Posts Tagged ‘photos’

America’s Next Top Model, C14E09 Recap: “Hobbits vs. Models”

Last week: The girls got to New Zealand and went on go-sees. ALT’s salon princess, Alasia, got the boot.

Who’s gettin’ the boot this week?

Raina congratulates the rest of the girls for making the Top Five. She is sooo fake.

Alexandra says she needs to take out all of these “skinny tarts.” She inexplicably says she’s like Donkey Kong. Draw your own inferences there.

Jessica knows that she needs to work harder to look “more fierce.” Good luck with that, catalog honey.

Krista’s picture is up in the hamsters’ apartment. The other girls are clearly jealous as Krista cheers for herself.

Krista declares: “I’m gonna run right past ’em and throw a deuce up at ’em.” Uh, I hope she means a peace sign and not the deuce I’m thinkin’ of.

Sorry, but this is just where my mind goes when I hear the word "deuce."

Angelea can’t understand why Krista keeps getting #1. She says she’s not as close to Krista as she used to be, and she thinks it’s because the competition’s getting more serious. Uh, you think? Could it be possible that you guys are hating on each other because you don’t want your friend to get what you want so badly?

It certainly wouldn’t be the first time that a competition ruined a friendship. Not that I’d call a relationship formed on ANTM a “friendship,” really.

Jessica starts talking about the fam. I guess that means she’s getting the boot this week. She talks about missing them and, in an attempt to get more of a “homey” feeling in the loft, she decides to make tacos for everyone.

Jessica tries to warm taco shells on top of the toaster and ends up starting a fire. The girls freak out. If this weren’t such an obviously staged fire, they would all sooooo be dead.

I know of at least one person who wouldn't have approved how all of this went down.

Krista and Alexandra, who are suddenly BFF, mercilessly tease Jessica for failing to make tacos without starting a ginormo fire. Jessica will never try to cook again. Sorry, husband and child. You’ll have to either get super-skinny from not eating or super-fat from eating out all the time.

Krista grills Jessica about not cooking at home. She says that she just makes side dishes. Krista asks her if she works, and she admits that she’s a stay-at-home mom. Yet, she doesn’t cook. Krista and Alexandra seem to think that a mom must have plenty of time to cook every day because taking care of a baby is easy! Morons.

“Your baby is totally screwed,” comments Krista. Alexandra calls her an idiot. It’s quite ignorant and mean. But Jessica is also ignorant and occasionally mean, so that’s moot.

Tyra Mail! “Who says you can’t fit a square peg into a round hole? Love Tyra!”

They don’t understand what this means, and Raina recites it from memory as they drive to the site. “My name is Raina and I know everything word for word,” mimics Alexandra in a high-pitched voice. Krista and Alexandra are totally antagonizing the rest of the girls., and I’m sure it’s going to eventually bite one of them in the butt. It’ll probably be Alexandra. There’s so much more of her butt to bite, you see.

Raina used to be an ugly kid and then found volleyball and became competitive. How that makes sense to anyone, only Raina knows. She says that NZ’s beauty is going to keep her from taking all the teasing to heart.

The girls get to visit Hobbiton, and I am super-jealous. “Look at all the poop!” cries one of the girls.

Idyllic. New Zealand was made to be Hobbiton.

Jay Manuel meets them at the Hobbiton movie set. It is beautiful. Sara McLeod is there to help judge the challenge. She played Hobbit Rosie Cotton (that cute hobbit that Samwise Gamgee has a crush on) in Lord of the Rings.

Girlfriend makes an adorable hobbit.

Angelea has never seen it. She’s officially more clueless than Jessica. Ms. McLeod has the strongest Kiwi accent of all time.

The girls each get five frames to pose in the doorway of the hobbitholes.

The outfits that the girls will be wearing are from World Design.

Alexandra starts. She says that she’s not about to let her being plus-sized get in her way. No, that only gets in the way when she’s trying to tie her shoes.

Krista recognizes that she and Angelea have drifted apart. She thinks it’s because of the competition. It probably is. “Yay, me!” is quickly becoming Krista’s favorite catch phrase.

Angelea rolls her eyes.

Jessica is screwing up royally. She’s too literal and has no energy. Her shoot is too commercial. Alexandra says: “Like, I thought I was looking at a Dillard’s catalog.” I’m sure that she’s the only one of these girls who has ever seen a Dillard’s catalog.

dillards

She's going to need this in a bigger size.

Raina has to wear the most awful green pants. She says she’s inspired by the scenery. She is such a fake.

Alexandra was too pinup-y in her shoot.

Raina’s use of the space wasn’t comfortable.

Jessica was too standard.

Angelea’s was simple, but it worked.

Krista’s length in her arms and neck. Krista thinks Angelea needs to learn that there’s no way she can win this competition. Subtle.

Angelea’s sure that this is her redemption. She threatens to light Krista on fire. Like Jessica’s tacos?

The winner get $3,000 worth of clothes from World Design. And the prize goes to Krista. Since she also got best photo last week, she actually gets an extra $1,500 on top of the $3,000. Angelea is furious. Krista gloats shamelessly. Just a little sensitivity, hon. You’ve gotta know when to stop.

“Yay, me!” hits us again.

Angelea snits, “I don’t care. She can keep them clothes. I’ll buy new clothes when I get that contract.”

Back at the ranch, Krista and Alexandra mock Angelea’s “club thing” last week.


It’s okay, Nigel. I still don’t get it, either.

Angelea, sporting Ugly Headwrap #17, complains about the teasing and insists that she was just trying to have fun. Krista has no sympathy for her because Angelea dished out plenty of mocking to the other girls, and now that she’s the target of the teasing, she suddenly thinks that others should pull punches with her. She has a point.

Angelea tries not to let it affect her because she “grew up on [sic] Buffalo.” Apparently, the schools in Buffalo aren’t the best. She says that she refuses to let the other girls get to her. Looks like it’s a little too late for that.

Tyra Mail! “If you want to be a true top model, you might have to shadow one.”

The girls have no idea what this means, and Jessica ventures a guess. Krista calls Jessica’s guess lame, and then calls Jessica lame and walks off. That was just a touch unnecessarily belligerent. Jessica gets all wide-eyed and hurt. She misses her fam and wishes she could go home just for a day and then fly right back. I’m thinking that she’s going back to be with them on a more permanent basis.

Alexandra complains about Raina’s fakeness to Krista. Krista says that she just focuses on her shoot and that, with a little practice, Alexandra can, too. Considering how mean Krista’s been this episode, I was surprised to see her being so diplomatic in private.

It’s a good thing she was diplomatic because Raina chooses that moment to interrupt them. “Morning, glories!” she chirps perkily over the balcony railing. “Oh, Mylanta!” she gushes. Alexandra is totally right about Raina.

Jay Manuel meets the girls at a vineyard. He informs them that they literally plant the vines so that the grapes get maximum light for ripening. The girls will have to find the light in a lot of shadows.

“Because you never know what lurks in the shadows!” interrupts a voice from around the corner. It’s Tyra! RUN!!

Watch out for them shadows. They can bite you.

She’s shooting a shadow-shoot with the girls. Apparently, she’s always wanted to do this shoot, and she tells them, “You get to be my lucky specimens.” Seriously, RUN, girls!!

They’ll be playing with shadows. They’re looking for the light in each shot. There will be mud in the girls’ hair, for no discernible reason.

The girls are excited and nervous about shooting with Tyra. “Yo, Tyra cool as hell,” Angelea informs us.

Tyra walks into hair and makeup and tells the girls to start thinking about “shadows, secrets, what are you hiding?” The other girls practice, but Jessica just stares blankly at herself in the mirror. She’s totally psyching herself out.

The girls get clay in their hair, and Alexandra goes first. She’s supposed to find the light through the shadow, but there doesn’t seem to be much shadow to me, since the “shadow” is being formed by a lace tablecloth being held above her. She needs to “find the light through the fabric.” Seems to be plenty of light to me.

Tyra wants her to get more “danger” in her face, and gives her a whole story to think about. Tyra loved shooting Alexandra. She had a runny nose and kept sniffling. I bet that helps with the “inhale” in her photos.

Jessica is next, and she suddenly can’t stop talking about her fam. She’s so outta here.

Jessica is “a sweet girl with a secret,” according to Tyra. But her shoot too commercial and she can’t get too angry and weird. She’s quite boring. She can’t do “ugly-pretty” or weird. But then Tyra tells her to get all sexy and she finally gets it.

Angelea says that she’s sure that all the fake friendship in the house is going to stop. That is a surprise to no one.

Jay tells Raina to find the same love for last week’s dress for this week’s panties. Because that’s all she’s going to be wearing.

Tyra had been looking forward to shooting Raina’s “wolf eyes,” but was disappointed. “She gave me Siberian Husky, but not wolf.”

Hey, Huskies are fierce, too. (Also: SUCK IT, Rowles.)

Alexandra exults that “Raina’s finally — FINALLY! — starting to go downhill.” And that’s not petty at all.

Raina’s finished and gives Tyra a naked hug. Weeeiiiird.

Angelea’s determined to do well because she sucked last week. Her shoot is boring. She’s too “high school portrait,” according to Tyra. Tyra tries to motivate her by telling her, “You’re tired and hot and you’ve got a secret.” What’s with Tyra and the secrets?

Angelea was “sweet soft and blah.” Tyra told her to just be dead, and she finally got it. Because dead face is just second nature to Angelea.

The sun is quickly setting. They’re losing light for Krista’s shoot. Krista wants to try soft and pretty instead of mean. They’re chasing the light. Tyra wants more cheetah from Krista. “You’re a cheetah with a secret!” Tyra is seriously obsessed.

Double suck-it, Rowles. Also, I wonder what this cheetah's secret is. Because, according to Tyra, everybody's got a secret.

Krista gets it and turns out some amazing photos.

Raina says that everyone had a good shoot today. Uh, did she not hear any of the criticisms? I heard plenty. She’s so fake.

The girls all still have mud iin their hair as they ride home on the bus.

Tyra mail! Eliminations!

Raina doesn’t want to go home. DUH.

Panel! Sara McLeod is the guest judge this week. Tyra tells us that she was in Lord of the “Rangs”. “That’s how you say it in Inglewood! Holla!” Okay, okay, you rose up to your fame from the ghetto. We get it.

Nigel tells Alexandra that she looks great. This baffles me, as she is wearing a tank top that makes her look just like a tank. But her shot is beautiful. Nigel totally gets what Tyra was trying to do with the sense of wonder in the photo. I fear for his sanity. ALT praises Tyra’s creativity. Just as I’m about to complain that this panel has degenerated into “All Praise Tyra Time,” ALT chimes in that he thinks Alexandra looks almost ethnic, like she’s from Istanbul. That would make her Turkish, no, ALT?

And of course the mention of Istanbul immediately makes me think of this:


I loved “Tiny Toons.”

Raina’s pic is rather dark. Her face is too angry. Tyra actually likes the anger because it’s different from Raina’s usual shots. Tyra didn’t feel any passion in the shoot though.

Angelea is wearing a beautiful dress that she won from last week’s challenge and then she promptly ghettos it up by striking a goofy pose.

The photo is calm, but the close-up isn’t that good, though. Nigel gives her some good advice about looking beyond the camera in a shot. Kinda like following through in golf or tennis or baseball or even bowling.

And even singing, apparently.

Jessica is unenthusiastic, but Sara McLeod is interested by her pic. ALT thinks it’s pretty, but he’s at a loss for words as to explain why he disapproves of the pic, and he asks Nigel for help. Nigel simply says that she doesn’t have enough intensity. We can’t see past the shadow to her.

Krista, on the other hand found perfect light and her profile is gorgeous. ALT thinks her shot is cover-quality. Tyra loved her variety. At this rate, if she doesn’t win this cycle, it’ll be a complete shock.

Deliberations.

Alexandra. Nigel loves the picture. “Thank you,” gushes Tyra. Uh, I think he was trying to compliment Alexandra, Tyra. ALT loves her “ethnic” look. If ALT were white, people would probably accuse him of being racist.
Raina. ALT didn’t like this at all. He saw all anger and not beauty. She didn’t push.
Angelea. Nigel noticed that her body is much better because she’s on the ground, and it forces her to relax her shoulders. But her eyes were lost.
Jessica. The picture didn’t do anything for anybody. But she does have a lot of enthusiasm on set, which is a plus. But her face and passion aren’t strong enough to model high concept.
Krista. ALT thinks it’s totally vu, whatever that means.

The judges have made their decision.

The usual spiel. Only four photos in her hands, you know.

So who’s this week’s winner?

Krista. No surprise there. But she has the tact to act somewhat surprised.

Runner-up is Alexandra, and she actually really deserves it. But, man, she looks bigger than ever at panel this week.

Angelea is third. She doesn’t seem quite so dejected this week, which is a plus, I suppose.

Jessica and Raina step forward. Jessica totally knows she’s out.

But let’s go through the pleasantries, shall we? Jessica is so sweet, so pretty — so commercial. It’s a money-maker, but not a career-maker. But if she concentrates she can be edgy. Raina knows how to evoke romance and renaissance and couture, but falls flat when it comes to edge. So who’s still in the running?

Raina’s in. That’s no surprise. Tyra was excited to shoot Raina, but was disappointed. The camera inexplicably cuts to Jessica as Tyra critiques Raina.

She moves on to Jessica, our ousted hamster. “Commercial is the kiss of death on this show,” Tyra says, but she encourages Jessica to prove the judges wrong. Jessica hugs Raina and Angelea and takes her leave.

She’s excited to see her family and is determined to move to California or New York to continue to pursue her modeling career. Uh, good luck with that, husband and baby. Because, obviously, what’s best for YOU doesn’t matter at all.

Next week on the show: The Final Four get a surprise at the photoshoot. TWO will be eliminated!! And the final two will stomp it out on the runway for the win. Next week is the two-hour cycle finale!! Blessed release!

And now it’s time for RANKINGS!

So, the stupid CW hasn’t posted all the pix, yet, so I’m going to have to go blanksies on some of these until they’re posted.

5. Jessica

America's Next Top Model

Over-the-top eye roll.

There’s no question that Jessica earned the boot that gently helped her out the door this week. This pic is largely unremarkable — except for the fact that her eyes are rolled so far back in her head that I’m surprised she’s not hemorrhaging. I think I can see where her optic nerve attaches to her eyeball.

I think she’s trying for one of these:

Fail. On so many different levels.

4. Angelea

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

You're dead to me.

I could not for the life of me understand how Angelea beat Raina out of the Bottom Two this week. I didn’t think Raina’s pic was spectacular by any stretch of the imagination, but Angelea’s was so boring. The only thing saving her from being the bottom pic for me is the fact that her eye-position isn’t giving me a headache or aneurysm.

But that’s hardly a compliment, now, is it?

3. Raina

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Hungry like the Siberian Husky.

Raina really just looked bored in this picture. She’s supposed to look fierce, but all I’m getting from her is the kind of stare the cool kids in school would give me in middle school when I ventured to volunteer an answer in class. You know, like: “Is she seriously going to try and talk in class?? Who is this loser, anyway?”

SHUT IT, RAINA! I’M JUST AS GOOD AS YOU!!

2. Alexandra

America's Next Top Model

Soft 'n' pretty.

This is a good pic. Granted, I think Alexandra lucked out with a very soft shadow, whereas most of the other girls had to work with some crazy shadows. But her soft look with the soft shadow and the soft light is just so soft and pretty that it makes me want to cuddle up with some down comforters and just look at this picture until I fall asleep on a cloud.

And since this is just a face shot, she doesn’t look plus-sized at all. Maybe it shouldn’t, but it works in her favor in this shot.

1. Krista

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Heil, Krista!

Despite the fact that the shape of the shadows are uncomfortably reminiscent of a swastika to me, this picture is absolutely amazing. Despite the harsh shadows, her face looks soft. It’s clear that she’s looking up, but not hard enough to have a stroke over it (take note, Jessica). Her pose is simple, but that’s good, since it doesn’t compete with the complex shadows playing over her face.

(By the way, this is totally unrelated, but this video spoof of Inglourious Basterds cracked me up.)

So that’s my take. What did you think?

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America’s Next Top Model, C14E07 Recap: “Big Hair Day”

Last week on ANTM: Drama! Subways! Crying! Gums!! And the gums are eliminated! Seven girls remain! Who will be eliminated tonight! That should have been a question! But I’m too excited by this crazy music to use any other punctuation mark!

Back at the house, Angelea rejoices that she got the best photo of the week and that Brenda got the boot at the same time.

Krista is the new Angelea in that she hasn’t yet gotten the top pic of the week. Apparently, she is ready to beat you down to get a #1 pic.

Alexandra feels like she’s not in the same category as the other girls. Uh, that’s because you aren’t, honey. You’re a plus-sized model. She doesn’t get how she hasn’t won anything yet. I think that’s more a matter of her blah personality.

Raina and Jessica console one another over Brenda’s booting with the idea that Brenda is happier where she is now. It’s like she’s died. I guess to a hamster, that’s more or less the same thing.

Raina says that she doesn’t know what she’ll do if Jessica gets the boot because then she’ll have no more friends in the house. Somehow, that gives me the impression that she really wouldn’t mind much if Jessica got booted as long as she got to stick around.

They make nice to Alasia, their remaining roommate. Alasia is determined to learn. She’s on a journey of learning. Is a class on cheesy illustrations compulsory at the elementary schools in Marietta?

Anslee doesn’t know how to read Alexandra. But, as I’m sure you’re all aware, she’s here to do this for her family blahblahblah*SNORE*.

Pat Cleveland and Whitney Port barge into the girls’ penthouse via the elevator. Whitney is introduced by Pat and the girls cheer for her. I have no idea who she is. The internet tells me she’s on “The Hills.” I have no idea what that is. Then, the internet tells me that’s that show with that kid from that show about the “real” OC. If by “real” you mean fake boobs and tans, then, yeah. I have absolutely no interest in this Whitney Port. Except that her last name is Port. And I could use a little port right about now.

Who the heck are you, you generic blonde?

Whitney’s taking the girls out and they get to wear clothes from her clothing line. They cheer.

Pat is wearing the craziest falsies ever. She’s also going to be talking to the girls as they get ready to coach them in how to make sure that their personalities shine through.

Seriously. They looked like this, but black and more spidery.

Krista loves big and bold, so Pat tells her to make sure that comes out in her personality. Jessica feels like royalty in her dress, so Pat tells her to make sure that comes out in her personality. Raina explains that Pat is trying to get them to embody their personalities. By just telling them to make sure that random traits come out in their personalities? That’s not coaching, my friend.

Pat gives Alexandra some weird speech about being a bird. This is just awful.

The girls go to Lucky Cheng’s, which turns out to be a drag cabaret. Jessica is scared. Paulina the Princess of Power greets everyone and welcomes them to Lucky Cheng’s, the Drag Queen Capital of the World. And I thought it was Ocean Avenue here in Long Beach on a Saturday night.

Come on, babe, why don't we paint the town... and your face?

Angelea confesses that some people think she looks like a drag queen, so she shouldn’t have any trouble with this challenge. Dang it, she stole my line. I was totally thinking that the minute I saw this was going to be a tranny challenge.

There’s a “dragalicious Tyra,” as Krista puts it. It’s really just a drag queen holding four ANTM photos like Tyra at Elimination. The queens dance. Anslee thinks she can’t compete with a drag queen. Paulina the Princess of Power looks like Rachel Dratch. This is unsettling.

Okay, so this is a costume, but it's not that far off.

Jay Alexander is also there, wearing light dragface, but no hair.

WOW, Raina looks so draggy. Draggy enough to make up for Jay Alexander’s apparent lack of falsies.

It’s a runway challenge with personality, which is supposedly what Pat taught them today. She taught them nothing! This is a sham!!

Alasia’s afraid of being “whomp-whomped” or booed, which is a hilarious way to put it.


There’s a lot of Rachel Dratch in this post, for some reason.

Angelea’s up first. If that’s her personality, then she’s very awkward. But she thinks that she did her thing. Excuse me; I do believe I meant thang.

Jessica’s walk was stiff, but she says she was going for classy. It’s sad to me what her idea of “classy” is.

Alasia is boring. She says she was going for diva, but it just results in her stomping down the runway without a smile.

Alexandra brings the personality — that is, the personality of a horse. Her horse stomps are ridiculous.

Stomp, stomp, stomp!

Raina rips down the runway, and Jay Alexander calls her “sizzle, sizzle.” She does twirls because everybody knows that twirls mean personality! *cue jazz hands*

Suck it, Rowles!

Krista does kind of a ghetto walk, with a mannequin pose at the end that was kinda genius.

Mannequin genius!

Jessica praises Krista’s walk, even though she finds Krista “kinda bossy.”

Anslee tries to be herself. She is boring beyond all belief. Jay says that she walks like she smells burnt garbage. She had no energy.

The audience gets to cheer for their favorite. Alasia gets applause. Angelea gets Applause. Anslee gets absolute silence! Hahahaha!!! That’s classic! She slinks offstage in defeat.

Raina, Jessica and Alexandra get polite applause. Krista gets a rousing ovation, and she is clearly the winner.

Alexandra is disappointed again. Krista is crowned with a tiara and also gets a… what is that? A scepter? A wand? But she declares that she won’t be satisfied until she gets the pic of the week.

Krista and Angelea, who got best picture last week, get to keep their dresses from Whitney’s line, and get to pick five pieces on top of that.

Back at the ranch, Anslee and Angelea talk smack about Jessica’s walk (which, it must be confessed, was quite boring). Anslee says that her walk was stern and strong, which is her personality. She feels like she stayed true to herself. Honey, stern/strong doesn’t equal boring.

Tyra Mail! “Tomorrow could be a hairy situation. Don’t get tangled. Love, Tyra!”

“Ew!” says one of the girls. That makes me wonder what the heck she thinks that means.

Alasia is late again. She’s taking her time, despite the fact that Raina tells her she has four minutes to go. The girls finally have enough and go down without her. She freaks out. Are there no stairs? What happens if there’s a fire?

She freaks out again and keeps pressing the button again and again.

Alasia finally hoofs it down the stairs. “Ain’t nobody told me we was leaving,” she protests. Uh, yeah, they totally did.

Someone calls her an idiot once she gets in the car, and she takes it because it’s her own fault. At least she’s taking responsibility.

The photograhper is Jerry Metellus. Jay Manuel explains that Tyra often talks about making your own “wind in the hair,” but asks, “What if you are wearing outfits made entirely of hair?” Apparently, Kate Moss wore one recently and “mama was working it.”

This is a team challenge. The team captains will be Weaven Steven and Derek J. They make couture out of hair. We see pictures of their work, and there’s a picture of a merman that is ossom.

Derek J, the Merman Maker.

Alasia’s freaking out about the origins of the hair used in these creations.

Alasia, Jessica and Alexandra are with Derek. The leftovers are with Steven.

Weaven Steven. Gotta love a man who wears grillz whilst doing hair.

Krista’s ready to throw down. The girls taunt each other over the barrier separating the teams.

The hair garments are interesting. Certain pieces get glued to them and Angelea inform us that the glue stinks. An off-camera voice informs us that the glue “smells like a**.” Hee!

Anslee is determined to throw off the other team by taunting them. The girls’ attempts at taunting are so stupid as to make me embarrassed for them. “You call that a pose?” “Home Depot called and they want their rug back!” “Epic failure!” *sigh*

I might've liked this better than some of the other garments.

Jessica thought it was really hard. She tries some jumping, but it doesn’t work out the way it did a few challenges ago.

Angelea isn’t swaying enough to suit Jay. The other girls laugh at her, but her photos turn out well.

Raina gets a bunch of good shots.

Anslee does some salsa steps in her hair dress. She is determined to put her own twist on what Jay has to say to “prove to her family that she can do this.” The heck?? How the heck does that prove anything, much less to her family? Even Derek joins in on the taunting. Jay thinks Anslee doesn’t understand modeling.

Krista’s bound and determined to do well today. She wants to try a Grace Jones jump, but Jay tells her she must commit completely to the moves. The results are quite fierce. Krista delivered today.

She's got style, she's got Grace.

Alasia’s next. she’s determined to prove herself because she was in the bottom two last week. Jay wants her to change her facial expressions. She’s got three shots that she keeps doing over and over.

Alexandra is looking nervous. Her gyrations are really stiff and weird. And the reflection of the photoshoot backdrop makes her look orange, like she has a bad Oompa Loompa tan. Ooh, that was not good. She might be in the bottom this week.

Oompa Loompa, doopity-doo, If you overtan, they're coming for you.

Tyra Mail! Eliminations!

Raina asks in a perky voice, “Who’s going home tomorrow?” That’s really annoying. If I were there, I would SO have wanted to smack her.

Anslee doesn’t want to think about her chances of going home. She must know she didn’t do well.

Krista said that everyone’s going in scared. She does Alexandra’s nails. She thinks Alexandra’s losing herself a little bit.

Panel! So, what is Tyra wearing today? Another pantsuit, but a little less 80s. A bit of an improvement, but not by much. She lists the sponsors, and I love how whenever they show Seventeen magazine, they show Nicole’s cover for a split second before covering her with someone else.

Judges! This week’s guest judge is Whitney Port. She’s rather a plain girl, I must say.

ALT says that he has been up all night and is exhausted. The judges are all pretending to be sleepy. They pull out pillows and sleep on them. It’s unbelievably cheesy.

This cowboy walks in, and Tyra says that she needs help to fall asleep. The cowboy says in a Kiwi accent that counting sheep can help you fall asleep. There are sheep at panel. There are cardboard clouds that descend from the ceiling with Zs attached to them. The judges each pull a Z off a cloud, and the worldwide destination this cycle is revealed to be New Zealand (hardy har har har, show). The girls jump up and down. One of them will look back bitterly on all that jumping up and down, since she won’t be going. Only six of the remaining seven girls will go to New Zealand.

Baa, ram, ewe.

Jessica’s up first. In her best shot, her toes are pointed in midair, but her face is rather boring to me. Tyra says she looks like an up-and-comer/one to watch in fashion.

Krista’s pic is absolutely gorgeous. Her angles are beautiful and her face is freakin’ amazing. Tyra loved going through Krista’s film, since each shot was beautiful and unique. Krista remembered her face in every single shot that week. If she doesn’t win, it’ll be shenanigans

Anslee’s up next and the way her train is swirling is nice, and her eyes are fierce. But Whitney thinks she looks a little stiff and ALT doesn’t like her “stereotypical” toe point.

Alasia’s next. Her feet are high fashion. ALT thinks the shot is very Alexander McQueen. Her face is a little boring, though, and Tyra warns her that all of her frames were pretty much the same.

Alexandra’s next. Her shot is… well her body is decent, but ALT says her hands are awkward. I agree with ALT. The judges think her face is great, but her body looks rather stiff to me.

Angelea. Whitney thinks her body looks great. They think she has control of her face, but I disagree. She looks like she’s making a lot of effort to get her face the way it is. I think her feet and legs are stiff, too.

Raina’s last, and the judges think her coat is high fashion, and so is she. Her shot is good, but not necessarily her best.

Deliberations.

Jessica. The model’s job is to work whatever she’s given, but Tyra thinks it’s too on the nose, dancer-wise.
Krista. Nigel thinks she’s come such a long way. I actually agree; she’s really grown on me.
Anslee. She was Whitney’s least favorite.
Alasia. ALT think she’s very Givenchy. Whitney loves her pic as well.
Alexandra. Whitney thinks something about this picture is off. Alexandra doesn’t seem to be connected to what she’s doing and what she thinks she’s doing. Her proportions are spot-on for a plus-sized model, though, according to Nigel.
Angelea. ALT is surprised by her every week. He likes that she challenges his concept of what a model should be. Uh, you mean, like a female model should be female? I find that challenging to believe when I look at Angelea.
Raina. Her eyes are breathtaking. No dreckitude for her this week.

Tyra asks if they have a decision. ALT baas in response.

So, who’s this week’s winner? Seven beautiful young ladies, only six photos, representing the six who will go to New Zealand.

This week’s winner will be flying first class to New Zealand. MAN, can I win it??? I wanna fly first class. To New Zealand.

It’s gotta be Krista. And it is! She’s so excited, and she should be. She kinda rubs it in to the other girls, but not in a mean way.

Angelea is second. She’s excited about going to New Zealand, too.

Raina
Jessica
Alasia

Anslee and Alexandra step up (2 the streets? No, not this time. But wouldn’t that be amazing?). Anslee’s face is stunning, but they fear she might just a beauty model, which, as Tyra explains, means modeling from the chest up. Her H2T (head to toe, for those not in the know) shots are bland. Alexandra’s pix are decent, but she pulls it out every once in a while. The judges are feeling a lack of drive, which is funny because they didn’t mention that at all during her critique.

Dude, and they totally let Alexandra stay.

Anslee’s out, which is too bad for her husband and kid. Eh, they’ll get over it.

Tyra is sad because she loves Anslee’s face. Then she calls it “handsome.” Uh, wow. Is that a Freudian slip or what?

Anslee goes and hugs the girls.

Krista’s flying first class, and she chooses Angelea to fly in first class with her.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Anslee packs up. She’s disappointed. She says that she’s excited to see her child, but she’s devastated that she let her daughter down. Somehow, I’m seeing her devastation much more than I’m seeing her happiness to be reunited with her daughter.

Later, Anslee. We’re already over it.

Next week: the girls get to New Zealand and head straight to go-sees. Alasia leaves her map at her last go-see. Antics ensue!

There will also be a photoshoot with sheep, and the girls will fall all over the hillside. Those sheep do look delightfully woolly, and I want to hug one.

Ahh, now that that’s overwith, we can move on to RANKINGS!

7. Anslee

America's Next Top Model

Awk-ward!

Boy, is this picture awkward. The train of the dress is moving nicely, but Anslee’s body looks so stiff. Her eyes are strong, but strong eyes don’t trump a stiff, mannequin body, no matter how supermodelquinny that body is.

6. Alexandra

America's Next Top Model

Bo-ring!

Okay, so Alexandra’s face is beautiful here, but it’s not that beautiful. The picture is decent, but the pose is awfully posey. I think the judges were right in their assessment that her pix are always decent, but rarely ossom. I don’t foresee her sticking around for much longer.

5. Angelea

America's Next Top Model

Girl, please!

The judges seemed to love this pic, but I have to completely disagree. It doesn’t look high-fashion. She looks like she’s at a ghetto party, saying, “Ooh, child!” I don’t like that her feet are planted on the ground. I also think her face shows all the effort of her movement. I also think that her hair helps the shot, but she had no hand in that.

4. Jessica

America's Next Top Model

Meh. MEEEEEEHHHHHH.

Jessica’s picture is decent, I suppose, but this isn’t anything we haven’t already seen from her. Is she going to rely on jumping shots forever? Her face is pretty, but it’s still kinda boring. If she doesn’t get some energy up in there, she won’t make it all the way.

3. Raina

America's Next Top Model

The right to bear arms?

I think Raina has misinterpreted the Second Amendment.

You see? Because "bear" can mean two things!

All kidding aside, Raina’s arms look so stiff, here. I like that her jump looks effortless; it’s as though they dropped her from the ceiling instead of having her jump. And her face is good. But her arms — they’re showing all the effort of her jump that isn’t showing in her face. That’s a shame.

2. Alasia

America's Next Top Model

Now here's the diva we were looking for.

Alasia’s pose here is gorgeous, but I cannot deny that her face is a wee bit boring. It kinda works in this shot, but I can’t help thinking that it was just a lucky coincidence. I do think, however, that it was total shenanigans that she got called fifth. Even if Angelea’s shot was as good as the judges claimed, there’s no way that Jessica’s shot was as good as Alasia’s. The swish in the train of the skirt alone is worth a step up from fifth place.

1. Krista

America's Next Top Model

Hot, hot, haute!

This picture is undeniably fierce, and deservedly first. Her body is amazing. Her hands are relaxed. And her face is absolutely amazing. There’s energy, but also a strange serenity.

So that’s just my opinion. What did you think?

America’s Next Top Model, C14E03 Recap: “Let’s Dance”

I totally forgot that there might be DUDES who read this site, so I’ll just say right now: READ AHEAD AT YOUR OWN PERIL. IT’S GIRLY TIMES UP AHEAD.

Ahem. Recaps!

We had a nudie shoot, Gabrielle gets the boot, Alasia and Ren throw down, there’s a windy and watery fragrance shoot, and Naduah gets the boot. WHEW!!

We open on the girls returning to the house and Raina grins when she sees her winning pic “displayed as digital art” in the house.

Brenda complains about her hair AGAIN and now I know who she reminds me of. She totally reminds me of a ginger Laura Ingalls.

Oh, Pa, but I wanna be a Top Model!

I think that Melissa Gilbert has since gotten her teeth fixed. Brenda, on the other hand, has not.

See? I told you. Except that Melissa Gilbert looks a little younger. Oh, relax, I keed, I keed.

Brenda implies that her daughter will not recognize her because of her “drastic makeover,” and I laugh heartily at the ridiculousness of such a premise. But Brenda obviously thinks it’s true, so: was it worth it, Brenda? Was it worth it?

Renona Whiner confesses that she thought she was going to be eliminated at the last panel. She says that she would normally have quit after feeling like that, and I’m agog. So, basically, you’re saying that you would have quit if they booted you, but since they didn’t boot you, you’re going to stay. As always on ANTM, I’m astounded by the logic, here.

Our Renona has mommy issues. SURPRISE!! She says that her mother was never nice to her, except in the week before she came to the house. She claims that her mother prefers her brother because he’s an “all-american jockey type.” Your brother is super-short and thin and rides horses? No wonder Mommy loves him more! Jockeys make bank, yo.

She also complains about living in the house once again. I’m just glad that I don’t live there — with Ren.

Tyra Mail! “Your fashion knowledge can really take you places… or maybe not. Loooove, Tyraaaaa!!!” I may have exaggerated that last part just a little bit. But if you watch the show, then you know: not really.

Before we find out where they’re going, Simone informs us that she gave up school to participate in the show. I’m sure she’ll never regret that decision.

The girls are introduced to the FAB BUS. The bus looks like a lot more fun than a limo, because there’s room in it to dance around! Raina dances awkwardly and I take back what I said about the Fab Bus.

Toccara from Cycle 3 magically appears. Alexandra is happy because, for once, she’s not the biggest girl in the room. They’re playing a game in which they have to answer questions about the fashion industry. Toccara splits them into two teams: Red and Blue.

Anslee is on the Red Team and complains about “getting stuck with some duds.” You’d be hard-pressed not to get stuck with some duds as long as the teams are made up of ANTM contestants, honey.

(Psst! That includes you!)

Toccara explains the game. First team to get five questions correct will go on a go-see at the headquarters of Bluefly.com. Toccara then proceeds to rattle off a commercial for Bluefly, and the show adds in a game show applause track, which is pretty hilarious. Each member of the winning team gets $500. But the winner of the go-see gets a $2,500 gift card and will be featured in Bluefly’s spring campaign. Dude, can I participate? I wants me some free goods.

Still "big, black, beautiful, and loving it!" *snap* *snap*

Raina, who got best picture last week, automatically gets to go on the go-see, and doesn’t have to participate in the game.

Let’s get it started!

The girls quiz away. All of the questions are multiple choice, thank God. Can you imagine how many times they’d have to drive around the block at Bluefly Headquarters while they waited for girls to come up with the right answers? Hoo.

Simone is thinking they’re gonna lose because her team is down 3-0, but then she turns the tide of the game by getting an answer right and, before you know it, the score’s tied at 4. Sudden death!!

Simone and Brenda go head-to-head on a question, and Simone buzzes in first! She gets the answer right (it was Heidi Klum. Because, when it comes to modeling, Heidi Klum is always the right answer)! Blue team wins!

You're in! I mean, "right!" You're right! Auf wiedersehen!

Brenda’s team is mad at her, which is kinda understandable, since it was a pretty easy question. But she’s determined not to be too disappointed. Anslee, on the other hand, is madder’n a pig in a poke, and she predicts that she and Brenda will have problems as a result. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but if the other team had a total of five points, doesn’t that mean that a few other people got questions wrong, too? Let’s hate them all equally, Anslee. That’s only fair.

Simone and her team are super-excited, and they show up to Bluefly’s headquarters with Raina in tow. Raina really wants to win the go-see, and she walks into hers with a goofy smile.

Jessica’s next, and they think she’s too skinny. Am I really hearing this? Wow. Could it be that the fashion industry is actually changing?

Ahahahahaha, of course not. And even if the industry were changing, I highly doubt we’d get our first inkling of that through ANTM.

In the meantime, the losing team gets a punishment: they have to help log Bluefly’s inventory. They go to the back room, where all the inventory is in what the copy editor calls “The Cage.” I think they should be more accurate and call it “The Fenced-in Area.”

Back to the go-sees. They like Angelea’s personality. That confuses me, but I don’t even have time to say, “HUH??” before they ask her to “sell” the outfit that she’s wearing. She busts out a bunch of awkward poses and the judges give each other confused looks. I laugh unreservedly.

The ladies say that they like Alexandra’s face and she’d be perfect for “beauty shots,” which basically means that they think she’s a fatty.

Renona Whiner again weighs the question of sanity and happiness vs. modeling. DUDE, just leave already. For the sake of MY sanity and happiness.

The ladies love Simone. Their only concern is that her shoulders are a little athletic, which I actually kinda love.

They also like Krista. They can tell that she loves what she does.

But THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!! The winner is Simone. Good for you, girl.

Jessica plays the sore loser and snits that Simone is pageanty, which I find ironic, given that Jessica’s biggest critique is that she is too pageanty.

Ren and Brenda announce that they’re going to bed and that this means that everyone in their room has to go to bed. The other girls do not take kindly to this bossing and Krista calls her “Gepetto,” and it’s actually hilarious.

The Puppetmaster

Some of the girls wander into the other room for the express purpose of complaining about Brenda. One of them says that she looks like Miranda from “Sex and the City”, and the others laugh as though that were a really scathing insult. The heck??

Because if you looked like this woman, then life just wouldn't be worth living. *eye roll*

Then someone else tries, and goes for Chucky. A little better, I suppose.

A little closer, but still not particularly burnalicious.

Come on, people, if you want really hideous, try Clay Aiken!

Now, that's truly horrifying.

Renona Whiner claims that she just “can’t put up with this.” So she takes the high road — and tattles to Brenda. It stands mentioning that she was sitting in that room, listening to them gossip for the entire conversation. No wonder Mom likes your brother better.

Brenda, of course, is hurt — not because they’re insulting her, but because they insulted her makeover, which, to Brenda, is tantamount to “laughing in Tyra’s face.” Even after all the ridiculousness I’ve come to expect from this show, that statement still made me roll my eyes.

So she goes to confront the girls. Oh, excuse me, did I say “confront”? I mean to say “gossip about”. She claims to the girls in the kitchen about the other girls’ behavior, telling them that the other girls said that she was “ugly” (Brenda’s emphasis there) because of her haircut.

When Anslee says that she didn’t think that the other girls called her ugly, Brenda haughtily interrupts her, asking, “Were you in the room?” I will respond to your question with your own question and ask, “Were you in the room?” Because she totally wasn’t; she heard this from Ren. I’m actually quite shocked that no one else said that. Come on, people! It’s like shooting fish in a barrel!!

Oh, and did I mention that Brenda’s wearing the ugliest beanie ever knitted? That’s Ugly Headgear #7 for the series. She looks like a twelve-year-old chemo patient. If she really wants to be a model, maybe she should just call the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

So, anyway, Brenda and Anslee throw down. It’s nowhere on the level of Alasia’s screaming fits. She could show them a thing or two about stirring up drama in the house.

Hey, that reminds me: we haven’t seen her at all this episode. Could it be that she’s learned something about getting along with the other girls since the last ep?

Ahahahaha, of course not. I’m sure well see evidence of that soon enough.

In the morning, Anslee apologizes for waking people up with her yelling. She seems quite smug. I’m guessing she won the fight. Not hard to do, since most of Brenda’s comebacks probably amounted to “Oh, yeah?” and “Well… well… FINE!!”

Renona complains AGAIN and claims that she wants her quiet life back. THEN QUIT, REN. Seriously.

Tyra Mail!! “Top models always need to be in step.” Ooh, what in the world could that mean? Seriously, though, they’ve done a much better job of making Tyra Mail more enigmatic this cycle.

The girls arrive at a dance studio and are greeted by Jay Manuel. He asks them what their inspiration is, and we hear the standard answers: “my child” “my parents” “a cheeseburger” (that one was either me or Alexandra; I can’t remember).

Well, it turns out that today’s photoshoot is portraying dance. Which really has absolutely nothing to do with Jay’s question. Nice one, Jay.

Brenda says that she can only dance when she gets a little tipsy at the club. Correction, Brenda: you only think you can dance when you get a little tipsy at the club. I’m sure it just looks like a slow-mo version of the usual awkwardness.

Troy Powell is their coach. He danced for the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theatre for ten years, which means that he must actually be pretty ossom. The girls will each be representing a different genre of dance, and Troy will teach them some moves and positions.

Vincent Oquendo is the makeup artist. What the heck happened to Sutan? Did he do something to provoke the wrath of Tyra?

Sutan with some of the models from Cycle 9 (clockwise from top left: Saleisha, Bianca, Chantal, Jenah)

Up first is Anslee, representing rhythmic dance. I always thought it was “rhythmic gymnastics,” which totally reminds me of Get in Shape, Girl!

Ahh, the 80s. It was… an ugly time.

And, OOH, SHENANIGANS!!! I totally just did, like, two minutes of internet research, and all of it is telling me that what we’re seeing Anslee doing isn’t rhythmic dance at all: it’s rhythmic gymnastics, just like I thought! Take that, show!!

But back to things that people other than I care about: Jay says Anslee’s lookin’ pretty (and you totally know he dropped that “g”), but missed the model flow. Maybe because you didn’t give her a real dance to do, show.

Jessica has salsa, and she keeps moving frenetically. It is not pretty.

Angelea is moshing. She gives a lot of angry faces and Jay asks if moshing is all about anger. Angelea replies that it’s also about pain, and, after that, her shoot goes a lot better.

Tatianna is tap, and her outfit is awful — hot pants cut to make her hips look larger than Alexandra’s.

Renona Whiner complains some more. PLEASE. PLEASE eliminate her.

Ren is disco. Jay confesses that, when he first saw her, he immediately thought she was a model. But every week she’s less inspired, and he thinks that the judges will eventually tire of her look and see through to whether or not she had talent or not. She is awfully boring on film. Even Angelea is easier to look at.

Alexandra is breakdancing, and she channels Run DMC. As though she’s ever heard of them, aside from possibly watching “Run’s House” on MTV.

Raina is jazz, and she does great. That’s nothing new, so: moving on.

Brenda proudly dons Ugly Headwrap #8!! One girl wearing ugly headgear twice and getting into a fight all in the same show? That’s gotta be some sort of record.

She has African dance. Her energy is way low, and Jay calls her on it. Anslee gloats openly at Brenda’s struggling. She’s trying to jump on a trampoline to get some action shots, but she’s not getting the count right. Hee, she can’t even jump correctly!

Krista has ballet. Her moves are, shall we say, less than graceful.

Simone is hip-hop. Jay says that she’s a little too studied and her face is vacant. Simone is disappointed with her shoot, and cries beautifully.

Alasia has interpretive dance. I’m sure that I’m not alone in expecting her to fall flat on her face, but she KNOCKS. IT. OUT. Jay is all praise and wonder, and she’s excited about it because she’s finally getting something besides snorting laughs and disappointment in reaction to her photoshoot.

Tyra Mail. Eliminations!

Ren complains as usual about “missing her life.” The girls finally can’t take any more of her crap and ask her: if she could be anywhere in the world, where would she want to be?

When she can’t answer right away, one of the girls asks if she’s going to cry, which send some of the other girls into gales of laughter. It’s actually quite cruel, the way they’re blatantly taking pleasure in her hurt. Granted, she is annoying, but she’s still a human being, people. It’s one thing for her to cry about something stupid; it’s another thing altogether to make her cry because you know she’s an easy target.

That said, she’s still ridiculous, and I hope to God she gets the boot.

Panel! We are re-introduced to the judges. Sean Patterson, president of Wilhelmina Models, is the guest judge. I find this a little odd, as he was not featured in the episode at all.

On to the photos!

Jessica is first up. Her salsa pic had no emotion, and not enough fashion in it. ALT tells her she’s patently gauche (it means awkward. That’s okay; I had to look it up, too. I’m learning so much more French since ALT joined the judging panel!)

Raina is jazz, and all the judges rave. It is a pretty good pic.

Anslee had rhythmic gymnastics (I won’t call it something it’s not, show), and her picture is too “conscious.”

Simone is also patently gauche, but in a good way, according to ALT. Tyra doesn’t like her picture, though. She thinks it’s too safe, and I actually agree with Tyra, for once. Tyra advises Simone to find a moment. Simone nods, but I’m sure she has no clue what that’s supposed to mean.

Tatianna’s legs are looking NARSTY in her tap dance pic. Yikes, does she ever look awkward. Nigel says that it’s a dynamite close-up, though. That’s because her mouth is closed, Nigel. But Tyra informs her that the rest of her film was a disaster, and she just lucked into a good shot.

Brenda came to panel dressed like a mom. ALT calls her “dreckitude,” a word that is working its way into everyday speech at an alarming pace. The judges keep talking to her about her age and how she needs to be mindful of how much of an old hag she is. Well, maybe they didn’t say it in those words, but you and I know what they meant. As for her African dance picture, Sean Patterson says it reminds him of an “SNL” skit, in that it looks like a farce. Anslee doesn’t bother to hide her mirth at hearing this.

Alasia is next, and ALT “ooh, child“s her, and tells her to take off her jacket. That turns out to be a huge mistake because girlfriend is wearing a skimpy, silver swimsuit underneath. The judges are agog with disgust. But they rave unanimously about her interpretive dance photo. Sean Patterson quips that her photo is as good as her outfit is bad. Nice one, Sean!

Alexandra had breakdancing, and the judges agree that her pic is amazing, except for her necklessness. Krista smugly points that out immediately.

Angelea’s moshing photo is also amazing. Even I have to admit it. But somehow, she doesn’t seem pleased, as she refuses to smile throughout the duration of panel.

Krista had ballet. Her neck is great. And Tyra says that her awkward hands make the shot “fashion.”

Ren did disco, and the photo’s “not fashion,” according to ALT. Ren complains about the “drama” in the house. Sean Patterson actually gives her some sage advice, telling her that she’s going to have to leave any personal stuff off set if she wants to be a successful model. They ask her if she wants to stay or go. Tension! And, then: commercial!

And we’re back, and where were we? Oh, yeah: tension! Will she stay or will she go? Aww, she says she wants to stay. Wuss.

The judges dismiss the girls as they deliberate.

Jessica: Her pic is okay, but too obvious. She wasn’t convincing, and the judges wanted to be convinced.
Anslee: She has no imagination. She had energy, but her body awareness was bad in this shoot. I’m going to give her a pass, though, because it’s not her fault that she got a bogus dance to do.
Simone: She seems confused. Nigel claims that he loves hip-hop, which makes me guffaw, and that what Simone was doing was not hip-hop. I try to imagine Nigel krumping, and am unsuccessful in my endeavor.
Alexandra: She has confidence. I think they’re confusing a competitive streak borne of bad body image with confidence.
Tatianna: ALT proclaims her dreckitude. I don’t get it; is it an adjective or a noun? Because I think he’s been using it both ways. In either case, I agree: Tatianna is dreckitude, especially when she bares those fangs of hers.
Krista: Her face is beautiful.
Angelea: The judges think it’s a “wow” shot.
Ren: Her pic is a mess. Will they boot her? Come on, boot her!
Brenda: ALT announces that she is the Dreckitude Winner of the Week. Um, yay? Her picture has no edge.
Raina: They love her pic; it’s high-fashion.
Alasia: Her photo is gorgeous — it is pretty amazing. But she’s only gorgeous in the photo; in person, she’s a wreck. A dreck wreck, AndrĂ©?

The Dreck Awards have been given, and the judges have made a decision.

The Spiel. Who’s this week’s winner?

It’s Alasia. She wins on a day in which she looks like absolute crap at panel. Good for her. The picture is gorgeous.

Next up:
Angelea, who finally cracks a smile for the first time all panel.
Jessica
Alexandra
Krista

There’s weird electronica elimination music this week. It is quite strange.
Raina Wait a minute, they called Jessica before Raina? If I recall correctly, they had complaints about Jessica’s picture and nothing but raves about Raina’s. Shenanigans!! SHENANIGANS!!
Tatianna
Simone
Anslee

Ren and Brenda step forward. Tyra whispers, “Two beautiful young ladies stand before me, but I only have one photo in my hands.” Hahaha, oh, Tyra. It stops being dramatic after fourteen cycles, you know.

Tyra looks at Ren and says that she’s doing it for the wrong reasons. Ren actually nods at this, and Tyra calls her on it. Cornered, Ren panics and babbles that she’s only doing this to get Mommy’s attention. Tyra asks her if she really wants this, and Ren says that she likes modeling…

What’s that noise? Oh, it’s the final nail in Ren’s coffin. Brenda’s still in the running to become America’s Next Top Model, and that’s actually as it should be.

See ya, REN!! And good riddance! Tyra encourages her to communicate her unhappiness with her mother. The other girls are practically grinning in their glee.

Ren waves a half-hearted goodbye to the girls, and hugs no one. None of the girls seem to much care. Good riddance, I say. Smell you later, Renona Whiner!!

That reminds me, KTLA 5, the local CW station, totally ran a news teaser that they’d have a morning interview with the latest model to get the boot on ANTM, and then they totally showed a clip of Ren. This was about fifteen minutes before the end of the ep. And you didn’t spoiler-warn me, you punks!! Boo on you, KTLA. BOO on YOU!!

But I digress.

Next week on ANTM: jumping and falling? I have no idea what they’re supposed to be doing. There’s going to be a Cover Girl challenge in Time Square. It looks like they’ll be doing a live commercial there. Ooh, that’s going to be just delicious. They’re also going to do a vampire shoot. I demand to know where all the glitter is. Stephanie Meyer told me that vampires are supposed to sparkle, dangit!!

Anyhoots, so here’s my take on the pics. As always, the photos are edited for modesty by moi (OOH, I just spoke French. Does that mean that ALT is influencing me?)

11. Ren

America's Next Top Model

Disco inferno? The roof, the roof, the roof is halfheartedly on fire.

What the heck is this pose? She looks like she’s trying to “raise the roof,” but she’s got mono or something, so she has absolutely no strength at all. Her face is all kinds of boring, too. This was deservedly the worst pic of the bunch this week.

10. Brenda

America's Next Top Model

I don't think Alvin Ailey will be calling you anytime soon.

Oh, Brenda. This pose is so boring, and your face is even worse. Not to beat a dead horse, but you look like a dead horse. You’re only lucky that Ren did worse than you did this week. But I’m sure you’ll remedy that next week.

9. Tatianna

America's Next Top Model

Gotta get the H, yo!

Good God, she looks like she’s taking a crap right here and now. Is this an ad for Oops I Crapped My Pants? Geez.

Lucky for Tatianna, though, her face does look okay, here. Thanks to the lighting, I can see her cheekbones. But I give her two more weeks; maybe three, if they eliminate Simone for being the “pretty, but boring” girl.

“I’m wearing them. And I just did.”

8. Alexandra

America's Next Top Model

It was the dog; I swear.

What’s with the toilet humor this week? Tatianna’s advertising an adult diaper this week, and Alexandra looks like she should be wearing a t-shirt that says, “It was ME!”

Oh, who am I kidding? I’ll work a good fart joke in wherever I possibly can. Because I’m twelve.

Seriously, though, I suppose it’s mostly not her fault that I don’t like the pic. I thought the wardrobe was SO not breakdancing. And who breaks in heels (give it the right inflection, folks. Obviously, I don’t mean “breaking them in.” I mean “breakin’.” As in Electric Boogaloo)? I would’ve bought the pic more, though, if she’d either straightened her leg or bent it across as though she were doing a freeze.

7. Jessica

America's Next Top Model

My name is Bo. Bo Ring.

I guess this picture is okay; her hands and legs are decent. But her face; dear Lord, her face! It’s so boring! So blank! Salsa is supposed to be full of passion and fire. I should know; I took my first Zumba class today. But Jess is looking bored, which makes me bored when I look at this pic.

6. Simone

America's Next Top Model

Hip-hop, she is not.

Okay, so it’s no secret that I think Simone is so pretty, but even I have to agree that this picture is boring. Her body language is slightly more interesting than Jessica’s, but only slightly. If she doesn’t shape up fast, she’s going to get the boot for being pretty, but boring. Oh, well; at least she’ll have a $2,500 credit at Bluefly.com and a pic in their spring campaign.

5. Anslee

America's Next Top Model

It's GYMNASTICS, people. GYMNASTICS. Not dancing.

I really didn’t get why this photo was so hated at panel. I actually think her movement in the pic is striking, and her face is interesting. She looks like she’s actually doing rhythmic gymnastics (because that’s what it is, show). Maybe that’s why the judges didn’t like it; she took it too literally.

Well, then, they should’ve given her a real dance to do in the first place.

4. Angelea

America's Next Top Model

I came to bring the pain.

I thought this was a pretty good pic. Her face isn’t great, but it never is. Her body, on the other hand, is amazing. I love the motion captured in this photograph.

3. Krista

America's Next Top Model

Like a work of art.

I’ll be darned if this ain’t a good pic. Krista’s neck looks beautiful, and her pose is actually reminiscent of a Degas painting. Given how awkward she was during the shoot, I was really shocked at how well her photo came out. I’d have liked it better if her toes had been more pointed, but, still, I was impressed.

2. Raina

America's Next Top Model

Bob Fosse would approve.

Two things about this pic that surprised me: the first thought that popped into my head when I saw it was “Bob Fosse!” So Raina really did a great job of evoking jazz here.

The second surprise was that I completely forgot about her eyebrows until right this minute. I know. That’s how good this pic is. Her body is interesting, her face is good, and her hands are so, so graceful. I think Raina’s really starting to win me over.

1. Alasia

America's Next Top Model

The unbearable lightness of being.

This photo was jaw-droppingly amazing. The flow of the garment, the relaxed position of her hands and feet, her serene expression — this picture is absolutely stunning. And it really does a great job of selling the garment, too. It really gets across the floaty feel of the fabric. I can’t believe that Alasia — our screaming, hissy-fit-throwing Alasia — was able to pull this off.

Don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll be right back to screaming and catfights next week.

Thoughts? Comments?