is actually D-Nice, the photographer.

The girls get some seriously crazy amazing hair and makeup, and I absolutely love it. Tatianna, on the other hand, is not feeling it, and it shows in her shoot. She can’t stop with the hands, which Jay says is a flashback from the first shoot. She talks about her disappointment, and I notice a bit of a lisp that she didn’t seem to have before. Oh, no, the gums are taking over! RUN!!

Alasia goes, and her poses seem good.

Raina has fake eyes painted onto her eyelids, and she uses them. Jay is impressed.

Jay tells Jessica that he wants extreme from her, and she rocks it out. She is absolutely amazing. Her crazy really works for her in this kind of photoshoot.

Krista is boring, but Jay likes the awkwardness. Her poses are oddly serene, given her crazy hair, makeup, and wardrobe.

Brenda is booooring. So sleepy in the face, this girl.

Anslee has crazy Lady Gaga hair, but her poses are pedestrian and boring. Jay says that she was just lost. She has absolutely no energy on set. Jay tells her she looks constipated, and she says, “To be honest, I had a rough morning.” Again with the excuses, Anslee? I guess if you’ve been making excuses your whole life, it’s hard to stop just because you got on a reality show.

Angelea does okay; her hair is great. She looks like a serious tranny, in the best way.

Jay tells Alexandra to go extreme, which she takes to mean, “pull the bag like it’s taffy.” Again and again and again. She falls flat.

That’s a wrap!

Tyra Mail: Eliminations!

Tatianna’s not worried. Alexandra is depressed, and Krista tries to cheer her up by telling her that a lot of plus-sized models get pushed out of the industry because they have trouble finding clothes that fit them. Alexandra tries to explain how she’s feeling, but Krista keeps interrupting.

Panel! Tyra’s looking more and more like a flashback from the 80s every week.

The guest judge is Pat Cleveland. Tyra calls her “legendary,” which is a fair assessment. She was a pretty amazing model back in the day. I can’t believe that the 80s are now considered “back in the day.” *sigh*

I miss how bubbly the 80s were.

Tyra used to work with Pat, apparently. Meh.

Krista’s up first. Her picture’s good, but I don’t think it’s great. Her crazy blue contacts look amazing, though.

Brenda’s face is strong in her pic, but the pic as a whole doesn’t stand out to me.

Alexandra’s next, and her picture is boring. Pat says, “I know that there’s a lot you have to carry, here…” and I crack up laughing. These things just write themselves! ALT calls her eyelashes “double entendre” eyelashes. I’m beginning to doubt that he really understands French at all.

Tatianna looks bored in her pic. The judges are dissatisfied with her consistency. She generally has really boring film, with one shot that’s strong enough to put her in the middle of the pack. And her gums are trying to take over her face. I may just have added that last part myself.

Anslee’s hair is too slicked. Tyra wants it floofed with some height. Pat likes the pic, but her face is hidden. Tyra loves her face, and so does Nigel, but Nigel feels that she needs to work her angles a little better.

Angelea’s pic is pretty good. ALT raves, and declares that if he saw her on the street, then he would say to himself, “Oh, I must meet her!” Now, that’s a compliment. He tells her she’s got it goin’ aaawwwwwwn, with buck teeth and all kinds of ferocity.

Jessica’s photo is pretty great. Her body is amazing, and her hair is just nuts. Nigel says it’s full of energy, and it is.

Raina’s next, and her twisting torso works for her. Pat doesn’t like her face, though.

Alasia!! I give her exclamation points because her pose has such an amazing gamine quality that I love. But the judges don’t like that she’s looking down, so they feel like they’re losing her face.

Deliberations.

Krista delivers.
Brenda is too cataloguey.
Alexandra has potential, but she doesn’t show any feeling.
Tatianna is a one-shot wonder, and it makes the judges nervous.
Anslee might just be a shoulder-up model.
Angelea is high fashion.
Jessica is flyin’ high, and brings us to another world.
Alasia is evoking a star, according to ALT.
Raina is lost, and ALT and Pat have a “high fashion” echo war.

The girls are called back in.

The winner is: Jessica. Snap, she won the challenge and the shoot! Good on you, girl.

The runner-up is Angelea. Angelea will take #2. For the first time, like, ever, I’m sure that Tatianna is thinking, “She said Number Two,” and is snickering to herself.

Krista
Alasia
Anslee
Brenda
Raina

Alexandra and Tatianna are in the bottom. Alexandra has a body everybody wants. Really? But she doesn’t know how to work it. Tatianna just lucks into good photos. Tyra thinks she needs more than luck; she needs skill.

So who will stay and who will go? Alexandra is in.

Tatianna the Teeth are out! And there was much rejoicing.


Yaaay.

Tatianna is disappointed, but she is happy with the experience she’s received. She’s sad to be leaving. And then her gums angrily shout, “Come ON, there’s a coroners’ conference somewhere we should be terrorizing!”

Tyra dedicates the episode to Alexander McQueen. Alexander McQueen was an amazing designer, and he deserves a better tribute than this episode.

Lily Donaldson and Jessica Stam in ethereal dresses by the late McQueen.

Next week on ANTM: There will be fighting! And posing on the subway! fun times!

And now for my favorite part: RANKINGS!

9. Alexandra

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

This is my friend, Bo. Bo Ring.

As ecstatic that I am that Gummy McScaryteeth is out, even I have to confess that Alexandra’s picture was just the pits. It is so boring. I am already snoozy to begin with, but this picture practically put me out of my misery and shot me straight to LaLa Land.

8. Tatianna

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

The gums claim another victim.

I’m relatively happy with the eliminations so far. They make sense, and the people getting booted truly deserve it. That’s always exciting. And to finally be rid of Gummy Gummerson is a personal victory for me. Three cheers for good teeth!

7. Anslee

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

I can't bear the weight of my own suckitude.

I really didn’t get all the love for Anslee’s pic. She just looks so tired, here. You can’t see her face, and it looks like the camera just went off a moment too soon or something.

6. Krista

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Pretty. Average.

This picture is pretty, but there’s nothing all that remarkable about it to me. The hand playing with the hair seems a little out of place to me. But it’s decent, I suppose.

5. Brenda

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Attack of the Gingers.

Okay, must admit that Brenda’s face is amazing in this photo. But I am inclined to think that this is mostly because she is spackled with all kinds of makeup here, so it’s covering up all of her wrinkles and liver spots. Her body is okay, I suppose.

4. Angelea

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Fake never looked so good.

This is a great picture of Angelea. She does a great job of looking entitled and snotty here, and the way she’s holding the purse with just one finger is pretty great. It’s a good picture, and definite progress on her portfolio.

3. Alasia

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Give me one moment in time.

The genius of this pose is in its simplicity. In looking like they’ve just caught her in a moment, it gives some nice movement to this shot. And I don’t really mind that she’s looking down. It looks very editorial.

2. Raina

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Get it twisted.

Raina’s twisty torso is totally working for her here. She looks amazing. This is a pretty editorial shot, too.

1. Jessica

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Poetry in motion.

This is a pretty darned good picture. There’s movement in it, every limb is perfectly placed, and her face doesn’t show the effort.

So, thoughts?

America’s Next Top Model, C14E04 Recap: “America’s Next Top Vampire”

Shoo, boys. It’s ANTM Time.

A recap of last week’s ep: Simone won a challenge, Brenda struggled with her makeover, and Ren was clearly out of place and was SENT. HOME.

On to the show! On the way back from Eliminations, Brenda complains that she got the hardest dance last week. She blames her poor performance on her hair, saying that, when she had long hair, she was “definitely feminine and sexy.” Wow, think much of yourself?

They’re actually going to change her makeover because she’s not rocking it, as opposed to just giving her the boot. Oh, come on, Tyra. Just give her the boot!

Tyra Mail! I didn’t catch it, but the girls have to improvise something.

Dude, Simone goes to Duke! Duke must be SO embarrassed right now. She says she needs to work harder at modeling than she did at her studies, because she’s naturally a good student. She’s quite smug as she says this. Oh, Simone. Don’t be smug. It’s not a good look for you.

The girls enter a studio and Jay Alexander is there to greet them. He informs them that they’re going to take in a performance by the Upright Citizens’ Brigade. They’re an improv troupe. Jay explains that they perform “humor and thinking with the quickness.” Boy, it’s a good thing that Jay isn’t a member of an improv troupe.

Anslee struggles to relay to us how modeling and improv are related. She stutters and stammers and she is not going to do well in whatever’s coming up next.

JB Smoove, who’s been on “Curb Your Enthusiasm”, and explains the common improv exercise “Emotional Scenes” to the audience. Basically, the audience calls out a scene and then an emotion, and the actor has to perform the scene with whatever emotion the audience throws out at them.

Uh, don't you mean "smooth?"

One of the actors demonstrates by changing a baby’s diaper while angry. I am dubious as to the quality of the acting in this acting troupe because the improv was absolutely stupid.

The girls each get to do an improv, and Brenda goes first. She says she’s looking forward to just having fun. She’s supposed to be changing a tractor tire, and she’s shocked. Oh, it’s so bad. She’s just swinging her arms about with her jaw dropped.

Alasia mimes delighted scuba diving. She gets lots of laughs, but JB and Jay didn’t think that she did any actual scuba diving. Uh, guys? You know it’s just improv, right?

Simone depressedly rides a horse. She just looks bored.

Anslee pantomimes the paranoid washing of a Ferrari. She looks more disgusted than paranoid. Angelea delights in Anslee’s failure. Somehow, I doubt that Angelea did better.

We’re thankfully spared the sight of the other girls “improvs,” and the girls head home.

The girls return home to see Alasia’s best picture up in the house as “digital art.” Anslee says she feels like Alasia doesn’t deserve to be there because she doesn’t have enough emotional control. Uh, judging by the way you were screaming at Ren last week, I’m guessing that you don’t deserve to be there because you don’t have enough emotional control. Because we all know that that’s what this competition is really all about.

Tyra Mail! “Tomorrow you are really going to blow up.” Are they going to dress up in fat suits?

Sally Hershberger is back. Krista says they all knows she’s here to fix Brenda’s hair.

Sally admonishes Brenda for not working the hair, so she has to “edge it out.” Brenda asks if it’s going to be shaved out and Sally replies with a mysterious “maybe.” Hey, Brenda, you’re the one who opened that door. You should know better than to tempt Tyra.

Sally grabs the clippers and goes to town on Brenda’s head. She shaves the sides of her head down. It is “edgier,” I suppose.

Angelea makes no effort to hide her delight at Brenda’s discomfort in her haircut. Sally comments that she likes that it looks like she did it herself. Tyra, you could’ve saved a few bucks and just made Brenda do it herself.

Brenda says it’s so not her style. That is true. The haircut is edgy. Brenda is not.

The girls pull up to Times Square in the limo. There are tons of people milling about. Dania Ramirez shows up on a big screen. She was on “Heroes.” Oh, man, I hated her character. She’s part of the reason that I stopped watching that show. What a lame storyline.

Superpower: puttin' me to sleep.

Dania says that she is so excited to let Times Square know that she’s the new face of Cover Girl Clean. She continues to babble about the makeup line and I wonder how she has a career as an actress.

And, SURPRISE (but not really)!! She’s there in Times Square. The girls cheer dutifully.

Dania explains that, in the past, Cover Girl commercials on the show were always about memorizing scripts. But what Cover Girl really wants is for the girls’ personality to shine through. “Delivering lines is the easy part,” Dania claims. Snort. Obviously, she’s never watched the Cover Girl portion of ANTM. If delivering lines is the least of their problems, then they should all be hoboes by now.

They each have to do a thirty-second commercial for Cover Girl Clean. The lines will all be in voiceover. Instead, they have to “embody the Cover Girl vibe” with actions. Dania urges them to stay true to who they are. Do people who talk like that ever really know what they mean?

The girl whom Dania decides did the best will be featured in an advertorial for Seventeen and on CoverGirl.com. Thousands of people will see them because it will be broadcast live on the Jumbotron that Dania was on earlier.

Alasia is nervous. Krista is ready and pumped to let her personality shine. I am actually starting to like her more.

The girls have to do their own makeup. Oookay. Do they make Drew Barrymore and Queen Latifah do their own makeup, too?

Simone is disappointed that there’s no dialogue. That would have been her strong suit, so she doesn’t have an advantage against the other girls now. Ms. Duke University claims that modeling isn’t as clearcut as writing a paper, which she claims she can bust out in five hours.

Let that be a lesson to us all: STAY IN SCHOOL, STUPID.

Anslee is up first. Boring. Dania would be proud.

Tatianna says she’s going to bring something different. She flips her hair and shimmys and does some weird shivering and the people in Times Square cheer for her.

Brenda smiles uncomfortably. She’s quite awkward.

We see random shots of the girls. I’m just thankful that they’re not dragging it out.

Dania starts by saying that they’re all holding back. She encourages them to go all the way. Her inspirational speech is unconvincing.

Anslee was aloof. Dania wanted her to be more inviting. Anslee blames it on not hearing Dania clearly when she was explaining the challenge in Times Square. Oh, baloney. If she was confused about it, she should have asked when they got back to hair and makeup.

Brenda kept posing like it was a photoshoot.

Simone was holding back. Can’t you be more specific, Dania? Vague criticism is worthless.

Tatianna did a good job of showing her personality. Dania says, “But the winner is…” And it’s Tatianna. Wow, way to throw us off the trail, Dania. That makes the show better. She tells Tatianna, “I feel like I know you.” Uh… okay.

Tatianna’s excited. “Finally, I get some good criticism!” Aww, enjoy it, Tatianna. I’m sure you and your teeth won’t be around that much longer.

Back at the house, Anslee’s annoyed because Alasia has left a container of peas and corn to defrost on the counter. She tells Alasia that it belongs in the fridge. When Alasia explains that she’s just defrosting it, Anslee sarcastically says, “Then why does it say, ‘keep refrigerated’ on it?”

Alasia takes offense at Anslee’s tone. Surprisingly, she doesn’t just lay into Anslee. Anslee’s actually the one who picks a fight with Alasia. Boy, for someone who always talks self-righteously about how everyone else is soooo much less mature than she is because they didn’t get knocked up at nineteen, she sure does love to shout.

Ooooh, and then Alasia pulls the daughter card, and Anslee goes absolutely ballistic.

Angelea stands by, just watching, sporting Ugly Headwrap #9.

Krista hears the shouting and breaks it up because she’s “sleepy as hell.” Hee.

Anslee rages, “Don’t tell me what it is to be a woman because you’re just beginning to figure it out.” Listen, honey, having a kid does force you to grow up faster, but that doesn’t mean you’re mature. Allow me to point out that you were the one who picked a fight with this eighteen-year-old kid that you seem to despise so much.

Tyra Mail! “Tomorrow, beware of the no-neck monster.” It’s a photoshoot!

Jessica tries to guess what the No-Neck Monster photoshoot is going to be and says, “Of course it’s gonna be snakes.” HUH?? Because snakes don’t have necks? Oh, boy.

The girls walk into the photoshoot and there’s a dude in the tub and he’s made up to look like he’s dead.

Then, Jay Manuel sneaks up behind them dressed like an extra from The Matrix. Krista says that the girls were so startled that they almost peed in their pants. He removes his sunglasses to reveal that he’s wearing vampire makeup with contacts. He actually looks pretty scary. Except that there’s no glitter. The vampires that scare me the most sparkle and they don’t suck your blood, they suck your literary taste right out of your head! Scary!!!

I don't remember seeing any vampires in here.

CJ, the guy in the tub, is a model and will assist in their vampire shoot. They’ll all be “blind as a bat” because they’re wearing white-out contact lenses.

Brenda’s never put anything in her eye and says that this shoot keeps getting harder and harder. And they haven’t even gone into hair and makeup, yet.

Jay takes them on set and they’re pouring blood into the tub. He explains that they’ll be in the blood during the photoshoot. Krista’s incredulous look as he explains this is priceless.

Some of the girls are freaking out, and Tatianna proudly announces that she’s not scared because she works for a mortician.

Girls, you know it’s not real blood, right?

Angelea talks about putting in the contacts, and she says that she “just got them in like BADAM!” Hee.

She gets to set and is introduced to CJ, and greets him with a “Hi, boo.” They help her into the tub and commence the photoshoot.

Alasia has a lot of energy on set, and Jay says she looks great.

A bunch of girls are watching, and as they discuss Alasia’s performance, Alexandra burps in the other girls’ faces. That is disgusting. I was once driving down a mountain with a friend who was getting carsick. I tried to keep her mind off things by singing the entire soundtrack from The Sound of Music to her. She then turned to me and burped. Right in my face. After we’d had hot dogs for lunch.

The hills are alive with the smell of hot dogs...

Don’t ever burp in people’s faces, y’all. That’s just gross.

Alexandra works her body during the shoot, and Jay approves.

Jay urges Krista to use her ballet training from last week.

Jessica looks like she’s just sitting there, blind.

Brenda’s shoot is a mess. She drops the contact, and Anslee ends up having to put it in for her. Brenda is freaking out and she cries about it, even after she gets the contact in.

Anslee smugly informs us that Brenda “is a mother, but right now, she’s a baby.”

Jay gives her a little pep talk before she goes in. CJ takes her hand when she comes on set and Brenda says that she feels like “a romance started up right then.” Uh-oh. She’s totally going to go all Fatal Attraction on him. Next thing he knows, she’s going to show up at his place, all, “But I looooove you!” and boiling his pets.

But I LOOOOOOOOOVE you!!

Tatianna gets all up in the blood. She works for a mortician so she’s not squeamish. She licks the blood off her finger to prove this. I wouldn’t be so quick to do that if I were you, Tatianna. High fructose corn syrup actually is bad for you.

Raina does well, as usual.

Anslee’s shoot is too romance novelly, according to Jay. But she thinks she did ossom. She thinks Jay was completely pleased. She thinks he was very impressed with her today. And everyone knows that your own good opinion matters more than what the judges think!

Jay warns Simone that her performance last week was lackluster, so she really needs to turn it out if she wants to stick around. Simone is holding way too much back. Jay and the photographer encourage her to just let go, and she does much better after she does.

Back home, Brenda complains about the contacts. Good God, she’s the new Ren. She’s bRenda.

Tyra Mail! Eliminations!

The girls shoot worried glances at each other.

Anslee thinks she did ossom. She says that she doesn’t care how the other girls did because she’s only here for her own dreams. Uh, oh, and her husband and child.

Simone confessionals that she’s nervous. Brenda’s nervous, too, because of her panic attack. She says, “God, please, please, please help me get a good photo tomorrow.” As she says this, she rolls her eyes back into her head and hilariously looks just like she did when she was wearing those contacts she had so much trouble with. HA!!

Panel! Tyra is wearing an awful purple pantsuit. It’s hideous. But her slicked-back hair and silver earrings are gorgeous.

We meet our judges. The guest judge is Dania Ramirez. Blah. She is beyond boring.

Tatianna is up first. She was our challenge winner. Hey, that reminds me: how come Alasia didn’t get a prize for her first-place pic last night?

Tatianna’s shot. Nigel feels the angst/tension. Dania says she has attitude. ALT loves the drama and says she gives a good drama. And then we’re treated to a close-up and, OH, GOD, her teeth are awful. I shudder.

Jessica. ALT takes one look at her military jacket, calls her a bandleader and makes her take off her jacket. He says that her pose is cliché, and it’s our French Word of the Day!

Alasia. ALT loves the photo. She’s telling a story. Her legs and arms are ossom. She’s happy with her pic, and she should be — it’s amazing.

Simone. ALT quips that that’s how a black girl gets out of the tub; it’s a hair thing. Hey, don’t look at me; those are ALT’s words, not mine. It’s an ungainly picture. She’s like a mannequin, all stiff and posed. Ooh, that might be her death knell that we’re hearing.

Angelea. Nigel wishes that her head was even more thrown back in the picture. The foot out of the tub is awful. She gets awarded the title of “dreckitude” from ALT. And she has earned it.

Krista. She’s almost levitating, but her face looks tense. Tyra says she’s doing an “I smell dookie” face.

Raina is fighting for her life in the picture. Hasn’t she lost it already, if she’s a vampire? The pic is good, but I don’t think it’s anything particularly special.

Alexandra. ALT feels vampire romance. That’s a bad thing to some people, ALT. Nigel is concerned with her versatility.

The judges love Brenda’s edgier hair. She does a few awkward twirls and poses to try to convince the judges that she’s into it. FAIL. They love her picture, though. Tyra feels like Brenda wants to bite her, and ALT hates her legs, but loves her hands.

Anslee busts out a fake English accent, and they make her tuck up her sleeves because her shirt is ugly. Anslee is in full brown-nosing mode and whines to the judges that she only wears the shirt for the back of it, anyway. They ask her to turn around, and, oh, my. The back of the shirt is all ripped up. It’s dreckitude on an Alasia’s-silver-swimsuit-level.

Dania doesn’t pick up on Anslee’s butt-kissing, and says that Anslee has so much more personality than they thought. She asks why Anslee didn’t show this during her Cover Girl challenge. Anslee protests that she couldn’t hear Dania in times square. I know it isn’t Smell-o-Vision, but I’m certain that I can smell the waves of desperation rolling off of her.

Her pic is blah. Tyra calls her to task for grabbing the front of the tub. Anslee immediately protests that the people on set were telling her to do that. Nigel calls her on blaming others for her mistakes and tells her that she has to take control of her own success.

Deliberations.

They love Tatianna’s emotional range. Dania says she was the only one to pay atention. Tyra loves how Tatianna looks like she’s inhaling.
Jessica. ALT thinks she’s super-boring, and I agree. Tyra thinks her picture is okay, though.
Alasia. Her pic is sexy. Tyra says that her pose should say “skank,” but it doesn’t.
Brenda. It’s okay. I’d say it’s in the middle of the pack.
Angelea. ALT calls her “Dreckitude with the head back.”
Krista. Dania says that she doesn’t buy Krista as a model. That’s rich, coming from an actress. What is she even doing here?
Anslee. She just makes excuses. Nigel says, “Don’t make excuses, get it right.” They actually like the male model in the pic. When they’re talking about the other model in the pic instead of you, then you know the pic is bad. Nigel says it looks like he’s asking, “What are you doing holding on to the front of the tub?”
Raina. Tyra says she looks hungry. I’m guessing that’s because she’s a model and probably hasn’t eaten in a very long time. ZING!
Simone. Nigel says that she looks boyish; the pic looks like it’s boy-on-boy. Guess we should start calling her “Simon.” Not that she’s going to make it past this episode, though.
Alexandra. She does the same pose a lot. Tyra says it could be a signature pose, but Nigel protests that this is only her fourth shoot; how could she already have a signature pose? They ask ALT what his signature pose is. ALT’s signature pose consists of him leaning his elbow on the table and propping up his head with his hand, thus making him look like he’s paying attention, and also tightening the skin around his eyes. Oh, ALT. You are a delight.

The judges have come to a decision.

Best picture of the week: who’s the winner?

It’s Alasia. Two weeks in a row, and deservedly so. “Snap!” she says happily.

The runner up is Raina. I’m sure she’s not happy about coming in second to Alasia.

Tatianna
Brenda
Alexandra
Angelea
, who’s always so morose at panel. What’s up with that?
Jessica
Krista

Simone and Anslee step forward. Hmm, I like Simone better, but actually think that Anslee takes better pictures. In any case, I’m sure neither is sticking around for much longer.

Anslee has amazing bone structure, but her photos are falling flat and the judges do. Not. Like. Excuses. For once, I agree with the judges. It’s just bad form.

Simone has strong potential and they tell her to push, but it doesn’t come across in her photos. She’s stuck inside herself and can’t show on the outside what she feels on the inside.

But who will still be in the running to become America’s Next Top Model?

Anslee’s in. Meh. Mama Tyra coaches her in why she really fell flat: because of her own failures.

Tyra says Simone needs to do some testing and study her film. Simone stands on the catwalk, turns and waves goodbye to the girls, and walks out. The girls look at each other, like, “Huh? I though we was cool.”

Simone is calm and composed as she prepares to leave, and I actually kinda respect her for it.

Next week: Jessica gets too close to Nigel. Anslee’s caught between modeling and family. Bo-ring. I can’t decide if this season has just been boring or if I’m finally just getting sick of this show.

At any rate: pictures! Ranking pix never gets old for me.

10. Angelea

America's Next Top Model

Uh... a little help?

This picture is boring AND awkward. Way to multitask, Angelea! I think it looks like she slipped and fell in and he’s trying to help her out, but she’s having a mild seizure that’s causing her eyes to roll back into her head. If she weren’t so slack-jawed in this photo, that would probably help.

9. Simone

America's Next Top Model

Light as a feather, stiff as a board.

Poor, pretty Simone. She’s a beautiful girl, but she is not a model. Ladies, if you’re out there and you’re in a good school, heed my words: it is NEVER a good idea to abandon your education to be on ANTM. If you were able to get into school in the first place, chances are that you can be so much better than this show.

Simone will, at best, become an Old Navy Supermodelquin.

8. Anslee

America's Next Top Model

I don't see nothin' wrong...

This is the saddest bump-and-grind I’ve ever seen. What makes this picture so bad is that her face and body SO don’t go together. And her face is super-boring to top everything else off.

7. Krista

America's Next Top Model

Oh, CJ, you're soooooo funny!

Oh, Krista. She looks like she’s just cackling in glee at something CJ just said. Why she’s levitating isn’t really clear — I still don’t quite understand how she’s even holding that position.. But it’s funny. And he looks like he’s laughing, too.

6. Tatianna

America's Next Top Model

I vant to suck your blood!

Of all the girls, Tatianna was the most vampiric, in my opinion. But only because of her God-awful, jacked-up teeth. How many times do I have to tell you, Tatianna? Keep those misshapen puppies contained at all times. Other than that, her pose is decent, but otherwise uninspired.

5. Brenda

America's Next Top Model

Is she rocking the haircut, or is it rocking her?

Brenda’s face is actually really good in this shot. And I agree with ALT that the synergy of hands is good. But I also agree with ALT that the legs are just awful. If they cut that out of the shot, it would be good.

And Brenda’s modified makeover is edgier, but I still don’t think she can carry it off. Just because you have an edgy haircut doesn’t make you edgy.

4. Alexandra

America's Next Top Model

Meh. As usual.

This picture is boring, but at least it isn’t ugly. That’s really all I have to say about it.

3. Jessica

America's Next Top Model

Cliché?

So, the judges said that Jessica’s picture was clichéd, but I didn’t agree. Her pose is interesting, and I can see movement here. Her face is a little boring, though, so she’s not in the two spot.

2. Raina

America's Next Top Model

I gotta get outta here!

Raina’s picture looks a lot to me like Angelea’s… done right, though. Whereas Angelea’s just sitting there, Raina’s working the angles, making it interesting. I wasn’t as huge a fan of the face as the judges were, but it’s still one of the better pictures in the bunch.

1. Alasia

America's Next Top Model

Eat your heart out, Bella Swan.

Girlfriend has been rocking it out since last week. This pic is amazing. She’s working all of her angles, finding the light, giving neck, and remembering to point her toes with all of that, too. I think Tyra would agree that this is modeling H2T.

What did you think?

America’s Next Top Model, C14E03 Recap: “Let’s Dance”

I totally forgot that there might be DUDES who read this site, so I’ll just say right now: READ AHEAD AT YOUR OWN PERIL. IT’S GIRLY TIMES UP AHEAD.

Ahem. Recaps!

We had a nudie shoot, Gabrielle gets the boot, Alasia and Ren throw down, there’s a windy and watery fragrance shoot, and Naduah gets the boot. WHEW!!

We open on the girls returning to the house and Raina grins when she sees her winning pic “displayed as digital art” in the house.

Brenda complains about her hair AGAIN and now I know who she reminds me of. She totally reminds me of a ginger Laura Ingalls.

Oh, Pa, but I wanna be a Top Model!

I think that Melissa Gilbert has since gotten her teeth fixed. Brenda, on the other hand, has not.

See? I told you. Except that Melissa Gilbert looks a little younger. Oh, relax, I keed, I keed.

Brenda implies that her daughter will not recognize her because of her “drastic makeover,” and I laugh heartily at the ridiculousness of such a premise. But Brenda obviously thinks it’s true, so: was it worth it, Brenda? Was it worth it?

Renona Whiner confesses that she thought she was going to be eliminated at the last panel. She says that she would normally have quit after feeling like that, and I’m agog. So, basically, you’re saying that you would have quit if they booted you, but since they didn’t boot you, you’re going to stay. As always on ANTM, I’m astounded by the logic, here.

Our Renona has mommy issues. SURPRISE!! She says that her mother was never nice to her, except in the week before she came to the house. She claims that her mother prefers her brother because he’s an “all-american jockey type.” Your brother is super-short and thin and rides horses? No wonder Mommy loves him more! Jockeys make bank, yo.

She also complains about living in the house once again. I’m just glad that I don’t live there — with Ren.

Tyra Mail! “Your fashion knowledge can really take you places… or maybe not. Loooove, Tyraaaaa!!!” I may have exaggerated that last part just a little bit. But if you watch the show, then you know: not really.

Before we find out where they’re going, Simone informs us that she gave up school to participate in the show. I’m sure she’ll never regret that decision.

The girls are introduced to the FAB BUS. The bus looks like a lot more fun than a limo, because there’s room in it to dance around! Raina dances awkwardly and I take back what I said about the Fab Bus.

Toccara from Cycle 3 magically appears. Alexandra is happy because, for once, she’s not the biggest girl in the room. They’re playing a game in which they have to answer questions about the fashion industry. Toccara splits them into two teams: Red and Blue.

Anslee is on the Red Team and complains about “getting stuck with some duds.” You’d be hard-pressed not to get stuck with some duds as long as the teams are made up of ANTM contestants, honey.

(Psst! That includes you!)

Toccara explains the game. First team to get five questions correct will go on a go-see at the headquarters of Bluefly.com. Toccara then proceeds to rattle off a commercial for Bluefly, and the show adds in a game show applause track, which is pretty hilarious. Each member of the winning team gets $500. But the winner of the go-see gets a $2,500 gift card and will be featured in Bluefly’s spring campaign. Dude, can I participate? I wants me some free goods.

Still "big, black, beautiful, and loving it!" *snap* *snap*

Raina, who got best picture last week, automatically gets to go on the go-see, and doesn’t have to participate in the game.

Let’s get it started!

The girls quiz away. All of the questions are multiple choice, thank God. Can you imagine how many times they’d have to drive around the block at Bluefly Headquarters while they waited for girls to come up with the right answers? Hoo.

Simone is thinking they’re gonna lose because her team is down 3-0, but then she turns the tide of the game by getting an answer right and, before you know it, the score’s tied at 4. Sudden death!!

Simone and Brenda go head-to-head on a question, and Simone buzzes in first! She gets the answer right (it was Heidi Klum. Because, when it comes to modeling, Heidi Klum is always the right answer)! Blue team wins!

You're in! I mean, "right!" You're right! Auf wiedersehen!

Brenda’s team is mad at her, which is kinda understandable, since it was a pretty easy question. But she’s determined not to be too disappointed. Anslee, on the other hand, is madder’n a pig in a poke, and she predicts that she and Brenda will have problems as a result. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but if the other team had a total of five points, doesn’t that mean that a few other people got questions wrong, too? Let’s hate them all equally, Anslee. That’s only fair.

Simone and her team are super-excited, and they show up to Bluefly’s headquarters with Raina in tow. Raina really wants to win the go-see, and she walks into hers with a goofy smile.

Jessica’s next, and they think she’s too skinny. Am I really hearing this? Wow. Could it be that the fashion industry is actually changing?

Ahahahahaha, of course not. And even if the industry were changing, I highly doubt we’d get our first inkling of that through ANTM.

In the meantime, the losing team gets a punishment: they have to help log Bluefly’s inventory. They go to the back room, where all the inventory is in what the copy editor calls “The Cage.” I think they should be more accurate and call it “The Fenced-in Area.”

Back to the go-sees. They like Angelea’s personality. That confuses me, but I don’t even have time to say, “HUH??” before they ask her to “sell” the outfit that she’s wearing. She busts out a bunch of awkward poses and the judges give each other confused looks. I laugh unreservedly.

The ladies say that they like Alexandra’s face and she’d be perfect for “beauty shots,” which basically means that they think she’s a fatty.

Renona Whiner again weighs the question of sanity and happiness vs. modeling. DUDE, just leave already. For the sake of MY sanity and happiness.

The ladies love Simone. Their only concern is that her shoulders are a little athletic, which I actually kinda love.

They also like Krista. They can tell that she loves what she does.

But THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!! The winner is Simone. Good for you, girl.

Jessica plays the sore loser and snits that Simone is pageanty, which I find ironic, given that Jessica’s biggest critique is that she is too pageanty.

Ren and Brenda announce that they’re going to bed and that this means that everyone in their room has to go to bed. The other girls do not take kindly to this bossing and Krista calls her “Gepetto,” and it’s actually hilarious.

The Puppetmaster

Some of the girls wander into the other room for the express purpose of complaining about Brenda. One of them says that she looks like Miranda from “Sex and the City”, and the others laugh as though that were a really scathing insult. The heck??

Because if you looked like this woman, then life just wouldn't be worth living. *eye roll*

Then someone else tries, and goes for Chucky. A little better, I suppose.

A little closer, but still not particularly burnalicious.

Come on, people, if you want really hideous, try Clay Aiken!

Now, that's truly horrifying.

Renona Whiner claims that she just “can’t put up with this.” So she takes the high road — and tattles to Brenda. It stands mentioning that she was sitting in that room, listening to them gossip for the entire conversation. No wonder Mom likes your brother better.

Brenda, of course, is hurt — not because they’re insulting her, but because they insulted her makeover, which, to Brenda, is tantamount to “laughing in Tyra’s face.” Even after all the ridiculousness I’ve come to expect from this show, that statement still made me roll my eyes.

So she goes to confront the girls. Oh, excuse me, did I say “confront”? I mean to say “gossip about”. She claims to the girls in the kitchen about the other girls’ behavior, telling them that the other girls said that she was “ugly” (Brenda’s emphasis there) because of her haircut.

When Anslee says that she didn’t think that the other girls called her ugly, Brenda haughtily interrupts her, asking, “Were you in the room?” I will respond to your question with your own question and ask, “Were you in the room?” Because she totally wasn’t; she heard this from Ren. I’m actually quite shocked that no one else said that. Come on, people! It’s like shooting fish in a barrel!!

Oh, and did I mention that Brenda’s wearing the ugliest beanie ever knitted? That’s Ugly Headgear #7 for the series. She looks like a twelve-year-old chemo patient. If she really wants to be a model, maybe she should just call the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

So, anyway, Brenda and Anslee throw down. It’s nowhere on the level of Alasia’s screaming fits. She could show them a thing or two about stirring up drama in the house.

Hey, that reminds me: we haven’t seen her at all this episode. Could it be that she’s learned something about getting along with the other girls since the last ep?

Ahahahaha, of course not. I’m sure well see evidence of that soon enough.

In the morning, Anslee apologizes for waking people up with her yelling. She seems quite smug. I’m guessing she won the fight. Not hard to do, since most of Brenda’s comebacks probably amounted to “Oh, yeah?” and “Well… well… FINE!!”

Renona complains AGAIN and claims that she wants her quiet life back. THEN QUIT, REN. Seriously.

Tyra Mail!! “Top models always need to be in step.” Ooh, what in the world could that mean? Seriously, though, they’ve done a much better job of making Tyra Mail more enigmatic this cycle.

The girls arrive at a dance studio and are greeted by Jay Manuel. He asks them what their inspiration is, and we hear the standard answers: “my child” “my parents” “a cheeseburger” (that one was either me or Alexandra; I can’t remember).

Well, it turns out that today’s photoshoot is portraying dance. Which really has absolutely nothing to do with Jay’s question. Nice one, Jay.

Brenda says that she can only dance when she gets a little tipsy at the club. Correction, Brenda: you only think you can dance when you get a little tipsy at the club. I’m sure it just looks like a slow-mo version of the usual awkwardness.

Troy Powell is their coach. He danced for the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theatre for ten years, which means that he must actually be pretty ossom. The girls will each be representing a different genre of dance, and Troy will teach them some moves and positions.

Vincent Oquendo is the makeup artist. What the heck happened to Sutan? Did he do something to provoke the wrath of Tyra?

Sutan with some of the models from Cycle 9 (clockwise from top left: Saleisha, Bianca, Chantal, Jenah)

Up first is Anslee, representing rhythmic dance. I always thought it was “rhythmic gymnastics,” which totally reminds me of Get in Shape, Girl!

Ahh, the 80s. It was… an ugly time.

And, OOH, SHENANIGANS!!! I totally just did, like, two minutes of internet research, and all of it is telling me that what we’re seeing Anslee doing isn’t rhythmic dance at all: it’s rhythmic gymnastics, just like I thought! Take that, show!!

But back to things that people other than I care about: Jay says Anslee’s lookin’ pretty (and you totally know he dropped that “g”), but missed the model flow. Maybe because you didn’t give her a real dance to do, show.

Jessica has salsa, and she keeps moving frenetically. It is not pretty.

Angelea is moshing. She gives a lot of angry faces and Jay asks if moshing is all about anger. Angelea replies that it’s also about pain, and, after that, her shoot goes a lot better.

Tatianna is tap, and her outfit is awful — hot pants cut to make her hips look larger than Alexandra’s.

Renona Whiner complains some more. PLEASE. PLEASE eliminate her.

Ren is disco. Jay confesses that, when he first saw her, he immediately thought she was a model. But every week she’s less inspired, and he thinks that the judges will eventually tire of her look and see through to whether or not she had talent or not. She is awfully boring on film. Even Angelea is easier to look at.

Alexandra is breakdancing, and she channels Run DMC. As though she’s ever heard of them, aside from possibly watching “Run’s House” on MTV.

Raina is jazz, and she does great. That’s nothing new, so: moving on.

Brenda proudly dons Ugly Headwrap #8!! One girl wearing ugly headgear twice and getting into a fight all in the same show? That’s gotta be some sort of record.

She has African dance. Her energy is way low, and Jay calls her on it. Anslee gloats openly at Brenda’s struggling. She’s trying to jump on a trampoline to get some action shots, but she’s not getting the count right. Hee, she can’t even jump correctly!

Krista has ballet. Her moves are, shall we say, less than graceful.

Simone is hip-hop. Jay says that she’s a little too studied and her face is vacant. Simone is disappointed with her shoot, and cries beautifully.

Alasia has interpretive dance. I’m sure that I’m not alone in expecting her to fall flat on her face, but she KNOCKS. IT. OUT. Jay is all praise and wonder, and she’s excited about it because she’s finally getting something besides snorting laughs and disappointment in reaction to her photoshoot.

Tyra Mail. Eliminations!

Ren complains as usual about “missing her life.” The girls finally can’t take any more of her crap and ask her: if she could be anywhere in the world, where would she want to be?

When she can’t answer right away, one of the girls asks if she’s going to cry, which send some of the other girls into gales of laughter. It’s actually quite cruel, the way they’re blatantly taking pleasure in her hurt. Granted, she is annoying, but she’s still a human being, people. It’s one thing for her to cry about something stupid; it’s another thing altogether to make her cry because you know she’s an easy target.

That said, she’s still ridiculous, and I hope to God she gets the boot.

Panel! We are re-introduced to the judges. Sean Patterson, president of Wilhelmina Models, is the guest judge. I find this a little odd, as he was not featured in the episode at all.

On to the photos!

Jessica is first up. Her salsa pic had no emotion, and not enough fashion in it. ALT tells her she’s patently gauche (it means awkward. That’s okay; I had to look it up, too. I’m learning so much more French since ALT joined the judging panel!)

Raina is jazz, and all the judges rave. It is a pretty good pic.

Anslee had rhythmic gymnastics (I won’t call it something it’s not, show), and her picture is too “conscious.”

Simone is also patently gauche, but in a good way, according to ALT. Tyra doesn’t like her picture, though. She thinks it’s too safe, and I actually agree with Tyra, for once. Tyra advises Simone to find a moment. Simone nods, but I’m sure she has no clue what that’s supposed to mean.

Tatianna’s legs are looking NARSTY in her tap dance pic. Yikes, does she ever look awkward. Nigel says that it’s a dynamite close-up, though. That’s because her mouth is closed, Nigel. But Tyra informs her that the rest of her film was a disaster, and she just lucked into a good shot.

Brenda came to panel dressed like a mom. ALT calls her “dreckitude,” a word that is working its way into everyday speech at an alarming pace. The judges keep talking to her about her age and how she needs to be mindful of how much of an old hag she is. Well, maybe they didn’t say it in those words, but you and I know what they meant. As for her African dance picture, Sean Patterson says it reminds him of an “SNL” skit, in that it looks like a farce. Anslee doesn’t bother to hide her mirth at hearing this.

Alasia is next, and ALT “ooh, child“s her, and tells her to take off her jacket. That turns out to be a huge mistake because girlfriend is wearing a skimpy, silver swimsuit underneath. The judges are agog with disgust. But they rave unanimously about her interpretive dance photo. Sean Patterson quips that her photo is as good as her outfit is bad. Nice one, Sean!

Alexandra had breakdancing, and the judges agree that her pic is amazing, except for her necklessness. Krista smugly points that out immediately.

Angelea’s moshing photo is also amazing. Even I have to admit it. But somehow, she doesn’t seem pleased, as she refuses to smile throughout the duration of panel.

Krista had ballet. Her neck is great. And Tyra says that her awkward hands make the shot “fashion.”

Ren did disco, and the photo’s “not fashion,” according to ALT. Ren complains about the “drama” in the house. Sean Patterson actually gives her some sage advice, telling her that she’s going to have to leave any personal stuff off set if she wants to be a successful model. They ask her if she wants to stay or go. Tension! And, then: commercial!

And we’re back, and where were we? Oh, yeah: tension! Will she stay or will she go? Aww, she says she wants to stay. Wuss.

The judges dismiss the girls as they deliberate.

Jessica: Her pic is okay, but too obvious. She wasn’t convincing, and the judges wanted to be convinced.
Anslee: She has no imagination. She had energy, but her body awareness was bad in this shoot. I’m going to give her a pass, though, because it’s not her fault that she got a bogus dance to do.
Simone: She seems confused. Nigel claims that he loves hip-hop, which makes me guffaw, and that what Simone was doing was not hip-hop. I try to imagine Nigel krumping, and am unsuccessful in my endeavor.
Alexandra: She has confidence. I think they’re confusing a competitive streak borne of bad body image with confidence.
Tatianna: ALT proclaims her dreckitude. I don’t get it; is it an adjective or a noun? Because I think he’s been using it both ways. In either case, I agree: Tatianna is dreckitude, especially when she bares those fangs of hers.
Krista: Her face is beautiful.
Angelea: The judges think it’s a “wow” shot.
Ren: Her pic is a mess. Will they boot her? Come on, boot her!
Brenda: ALT announces that she is the Dreckitude Winner of the Week. Um, yay? Her picture has no edge.
Raina: They love her pic; it’s high-fashion.
Alasia: Her photo is gorgeous — it is pretty amazing. But she’s only gorgeous in the photo; in person, she’s a wreck. A dreck wreck, André?

The Dreck Awards have been given, and the judges have made a decision.

The Spiel. Who’s this week’s winner?

It’s Alasia. She wins on a day in which she looks like absolute crap at panel. Good for her. The picture is gorgeous.

Next up:
Angelea, who finally cracks a smile for the first time all panel.
Jessica
Alexandra
Krista

There’s weird electronica elimination music this week. It is quite strange.
Raina Wait a minute, they called Jessica before Raina? If I recall correctly, they had complaints about Jessica’s picture and nothing but raves about Raina’s. Shenanigans!! SHENANIGANS!!
Tatianna
Simone
Anslee

Ren and Brenda step forward. Tyra whispers, “Two beautiful young ladies stand before me, but I only have one photo in my hands.” Hahaha, oh, Tyra. It stops being dramatic after fourteen cycles, you know.

Tyra looks at Ren and says that she’s doing it for the wrong reasons. Ren actually nods at this, and Tyra calls her on it. Cornered, Ren panics and babbles that she’s only doing this to get Mommy’s attention. Tyra asks her if she really wants this, and Ren says that she likes modeling…

What’s that noise? Oh, it’s the final nail in Ren’s coffin. Brenda’s still in the running to become America’s Next Top Model, and that’s actually as it should be.

See ya, REN!! And good riddance! Tyra encourages her to communicate her unhappiness with her mother. The other girls are practically grinning in their glee.

Ren waves a half-hearted goodbye to the girls, and hugs no one. None of the girls seem to much care. Good riddance, I say. Smell you later, Renona Whiner!!

That reminds me, KTLA 5, the local CW station, totally ran a news teaser that they’d have a morning interview with the latest model to get the boot on ANTM, and then they totally showed a clip of Ren. This was about fifteen minutes before the end of the ep. And you didn’t spoiler-warn me, you punks!! Boo on you, KTLA. BOO on YOU!!

But I digress.

Next week on ANTM: jumping and falling? I have no idea what they’re supposed to be doing. There’s going to be a Cover Girl challenge in Time Square. It looks like they’ll be doing a live commercial there. Ooh, that’s going to be just delicious. They’re also going to do a vampire shoot. I demand to know where all the glitter is. Stephanie Meyer told me that vampires are supposed to sparkle, dangit!!

Anyhoots, so here’s my take on the pics. As always, the photos are edited for modesty by moi (OOH, I just spoke French. Does that mean that ALT is influencing me?)

11. Ren

America's Next Top Model

Disco inferno? The roof, the roof, the roof is halfheartedly on fire.

What the heck is this pose? She looks like she’s trying to “raise the roof,” but she’s got mono or something, so she has absolutely no strength at all. Her face is all kinds of boring, too. This was deservedly the worst pic of the bunch this week.

10. Brenda

America's Next Top Model

I don't think Alvin Ailey will be calling you anytime soon.

Oh, Brenda. This pose is so boring, and your face is even worse. Not to beat a dead horse, but you look like a dead horse. You’re only lucky that Ren did worse than you did this week. But I’m sure you’ll remedy that next week.

9. Tatianna

America's Next Top Model

Gotta get the H, yo!

Good God, she looks like she’s taking a crap right here and now. Is this an ad for Oops I Crapped My Pants? Geez.

Lucky for Tatianna, though, her face does look okay, here. Thanks to the lighting, I can see her cheekbones. But I give her two more weeks; maybe three, if they eliminate Simone for being the “pretty, but boring” girl.

“I’m wearing them. And I just did.”

8. Alexandra

America's Next Top Model

It was the dog; I swear.

What’s with the toilet humor this week? Tatianna’s advertising an adult diaper this week, and Alexandra looks like she should be wearing a t-shirt that says, “It was ME!”

Oh, who am I kidding? I’ll work a good fart joke in wherever I possibly can. Because I’m twelve.

Seriously, though, I suppose it’s mostly not her fault that I don’t like the pic. I thought the wardrobe was SO not breakdancing. And who breaks in heels (give it the right inflection, folks. Obviously, I don’t mean “breaking them in.” I mean “breakin’.” As in Electric Boogaloo)? I would’ve bought the pic more, though, if she’d either straightened her leg or bent it across as though she were doing a freeze.

7. Jessica

America's Next Top Model

My name is Bo. Bo Ring.

I guess this picture is okay; her hands and legs are decent. But her face; dear Lord, her face! It’s so boring! So blank! Salsa is supposed to be full of passion and fire. I should know; I took my first Zumba class today. But Jess is looking bored, which makes me bored when I look at this pic.

6. Simone

America's Next Top Model

Hip-hop, she is not.

Okay, so it’s no secret that I think Simone is so pretty, but even I have to agree that this picture is boring. Her body language is slightly more interesting than Jessica’s, but only slightly. If she doesn’t shape up fast, she’s going to get the boot for being pretty, but boring. Oh, well; at least she’ll have a $2,500 credit at Bluefly.com and a pic in their spring campaign.

5. Anslee

America's Next Top Model

It's GYMNASTICS, people. GYMNASTICS. Not dancing.

I really didn’t get why this photo was so hated at panel. I actually think her movement in the pic is striking, and her face is interesting. She looks like she’s actually doing rhythmic gymnastics (because that’s what it is, show). Maybe that’s why the judges didn’t like it; she took it too literally.

Well, then, they should’ve given her a real dance to do in the first place.

4. Angelea

America's Next Top Model

I came to bring the pain.

I thought this was a pretty good pic. Her face isn’t great, but it never is. Her body, on the other hand, is amazing. I love the motion captured in this photograph.

3. Krista

America's Next Top Model

Like a work of art.

I’ll be darned if this ain’t a good pic. Krista’s neck looks beautiful, and her pose is actually reminiscent of a Degas painting. Given how awkward she was during the shoot, I was really shocked at how well her photo came out. I’d have liked it better if her toes had been more pointed, but, still, I was impressed.

2. Raina

America's Next Top Model

Bob Fosse would approve.

Two things about this pic that surprised me: the first thought that popped into my head when I saw it was “Bob Fosse!” So Raina really did a great job of evoking jazz here.

The second surprise was that I completely forgot about her eyebrows until right this minute. I know. That’s how good this pic is. Her body is interesting, her face is good, and her hands are so, so graceful. I think Raina’s really starting to win me over.

1. Alasia

America's Next Top Model

The unbearable lightness of being.

This photo was jaw-droppingly amazing. The flow of the garment, the relaxed position of her hands and feet, her serene expression — this picture is absolutely stunning. And it really does a great job of selling the garment, too. It really gets across the floaty feel of the fabric. I can’t believe that Alasia — our screaming, hissy-fit-throwing Alasia — was able to pull this off.

Don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll be right back to screaming and catfights next week.

Thoughts? Comments?

America’s Next Top Model, C14E02 Recap: “Dreckitude!”

So we’re back for another episode! I think we’ve got a relatively decent group of hamsters, there. There will be drama, I’m sure.

On with the show!

We cut back to the end of the last episode, and Jay says that this is their first official photoshoot. Uh, I seem to remember a makeover photoshoot that, like, just happened, Jay. Shenanigans!

Jay is also wearing a kilt. I don’t know how I missed that the first time around. I’m also not sure if I think it’s cool or ridiculous. I want to say it’s ridiculous, but, somehow, it kinda works on him. I know, I’m shocked at myself, too.

Jessica tells us she was raised in a religious family, and they are gonna FREAK. OUT. when they find out she did a nude photoshoot. Ah, so she’s That Girl this season. She’s concerned, but obviously not enough to blow off the photoshoot. Way to kinda rebel against your family, Jessica!

Jessica kinda reminds me of Christina Aguilera, when she had dark hair.

If Christina became Xtina when she dyed her hair, does that mean that Jessica is now JXica?

Raina sees a jacket and a shirt, and says that she just wants to grab whatever will offer her the most coverage. Hey, Raina, just use your eyebrows! That’s a lot of coverage right there.

Anslee feels sorry for the mannequin because it got totally manhandled during the clothing grab. That was a pretty brutal scene. Kinda reminded me of this:


This video is property of Disney

The girls head into hair and makeup.

We see blurring. The girls is nekkid, and ready for their nekkid photoshoot.

Alexandra has a necklace. I am reminded that she’s the plus-sized model this cycle — that’s a lotta body.

Angelea models shoes. Tatianna says that she wishes Angelea would get booted because her personality sucks. Ha!! But then what would entice the viewers back, Tatianna? Well, besides the raging battle being fought between your teeth and your gumline?

Raina has a ring. Her eyebrows insist that I compliment her shoot, and it makes me feel awkward.

Gabrielle has leggings, but she doesn’t know who her inspiration is. She gives some dead, dead face, and Jay wants to see more of a glint in her eye. Jay complains that she’s not modeling H2T (that’s “head to toe” for you ANTM newbies).

Jessica has shorts, and is worried about her grandma seeing her nekkidness on TV and freaking out. But not so worried that she stops.

Alasia gets a vest. She does a few boring poses before Jay finally asks her to “try something different.” She does something different all right: she puts the vest on backwards and then gives the photographer a butt-shot. Seriously. Just… all booty. Jay clearly thinks this is strange, but they shoot away anyway.

Ren has the hat. She boasts about getting along naturally with
the stylists. A real humble one, that Ren. Angelea says that she doesn't think much of Ren, but admits that she had a "bomb-a**" photoshoot.

Krista gets a shirt. I think it’s a dress at first, because it’s nearly long enough to be one, and we all know how much models love minidresses. But it’s clear that it’s a shirt. Oh, and instead of putting it on, Krista just drapes it over herself, like a tiny, ornate blanket. That’s just lazy, IMO.

Tyra Mail! Ooh, there will be an elimination right off the bat!

Naduah’s not nervous and doesn’t think that she, Brenda or Simone should be booted. Brenda hopes it’s not her. I kinda hope it is. But I suppose there’s someone who deserves to get booted more.

Tyra greets the girls at panel. Sally Hershberger is the guest judge.

André Leon Talley!! André Leon Talley!!! Holy freakin’ crap. I’ve never seen him without his signature shades before. I can’t believe they got him to be a regular judge on the show. Nigel bows to him, and rightfully so. I have to think hard about who the previous judge was before I remember that it was Paulina Porizkova (by the way, I just now realized that the world has been mispronouncing her name all along. It’s actually “Pavlína Pořízková”).

Ren goes first. She’s modeling the hat, and her picture is pretty good. ALT says that she’s showing some naïvete in it, and I agree. I can’t help but to agree with ALT, except in the incident with Jennifer Hudson’s Oscar dress.

Oh, ALT. Why? WHY???

Angelea is up next, modeling shoes. ALT says he loves her makeover. Maybe he thinks she used to be a man. The judges love her pose. It’s not bad, but I just can’t stop looking at her tranny face.

Alexandra has the necklace. She’s covering herself with her hands. The judges say that the handboob seems too forced. ALT also says that he needs “ZHOOSH” and doesn’t see it in this picture. I can already see that I’m eventually going to need to start a glossary of ALT terms.

Raina’s hands are graceful in her picture. She’s modeling a ring. ALT compares her to a courtesan. Raina doesn’t know what a courtesan is and when she finds out, she’s like, “Oh.” Ha. The picture actually is quite stunning — except that the eyebrows are coming to get me.

Anslee is wearing too much crap. The judges make her take a
bunch of it off. After all the seasons that the judges have been making the girls strip at panel, you’d think they’d learn how to go minimal on the accessories. And now for her picture. ALT says he has a telescopic view of her nether regions, but she works it. Yikes.

Simone. Tyra thinks she needs to smize more. And I need to smack Tyra more. I have never in my life hated a portmanteau, but, by God, I hate this one.

Gabrielle. She looks like a scared, little kid in her pic. The judges chide her for losing her neck a lot in her pictures. Her hair, which I actually kinda like when it’s loose in all its fro-ey glory, is pulled back by a headband with a random flower on it. She looks crazycakes at panel.

Jessica is wearing a twee, little skirt, and the judges make her take it off. She actually does look more high-fashion without it. I try not to think about the fact that she’s basically wearing a tank top over pantyhose. Speaking of high-fashion, the judges think her shoot with the shorts is high-fashion. She is happy that Tyra calls her a caméléon, with a French accent. That’s French for “chameleon,” I guess.

Krista. The judges are not pleased that she didn’t wear her switch (remember, in These Happy Golden Years, when Cap Garland teases Mary Power by pulling out her bobby pins, threatening to reveal to the world that Mary’s beautiful bun was actually a switch? Ahahahaha!!!). She promises not to disobey them again.

Naduah. ALT thinks her pic looks artificial. Her giant hoop earrings make her look like she’d be better suited for a street corner in Vegas than the runways of New York and Paris.

Brenda. ALT thinks the legs are awkward in the pic. They ask Brenda about her makeover. She confesses that she was uncomfortable with it because her hair has always been her security blanket. Sally says there were lots of models whose short haircuts launched their careers, but she gives no examples. Sally is totally the type of person who talks about books she hasn’t read as though she has.

Tatianna. Her pose is sexy (a little too much so, IMO), but Tyra complains that she just did this one pose the whole time.

Alasia. They picked the photo of her doing the butt pose. Alasia cries silently. ALT says that he liked it. Nigel laughs at him. He will probably turn up dead later as a result.

ALT continues to defend Alasia’s pic, saying he would have it framed and put up in his house. Tyra asks where he’d put it, implying that it would go in the bathroom with a sign over it that says, “Don’t forget to wipe.” He shoots back that he’d put it in his salon (which sounds so much cooler when you say it with a French accent), where he and his undoubtedly FAAAAAbulous friends would talk about art and culture and who-is-this-girl-and-what-makes-this-picture-so-beautiful?? DUDE, I totally wanna hang out with ALT in his salon. Tyra looks dubious. Alasia continues to cry. It is not pretty.

The judges dismiss the hamsters so that they can deliberate.

Ren is good. They like her pose.
ALT doesn’t approve of Simone’s pose. He thinks she’s boring.
Tatianna’s pose was good. The scarf is Roberto Cavalli-ish, Gucci-ish, Dior-ish. Apparently, this scarf is the ish.
Gabrielle’s pic is unanimously panned as awful.
Jessica’s pic is unanimously lauded as amazing.
ALT likes Krista in person, but her photo was not great.
Naduah is just “meh.” But Tyra would totally buy the shades.
Alexandra’s face is retro, and they love it.
Brenda’s face is good. Her photo is so-so.
Raina. They love her body language.
Alasia. Nobody likes her pic but ALT. They make an “asset” joke.
Angelea has delicate hands, according to Nigel. ALT corrects him and says that those are powerful hands. Man-hands, I’d say.
Anslee is generally loved.

A decision is reached. The girls file back in and Tyra whispers the typical spiel. She has thirteen beautiful girls standing before her, but she only has twelve photos in her hands. These photos represent the girls that are still in the running to become America’s Next Top Model. The first photo she is going to call represents the girl who the judges think had the best photo this week. And, ooh, a twist: whatever the prize is in their next challenge, the photo winner from the previous week also gets.

Best photo this week is: Jessica. Defying her parents and offending her grandma was totally worth it!

The runner-up is Angelea. Whatever, judges. And the rest of the girls, in order:

Ren
Brenda
Simone
(She is so pretty!)
Tatianna
Anslee
Raina
Naduah
Tyra kinda mimics how she speaks and it cracks me up.
Alexandra
Krista

Gabrielle and Alasia step forward. I think it’s safe to say that Gabrielle’s a goner because: 1. ALT likes Alasia. 2. Gabrielle’s photo was legitimately awful. 3. The teasers show Alasia having a fight in this episode, so we know she sticks around. Thanks for the spoiler, show.

The anticipatory plinky piano music is very creepy. If a clown walked into the room right now, I would totally scream.

Sure enough, Alasia’s still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Model.

Gabrielle is composed — so composed that it’s kinda boring. She breaks down in confessional, though. She says that she though she would be that “one” who broke the barrier. What barrier? First biracial top model? Okay, that’s specific. Now I wanna be America’s first fat and Asian Top Model Blogger.

After eliminations, Ren is wearing an awful headwrap. First of this episode, sixth in the series! She’s got a brutal headache — so she pours herself a glass of wine. Who needs aspirin? She snits that she’s “far too intelligent” to be here. Uh, that would be belied by the fact that you are there, honey.

Tyra Mail! “Why did the model cross the road? Guess you’ll have to find out tomorrow.”

Alasia screams guesses as to what this means at the top of her lungs. Ren shoots her a dirty look. Even I am annoyed.

In the girls’ bedroom, Naduah beats the cult horse again. But she says that she wouldn’t change anything in her life because those experiences were what made her stronger. Uh, not even the sexual abuse? Thousands of girls whose lives will never be the same would beg to differ.

She says that she has standards because she refused to work for Playboy. But she is here to make money. Apparently, she has a husband, and he’s black, and she announces that as though she expects someone to hand her a prize. You’re a regular civil rights crusader, Naduah.

She says that she was living on the street for a while. Raina confessionals that she thinks Naduah’s stories have a lot of inconsistencies. She tells Naduah that she should have just done the Playboy shoot to make money and not live on the streets. Forget Playboy, how about McDonald’s? If you choose to live on the streets in the name of pursuing your dream, then don’t complain.

Brenda doesn’t believe Naduah’s story. There’s no ring on her finger, so how could she possibly be married? Your deductive reasoning amazes me. Because if she were really married, she would have to have a ring!! And she wouldn’t physically be able to take it off! In short, they think she’s a liar. Anslee doesn’t feel bad for her at all.

Clearly the girls are somewhat threatened by her because of her dramatic story — it wouldn’t be the first time that Tyra kept a contestant around because of the drama factor.

The next day, the hamsters walk up to a “white carpet” and Jay Alexander pops out from behind a table. The girls scream their approval. As usual. He informs them, “A top model must keep her timing and pace perfectly.” He shows them how to take off a coat on the runway. He’s actually really good at it. I am totally going to be unbuttoning my coat from the bottom up from now on.

The girls take turns practicing. Alexandra says that she takes criticism well because she’s had coaches in her face all her life. She’s got a thick skin because she grew up having to get yelled at all the time. Oh, and, also, she’s fat. Get it? Fat? Thick skin? See what I did there?

By the way, I should probably explain here that when I say “fat” in the context of ANTM, I only mean that she’s not a size 0. Lord knows that I’m morbidly obese by those standards. So please don’t leave angry comments about how I’m being totally unrealistic and Alexandra is NOT FAT, SHE’S BEAUTIFUL.

Anslee slouches because she has a baby, apparently. She blames her slouchiness on the fact that she basically pushes around a stroller all day. LAME!!

Jay sees potential in Ren, but I think her walk is awkward. She looks like a teenager trying on her first pair of heels and pretending to be a model when she thinks nobody’s looking.

Angelea makes fun of Alasia. Her walk is undeniably awful.

Jay introduces the next exercise: they have to walk across the street. Impossible!! They have to walk across a New York City crosswalk fiercely, whilst unbuttoning their coats, and then walk back before the light changes. The girls treat this as though this will be the most difficult challenge of their lives. They do have to do it with a bunch of pedestrians watching, though.

Jessica goes first and causes a few people to double-take. She was pretty good, I must admit.

Angelea goes next — people are staring at her, and not in a good way.

Ren complains about the challenge. If you hate this so much, then GO HOME, REN.

Brenda looks weird.

Naduah loves the attention. That’s a shock. One pedestrian thought she looked really weird. Other pedestrians think it’s too cold to take off your jacket in NY.

Tyra Mail! “Tomorrow you will really need to be in the swing of things.”

Alasia screams her guesses yet again. Ren wants Alasia to shut up, already. Ahh, this is going to be great.

The girls are at Surrogate Courthouse. There’s a runway. It’s the first runway challenge! Rachel Roy is there. She is beautiful.

The girls will be modeling Rachel Roy dresses. The winner gets to keep the garment and be featured on rachelroy.com.

The runway will have giant pendulums swinging over it. They have to walk through swinging pendulums with perfect timing. I really, really wanna see a girl get clocked. Ooh, ooh! Do you see what I did there? I am on a ROLL!

There is actually an audience for this show. And it’s actually a cool concept for a runway show.

Simone goes first. They have to go down stairs before they hit the runway. HAHA!! Simon gets clocked like Flava Flav! The crowd gasps.

Brenda looks like slouchy to me, but Jay thought it was elegant.

Angelea and Krista walk without incident.

Jessica gets clocked. She has a jacket to unbutton, and she does a good job with it.

Alasia has bright red lipstick and it’s kinda cool. She makes it through without getting hit, which is fortunate for her.

Ren staggers to avoid getting clocked. She looks very awkward all the way through.

Anslee, Tatianna, Raina, and Naduah make it through.

Alexandra’s up. She’s nervous. OOH, she falls down the stairs!! Her competitive streak picks her up, but she’s definitely shaken. “Make it fierce, make it fierce,” she tells herself. She concentrates so hard that she looks mad. She makes it to the end of the runway without incident.

And then, on her way back, she gets hit with a pendulum — that knocks her right off the runway! She skins her knee and rips the dress. Ooh, if she wins, is she going to ask for an undamaged dress?

After the show, Jay and Rachel give the girls some feedback. Alasia needs to take longer, more elegant steps. Brenda was good. Raina gets better the more she walks. Ren was too tight. Naduah pouts as she walks. When she’s effortless, she’s beautiful. That’s actually true.

Brenda wins the challenge. She will get to keep her dress AND be featured on Rachel Roy’s website. MAN, her teeth are scary. Jessica also gets to keep her dress because she won best picture last week.

They go home and Alasia screams about something and Ren finally snaps and tells her to shut the *bleep* up. Alasia exploooodes. Ugly head wrap #6! It’s the battle of the ugly head wraps. She screams at Ren, like, right in her face. Krista laughs at the shenanigans. Alasia confessionals that she hates having to snap at people like that. Hee. Because she just had to.

Alasia’s all up in Ren’s face, screaming that she will not be disrespected. She viciously throws some utensils into the sink. Someone tells Alasia to calm down, which riles her up all the more, and she continues hootin’ and hollerin’. It’s all very entertaining. She shouts that Ren needs to calm the *bleep* down, and Ren retorts, “You’re the one who’s screaming, and you’re telling me I need to calm down?” She actually as a point.

Alasia storms out, and Ren complains about Alasia to the other girls. She picks up a wooden spoon from the sink and says, “And I just had this thrown at me?” Alasia screams from the hall, “If I’d wanted to hit you with it, I would have! Because I was standing, like, two feet away from you!” AHAHAHA!!!

In confessional, Ren cries because she actually chose to live in this crazy house instead of living a normal life. Might I also remind you, Ren, that you also chose to tell Alasia to shut the *bleep* up instead of going about it in a more civil manner. Granted, Alasia would probably have blown up anyway, but at least you’d be justified in your self-righteousness if you hadn’t been rude yourself.

Alasia gets in a parting shot as she flees the scene for good, shouting, “I know where you sleep, dogg!” AHAHAHA!!! Now that’s what I love to see!!

Anslee tries to talk to Ren about the incident. She calls Ren “Chikorita,” which makes me sad because a good friend of mine who used to call me that just got married and moved away and I miss her.

Aww, I miss you, Chikorita!!

Anslee comforts Ren, but later confessionals that if Ren doesn’t want to be here, she doesn’t need to be here. I quite agree. This is America’s Next Top Model, not America’s Next Top Ungrateful Punk.

Tyra Mail! “Make your mark before you disappear.” The girls think the photoshoot may involve magic. I think they are stupider than I could have hoped.

They go to a dilapidated building. Krista says, “I don’t wanna be here! I’m scared!” I am, too, Krista. Of your face.

They go to the rooftop, where Jay Manuel meets them and explains their assignment for the day. They’ll be modeling a fragrance — it goes on as a color and then starts to fade. There will be wind and rain in the shoot.

It is not a warm day, as is evidenced by Raina’s fur hunter’s cap. As though she needs more fur on her face.

Alasia goes first and, when the water turns on, it shoots her right in the ear. Alasia says that she thinks she got water in her briain. I think so, too. She’s shivering, and they keep telling her not to look so cold.

Jessica is using the fabric beautifully.

Alexandra thinks she needs to do really well because of her runway walk. Jay is enchanted with her shoot and he calls her Cindy Crawford. This should please her since she chose to model Cindy for the shoot that got her into the house.

Or need I remind you… of this??

Anslee says Naduah thinks that Naduah knows too much. Naduah thinks people are uncomfortable around her because she’s so confident. I think it’s because she’s practicing her poses in the corner with nothing but a bra on. Weirdo.

Despite her confidence, she doesn’t do well in her photoshoot. Everything she does is contrived.

Raina gets some gorgeous shots and was Jay’s favorite of the day. She nailed the straight-on shots.

Ren is cracking up and Jay stops the shoot. “Don’t look cold,” they say.

Naduah is wearing a crazy mask in confessional. Her attitude reminds me of Elina from C15. She’s so pretentious and thinks that confidence is more important than taking a good picture.

Elina -- embodying pretention and overconfidence since Cycle 11.

Tyra Mail! Eliminations!

Ren cries in confessional (again!) that she’s not willing to give up her happiness and sanity for this. If the other girls are willing to do that, then maybe they do deserve this more than she does. And yet she persists in not quitting. I don’t understand.

Alasia says that she’s sure that everyone thinks it’ll be her. Someone asks her why she thinks that, and she replies that it’s because her walk wasn’t that good. No one dares to contradict her. Because she knows where they sleep, dogg.

Panel! We get introduced to the judges for the second time in the episode. The guest judge this time is Rachel Roy. Tyra says that Rachel is her good-luck charm because she won an Emmy in a Rachel Roy dress. Tyra won an Emmy? For what??

Alasia: ALT calls her “dreckitude” — meaning that her look at panel is a wreck. I write “dreckitude” in my ALT glossary. But Tyra loves Alasia’s picture. Interesting that they disagree on her again.

Anslee has a beautiful profile. Tyra says that she’d buy foundation from her, but it wasn’t even her color. And foundation wasn’t the product. Wasn’t it perfume?

Ren tosses out excuse after excuse. Nigel says she’s her picture looksl like it’s selling H1N1 vaccine. It does look like she’s got a really hot cold. It reminds me of this:

Krista’s pic is stunning. Except for her face! ALT compares her to Naomi Sims, which is a fair comparison.

Like Krista, but better!

Naduah — ALT isn’t feeling it. It’s manufactured drama. Tyra thinks she looks like an ad all the time, and not in a good way.

Rachel loves Tatianna. ALT likes the fragility. I think: HER TEETH!! They’re totally losing the battle. CALL IN THE ARTILLERY!!

Brenda’s photo is no good. Side lighting is not her friend. It makes her look years older. That and the hair combine to make her a little, old man.

Jessica’s shot is okay; the fabric saves her. Her face looks lame.

Angelea’s hair is a mess. Nigel counsels her to open her mouth to get a little sexy.

Alexandra — it’s a good pic, but Tyra doesn’t get it as a fragrance ad. I’d totally forgotten that this was supposed to be a fragrance ad. The other girls just did such a good job!

Simone! She’s beautiful. The judges are wowed. But ALT doesn’t think we’ve seen the real Simone, yet; he thinks she’s holding back. I’ve decided that she looks much more like Kerry Washington than like Aisha Tyler.

So pretty! And she was the best part of Save the Last Dance, which was an abysmal movie with not enough dancing.

They love Raina’s picture. I think that’s at least partially because they nuded up her lips, so she’s not looking so Jokery. Her eyes are admittedly good.

The judges deliberate. ALT calls the shoot a train wreck, but Nigel thinks it’s not bad.

Rachel really likes Krista.
Naduah is “dreckitude”. She’s average. Her pix are flat.
Tatianna looks younger that she is, unlike Brenda.
Rachel is worried that Brenda can’t take pix because she’s going to be on Rachel’s website.
ALT wants to be étonné, but wasn’t by Jessica. I looked that up; it means “surprised” in French. There’s so much more French on this show now that ALT has shown up. That’s only because I’m not counting all the English words that Tyra just says with a French accent. ALT has a Masters in French from Brown, y’all.
They talk about Angelea, and how she seems all refined in photos, but is super-ghetto in person. ALT ghettos it up by imitating Angelea’s hood-rat attitude. I feel like the truth came out just a little bit, there. He did grow up in North Carolina, after all.
Alexandra is pretty, but not remarkable.
Simone is pretty, but not remarkable.
Raina’s pic was fearless. It looked like an ad for men’s perfume. Tyra says she looks like a fierce wolf in her pic. I say, “Well, the eyebrows are about right.”
Alasia doesn’t stand out, but Tyra likes it. She says Alasia looks like she’s going to open up a can of whup-a**. Nigels christens the fragrance, “Smell of Whup-A**”. Hee.

The Spiel. Who’s the best photo?

Raina is the winner. Tyra howls at her because she looked like a fierce wolf in her pic. She makes a halfhearted attempt to howl back.
Krista is next, and she makes a shocked face. She can’t believe she’s up so high on the list. I can’t believe it, either.
Anslee
Tatianna,
who smiles with her mouth closed, probably for my benefit. I appreciate that, thank you.
Simone
Alexandra
Angelea
Alasia
— ooh, she needs to stop wearing her glasses to panel. I’m surprised that the panel hasn’t called her on it, yet.
Brenda
Jessica

Creepy, plinky clown-piano. Showdown: Ren vs. Naduah. Hmm, who will get the boot? I’m guessing Naduah, since Ren has more drama potential. Also, she was hand-picked, people!

I was right and Ren is still in the runniing to become America’s Next Top Model.

Naduah hugs Tyra and struts back to the house and cries. She feels that she didn’t get the opportunity she deserved. Because she just deserves to win. And everyone should get exactly what they deserve. And you totally deserve everything you think you deserve.

Next week on ANTM: Toccara is on the Fab Bus. Brenda and Anslee throw down.

Okay, now here’s my take on the photoshoots. Let’s start with the nekkid one. I’ve taken the liberty of clothing them, for modesty’s sake.

Yes, I am a prude. Why do you ask?

13. Gabrielle

America's Next Top Model

America's Next Top Scaredy-Cat

Why does she look afraid? This looks like a cover for a supermarket novel in which the heroine has a deep dark secret that she’s never told any of her go-go dancin’ friends. Gabrielle was rightly booted.

12. Alexandra

America's Next Top Model

Awkward! And it's not just because of the hand-boob!

Poor Alexandra just looks so painfully awkward, here. Her bent left arm is trying to tell me that she’s going for the broken-down doll look, but it ends up looking more like she just can’t get comfortable on that cube. And no wonder. A cube does not make for a comfortable piece of furniture.

11. Alasia

America's Next Top Model

BUTT SHOT!!

I’ve gotta give Alasia props for making it into ALT’s salon. That said, I cannot ignore that this is a butt shot. It’s like she’s saying, “Hello, world! This is my butt! Have you met it?” And I agree with ALT (on pain of death, in my imagination) that she’s at least taking a risk and that it’s interesting, but I really, really, really don’t think that this pose is doing the vest any favors.

10. Naduah

America's Next Top Model

Look, everyone, it's Captain Obvious!

Naduah has the opposite problem that Alasia has. Alasia forgot that she’s supposed to be selling a vest. Naduah, here, is far too aware that she is selling sunglasses. And not just selling them, but modeling them. I think I would have appreciated it more if she’d just worn them. The way she’s posing here is just a little too, “Look at these glasses! I am modeling them!! I am HIGH FASHION!!!” In short, I thought it looked really contrived.

9. Tatianna

America's Next Top Model

I'm just thankful her mouth is closed.

Tatianna’s pose here is just a little too Maxim for my tastes, although I’m sure that Tom Ford would love this shot. She does a decent job of showing off the scarf, but she looks awfully tense. Look at how big her calves are in this shot. She’s giving Alexandra a run for her plus-sized money with them calves. If she’d relaxed her feet, it might’ve been better. But I will give her extra points every time she shields me from her teeth. EVERY. TIME.

8. Angelea

America's Next Top Model

And now think about what she sounds like, and I guarantee that the picture will look uglier to you.

Okay, I’ll agree that Angelea’s right hand is gorgeous in this shot. It’s a generally good pic except for two three: first, her handboob is just as awkward as Alexandra’s was. Second, I wish her toe was pointed a bit more; it would’ve been more graceful. Third, her face. She looks so sleepy. And, also: THAT’S A MAN, baby!!

7. Brenda

America's Next Top Model

If only she were selling this dress.

This is actually a great pic. Her body is good, and her face is fierce. My only big problem with this pic is that she’s supposed to be modeling the watch — and we can’t even see the watch face in the pic. But she is doing a great job of modeling this dress I made for her.

That said, I wish they’d given Brenda this hair instead of the makeover hair they actually gave her. But, nooo, they had to have a ginger on the show.

6. Krista

America's Next Top Model

What do you mean, 'Shirts are for wearing?'

I didn’t find Krista’s legs to be awkward at all. In fact, I think that her legs in this shot are amazing. And her lounging back looks natural. But her arm clamped across her torso does not. It looks like she started getting cramps in the middle of the shoot. And, also, please tell me that she at least tried on the shirt. Please tell me that Jay suggested that she take it off and drape it over herself. Because I can think of few things stupider than modeling clothing by just holding it up to yourself.

5. Ren

America's Next Top Model

What hat?

Oh, Renona Whiner. She looks gorgeous in this pic, but she’s just not modeling the hat. It’s there, but it doesn’t look like she’s aware of it at all. I kinda wish she’d reached up to touch the brim or something, just to acknowledge its existence in the picture.

Take a lesson, Renona Whiner. This is how you model a hat:

Now, this is a hat I'd want to buy.

I just realized that every time I even see a lolcat, I think, Suck it, Rowles.

4. Anslee

America's Next Top Model

So clutch, in more ways than one.

I love this pic. It’s interesting, and her hands are natural, but pretty. My only nitpick is that I wish she weren’t looking quite so far off to the right — from far away, I feel like all I can see is the whites of her eyes, which is scary. But I think she took a heck of a great pic. Good for her.

3. Simone

America's Next Top Model

I so want this jacket.

Now, Simone’s eyes are closer to where I wish Anslee’s had been. Her face and her pose are so elegant in this pic. And I want, want, want that jacket. I didn’t quite see why the judges thought it was so boring; I thought it was gorgeous. But I guess that’s why I’m not the Editor-at-Large of Vogue.

2. Raina

America's Next Top Model

Okay, I admit, it's a good picture. I can be a grown-up about -- EYEBROWSEYEBROWSEYEBROWS!!!

Okay, even I have to admit that Ol’ Eyebrows pulled it out for this pic. Her body is absolutely amazing in this pic, and the pose is just so elegant — perfect for modeling that ring. And I am also quite proud of the li’l dress I made her, and she is modeling it beautifully. My only tiny nitpick is that her eyes look a wee bit sleepy. But I’ll just blame that on The Eyebrows and move on (before The Eyebrows come for me).

1. Jessica

America's Next Top Model

I so want this jacket.

This picture is just amazing. There are all kinds of angles going on here, her neck looks looooooooong, and there’s a life and vibrancy to this pic that just grabs me. Jessica’s family should be proud, in a shameful kinda way.

And now for the colored fragrance pix, which, by the way: what the heck is the point of a colored fragrance that fades? Because I sometimes want to walk around with a purple splotch on my neck that dribbles into my dress and then gradually fades? Another win for the Useless Product Board of America.

Anyhoots, here’s my take on the pix:

12. Tatianna

America's Next Top Model

F-f-f-f-ierce? How about T-t-t-t-t-TEEF??

Tatianna WHAT did I just tell you about your mouth? KEEP. IT. CLOSED.

And Jay kept making such a fuss about the girls not looking cold in their pictures. And the first thing I thought when I saw this picture was, “She looks cold.” And her teeth are totally trying to bury themselves in my flesh to keep warm. *shudder*

11. Brenda

America's Next Top Model

Too bad for Brenda that the 80s are over.

Drop the “c” in “cold” and what do you get? OLD. And that’s what Brenda looks here. She looks about thirty compared to the other girls. She doesn’t look quite as nasty as Tatianna, but she still looks nasty to me, somehow. And her pose is so boring.

I can see why Rachel Roy was so concerned about Brenda winning a spot on Rachel’s website. I can just imagine Rachel thinking, This is Rachel Roy, not Talbot’s!!

10. Ren

America's Next Top Model

I'b DOT sick!!

The judges hit the nail on the head here when they said Renona Whiner looks like she’s selling H1N1 vaccine, here. Except that no one would ever do something stupid like make the vaccine purple for no good reason. And why is she doing the “vogue” here? It makes no sense to me.

9. Angelea

America's Next Top Model

I hate when the cat makes a kill and leaves it on my doorstep.

Okay, so I kinda have to give Angelea some slack because Jay was the one who kept telling her that the shots with hair in her face looked good. All the same, that does not change the fact that she looks like something the cat dragged in. She looks like she got caught in a sudden rainstorm, and not in the cutesy, romantic-comedy-first-kiss kind of way.

8. Alexandra

America's Next Top Model

Photoshoots are like the prom -- it's not good when things start getting too handsy.

Alexandra’s face is actually good here. But I don’t get what’s with her and the hand. It’s like her hand is the devil and she’s cut a deal with it to get a modeling career, but part of the deal is that she has to include it in every single shot, no matter how awkward it makes the shot. Hmm, that might be an interesting premise for a movie.

What? If people payed to see Norbit, why wouldn’t they pay to see AlexHANDra?

7. Naduah

America's Next Top Model

I! AM! A! MODEL!!

Here’s the thing with Naduah. I actually think this is a decent pic. But she just tries way too hard. Every shot is like she’s beating us over the head with her modeling. Every pose is so contrived. I used to wonder what the judges meant when they said a model was overthinking it, and now I know what it means. It means this. Naduah tries so hard to be all modelly, and we end up with an artificially modelly pic.

Did she do the worst? I don’t think so, but I’m not disappointed that she’s gone. She never would have won, and I’m rather glad that I won’t have to put up with her sense of entitlement and her “confidence” all cycle.

6. Krista

America's Next Top Model

Meh.

I have no idea why the judges went so gaga for this picture. It was okay, I guess, but she looks like she’s playing chess with you, and she’s waiting for you to make your move. And she doesn’t even look like she’s the type of player who’s trying to anticipate your move because she’s thinking three moves ahead. She just looks like she wants the stinking game to be over so that you guys can play Connect Four like she wanted to in the first place.

5. Alasia

America's Next Top Model

This is fierce with ferocity.

This picture scares me. Yet, I can’t stop looking at it. She looks like she’s telling me, “You should buy this perfume… if you know what’s good for you.” But there’s a wild quality to it that I kind of like.

4. Jessica

America's Next Top Model

ZHOOSH!!

It’s a pity that Jessica’s face couldn’t live up to the ossom that is the fabric in this pic. It really is amazing, and if she could have gotten her face not to look so much like she’s trying to figure out if that guy at the mall is the guy she has a crush on or some other random dude that she’s about to have a crush on, it could’ve been something else. I think if she’d parted her lips, that would’ve made a world of difference. Still, she gets points for utilizing the fabric. Jessica’s really good at taking photos with a lot of energy.

3. Anslee

America's Next Top Model

Action shot!

This pic captures the motion that Jessica was trying to convey with the fabric. Her jawline is absolutely striking in this pic, and her skin looks flawless. My only small nitpick is that her hand looks really stationary, like she forgot that it was in the frame. If she keeps that in mind in the future, she’ll give Jessica a run for her money for the most dynamic shots.

2. Raina

America's Next Top Model

Nude lipstick is her savior.

Okay, I’ll admit it. The Eyebrows actually really work, here. Tyra said that she looks like a wolf in this pic, and there certainly is a fierce, animal quality to her. This is a fragrance ad that would make me look twice. But I don’t really care for musky scents, and that’s what it looks like she’s selling, to me.

1. Simone

America's Next Top Model

SERENITY NOW!!

I love this pic of Simone. Because of the cold, all of the other girls tried to translate their shivers into ferocity and animal energy. Simone somehow managed to turn it into a romantic shot. She looks so wistful here, like she’s thinking about the wonder that was her first love. Madd propz to her for being able to convey that, despite all the water squirting about.

The photoshoots have been… rather pedestrian so far. I hope they liven up the themes of the shoots in future episodes. Come on, ANTM, let’s up the ante!

So what did you think? Agree? Disagree?

America’s Next Top Model, C14E01 Recap: “Be My Friend, Tyra!”

Confession: I have an unhealthy love for “America’s Next Top Model.” I started watching in Season — excuse me, Cycle Two and haven’t missed a cycle since.

The only only thing that detracts from my enjoyment of the show is that I don’t have anyone to complain about the delicious ridiculosity of the show with. But that’s what the internet is for, right? I am so totally going to recap every episode I get to watch.

Ostensibly, the purpose of this blog is to review books for Cannonball Read and possibly show off my writing chops to potential clients. But who am I kidding? This feature is for me. Just for me.

By the way, consider this a spoiler warning for the rest of the season cycle . Obviously, since this is a recap, I’m going to give away who makes it and who doesn’t.

Not that the pictures of the finalists aren’t already up on the CW website, either.

Vielen Dank to Intern Rusty, by the way. It’s only thanks to Pajiba After Dark that I was even aware that it was premiering tonight. Thanks, Rusty!

Here we go!

So, André Leon Talley is joining the judging panel and, I have to admit, that’s pretty schweet. And I’m rather excited. There are going to be a lot of capes this season, ladies.

First look at the hamsters. I’m just going to go contestant by contestant and try to cluster all of my comments about them until the first cut.

And here’s Tyra. I must admit, Tyra is lookin’ guuuuooooood. Didn’t nobody ever say girlfriend wasn’t FEEEEEAAAAHHCE. But a cutout blazer? I’m sure The Fug Girls are faint with horror.

Ooh, I really love Jay Manuel’s suit. And I really hate Jay Alexander’s wig.

OMG, it’s ANGELEA FROM LAST SEASON. Dude, does Tyra pick the ghettoest girls on purpose or WHAT? And she is just as abrasive and arrogant as last year. And just as plain, too. She says that she’s done some research since last Cycle. Okay, so you know one model and you mispronounced “Givenchy.” Anyone with access to the internet can do that.

Naduah. She sounds vaguely Australian to me, but says that her accent is funky because her parents are from all over Europe. Speaking of those lovely people, she was born into a cult where she was sexually abused as a child. MAN, that cult was messed up. She’s got a Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta vibe. Like, in a good way. She is beautiful. Aww, she drew a portrait of Tyra, which Tyra claims she’s going to frame. Yeah, she’s going to frame it. Frame it with the garbage can. Excuse me, the recycle bin. Tyra is all about going green, people! Seriously, that sucks about Naduah’s childhood, though.

Bald can be pretty tasty.

Danielle. Danielle has a lot of face piercings. She says that you don’t have to look “cookie cutter” to be a model. Honey, a few piercings does not an “original look” make. She’s trying to look very tough and hard, but her demeanor is so painfully mousy. She says she’s edgy, but she acts so awkward and uncomfortable that it makes me want to strap her to a yardstick to make her stand up straight.

Hallie. Hallie informs us, “I am a spoiled brat.” Yes. Yes, you are, indeed. She looks like Kate Mara. Later, she stands off to the side gossipping with Danielle. I’m sure that she hooked her claws in poor, mousy Danielle and prevented her from making friends with anyone else. She’s picking out all the people she doesn’t like and obviously pointing them out to Danielle. Those other girls are totally going to notice this and hate her and, collaterally, Danielle for it. She explains to Danielle that “we Southern girls are classy” enough not to be trash. Yes, Hallie. Ragging on people right in front of them isn’t trashy at all. And everyone know that a trailer park accent just screams high society.

Another talentless girl, but in ginger.

Gabrielle. She dives right in with this li’l gem: “I stand out from the other girls because I’m biracial. I can pass as black. I can pass as white.” Uh, you can pass as a skank. What is with this girl and her obsession with being biracial? AHAHAHA… she just informed Angelea: “We’re both gonna make it, or only one of us is gonna make it.” Duh, honey. Duh.

And it’s right back to the biracial thing. Dude, she is OBSESSED. She tries not to cry as she confesses to Tyra that people make ignorant comments about her dad not being her dad or her sister being adopted. Yeah, people make ignorant remarks. You’ve made quite a few already. They ask her if she thinks Angelea is her competition. She honestly replies that she does. At least she was honest.

Simone. She’s cute in a wholesome way (which, after some of these hood rats, I could use), but she’s a li’l too beauty pageant. She looks a little like Aisha Tyler. Oh, and she’s experienced being an outsider because she’s, like, totally the only girl in her sorority that’s black. She says that she wants to be either a Victoria’s Secret model… or Hilary Clinton. Okay, I know that beauty and brains aren’t mutually exclusive as a rule, but in this case, she’s kinda boxed herself in. I’m going to take a wild guess and say that the whole Hilary Clinton probably ain’t gonna work out.

Is this the future of American politics? I'm gonna guess that it's not.

Raina. Good God, those eyebrows!!! She’s talking about how she had buck teeth as a kid, but it’s her EYEBROWS that she needs to worry about. MY GOD, and her lips in the Polaroid!! “I was not a pretty kid at all” — and still ain’t, really. Good God, those brows. They are trying to take over her face. And succeeding, a little bit.

Jessica. We’ve got another Texas beauty pageant queen. She’s pretty, but not really memorable to me.

Brenda. She’s this Cycle‘s requisite ginger. The way she talks reminds me of somebody, but I can’t figure out who. Her teeth scare me.

Alasia. Apparently, she became a Christian a few years ago. At which point God apparently told her to lie to her church leaders and run off to sell her soul to television. She’s trying to quote a verse. She says it’s “Galatians 20… Galations 20…” It’s Galatians 2:20, honey. Despite that, I like her.. She’s totally this season’s Cycle’s funny hood rat. You know, like Dionne from Cycle 8. Man, she was so funny. I loved her.


Funny hood rats are the best kind!

Krista. She’s clearly this year’s cycle’s mean girl. She’s pretty urrrgly, too. She says that she’s a fierce competitor, and she’s “hungry.” I know you’re hungry, honey. That’s why you’re so skinny.

Aimee. She looks kinda like Blake Lively — until she bares her scary teeth. Apparently, she sings, so Tyra asks her to sing an impromptu song. Tyra warbles, “Whyyyy do you waaant to beeee a tooop mooooodeelllll?” And Aimee trills back, “Beecaauuuse it woul beeee a verrry niiice thiiiing to dooooooo.” Okay, she’s not going to make her living as a songwriter, that’s fo sho.

Triple threat: model, singer, songwriter. Not that she's good at any of them. Just that she does them.

Tatiana. This girl has quite a gummy smile. WOW, so gummy. It keeps getting gummier and gummier. I am afraid.

There’s an uncomfortable level of bad chompers in this competition.

Jeanna. OOH, I kinda love Jeanna. I love plus-sized models and their plus-sized personalities. They shouldn’t win, though, unless they actually outmodel the other girls (unlike Whitney from Cycle 10. Who, by the way, is not only not a worthy winner — whatever that really means — but, by some accounts, is not really a plus-sized model).

If this is America's Next Top Model, then I'll eat my hat. Or Whitney will eat it for me because, GEEZ, she's starving.


Moving on.

Nida. She is Pakistani and GAWGEOUS. And girlfriend has a sick bod. She wants to show other Pakistani girls whose parents disapprove of her “career choice” as her parents do that they, too, can make their parents regret sacrificing everything to move to America by stripping down to their skivvies for fifteen minutes of fame.

Alexandra. Her body is pretty sick, I’ll admit, but she’s the kind of plus-sized model I hate — the kind who has no real personality aside from “yeah, I’m a big girl, and I was captain of the cheerleading squad and Homecoming Queen and graduated top of my class and I can do everything to compensate for the fact that I love cheeseburgers.”

Speaking of which:

That’s right, Rowles. You can’t touch me in my own domain.

Anslee. She reminds me a little of Cassandra from Cycle 5. She’s pretty, but not all that memorable. She says she is fierce and then tries to prove it with some scary poses.

QUITTER!!

Okay, so we’ve got our first elimination coming up. Oh, Alasia. You are hilariously stupid and I hope you make it through.

The girls are told that they can check and see if they’ve made the first cut. There is lots of screaming and pushing and running to computer screens to rock music.

Aww, Nida was declined, but she’s handling it like a pro. And mousy Danielle didn’t have the personality to make it through, despite all the piercings and tats. She is handling the news quite badly. She sinks dramatically to the floor and — oh, and they have to blur out her London/France region. And — NOOOO. Girl, NOOOO. Never sink dramatically to the floor in a miniskirt. But I feel bad for the poor girl. She seems like the kind who will cut herself and start working in sleazy bars because she isn’t “good enough.” Honey, maybe you’re not good enough for “ANTM”, but that just means you’re still good enough for law school. Or Walmart.

So who’s left?

Raina’s eyebrows tell me that she must go home while her mouth tells me that she must not. I am sure that this means that she made it all the way to the house.

Now the remaining candidates have to do a photoshoot in which they have to evoke a supermodel. They are to do their own makeup to look like the supermodel they’ve chosen.

Hallie smugly announces that she is going to be Vlada Roslyakova. I’m sure she pored over a lot of fashion mags before finally deciding that Vlada’s last name was long enough to impress the Jays. Her shoot is mediocre at best.

You'll have to do more than correctly pronounce her last name to impress ME.

Angelea decides to go with Agyness Deyn, who is so not like Angelea that it makes me laugh. You see, sometimes, when you compare yourself to someone who is miles better than you, it makes you seem like an utter amateur.

Just like Angelea, but blonde. Oh, and she can model.

Ooh, and there is lots of awkward posing going on. This is so not pretty.

Tatiana picks Ed Hardy’s Tart of the Year, Megan Fox, who is decidedly not a model. The Jays purse their lips and berate her for failing to choose an actual model. “This isn’t America’s Next Top Celebrity,” chides Jay Manuel. Notice that he didn’t say, “This isn’t America’s Next Top Actress,” either.

It's sad when looks and talent are inversely related.

Angelea judges Tatiana for not knowing better than to choose Megan Fox. I then judge Angelea for the ridiculous purple outfit she has on.

Alasia chooses Naomi Campbell, because that is apparently the only black model she can think of. The Jays call her on this, exclaiming that “Naomi would neh-vurr pose like this,” with her arms over her head. They ask Alasia to name her favorite campaign of Naomi’s. Alasia is embarrassed because she can’t think of a single one except for “buhbuhbuh…” She should have thrown a phone at the Jays and made a mad dash for the exit.

Can YOU name your favorite Naomi ad campaign?

Krista smugly judges Alasia for not knowing more about Naomi Campbell and I can’t wait for her to fall flat on her face doing something. Because you know that’s gonna happen eventually. Because this is “ANTM”.

Oh, Alexandra. She’s chosen Cindy Crawford and, to make that clear to everyone on Mars, she has drawn a giant mole on her face. It looks more Fred Savage in Goldmember than Cindy Crawford. Cindy would not approve. But, apparently, she does a good job of asking herself, “What would Cindy do?” because she nails the Cindylike poses.

But, still:

I mean, come on.

Gabrielle chooses Freja Beha Erichsen, which is actually a pretty good choice — she kinda looks like her and is able to pose like her. Somebody actually did do her homework.

Freja Beha Erichsen: ur doin it rite.

Krista is next and takes the easy way out by choosing Giselle. Jay says that she’s doing it well by arching her back. I say she could be doing any number of celebrities on the red carpet.

It doesn't take a genius.

Naduah picks Kate Moss, and she does it rather well. They have a similar waifishness. And, possibly, coke habit.

Well, coke is good for keeping skinny, I guess.

Finally, Raina chooses Adriana Lima. They have nothing in common but their eyes, which have a similar intensity — powerful in Adriana; just plain scary in Raina.

You have no idea how difficult it was for me to find a semi-modest picture of this woman.

Poor Alasia. I need you to stay in for the comic relief. I hope you stay.

Tyra and the Jays get together to talk about final cuts. Once again, Tyra is looking hott.

They think Alasia’s profile pic is weak senior photo. They are correct.

Alexandra’s shot is bad; she’s going for a slouchy look, but it makes her
paunch look quite paunchy.

They talk about the “planes” of Angelea’s face. I think it’s more like the “plains” of her face because she doesn’t look at all remarkable to me. But that might partially be influenced by the fact that I’ve also heard her speak.

EWWW, Anslee’s profile pic is nasty. Her supermodel pic is decent, but unremarkable.

Jay says that he loves Brenda’s body. But her legs be lookin’ SHAWT to me.

Gabrielle impressed Jay. Her walk was good, and she seemed to know a lot about fashion. I actually have to agree.

They think that Hallie’s look is not fresh. Got that right, Tyra. In some of these shots, she looks about forty.

I love Jeanna’s personality, but the judges think that her photos were “meh,” and I have to agree.

They call Jessica a pageant girl (called it!) and wonder if she can be made edgy. Groan, that means she’s most likely in.

Simone’s model photo is not bad. Once again, I think she’s cute. But she probably won’t win.

The judges like Krista’s walk and personality. Her model shoot is decent, but her face is le nasty.

Naduah pretty much nailed it. Shoo in! She probably won’t win, though. And the fact that I think she’s pretty good more or less clinches that.

Raina — very Teen Magazine. That’s who she looks like: DENISE RICHARDS! Sarina knows what I’m talking about. But, unlike Denise Richards, girlfriend has no waist. Scary.

Even in the 80s, these eyebrows scared the crap outta me.

Tatiana’s hair be GREASY. The judges have concerns about her not taking modeling “seriously.” As seriously as you take yourselves? No, probably not.

I must be fully under the sway of the show because Ms. Jay’s ginormo rosette is starting to look kinda cool to me.

TYRA, you look SO GOOD. I’m as shocked as anyone.

So here’s our in list:

Naduah
Jessica
— but there’s no way she’s making it all the way. Lord, Angelea’s already crying. They’ve only called two people.
Simone
Raina.
Tyra keeps getting whisperier and whisperier.
Tatiana. Man, those canines are scary.
Alexandra. MEH.
Krista. She cries. Apparently, she’s been trying out since Cycle 1, which I find kind of pathetic. That also means that girlfriend must be pretty old.
Brenda. When she cries, she’s all red, as Josie Pye once said to Anne Shirley.
Alasia — YAY! It’s going to be a funny season!
Anslee cries and is generally unremarkable.
Gabrielle. Which, of course, means that Angelea’s in. Guaranteed catfights, y’all! Aww, I’m sad that Jeanna’s not in. Well, as sad as you can be for someone you’ve only seen on TV for, like, three minutes.
And, sure enough, our last contestant is Angelea.

I’m so glad Hallie’s not in. There’s only so much pettiness i can handle in one season, and Krista and Angelea are sure to provide plenty of drama on their own.

Hallie’s sure that she should have made it. That makes me guffaw. Aimee’s scary teeth faintly attempt a lame song: “Goodbyeeeeee; it was niiiiice — ” and then the camera cuts her off. I wouldn’t bank on that post-ANTM music career, honey.

The hamsters will be going to NYC, where a new girl will be handpicked to join them. New girl? Hmm, interesting. Upon hearing this, all of the girls look apprehensive. They are all dreading the devil they don’t know. But, for now, they celebrate their momentary victory. Awkward dancing ensues.

OOH, the premiere is 90 minutes long?? I’ve gotta go and record “Modern Family” (if you’re not watching it, begin doing so IMMEDIATELY. This show is TEH OSSOM).

Jessica had make a lot of sacrifices to come on ANTM. She had to leave her husband and baby behind. And yet she found room in her suitcase for the ugly hat she’s wearing.

Gabrielle has an ugly head wrap. So does Angelea. Is this the Cycle of the Ugly Headgear? It’s like bad hat after bad head wrap after bad head wrap, here.

Oh, who am I kidding? It’s always the Cycle of the Ugly Headgear.

The girls meet at Madame Tussaud’s in NYC. Simone pronounces “Tussaud” correctly, and I am impressed. They are greeted by a creepy wax figure of Johnny Depp. A man then comes up and starts snapping pictures of them.

OH, GOD, it’s that tool, Perez Hilton. Only a few of the girls recognize him and they halfheartedly scream in glee/fear. His hot pink sweater hurts my eyes. Johnny Depps’ wax figure does not approve. And he mispronounces “TOO-SOD.” I do not approve.

Anslee’s got an ugly head wrap. That’s four so far.

We flash back to footage of “The Tyra Show” that shows Tyra’s interview with Perez. They made a deal: if Tyra let him come on “ANTM”, he can’t cover celebrities’ kids for six months. Why do you care, Tyra? You ain’t got none. And yo hair in that clip is nasty.

Inside Madame Tussaud’s (aside: someone comments that wax figures freak her out. I am inclined to agree), the girls meet the final contestant: Ren. She’s twenty-two years old and from Dallas and she’s a “free spirit” who “can’t be caged.” She is Winona Ryder circa Heathers. I kinda hope she’s been planted there like a mole, to tattle on the girls to the judges. OOH, or unintentionally kills them!

Keep an eye on your valuables, girls!

Perez tells them they need work. “Look in the mirror,” I growl under my breath. “I want fierce” he blahs unconvincingly. Makeovers.

They pile into the ANTM limo. I hate limos. They’re so uncomfortable to get in and out of. But I do love pillows, and this limo is festooned with them. The arrive at the Sally Hershberger Salon.

Jay Manuel is wearing a bow tie. It is quite twee. He tells them where they are. They cheer. I’m sure they have no idea who she is. Especially Alasia, haha.

Gabrielle says that she is ready for whatever they throw at her, and that she wouldn’t mind looking like Dennis Rodman. Oh, honey, be careful what you wish for.

Is this really what you want, Gabrielle? REALLY?

Anslee nervously confesses that she doesn’t want her hair cut. BWAHAHAHA. This is Cycle 14; don’t you know better than to say that?

Once more for good measure: I can’t get over how good Tyra looks. Looks like someone cut back on her baby back rib intake.

Here are the makeovers:

Ren gets edged out with a fringy cut. Transformation to Winona Ryder 95% complete. She just went from 1989 Winona to 1994 Winona. OH, GOOD GOD. Her armpits!! NOOOOO!!!! Ren claims that she never shaves her pits in support of women’s rights. Her logic is just stunning. Ren’s support of women’s rights drift gently down to the salon floor with her pit hair. She looks good afterwards, though. Very Shalom Harlow.

Will she shoplift the title of America's Next Top Model?

Gabrielle is now very blond. Kinda like Foxy Cleopatra, but not as fierce.

I kinda dig this hair.

Krista’s up next. According to Tyra, her cheekbones will CUTCHA. I’m sure that she will cut you in a more direct way if you cross her. She gets a fake clip-in ponytail. Boring. Ooh, she makes a face — she doesn’t like it. But Tyra is feeling magnanimous and doesn’t punish her for questioning Tyra’s omniscient judgment by shaving the girl’s head. I kind of wish they had, though. That would’ve been fun.

Alexandra gets “fiercely real hair” to go with her fiercely real body. Basically, she gets a few highlights and a blowout. That’s not a makeover. That’s a touch-up. Her lipstick is pale and atrocious.

Simone’s current look is too safe and needs some edge. I actually agree. The sides of her head are shaved, and she actually looks GREAT. She looks — dare I say it? Fierce.

Brenda becomes Ugly Head Wrap #5. Tyra thinks she’s too sexy, so they’re going to cut her hair. And, of course, she cries. You know, the last few Cycles, we haven’t had all that many criers. I was starting to miss it. Brenda’s hair is short like Halle Berry’s. They comfort her by telling her, “Your hair made you look a little older.” And now she looks a little more masculine.

Would you like this better in ginger? I wouldn't.

Angelea judges her for crying over the haircut. I promptly judge Angelea for her ugly head wrap. Judge not lest ye be judged, Angelea.

Brenda thinks her hair was her best asset. She looks scary in her pic, but not because of her hair. It’s because of her face.

And now for Naduah. Ooh, it’s ANASTASIA, of professional eyebrow fame. Oh, no, they made her eyebrows peed-on-snow blonde. I hope she can carry that off. Naduah flogs the cult horse again. I’m sure she’ll be hard-pressed not to talk about it. But she is striking. I wish they hadn’t washed out her lips, though. They look dry.

Angelea gets a long, blonde weave, a la Heidi Klum. She looks great — until you see her face, and then hear her talking about how FIIIIEEEEERCE she looks. Proof positive that you can take the girl out the ghetto but you can’t take the ghetto out the girl.

Raina is getting “chocolate locks” (a look I actually love), but they are not touching her Martin Scorcese brows because Tyra loves them. She does look better, though. They give her lips like the Joker. Like, Jack Nicholson Joker, too.

Wait 'til they get a load of ME.

Alasia is gonna be ferocious. She gets curls, and she looks so cute. It actually looks good. She gushes that she looks girly because her hair is curly. She then explodes with enthusiasm because girly and curly rhyme.

Anslee cries as she realizes they’re going to cut off all her hair. But, ooh, she looks good. She sees high fashion in the ‘do, which Jay also does, and so do i. Her new hair is GREAT.

Tatiana is getting a gold weave. She looks very generic except for the black lipstick they give her in the photoshoot.

Jessica gets chocolate brown, too, and the color is great on her. It doesn’t do much to distinguish her, from the crowd, though. She’s still a generic beauty queen.

Now that the makeovers are done, the girls move into the loft.

Alasia remarks, “That crib is ill.” She wants to have a rave in the tub. I’m sure she would, too.

Angelea is looking… not good. The hair just accentuates her ghetto fabulosity, and not in a good way.

Anslee looks like a chemo patient when she pulls her hair back. She should leave it in her face.

Angelea is already stirring up trouble with Anslee about closet space. So we’ve got one conflict so far and the girls have been in loft for about fifteen minutes. Way to assert your dominance, Angelea!

The girls eat breakfast and are tensely quiet. Brenda complains about the negativity that Angelea brings. She gripes, “We don’t need that in the competition right now,” as though there might be other times at which Angelea’s negativity would be more conveniently received.

Angelea demonstrates what she calls the “b****, please” look to us. Multiple times. I realize that this is how I’ve been looking at Angelea every time she’s onscreen.

Alasia takes Angelea to task for being mean to Brenda. Krista conveniently walks by and forces her way into the conversation.

Ren complains about the fighting. She actually CRIES about it.

Angelea condescendingly informs Alasia that she’s young and accuses Alasia of judging Angelea before gettin to know her. That’s rich, considering how many times I’ve already had to judge Angelea for judging the other girls.

Alasia declares that she won’t hang out with Angelea and Krista. Krista accuses Alasia of being fake. She has pre-judged Alasia. Alasia gets mad. She says that she’s getting her “chocolate a**” outta there, and it’s quite hilarious.

Krista and Angelea self-righteously shake their heads at Alasia’s immature behavior. Krista bemoans it in particular because she and Alasia are the only “chocolate” girls in the competition. And now I totally want to eat one of the three chocolate roses that my sister got from the kids in her classroom for Valentine’s Day.

That’s two fights for Angelea in the first episode, and one each for Anslee and Alasia. Jessica says, “It’s not cool to fight.” This tickles me immensely for some reason, and I teehee about it for a good, long while.

Tyra Mail! “Top models get maximum exposure. You must learn how to cover yourself.” Is this another makeup challenge? Or are they modeling Snuggies?

First photoshoot. How long is this show? It’s gonna take a while to finish a photoshoot, and it’s almost 9:30 already. They’re going to be modeling pieces by Custo Barcelona. Modeling them for whom?

Jay shows them a mannequin with a bunch of clothes and accessories draped all over it. The challenge is this: each girl gets to pick one item and wear it for the shoot — but that’s all they’ll be wearing. It’s a nudie shoot! And it’s over! Ahh, that was satisfying.

Next week: the nude photoshoot. Alasia gets into her second fight (third fight overall). Her victim is Ren. I’m sure it’ll be ghettotastic.

And now that the episode is over, here is a rundown of the makeover photos. I’ve ranked them from lowest to highest in my opinion. I’ve also taken the liberty of using MS Paint to make the outfits a little more modest — and, in my opinion, a little cuter because Lord knows that the high-cut leotard should stay in the annals of 80s history, where it belongs.

I judged these based on how much the makeover improved the girl’s look, as well as how well the girl pulls off the new look in the photo.

13. Brenda.

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Guess someone stole her Lucky Charms.

They gave the poor girl a boy cut, and wardrobe made the unfortunate to dress her in green. Now she looks like a tranny leprechaun dancing back-up in a Jane Fonda workout video from the 80s.

12. Krista

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Quick, somebody call He-Man!!

You can’t just slap a ponytail on Skeletor and call it “high fashion.” She’s so skinny that I’m afraid she’s going to try to eat me.

11. Alexandra

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Business in the front... business in the front.

Alexandra is lucky that I painted over these photos because this nice, black skirt covers the unfortunate things that those shiny, red tights were doing to her real-woman thighs.

Her “real woman hair” is just boring to me.

10. Angelea

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

A good photographer makes a world of difference.

Angelea actually looks much better in this photo than she did in the rest of the episode. Here, her hair just looks sleek and straight. In other portions, it looked stringy and very much like a bad wig. Even so, she still looks like a tranny.

9. Tatiana

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Just be thankful she's not smiling.

Tatiana’s blonde makeover was boring, but still an improvement on the stringy hair she was previously sporting. But can we stop talking makeovers for a second and talk about gums? Being the oral hygiene freak I am, I know that gum recession is a serious problem. But Tatiana’s got the opposite problem, here. If her gums continue to aggressively attack her teeth, she may not be able to chew her food for much longer.

8. Raina

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

This is the Joker pic I was talking about earlier. You need to see the close-up to see how Jokery her lips really look in this pic. That said, I think the dark hair suits her better than the blonde did, particularly because they don’t dare to contradict her eyebrows the way her blonde hair did. I’m a little sad that her hair didn’t win its battle against The Eyebrows, but there’s little you can do to fight evil in its purest form.

7. Naduah

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Somebody get this girl some lip balm, STAT!

I actually love Naduah’s look. But she looks awkward in this pic, and the fact that they gave her peed-on-snow blonde eyebrows makes me sad for her.

6. Jessica

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Who designed that adorable dress?

So, I like Jessica better with brown hair. But chocolate locks aren’t enough to edge out a beauty queen, really. And my favorite thing about this picture is how cute the dress I made her is. I would totally buy this dress.

5. Alasia

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

I feel girly when my hair is curly!

Alasia’s hair looks cute; much better than the funkiness she was rockin’ earlier. And I just love how hilarious she is, so she gets to be in the middle of the pack by default.

4. Anslee

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Cassandra gone right.

I love Anslee’s hair. It looks SO much better short and blonde. I feel like ANTM finally accomplished what it set out to do to Cassandra in Cycle 5. Oh, ANTM. I’m so proud of you!

3. Gabrielle

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Biracial! Biracial! Biracial!!

I’m sure Gabrielle is thrilled with her new makeover. It’s the height of biraciality — the blonde fro. And I have to admit, girlfriend is wearing it well. She looks good here; it’s one of the better pictures.

2. Ren

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Girl, interrupting.

For all the whining and moaning I did about Renona Ryder, I have to admit that she has a Look, and it’s quite stunning. She looks great with her new hair, and is ROCKIN’ the ruby red lipstick. And the li’l dress I made her looks FABULOUS on her, too. Forget ANTM, I should start watching more “Project Runway”!

1. Simone

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Hotness.

I love this look. I love Simone’s new hair — it totally does away with the “pageant queen” vibe I was getting from her before. She’s totally rockin’ it out, and she looks amazing. And the li’l red number I made her is HOTT. I would totally buy this one, too.

So that’s it for my opinions this week. I have so many opinions that it took me a full two days to write them all out, but it was a heck of a lot of fun, so I’m satisfied.

I can’t wait until next week!!