Posts Tagged ‘raina’

#CBR4 Cannonball 24: Blankets by Craig Thompson

BlanketsBlankets by Craig Thompson
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Blankets is aptly named. Imagine pulling out an old blanket and wrapping it around yourself. Breathe deeply of its scent; of dust and mold and mothballs, with a whiff of winter nights and pillow forts. For Craig Thompson, writing this graphic novel must have been like pulling out his past and immersing himself in it, inhaling the euphoria and pain of innocence lost.

Craig was raised in an evangelical Christian household. He was picked on by others and unpopular at school. He had to share a bed with his little brother, Phil. One year, he goes to a Christian winter camp, where he meets Raina. The two have an instant connection and begin a long-distance correspondence that culminates in Craig’s visiting Raina for two weeks.

Thompson paints a stark, sad, and unfortunately accurate picture of many churches and evangelical groups in America today. It made me really sad to see the kind of church he grew up attending. They taught him vague principles without any scriptural evidence, governed him by guilt instead of pointing him to the grace of the gospel, and were more concerned with outward conformity than inward renewal. Far too many churches like this exist, and then wonder why their youth abandon their “faith” as they grow older. I grew up in a church similar to that. I grew up feeling isolated and marginalized at church, which I resented because it just didn’t sit right with me that I was being rejected at the one place that I thought had no choice but to accept me. It wasn’t until I was much older that I understood the true gospel (beginning with my own sinfulness and need of a Savior) and stopped thinking so much about myself and started thinking more about others.

lone wolf

And the whole trend of encouraging young men to go into ministry as a ploy to convince them not to abandon the faith is sad and ridiculously unbiblical. I’m thankful that Thompson had the foresight not to go into ministry out of guilt or because he was flattered by older men who told him they thought he’d be great at it. I don’t know any teenaged boys who know themselves well enough to know whether they’re called to ministry. Oh, and you have to be called. You can’t just appoint yourself to this role, and if you’re not sure, other people can’t make that decision for you, either.

*steps off soapbox* But the novel isn’t just about religion. The novel is also a raw look at first love. Most of us are familiar with the rush that comes with that first infatuation; the first time we meet someone who turns our insides to goo. And even more amazing is the moment when that person reciprocates your feelings.

But, then, real life is a lot harder than you want it to be when you’re seventeen. Raina’s parents are getting a divorce, and she’s often left to care for her developmentally disabled adopted siblings, Ben and Laura. Craig wants to support Raina, but the reader is left mumbling to herself, “Get outta there, kid; it’s going to be too much for you.”

Blankets is a beautiful coming-of-age story about family, friendship, first love, and learning the ropes of life. The artwork is superb and the story, well-told.

But it did leave me quite sad. Once you leave that innocence behind, there’s no getting it back. It happens to all of us, but that doesn’t make it any easier to let it go.

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America’s Next Top Model, C14E11 Recap: “America’s Next Top Model Is…”

Part II of the season finale!

So who will win? Krista with the fierce walk and dynamic poses or Raina with the fabulous features and piercing stare?

Raina is proud of herself, and she is not ashamed to proclaim it.

Krista is feeling focused — it’s not over yet. She hasn’t forgotten how much she struggled in the beginning.

Raina’s excited about doing the Cover Girl shoot. We see a scary picture of Raina screaming. For some reason, her tongue is purple. She played volleyball in college for three years, but put it aside because her “real passion” is modeling.

Krista has tried out for ANTM five times. We see ossomly ghetto pictures of Krista and her sisters, and an adorable one of the three ofthem when they were little. And then we get an inexplicable picture of Krista with a red bowl on her head.

Tyra Mail! “One of you will rise above the other to claim the title of America’s Next Top Model. But for now you’re flying on the same level, so pack an overnight bag. Love, Tyra.” Ooh, they get to go somewhere! Exciting!

Krista is annoyed by Raina’s over-the-top enthusiasm. “Do you think we could be parachuting? Or, like, in a hot air balloon?” Honey, photoshoots are done. It’s just Cover Girl, and then runway.

Raina says that Krista doesn’t like her. Hmm, Krista must not like “happy” people who “turn a positive into a negative.” Yeah, that’s not annoying at all.

The girls get to take a helicopter to their destination. “I’m so excited; my heart is about to come out of me!” gushes Raina. I half hope it does. Man, if I were Krista, I would totally mute that headset and revel in the deafening sound of the helicopter blades.

New Zealand is freakin’ gorgeous, y’all.

The girls land at a place called Hurakia Lodge. Krista sees a man waiting for them inside with two glasses of champagne. He welcomes them to the lodge and informs them that they’ll be spending the night there.

Hurakia Lodge

I want to go to there.

Raina feels like a VIP. The girls toast, and Jay Alexander shows up. Krista’s a little disappointed because she just wants a second to enjoy her victory.

Jay tells them that they need to sleep early and get up early and be young, fresh, and exciting because they’ll be shooting their Cover Girl commercials right there in the morning. They are given scripts and instructed to study up.

The girls will be shilling the entire “Blast” collection. Krista’s afraid of them pulling out cue cards on her because she just can’t get it together.

Raina smugly informs us that she’s already got the first line memorized, but Krista’s nervous. Raina thinks she’s more fun and flirty than Krista, who’s more “focused and fierce.” Ooookay.

Morning comes, and the girls are digging into breakfast when Jay Manuel arrives screaming, “Tyra! Fifty percent!!” which is what Krista screamed when she got into the Top Two.

Jay explains that they’ll be shooting the commercial and the print ad, which will be used in a national ad. But to help them get into the “Cover Girl Spirit,” they bring in Nicole, the winner of Cycle 13. We already saw her at the Cover Girl subway shoot. She’s just as wooden today as she was then. Her hair is no longer red; it’s now straight-up orange. She sounds like she’s reading from a card. This girl reads from a card!

Nicole Fox: now with 50% more ginger!

The concept for the commercial is that they’re getting ready for a night on the town. One girl will shoot her commercial while the other one does her photoshoot, and then they’ll switch.

Krista thinks Raina will come off as fake, and that she’ll come off as more relatable.

Raina gets photographed first. The photographer loved her eyes.

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Easy, breezy, beautiful!

Nicole gives Krista a pep talk before her commercial. Krista feels ready. Nicole encourages her not to put too much pressure on herself. Nicole is worthless.

Krista is simply determined not to take the cue cards. She’s got her lines memorized and she wants the commercial to be a breeze. That’s easy, breezy, sweetie.

She gets through her first line, but flubs her second. Before we know it, we’re all the way to Take Seven, and she’s completely blanking. Jay suggests the cue cards, but Krista balks. She’s freaking out because she’s come too far to blank out now, and yet, that’s exactly what’s happening.

She just can’t do it, and finally asks for the cue cards. Now, she can’t just read them. She’ll have to look at them and then look back to camera and repeat the line.

She does one take where she looks up and to the left as she tries to recall the line. She laughs at herself, and Jay compliments her for laughing and staying positive. She’s making do with what she’s got.

Jay thinks she’s lovely. Krista was able to hold it together. Jay was impressed that she didn’t break down and cry. “If you break down and cry, then you look like you’re crying, and then I don’t have anything.”

The girls switch, and Krista gets photographed. She admits that Raina’s face is “undeniable,” but she is determined to come off strong and show that she’s versatile. She says that Raina can only do that “cortisone” look. I think she means “courtesan.” The photographer loves her smile. It certainly does change her face.

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Destined to be a Cover Girl.

It’s Raina’s turn for the commercial. She thinks she’ll do really well because her personality is very Cover Girl.

She gets through her first three lines and then flubs. Jay could even pinpoint the moment at which she realized that she couldn’t remember her next line.

She’s squinting at the camera. She flubs again, but keeps trying.

“This isn’t terrible,” starts Jay, “but I’m not 100% convinced.”

The director tells her that she’s got the line delivery down, but she’s also gotta model at the same time.

Raina gets a good take. Jay says that she knew all of her lines, but she could not model and deliver lines at the same time. In a beauty commercial, it’s really important to model throughh as you deliver your lines.

Tyra Mail! “Today, you did your Cover Girls. Tomorrow, you’re doing your covers. Love, Tyra.” They’ll be shooting their Seventeen covers on the morrow.

Krista needs to stand out in her cover shoot because her commercial wasn’t great.

Raina thinks she has a better look for a magazine like Seventeen.

Nigel is waiting for them when they get to the studio. He’ll be shooting their covers.

Nigel shoots Raina and encourages her to think about the young, fresh faces that are usually featured on the cover of Seventeen. Raina comments that, if she were on the cover of the magazine, young girls everywhere would be looking up to her. I weep for America’s future.

Nigel shoots Krista. She wants to change the fashion industry because you never see a “chocolate black girl” on anything. Uh, Krista, ever heard of Alek Wek? And if you think winning ANTM will change the modeling industry, then have you ever heard of Teyona? Exactly.

Chocolate girl? Already been done. And better, too.

Do you know who she is? Most people don't.

Nigel was impressed by both girls. Of course, he can’t express a preference at this point in the show.

When the girls return, their entire apartment has been overrun with camera equipment — and Tyra. She’s there to shoot a Top Model family portrait. But she feels like something’s missing… like the girls’ families.

Krista calls her mom and stepdad her best friends. It’s adorable.

Raina’s dad is her hero. It’s a little sad that she only has her dad.

They get to do a shoot with their families, and it’s actually really sweet. Krista’s mom shares the family motto, which is “Pride, determination, and resilience.” Interesting. My family motto is “Be as crazy as you can without actually getting committed.”

Raina poses with her dad, and Tyra encourages him to loosen up. Raina’s dad requires a lot of direction.

Tyra praises the girls to their parents, and compliments them on raising two fine girls.

(Side note: I looked at the family portraits, and they’re actually quite sweet. You can check them out on Tyra’s website.)

The parents are then given the boot. One of their daughters will be America’s Next Top Model.

The girls gush about loving their parents. There are tears.

Krista says, “I don’t want to eat, sleep, drink. I just want to do this the rest of my life.” That explains why she’s so skinny.

The girls arrive at the runway venue. Anna Sui’s collection was inspired by “rock ‘n’ roll circus.” What the heck?? Is that just clowns wearing, like, more makeup?

Nicole will open the show, and there will be other professional models there as well. But those aren’t the only people competing for the spotlight! The other girls who came to NZ will be walking in the finale show, too.

The other girls don’t look too thrilled to see their former competition reemerge from the depths of obscurity.

caAngelea is on Team Krista. “I hope Krista stomps it out.”

Jessica hopes Raina wins. “She’s hot, she’s sweet, she wants it.” Poor Krista. She clearly doesn’t want it at all, and therefore doesn’t deserve to get it. *removes tongue from cheek*

The judges enter the show to cheers. I cheer, too — because Tyra is not wearing one of those awful jumpsuits.

“This whole show is for Krista and me,” Raina informs us. Oh, and maybe a little person you may have heard of called Anna Sui. Perspective, hon. It doesn’t take much.

Circus performers open the show. There’s a juggler, a guy with a giant exercise ball, a hula hoop girl, a dude with one of those rhythmic gymnastics ribbons — it’s a rock ‘n’ roll circus!

Nicole stomps on out.

Angelea is up next, followed by some real models.

Krista’s next. She strides out, looking happy. She does a great job. She’s totally taking those long strides that ALT told her to. Her legs look miles long and amazing.

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

So happy to be here.

Jessica goes next and poses at the end of the runway. It is weird. More real models remove the bad taste from my mouth.

The song in the background goes, “So stupid! So stupid!” I laugh at the irony.

Raina the Linebacker is up. She says that she gets up the runway and does “a cute pose.” I can only assume that she is referring to the little kick she did at the end. It was awkward. she’s grinning like an idiot.

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

I'm a happy and positive person!

Alasia goes, and she actually looks great.

Alexandra’s up, and she rocks a little air guitar.

The girls go for a wardrobe change, and it’s chaos.

Now, they’ll be walking out with partners.

Nicole goes with some model who puts an arm around her.

Alexandra and Alasia are together, and march out with arms held out, like, “Hey, world, look at me!”

Jessica and Angelea get to the end of the runway and high-five each other.

A bunch of other girls go.

Then Raina and Krista walk out together. Krista definitely has better legs than Raina.

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Who do you want to look at more?

This is actually a great casual collection; lots of fun.

Raina blows a kiss to the audience as they walk off the runway.

Krista feels great, like she’s on “Cloud Twenty-Five.” Hee!

Raina feels like she just has to win now.

Tyra debriefs with the girls. She asks Krista what she thinks makes her extra-special and why she thinks she should win.

Krista replies that she has a great walk and she brought her personality to it and had a lot of fun “just doing me.” She stayed true to herself instead of being fake.

Tyra asks how Krista felt growing up, if she thought she was pretty. I’m thinking, “What the heck kind of question is that?”

Krista says that she never thought she was pretty until she got to high school and found who she was. She gets all verklempt as she talks about girls who grow up and don’t even think they’re pretty. Uh, Krista, I’ve got news for you. Some of us just aren’t. But we learn to feel comfortable in our own skin anyway. She loves herself even though she’s imperfect, and hopes she can help others to love themselves, too.

Tyra calls modeling a “calling” that’s “bigger than you.” For Alexandra, that’s quite a calling.

Krista’s passion is to talk to the dark, skinny girls out there who don’t think they’re pretty. Meanwhile, a group of white, fat girls droop a little further down on their couches and reach for the Doritos.

Tyra talks to Raina next and asks her how she did. Raina thinks she did well because she let loose and had fun and was herself.

Tyra asks how she felt, being “little Raina” and getting so far.

Raina never imagined she’d ever get this far, and feels like she’s transformed into a model.

Tyra asks Raina to take her back to the lowest she ever felt. Tyra is clearly angling for tears.

Raina admits that she was picked on for being tall and gangly, on top of having huge eyebrows and huge lips. Honey, there is no excuse for the eyebrows. It’s called “plucking” and it’s not that hard.

Tyra says that those are the things she finds beautiful about Raina because she likes the odd and different beauty that Raina embodies. She says that it’s the odd things that make us beautiful. Tell that to my small eyes, Tyra. Tell it to my small eyes.

Raina used to be insecure, but she’s become this super-confident model.

Panel! Tyra is wearing a square. I don’t know how else to describe it.

She compliments the girls on how stunning they are. “All the dreck is gone,” she gushes.

Raina has come from Minnetonka, MN, and Raina has come from Pine Bluff, AR, and they are both finalists.

Tyra summarizes the prizes for the last time, and introduces the judges. Jay Alexander, “runway diva coach extraordinaire,” is the guest judge. Jay is wearing this crazy, ginormous feather hat, and I kind of love it.

Both girls step forward. Raina looks awkward and shouldery in her dress, like she’s leaning forward for some reason.

Jay thought that Krista took short, staccato steps. I didn’t see that. I thought her strides were nice and long. ALT agrees with me (suck it, Jay!) and thought Krista was bouncy, smiling, and real.

Tyra was nervous about Krista doing bouncy, when she’s so used to doing high fashion. But she did think it was just a touch cheesy.

Jay thought Raina’s walk improved a lot, but thought it was slightly affected at times. ALT thought she was a Clydesdale. Tyra loves Clydesdales and loved Raina’s walk.

Now, that's a beautiful model.

Now it’s time for the Cover Girl shoot.

Raina’s picture is pretty. Nigel calls it gentle and feminine. ALT thinks it’s fresh and “American girl next door,” but he doesn’t get the excitement. There’s no twinkle, and I agree.

Jay calls Krista’s picture “in-your-face beauty.” There’s a little extra “oomph” from somewhere inside. Tyra thinks her face is beautiful, but she’s not smiling with her eyes.

Commercials! This should be good.

Nigel says Raina has a charming timbre to her voice (he says it all French). But he tells her not to forget her eyes — I told you she was squinting!

ALT loved her smile, but didn’t see her personality come through in a way that said “Cover Girl.” Tyra didn’t say anything new.

Jay tattled to Tyra that Krista blanked out. Nigel says it’s okay because that happens, but it’s important not to lose yourself. Tyra says that if you forget your lines, just stay in the commercial.

Nigel says that, quite frankly, that the light loves her. That is true.

Deliberations! Shots of all the judges looking serious.

Raina is interesting and odd. Krista has beautiful skin and a stunning collarbone.

Both were strong in the cycle and showed versatility. They’re both charming and stunning.

Krista’s a better whole-body model. Raina’s a better beauty model.

Tyra asks for ALT’s opinion on the girls’ international appeal. ALT thinks that Raina would do well in England and Europe. But he thinks Krista would be a better for an international market.

Jay thinks Krista is great for shows, while Raina would be great for pictures.

Nigel thinks Raina would be more successful globally than domestically. He says that Krista has more drama and more heart.

They’re both great, but, like Highlander, “There can only be one!!”

THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!!

America’s Next Top Model is:

Krista!

She breaks down in tears, and sobs hysterically to Raina, “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”

Raina holds it together remarkably well and tells Krista it’s okay and congratulates her and wishes her good luck. She’s determined not to stop. She’s a very gracious loser.

Tyra tells Krista that she’s amazing, and the embodiment of America’s Next Top Model. She learned, listened, and blossomed. She totally deserves to win.

She’s overwhelmed! Nigel actually picks her up and twirls her around. She gets hugs and kisses from Jay and ALT. She just can’t believe it, and no one ever though it would be her.

There are cute pictures of Krista when she was little, and then we flip through her portfolio. She has truly grown. She really is beautiful, and totally deserved to win.

We get to see Krista’s magazine cover and various other shots of Krista working it over the cycle. Then we see her pic with Tyra.

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

America's Fourteenth Top Model

Yay, Krista! I’m satisfied that she won. That’s because they edited the show so that I would like her more than I liked Raina.

America’s Next Top Model, C14E10 Recap: “Ugly-Pretty Woman”

Aww, it’s hard to believe that the cycle is already over. But it’s also kind of a relief, to be honest. This cycle was only moderately fun. I guess I might be outgrowing the show. Awww.

But on with the show!

Last week: Jessica was eliminated!

Raina, Angelea, Krista, and Alexandra will remain. Two will be eliminated in the first hour!

Krista has been best pic three weeks in a row, so she’s feeling a lot of pressure to keep up the good work.

The girls all freak out about being in the Final Four.

Alexandra is disappointed that she hasn’t been called first, yet. My guess is that she never will be. However, she is inexplicably confident that she will be in the Top TWo.

She says that she’s always telling everyone that you have to be a lot more to be a plus-sized model. My guess is about fifty to sixty pounds more.

She claims that when you hire a plus-sized model, that you know you’re getting tons of personality, tons of confidence, and someone who wants to be themselves. What a great deal! No wonder every designer is taking advantage of the ossom opportunity to get more confidence and personality for the same price!

Alexandra cannot stand Raina. The girls are out on the balcony and Raina, pretending to be a reporter, shoves an invisible microphone in Alexandra’s face and asks, “How does it feel to be America’s Next Top Model?” Alexandra wordlessly slaps Raina’s hand away. Hilarious!!

There’s a montage of Raina dancing around and screaming, “FINAL FOUR!!” about a billion times.

Alexandra is not alone. “Maybe she can ride her strong face through to win it,” Alexandra muses.

“I knew you would,” says Krista.

“Really?” fawns Raina, thinking somebody’s finally being nice to her.

“Yeah,” deadpans Krista, “that face.” She says it with a hint of disgust. It is perfect. Boy, the editing works. I totally want Krista to win.

Raina explains that the rest of the girls just can’t handle the fact that they can’t rattle her. She believes that her story is that of the ugly duckling who found volleyball. “And modeling,” she hastily tacks on.

Angelea feels like the underdog. It’s been a while since she’s had a win, and everyone else seems to be on a hot streak. But she says she’ll be darned (edited!) if Krista wins. “America’s ready to see somebody like me be Top Model,” she insists. I’ll be darned if that’s true.

ALT visits the girls with armloads of flowers. That’s sweet!

Krista’s nervous because the girls are all in their “house clothes” and she’s afraid of being called “dreckitude.”

ALT gives them primers on how to act with designers of different nationalities.

Krista asks about the origins of “dreckitude.” ALT simply defines “dreck” and leaves it at that.

The rest is sadly boring. Except for the fact that he used to lick stamps for Andy Warhol (not a euphemism) and lived at the YMCA “with the real cockroaches and the human cockroaches.”

"Lick my stamps."

Angelea feels that she and ALT understand each other because she, too, came from the gutter.

ALT gives them a few last words of encouragement and then doles out hugs and kisses. I am jealous.

Tyra Mail! “Time to get ready for a different kind of runway. Pack an overnight bag. Love, Tyra.” Cue Raina screams.

The girls get to the airport, where Jay meets them. They’re going to Queenstown for a photoshoot on “diverse terrain.”

Raina’s looking forward to showing everyone how great she is, by which she simply means “better than Krista.”

The girls are on the plane and a voice comes over the PA. It’s Jay Alexander. Both Jays are there.

They are going to have to stomp down the aisle of an airplane in flight, passengers and all. It’s a runway challenge!

Please, it’s not like it’s a train or a boat. Planes aren’t nearly as unstable.

Boh Runga jewelry is the prize. Krista says that the prize is amazing. I doubt she has ever heard of Boh Runga.

Hmm, cute.

The girls are supposed to show their personalities, as Tyra has often done.

Alexandra gushes that she has heels in her bag — she’s a model that’s prepared!!

Krista hilariously confesses that she wanted to punch Alexandra in the throat. “Are you guys gonna wear your heels??” she squawks in imitation of Alexandra.

It just gets better and better. Angelea only has one heel. I once flew to Ireland with a pair of heels in my suitcase and, when I landed, there was only one left. I bet Angelea has found my other Enzo Angiolini pump.

I know it's out there somewhere.

Alexandra goes first. She walks down the aisle, grabs a pair of sunglasses, puts them on like Horatio Caine and keeps walking. Jay Manuel comments that she’s trying, but it was a little stiff.

"Alexandra must have been bad (*puts on sunglasses*) because it looks like she wants to get Cained." YEEEEAAAAAHHHH!!!!!

She reaches the end of the runway and mimics a flight attendant pointing out the exit doors. But fiercer! It’s actually kinda cute, though. On her return to the front of the cabin, she keeps stopping to pose, and Jay Alexander does not approve. I will say that she looks like she had a good time.

Jay Alexander pushes her, and tells her to be playful. She doesn’t think she can go as nuts as Alexandra, but keeps a smile on her face and puts on sunglasses. “I love how she’s working her little jacket,” comments Jay Manuel. I think they like her.

Manuel calls Angelea “Miss My Left Foot,” and tells her she’s up. She is wearing one heel, and her walk is so super-janky. Raina judges her for not taking the challenge seriously. Krista’s commentary is the best; she says, “Child, she look like she just came up off the street, like, ‘Ha! Yes. Yes. You, too, boo; don’t forget about me.” Jay Alexander mimics her. Ooh, that was bad.

Raina shows no personality. She just flips her hair. Jay Manuel says she walks like a linebacker. Raina shows us how out of touch she is with reality by complimenting her own walk, saying that she was really fun and flirty and engaged the audience. I’m sure that the other passengers are just like, “What the??? And where is that stewardess with my pretzels and cranberry juice?”

Jay Manuel comments on each of the girls.

Alexandra took their advice, but stopped and started too much.

Raina didn’t bring the grace and elegance of her photos to her walk.

Angelea doesn’t handle new tasks well. She’s not like a model.

Jay Alexander comments on Krista’s walk and tells her that she needs to take longer steps.

There can only be one winner. It’s Krista. Duh. She acts all shocked, but she had to have known that she would win.

The other passengers applaud listlessly. Seriously, what do you have to do to get an extra blanket around here?

Alexandra is upset. She feels like she’s putting so much into it, but just can’t win. “I don’t handle losing well at all,” she admits. That explains why she just keeps gaining! ZING!!

They arrive in Queenstown and drive an hour away. NZ is so freakin’ beautiful I can hardly stand it.

Jay Manuel tells us that Queenstown got its name from this beauty, because it’s “fit for a queen.” Where’s Jay Alexander, then?

The photoshoot will focus on the “ugly-pretty” look that Tyra’s always blathering on about. The landscape will be the pretty, and the girls will provide the ugly. My head explodes trying to calculate which joke I should insert here.

Then Jay drops the bomb that two of them will go home at this elimination.

Angelea comments, “That is some drama fo you a$$.” Lordy me, I hope that Angelea gets dropped.

Jay sends the girls off to hair and makeup, calling after them, “Watch the sheep poop!”

This shoot is going to be super-editorial, which I love. I think I love ugly-pretty.

Alexandra’s nervous about the double elimination.

Krista quips: “At the end of the day, I’m not gonna be happy is Angelea makes America’s Next Top Model.” Oh, Krista, you are a delight.

Jay loves Krista off the bat. She’s rockin’ it out. Jay comments that her eyes are the only part of her that are still trying to give “soft, serene, and pretty.” Krista explains that she tried to give a variety of different looks. She feels like she got a great shot, but isn’t sure if it’ll be enough to put her in the Top Two.

Angelea’s wearing a corset, and it’s tight. “I don’t see how they wore those back in the day, trying to be cute.”

Alexandra is also wearing a corset. The stylist says she looks like “George Washington’s wife.” Uh, that would be Martha.

She does bear a remarkable resemblance to Alexandra.

Alexandra says that it’s been a while since a plus-sized model won ANTM. Uh, it wasn’t that long ago.

"Hi, there, remember me?" That was only Cycle 10.

The photographer stops to direct her a bit. Jay tells her that what she’s doing is beautiful, but not quite edgy enough. He wants her to get uglier. She does, and the results are satisfactory.

Raina shows up in an amazing tulle gown. Jay talks to Raina about her weakness: she doesn’t like to step outside the box. She needs to step it up a notch.

Her shots are pretty, but not ugly or edgy enough. She just doesn’t seem to get it. He tells her she’s still trying to control herself too much. Jay tells her she took his direction well, but he wishes she could find a way to step out of her standard box of poses.

Angelea is determined to do what she wants to do and not overthink it. Her looks are too blandly sweet. Jay complains that she’s just giving him “model.” He wants more anger and intensity. “Jay be callin’ my a$$ out,” laughs Angelea. He asks her if she gets what he means by “ugly-pretty.” She says it makes her mad when he gives her negative feedback, and she wishes she could tune him out. That’s called “not taking criticism well,” honey.

She claims to understand, but it is clear that she does not. She finally gets a few awkward and cool shots. Jay can tell she’s not comfortable with him pushing her, though. He reminds her of how she pulled it out of nowhere for the Cover Girl subway shoot. He asks her what she did that night. “The honest answer?” she asks.

He asks for the honest answer. She replies that she was tired of him harping on her all the time. He tells her that she needs to find a place where she can say, “I’m doing this for me.” That doesn’t make a lick of sense.

“I did all I can do,” shrugs Angelea.

The girls return to the loft to find Krista’s prizes on the dining room table. “Yay, me!” rears its ugly head again.

She gets $2,000 worth of jewelry from Boh Runga. Since she got best pic last week, she also gets an additional $1,000. If I were here, I would totally sell it. I’m just like that; I’d rather have the money. This coming from someone who wrote for a jewelry blog for a year.

Raina complains that Krista only cares about herself. What, just because she won a ginormo prize and didn’t offer to share it with you? The grapes. They is sour.

Tyra Mail! Eliminations!

Krista feels sick to her stomach. She doesn’t want to go back to being a store manager.

Alexandra’s nervous. All she’s ever wanted is to be a model, and everyone’s always told her, “No, no, no” because she doesn’t have the body type.

Angelea is also nervous.

Raina is sure that Krista will be in the Top Two. She just hopes to be there with her. That actually raises an interesting question. I’m sure that Krista will make it, and I’m fairly certain that Angelea will not. So the big question is not “who will win?” I’m sure that’s going to be Krista. What I really want to know is: Who will be runner up?

Panel! Tyra is afflicting us with yet another awful jumpsuit. She is SO trying to make “fetch” happen.


That is so fetch!

The guest judge is Jay Manuel.

There will be a double elimination, and the finalists will be “stomping to the death” in an Anna Sui fashion show. That’s actually kind of a big deal; Anna Sui’s a big-name designer.

Of course Tyra has to mention that she walked in an Anna Sui show when she was “just a little young’un like y’all.”

Oh, the jumpsuit. The agony, the agony!

Raina is first. Her best shot is… okay, I guess. It looks like a still from a period film. It’s supposed to be ugly-pretty, and I think that’s mostly accomplished by her eyebrows. Jay mentions that she struggled on set because she was so fixated on being pretty-pretty. Tyra didn’t think she succeeded in getting out of the box.

Angelea is next. Tyra compliments her dress, which was from her go-see challenge win. ALT tells her that she has a wardrobe that will last her for seasons. Jay tells her that she wasn’t very creative. She looks very uncomfortable in the photo. That’s not “ugly-pretty,” IMO. ALT likes the pic because she looks so ethnic. What’s with ALT and the “ethnic” comments? Tyra likes the pic because she looks so haunted in the pic. She’s haunted by her looming elimination, IMO. Jay goes back to the Cover Girl shoot again and tells her she can recapture that because the power comes from within her. Meh.

Krista’s next, and the judges applaud her challenge win and her look at panel. She does look great. Her shot is freakin’ amazing. She’s totally going to win. Tyra loves the androgyny of her face. “This could be a dude!” she gushes. Heehee! ALT is emotional. He thinks the photo is exceptional. He exclaims that she could book John Galliano with this pic. His voice breaks a little as he tells her, “You have no idea how beautiful this is to me.” Jay compliments how she stepped up to the creativity of the set. Tyra tells her that she created space so that we can see the background through certain body parts. Throughout her critique, we see shots of the other girls standing there, looking forlorn as Krista is praised to the skies. They totally know that they can’t catch her, now. It’ll be a fight to the finish for second place.

Alexandra is up. Her pic is… interesting. Nigel thinks it looks like a still from a movie, which might not be a great thing. Jay thinks she swung a little too far and got “ugly-ugly” instead of “ugly-pretty.” Tyra likes that she’s playing with her hand. ALT sees something in her face that projects personality.

Deliberations! Nigel says this feels like final eliminations. Tyra and Jay both agree. I think it’s because they all know Krista’s going to win, so it’s a nail-biter to figure out who’s going to be runner-up.

Raina. Nigel thinks she’s really blossomed, and he sees real talent emerging. Jay thinks she’s an undeniable beauty who takes direction well, but she might not have the versatility because of her “laser focus” on what she thinks she needs to be. ALT says she seems to want to be there, but he doesn’t get an emotional response from her that he’s seen in others.
Krista. ALT has never seen any dreckitude from her, and she’s consistently listened, learned, watched, and observed. Her latest photo shows the height of her growth. “From dreck to the trek,” quips Tyra. Jay says that she focuses so much on her body that she struggles the most with her face. She’s usually lacking in expression, and it’s almost time for that Cover Girl shoot.
Alexandra. Nigel thinks she has one of the best plus-sized shapes he’s seen in a long time. She’ll get work in plus-sized modeling industry. Jay says that she’s always aware of her angle and eyeline to the camera. She can work that body. Tyra thinks she’s stunning. She’s sweet and nice, but Tyra doesn’t know who she is. ALT agrees.
Angelea. Jay says that she’s always like, “I’m here. What you want me to do, boo?” but then doesn’t do it. ALT thinks she needs exposure, travel, and meeting other types of people. Jay asks ALT if, when he looks at Angelea, he thinks she sees this competition as the end or the beginning. That’s actually kind of a good question. He says that he thinks that if Angelea doesn’t win, she won’t ever try modeling again. He says that her career isn’t up to them, but up to her. Tyra talks about models who didn’t win, but are working: Fatima, Anya, Katarzyna, Mollie Sue.

Fatima: "I'm"

Anya: "Working"

Katarzyna: "After"

Mollie Sue: "ANTM!"

A decision has been made. The girls are called back in.

So who are our finalists?

Krista is one, of course. She screams with joy and shoves Alexandra in her glee. Her picture was absolutely incredible. She totally deserves to win.

Alexandra, Raina, and Angelea step forward. Only one will be a finalist.

Alexandra has an amazing combo of face and body, but her pix are inconsistent. Raina is “the second coming of Brooke Shields.” Did she ever leave? Anyway, Raina has eyes like a wolf, but lacks creativity and falls flat when asked to step outside her comfort zone. Angelea has an edgy face, but the judges wonder if she can take critique and still forge ahead.

So who’s the finalist who will compete with Krista?

It’s Raina. She is shocked into silence. I can’t believe it. Not that she’s a finalist, but that she’s silent.

Krista does not look pleased. Oh, please. Like it matters. Girl, you’ve got this thing in the bag.

Tyra goes to hug Alexandra and Angelea. She calls Alexandra “the second coming of amazingness.” Angelea is crying. Tyra encourages her to learn how to take critique and still keep her head held high.

The girls hug each other goodbye. Angelea informs the judges that they will see her again. Not likely.

She does a “hammer dance.”

“See that? That’s what I’m talking about,” says Tyra. “This is not the first rejection. But you’ve gotta keep moving on.” Huh? Is that supposed to be comforting in any way?

Now that the sad faces have been banished from the room, the finalists are free to celebrate.

Anna Sui wants happy, smiling faces on the runway, which is a departure from the usual deadpan fierceface that they usually give.

“I am so mad,” sighs Alexandra. She came because she knew she’d make a great model, and wanted to give fat girls something to believe in. We see her portfolio, and her face really is great. She is wearing ridiculously short shorts. Girl, no. She says that her modeling career is about to take off, and she can’t wait for it to.

“Angelea is still a winner. I’m still that ***ch; I don’t care what nobody says.” She says, “even though I’m not in the final two, I’m still America’s Next Top Model. I don’t care.” Oh, my.

So, before we take a look at the finale, let’s rank the photos from this leg of the journey, shall we?

4. Angelea

America's Next Top Model

Anybody know where the nearest port-a-potty is?

This was clearly the worst picture of the bunch. She looks like she’s gotta take a crap. As far as her pictures are concerned, she’s come a long way; much further than I ever thought she could, I’ll admit.

But in person, she’s still a terror, and she’s going to have to really work on that if she wants to have a career after ANTM.

3. Raina

America's Next Top Model

I wanna be America's Next Top Model soooooo baaaaaaaaad.

Raina’s pic is only slightly better than Angelea’s. I really don’t like her face at all; she looks like she’s sick, psychotic, or both. And this was the pic that got her into the final? Shenanigans.

2. Alexandra

America's Next Top Model

Yes, I'll be taking over the world now that I'm done with this show.

I was actually quite surprised by Alexandra’s performance in the competition. She kept getting better and better, and her pix actually ended up looking consistently better than she did at panel (some of her outfits were truly ghastly).

She actually has a chance at a successful plus-sized modeling career after this. I can’t believe I’m saying it, either.

1. Krista

America's Next Top Model

Perfection.

Krista has earned her win with this picture. It’s perfection. That’s all that can be said, really. I didn’t like Krista much at the beginning of the competition; I thought her look was too harsh. But she totally proved me wrong. Her pix have been just amazing. She deserves the win.

Thoughts?

America’s Next Top Model, C14E09 Recap: “Hobbits vs. Models”

Last week: The girls got to New Zealand and went on go-sees. ALT’s salon princess, Alasia, got the boot.

Who’s gettin’ the boot this week?

Raina congratulates the rest of the girls for making the Top Five. She is sooo fake.

Alexandra says she needs to take out all of these “skinny tarts.” She inexplicably says she’s like Donkey Kong. Draw your own inferences there.

Jessica knows that she needs to work harder to look “more fierce.” Good luck with that, catalog honey.

Krista’s picture is up in the hamsters’ apartment. The other girls are clearly jealous as Krista cheers for herself.

Krista declares: “I’m gonna run right past ’em and throw a deuce up at ’em.” Uh, I hope she means a peace sign and not the deuce I’m thinkin’ of.

Sorry, but this is just where my mind goes when I hear the word "deuce."

Angelea can’t understand why Krista keeps getting #1. She says she’s not as close to Krista as she used to be, and she thinks it’s because the competition’s getting more serious. Uh, you think? Could it be possible that you guys are hating on each other because you don’t want your friend to get what you want so badly?

It certainly wouldn’t be the first time that a competition ruined a friendship. Not that I’d call a relationship formed on ANTM a “friendship,” really.

Jessica starts talking about the fam. I guess that means she’s getting the boot this week. She talks about missing them and, in an attempt to get more of a “homey” feeling in the loft, she decides to make tacos for everyone.

Jessica tries to warm taco shells on top of the toaster and ends up starting a fire. The girls freak out. If this weren’t such an obviously staged fire, they would all sooooo be dead.

I know of at least one person who wouldn't have approved how all of this went down.

Krista and Alexandra, who are suddenly BFF, mercilessly tease Jessica for failing to make tacos without starting a ginormo fire. Jessica will never try to cook again. Sorry, husband and child. You’ll have to either get super-skinny from not eating or super-fat from eating out all the time.

Krista grills Jessica about not cooking at home. She says that she just makes side dishes. Krista asks her if she works, and she admits that she’s a stay-at-home mom. Yet, she doesn’t cook. Krista and Alexandra seem to think that a mom must have plenty of time to cook every day because taking care of a baby is easy! Morons.

“Your baby is totally screwed,” comments Krista. Alexandra calls her an idiot. It’s quite ignorant and mean. But Jessica is also ignorant and occasionally mean, so that’s moot.

Tyra Mail! “Who says you can’t fit a square peg into a round hole? Love Tyra!”

They don’t understand what this means, and Raina recites it from memory as they drive to the site. “My name is Raina and I know everything word for word,” mimics Alexandra in a high-pitched voice. Krista and Alexandra are totally antagonizing the rest of the girls., and I’m sure it’s going to eventually bite one of them in the butt. It’ll probably be Alexandra. There’s so much more of her butt to bite, you see.

Raina used to be an ugly kid and then found volleyball and became competitive. How that makes sense to anyone, only Raina knows. She says that NZ’s beauty is going to keep her from taking all the teasing to heart.

The girls get to visit Hobbiton, and I am super-jealous. “Look at all the poop!” cries one of the girls.

Idyllic. New Zealand was made to be Hobbiton.

Jay Manuel meets them at the Hobbiton movie set. It is beautiful. Sara McLeod is there to help judge the challenge. She played Hobbit Rosie Cotton (that cute hobbit that Samwise Gamgee has a crush on) in Lord of the Rings.

Girlfriend makes an adorable hobbit.

Angelea has never seen it. She’s officially more clueless than Jessica. Ms. McLeod has the strongest Kiwi accent of all time.

The girls each get five frames to pose in the doorway of the hobbitholes.

The outfits that the girls will be wearing are from World Design.

Alexandra starts. She says that she’s not about to let her being plus-sized get in her way. No, that only gets in the way when she’s trying to tie her shoes.

Krista recognizes that she and Angelea have drifted apart. She thinks it’s because of the competition. It probably is. “Yay, me!” is quickly becoming Krista’s favorite catch phrase.

Angelea rolls her eyes.

Jessica is screwing up royally. She’s too literal and has no energy. Her shoot is too commercial. Alexandra says: “Like, I thought I was looking at a Dillard’s catalog.” I’m sure that she’s the only one of these girls who has ever seen a Dillard’s catalog.

dillards

She's going to need this in a bigger size.

Raina has to wear the most awful green pants. She says she’s inspired by the scenery. She is such a fake.

Alexandra was too pinup-y in her shoot.

Raina’s use of the space wasn’t comfortable.

Jessica was too standard.

Angelea’s was simple, but it worked.

Krista’s length in her arms and neck. Krista thinks Angelea needs to learn that there’s no way she can win this competition. Subtle.

Angelea’s sure that this is her redemption. She threatens to light Krista on fire. Like Jessica’s tacos?

The winner get $3,000 worth of clothes from World Design. And the prize goes to Krista. Since she also got best photo last week, she actually gets an extra $1,500 on top of the $3,000. Angelea is furious. Krista gloats shamelessly. Just a little sensitivity, hon. You’ve gotta know when to stop.

“Yay, me!” hits us again.

Angelea snits, “I don’t care. She can keep them clothes. I’ll buy new clothes when I get that contract.”

Back at the ranch, Krista and Alexandra mock Angelea’s “club thing” last week.


It’s okay, Nigel. I still don’t get it, either.

Angelea, sporting Ugly Headwrap #17, complains about the teasing and insists that she was just trying to have fun. Krista has no sympathy for her because Angelea dished out plenty of mocking to the other girls, and now that she’s the target of the teasing, she suddenly thinks that others should pull punches with her. She has a point.

Angelea tries not to let it affect her because she “grew up on [sic] Buffalo.” Apparently, the schools in Buffalo aren’t the best. She says that she refuses to let the other girls get to her. Looks like it’s a little too late for that.

Tyra Mail! “If you want to be a true top model, you might have to shadow one.”

The girls have no idea what this means, and Jessica ventures a guess. Krista calls Jessica’s guess lame, and then calls Jessica lame and walks off. That was just a touch unnecessarily belligerent. Jessica gets all wide-eyed and hurt. She misses her fam and wishes she could go home just for a day and then fly right back. I’m thinking that she’s going back to be with them on a more permanent basis.

Alexandra complains about Raina’s fakeness to Krista. Krista says that she just focuses on her shoot and that, with a little practice, Alexandra can, too. Considering how mean Krista’s been this episode, I was surprised to see her being so diplomatic in private.

It’s a good thing she was diplomatic because Raina chooses that moment to interrupt them. “Morning, glories!” she chirps perkily over the balcony railing. “Oh, Mylanta!” she gushes. Alexandra is totally right about Raina.

Jay Manuel meets the girls at a vineyard. He informs them that they literally plant the vines so that the grapes get maximum light for ripening. The girls will have to find the light in a lot of shadows.

“Because you never know what lurks in the shadows!” interrupts a voice from around the corner. It’s Tyra! RUN!!

Watch out for them shadows. They can bite you.

She’s shooting a shadow-shoot with the girls. Apparently, she’s always wanted to do this shoot, and she tells them, “You get to be my lucky specimens.” Seriously, RUN, girls!!

They’ll be playing with shadows. They’re looking for the light in each shot. There will be mud in the girls’ hair, for no discernible reason.

The girls are excited and nervous about shooting with Tyra. “Yo, Tyra cool as hell,” Angelea informs us.

Tyra walks into hair and makeup and tells the girls to start thinking about “shadows, secrets, what are you hiding?” The other girls practice, but Jessica just stares blankly at herself in the mirror. She’s totally psyching herself out.

The girls get clay in their hair, and Alexandra goes first. She’s supposed to find the light through the shadow, but there doesn’t seem to be much shadow to me, since the “shadow” is being formed by a lace tablecloth being held above her. She needs to “find the light through the fabric.” Seems to be plenty of light to me.

Tyra wants her to get more “danger” in her face, and gives her a whole story to think about. Tyra loved shooting Alexandra. She had a runny nose and kept sniffling. I bet that helps with the “inhale” in her photos.

Jessica is next, and she suddenly can’t stop talking about her fam. She’s so outta here.

Jessica is “a sweet girl with a secret,” according to Tyra. But her shoot too commercial and she can’t get too angry and weird. She’s quite boring. She can’t do “ugly-pretty” or weird. But then Tyra tells her to get all sexy and she finally gets it.

Angelea says that she’s sure that all the fake friendship in the house is going to stop. That is a surprise to no one.

Jay tells Raina to find the same love for last week’s dress for this week’s panties. Because that’s all she’s going to be wearing.

Tyra had been looking forward to shooting Raina’s “wolf eyes,” but was disappointed. “She gave me Siberian Husky, but not wolf.”

Hey, Huskies are fierce, too. (Also: SUCK IT, Rowles.)

Alexandra exults that “Raina’s finally — FINALLY! — starting to go downhill.” And that’s not petty at all.

Raina’s finished and gives Tyra a naked hug. Weeeiiiird.

Angelea’s determined to do well because she sucked last week. Her shoot is boring. She’s too “high school portrait,” according to Tyra. Tyra tries to motivate her by telling her, “You’re tired and hot and you’ve got a secret.” What’s with Tyra and the secrets?

Angelea was “sweet soft and blah.” Tyra told her to just be dead, and she finally got it. Because dead face is just second nature to Angelea.

The sun is quickly setting. They’re losing light for Krista’s shoot. Krista wants to try soft and pretty instead of mean. They’re chasing the light. Tyra wants more cheetah from Krista. “You’re a cheetah with a secret!” Tyra is seriously obsessed.

Double suck-it, Rowles. Also, I wonder what this cheetah's secret is. Because, according to Tyra, everybody's got a secret.

Krista gets it and turns out some amazing photos.

Raina says that everyone had a good shoot today. Uh, did she not hear any of the criticisms? I heard plenty. She’s so fake.

The girls all still have mud iin their hair as they ride home on the bus.

Tyra mail! Eliminations!

Raina doesn’t want to go home. DUH.

Panel! Sara McLeod is the guest judge this week. Tyra tells us that she was in Lord of the “Rangs”. “That’s how you say it in Inglewood! Holla!” Okay, okay, you rose up to your fame from the ghetto. We get it.

Nigel tells Alexandra that she looks great. This baffles me, as she is wearing a tank top that makes her look just like a tank. But her shot is beautiful. Nigel totally gets what Tyra was trying to do with the sense of wonder in the photo. I fear for his sanity. ALT praises Tyra’s creativity. Just as I’m about to complain that this panel has degenerated into “All Praise Tyra Time,” ALT chimes in that he thinks Alexandra looks almost ethnic, like she’s from Istanbul. That would make her Turkish, no, ALT?

And of course the mention of Istanbul immediately makes me think of this:


I loved “Tiny Toons.”

Raina’s pic is rather dark. Her face is too angry. Tyra actually likes the anger because it’s different from Raina’s usual shots. Tyra didn’t feel any passion in the shoot though.

Angelea is wearing a beautiful dress that she won from last week’s challenge and then she promptly ghettos it up by striking a goofy pose.

The photo is calm, but the close-up isn’t that good, though. Nigel gives her some good advice about looking beyond the camera in a shot. Kinda like following through in golf or tennis or baseball or even bowling.

And even singing, apparently.

Jessica is unenthusiastic, but Sara McLeod is interested by her pic. ALT thinks it’s pretty, but he’s at a loss for words as to explain why he disapproves of the pic, and he asks Nigel for help. Nigel simply says that she doesn’t have enough intensity. We can’t see past the shadow to her.

Krista, on the other hand found perfect light and her profile is gorgeous. ALT thinks her shot is cover-quality. Tyra loved her variety. At this rate, if she doesn’t win this cycle, it’ll be a complete shock.

Deliberations.

Alexandra. Nigel loves the picture. “Thank you,” gushes Tyra. Uh, I think he was trying to compliment Alexandra, Tyra. ALT loves her “ethnic” look. If ALT were white, people would probably accuse him of being racist.
Raina. ALT didn’t like this at all. He saw all anger and not beauty. She didn’t push.
Angelea. Nigel noticed that her body is much better because she’s on the ground, and it forces her to relax her shoulders. But her eyes were lost.
Jessica. The picture didn’t do anything for anybody. But she does have a lot of enthusiasm on set, which is a plus. But her face and passion aren’t strong enough to model high concept.
Krista. ALT thinks it’s totally vu, whatever that means.

The judges have made their decision.

The usual spiel. Only four photos in her hands, you know.

So who’s this week’s winner?

Krista. No surprise there. But she has the tact to act somewhat surprised.

Runner-up is Alexandra, and she actually really deserves it. But, man, she looks bigger than ever at panel this week.

Angelea is third. She doesn’t seem quite so dejected this week, which is a plus, I suppose.

Jessica and Raina step forward. Jessica totally knows she’s out.

But let’s go through the pleasantries, shall we? Jessica is so sweet, so pretty — so commercial. It’s a money-maker, but not a career-maker. But if she concentrates she can be edgy. Raina knows how to evoke romance and renaissance and couture, but falls flat when it comes to edge. So who’s still in the running?

Raina’s in. That’s no surprise. Tyra was excited to shoot Raina, but was disappointed. The camera inexplicably cuts to Jessica as Tyra critiques Raina.

She moves on to Jessica, our ousted hamster. “Commercial is the kiss of death on this show,” Tyra says, but she encourages Jessica to prove the judges wrong. Jessica hugs Raina and Angelea and takes her leave.

She’s excited to see her family and is determined to move to California or New York to continue to pursue her modeling career. Uh, good luck with that, husband and baby. Because, obviously, what’s best for YOU doesn’t matter at all.

Next week on the show: The Final Four get a surprise at the photoshoot. TWO will be eliminated!! And the final two will stomp it out on the runway for the win. Next week is the two-hour cycle finale!! Blessed release!

And now it’s time for RANKINGS!

So, the stupid CW hasn’t posted all the pix, yet, so I’m going to have to go blanksies on some of these until they’re posted.

5. Jessica

America's Next Top Model

Over-the-top eye roll.

There’s no question that Jessica earned the boot that gently helped her out the door this week. This pic is largely unremarkable — except for the fact that her eyes are rolled so far back in her head that I’m surprised she’s not hemorrhaging. I think I can see where her optic nerve attaches to her eyeball.

I think she’s trying for one of these:

Fail. On so many different levels.

4. Angelea

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

You're dead to me.

I could not for the life of me understand how Angelea beat Raina out of the Bottom Two this week. I didn’t think Raina’s pic was spectacular by any stretch of the imagination, but Angelea’s was so boring. The only thing saving her from being the bottom pic for me is the fact that her eye-position isn’t giving me a headache or aneurysm.

But that’s hardly a compliment, now, is it?

3. Raina

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Hungry like the Siberian Husky.

Raina really just looked bored in this picture. She’s supposed to look fierce, but all I’m getting from her is the kind of stare the cool kids in school would give me in middle school when I ventured to volunteer an answer in class. You know, like: “Is she seriously going to try and talk in class?? Who is this loser, anyway?”

SHUT IT, RAINA! I’M JUST AS GOOD AS YOU!!

2. Alexandra

America's Next Top Model

Soft 'n' pretty.

This is a good pic. Granted, I think Alexandra lucked out with a very soft shadow, whereas most of the other girls had to work with some crazy shadows. But her soft look with the soft shadow and the soft light is just so soft and pretty that it makes me want to cuddle up with some down comforters and just look at this picture until I fall asleep on a cloud.

And since this is just a face shot, she doesn’t look plus-sized at all. Maybe it shouldn’t, but it works in her favor in this shot.

1. Krista

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Heil, Krista!

Despite the fact that the shape of the shadows are uncomfortably reminiscent of a swastika to me, this picture is absolutely amazing. Despite the harsh shadows, her face looks soft. It’s clear that she’s looking up, but not hard enough to have a stroke over it (take note, Jessica). Her pose is simple, but that’s good, since it doesn’t compete with the complex shadows playing over her face.

(By the way, this is totally unrelated, but this video spoof of Inglourious Basterds cracked me up.)

So that’s my take. What did you think?

America’s Next Top Model, C14E07 Recap: “Big Hair Day”

Last week on ANTM: Drama! Subways! Crying! Gums!! And the gums are eliminated! Seven girls remain! Who will be eliminated tonight! That should have been a question! But I’m too excited by this crazy music to use any other punctuation mark!

Back at the house, Angelea rejoices that she got the best photo of the week and that Brenda got the boot at the same time.

Krista is the new Angelea in that she hasn’t yet gotten the top pic of the week. Apparently, she is ready to beat you down to get a #1 pic.

Alexandra feels like she’s not in the same category as the other girls. Uh, that’s because you aren’t, honey. You’re a plus-sized model. She doesn’t get how she hasn’t won anything yet. I think that’s more a matter of her blah personality.

Raina and Jessica console one another over Brenda’s booting with the idea that Brenda is happier where she is now. It’s like she’s died. I guess to a hamster, that’s more or less the same thing.

Raina says that she doesn’t know what she’ll do if Jessica gets the boot because then she’ll have no more friends in the house. Somehow, that gives me the impression that she really wouldn’t mind much if Jessica got booted as long as she got to stick around.

They make nice to Alasia, their remaining roommate. Alasia is determined to learn. She’s on a journey of learning. Is a class on cheesy illustrations compulsory at the elementary schools in Marietta?

Anslee doesn’t know how to read Alexandra. But, as I’m sure you’re all aware, she’s here to do this for her family blahblahblah*SNORE*.

Pat Cleveland and Whitney Port barge into the girls’ penthouse via the elevator. Whitney is introduced by Pat and the girls cheer for her. I have no idea who she is. The internet tells me she’s on “The Hills.” I have no idea what that is. Then, the internet tells me that’s that show with that kid from that show about the “real” OC. If by “real” you mean fake boobs and tans, then, yeah. I have absolutely no interest in this Whitney Port. Except that her last name is Port. And I could use a little port right about now.

Who the heck are you, you generic blonde?

Whitney’s taking the girls out and they get to wear clothes from her clothing line. They cheer.

Pat is wearing the craziest falsies ever. She’s also going to be talking to the girls as they get ready to coach them in how to make sure that their personalities shine through.

Seriously. They looked like this, but black and more spidery.

Krista loves big and bold, so Pat tells her to make sure that comes out in her personality. Jessica feels like royalty in her dress, so Pat tells her to make sure that comes out in her personality. Raina explains that Pat is trying to get them to embody their personalities. By just telling them to make sure that random traits come out in their personalities? That’s not coaching, my friend.

Pat gives Alexandra some weird speech about being a bird. This is just awful.

The girls go to Lucky Cheng’s, which turns out to be a drag cabaret. Jessica is scared. Paulina the Princess of Power greets everyone and welcomes them to Lucky Cheng’s, the Drag Queen Capital of the World. And I thought it was Ocean Avenue here in Long Beach on a Saturday night.

Come on, babe, why don't we paint the town... and your face?

Angelea confesses that some people think she looks like a drag queen, so she shouldn’t have any trouble with this challenge. Dang it, she stole my line. I was totally thinking that the minute I saw this was going to be a tranny challenge.

There’s a “dragalicious Tyra,” as Krista puts it. It’s really just a drag queen holding four ANTM photos like Tyra at Elimination. The queens dance. Anslee thinks she can’t compete with a drag queen. Paulina the Princess of Power looks like Rachel Dratch. This is unsettling.

Okay, so this is a costume, but it's not that far off.

Jay Alexander is also there, wearing light dragface, but no hair.

WOW, Raina looks so draggy. Draggy enough to make up for Jay Alexander’s apparent lack of falsies.

It’s a runway challenge with personality, which is supposedly what Pat taught them today. She taught them nothing! This is a sham!!

Alasia’s afraid of being “whomp-whomped” or booed, which is a hilarious way to put it.


There’s a lot of Rachel Dratch in this post, for some reason.

Angelea’s up first. If that’s her personality, then she’s very awkward. But she thinks that she did her thing. Excuse me; I do believe I meant thang.

Jessica’s walk was stiff, but she says she was going for classy. It’s sad to me what her idea of “classy” is.

Alasia is boring. She says she was going for diva, but it just results in her stomping down the runway without a smile.

Alexandra brings the personality — that is, the personality of a horse. Her horse stomps are ridiculous.

Stomp, stomp, stomp!

Raina rips down the runway, and Jay Alexander calls her “sizzle, sizzle.” She does twirls because everybody knows that twirls mean personality! *cue jazz hands*

Suck it, Rowles!

Krista does kind of a ghetto walk, with a mannequin pose at the end that was kinda genius.

Mannequin genius!

Jessica praises Krista’s walk, even though she finds Krista “kinda bossy.”

Anslee tries to be herself. She is boring beyond all belief. Jay says that she walks like she smells burnt garbage. She had no energy.

The audience gets to cheer for their favorite. Alasia gets applause. Angelea gets Applause. Anslee gets absolute silence! Hahahaha!!! That’s classic! She slinks offstage in defeat.

Raina, Jessica and Alexandra get polite applause. Krista gets a rousing ovation, and she is clearly the winner.

Alexandra is disappointed again. Krista is crowned with a tiara and also gets a… what is that? A scepter? A wand? But she declares that she won’t be satisfied until she gets the pic of the week.

Krista and Angelea, who got best picture last week, get to keep their dresses from Whitney’s line, and get to pick five pieces on top of that.

Back at the ranch, Anslee and Angelea talk smack about Jessica’s walk (which, it must be confessed, was quite boring). Anslee says that her walk was stern and strong, which is her personality. She feels like she stayed true to herself. Honey, stern/strong doesn’t equal boring.

Tyra Mail! “Tomorrow could be a hairy situation. Don’t get tangled. Love, Tyra!”

“Ew!” says one of the girls. That makes me wonder what the heck she thinks that means.

Alasia is late again. She’s taking her time, despite the fact that Raina tells her she has four minutes to go. The girls finally have enough and go down without her. She freaks out. Are there no stairs? What happens if there’s a fire?

She freaks out again and keeps pressing the button again and again.

Alasia finally hoofs it down the stairs. “Ain’t nobody told me we was leaving,” she protests. Uh, yeah, they totally did.

Someone calls her an idiot once she gets in the car, and she takes it because it’s her own fault. At least she’s taking responsibility.

The photograhper is Jerry Metellus. Jay Manuel explains that Tyra often talks about making your own “wind in the hair,” but asks, “What if you are wearing outfits made entirely of hair?” Apparently, Kate Moss wore one recently and “mama was working it.”

This is a team challenge. The team captains will be Weaven Steven and Derek J. They make couture out of hair. We see pictures of their work, and there’s a picture of a merman that is ossom.

Derek J, the Merman Maker.

Alasia’s freaking out about the origins of the hair used in these creations.

Alasia, Jessica and Alexandra are with Derek. The leftovers are with Steven.

Weaven Steven. Gotta love a man who wears grillz whilst doing hair.

Krista’s ready to throw down. The girls taunt each other over the barrier separating the teams.

The hair garments are interesting. Certain pieces get glued to them and Angelea inform us that the glue stinks. An off-camera voice informs us that the glue “smells like a**.” Hee!

Anslee is determined to throw off the other team by taunting them. The girls’ attempts at taunting are so stupid as to make me embarrassed for them. “You call that a pose?” “Home Depot called and they want their rug back!” “Epic failure!” *sigh*

I might've liked this better than some of the other garments.

Jessica thought it was really hard. She tries some jumping, but it doesn’t work out the way it did a few challenges ago.

Angelea isn’t swaying enough to suit Jay. The other girls laugh at her, but her photos turn out well.

Raina gets a bunch of good shots.

Anslee does some salsa steps in her hair dress. She is determined to put her own twist on what Jay has to say to “prove to her family that she can do this.” The heck?? How the heck does that prove anything, much less to her family? Even Derek joins in on the taunting. Jay thinks Anslee doesn’t understand modeling.

Krista’s bound and determined to do well today. She wants to try a Grace Jones jump, but Jay tells her she must commit completely to the moves. The results are quite fierce. Krista delivered today.

She's got style, she's got Grace.

Alasia’s next. she’s determined to prove herself because she was in the bottom two last week. Jay wants her to change her facial expressions. She’s got three shots that she keeps doing over and over.

Alexandra is looking nervous. Her gyrations are really stiff and weird. And the reflection of the photoshoot backdrop makes her look orange, like she has a bad Oompa Loompa tan. Ooh, that was not good. She might be in the bottom this week.

Oompa Loompa, doopity-doo, If you overtan, they're coming for you.

Tyra Mail! Eliminations!

Raina asks in a perky voice, “Who’s going home tomorrow?” That’s really annoying. If I were there, I would SO have wanted to smack her.

Anslee doesn’t want to think about her chances of going home. She must know she didn’t do well.

Krista said that everyone’s going in scared. She does Alexandra’s nails. She thinks Alexandra’s losing herself a little bit.

Panel! So, what is Tyra wearing today? Another pantsuit, but a little less 80s. A bit of an improvement, but not by much. She lists the sponsors, and I love how whenever they show Seventeen magazine, they show Nicole’s cover for a split second before covering her with someone else.

Judges! This week’s guest judge is Whitney Port. She’s rather a plain girl, I must say.

ALT says that he has been up all night and is exhausted. The judges are all pretending to be sleepy. They pull out pillows and sleep on them. It’s unbelievably cheesy.

This cowboy walks in, and Tyra says that she needs help to fall asleep. The cowboy says in a Kiwi accent that counting sheep can help you fall asleep. There are sheep at panel. There are cardboard clouds that descend from the ceiling with Zs attached to them. The judges each pull a Z off a cloud, and the worldwide destination this cycle is revealed to be New Zealand (hardy har har har, show). The girls jump up and down. One of them will look back bitterly on all that jumping up and down, since she won’t be going. Only six of the remaining seven girls will go to New Zealand.

Baa, ram, ewe.

Jessica’s up first. In her best shot, her toes are pointed in midair, but her face is rather boring to me. Tyra says she looks like an up-and-comer/one to watch in fashion.

Krista’s pic is absolutely gorgeous. Her angles are beautiful and her face is freakin’ amazing. Tyra loved going through Krista’s film, since each shot was beautiful and unique. Krista remembered her face in every single shot that week. If she doesn’t win, it’ll be shenanigans

Anslee’s up next and the way her train is swirling is nice, and her eyes are fierce. But Whitney thinks she looks a little stiff and ALT doesn’t like her “stereotypical” toe point.

Alasia’s next. Her feet are high fashion. ALT thinks the shot is very Alexander McQueen. Her face is a little boring, though, and Tyra warns her that all of her frames were pretty much the same.

Alexandra’s next. Her shot is… well her body is decent, but ALT says her hands are awkward. I agree with ALT. The judges think her face is great, but her body looks rather stiff to me.

Angelea. Whitney thinks her body looks great. They think she has control of her face, but I disagree. She looks like she’s making a lot of effort to get her face the way it is. I think her feet and legs are stiff, too.

Raina’s last, and the judges think her coat is high fashion, and so is she. Her shot is good, but not necessarily her best.

Deliberations.

Jessica. The model’s job is to work whatever she’s given, but Tyra thinks it’s too on the nose, dancer-wise.
Krista. Nigel thinks she’s come such a long way. I actually agree; she’s really grown on me.
Anslee. She was Whitney’s least favorite.
Alasia. ALT think she’s very Givenchy. Whitney loves her pic as well.
Alexandra. Whitney thinks something about this picture is off. Alexandra doesn’t seem to be connected to what she’s doing and what she thinks she’s doing. Her proportions are spot-on for a plus-sized model, though, according to Nigel.
Angelea. ALT is surprised by her every week. He likes that she challenges his concept of what a model should be. Uh, you mean, like a female model should be female? I find that challenging to believe when I look at Angelea.
Raina. Her eyes are breathtaking. No dreckitude for her this week.

Tyra asks if they have a decision. ALT baas in response.

So, who’s this week’s winner? Seven beautiful young ladies, only six photos, representing the six who will go to New Zealand.

This week’s winner will be flying first class to New Zealand. MAN, can I win it??? I wanna fly first class. To New Zealand.

It’s gotta be Krista. And it is! She’s so excited, and she should be. She kinda rubs it in to the other girls, but not in a mean way.

Angelea is second. She’s excited about going to New Zealand, too.

Raina
Jessica
Alasia

Anslee and Alexandra step up (2 the streets? No, not this time. But wouldn’t that be amazing?). Anslee’s face is stunning, but they fear she might just a beauty model, which, as Tyra explains, means modeling from the chest up. Her H2T (head to toe, for those not in the know) shots are bland. Alexandra’s pix are decent, but she pulls it out every once in a while. The judges are feeling a lack of drive, which is funny because they didn’t mention that at all during her critique.

Dude, and they totally let Alexandra stay.

Anslee’s out, which is too bad for her husband and kid. Eh, they’ll get over it.

Tyra is sad because she loves Anslee’s face. Then she calls it “handsome.” Uh, wow. Is that a Freudian slip or what?

Anslee goes and hugs the girls.

Krista’s flying first class, and she chooses Angelea to fly in first class with her.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Anslee packs up. She’s disappointed. She says that she’s excited to see her child, but she’s devastated that she let her daughter down. Somehow, I’m seeing her devastation much more than I’m seeing her happiness to be reunited with her daughter.

Later, Anslee. We’re already over it.

Next week: the girls get to New Zealand and head straight to go-sees. Alasia leaves her map at her last go-see. Antics ensue!

There will also be a photoshoot with sheep, and the girls will fall all over the hillside. Those sheep do look delightfully woolly, and I want to hug one.

Ahh, now that that’s overwith, we can move on to RANKINGS!

7. Anslee

America's Next Top Model

Awk-ward!

Boy, is this picture awkward. The train of the dress is moving nicely, but Anslee’s body looks so stiff. Her eyes are strong, but strong eyes don’t trump a stiff, mannequin body, no matter how supermodelquinny that body is.

6. Alexandra

America's Next Top Model

Bo-ring!

Okay, so Alexandra’s face is beautiful here, but it’s not that beautiful. The picture is decent, but the pose is awfully posey. I think the judges were right in their assessment that her pix are always decent, but rarely ossom. I don’t foresee her sticking around for much longer.

5. Angelea

America's Next Top Model

Girl, please!

The judges seemed to love this pic, but I have to completely disagree. It doesn’t look high-fashion. She looks like she’s at a ghetto party, saying, “Ooh, child!” I don’t like that her feet are planted on the ground. I also think her face shows all the effort of her movement. I also think that her hair helps the shot, but she had no hand in that.

4. Jessica

America's Next Top Model

Meh. MEEEEEEHHHHHH.

Jessica’s picture is decent, I suppose, but this isn’t anything we haven’t already seen from her. Is she going to rely on jumping shots forever? Her face is pretty, but it’s still kinda boring. If she doesn’t get some energy up in there, she won’t make it all the way.

3. Raina

America's Next Top Model

The right to bear arms?

I think Raina has misinterpreted the Second Amendment.

You see? Because "bear" can mean two things!

All kidding aside, Raina’s arms look so stiff, here. I like that her jump looks effortless; it’s as though they dropped her from the ceiling instead of having her jump. And her face is good. But her arms — they’re showing all the effort of her jump that isn’t showing in her face. That’s a shame.

2. Alasia

America's Next Top Model

Now here's the diva we were looking for.

Alasia’s pose here is gorgeous, but I cannot deny that her face is a wee bit boring. It kinda works in this shot, but I can’t help thinking that it was just a lucky coincidence. I do think, however, that it was total shenanigans that she got called fifth. Even if Angelea’s shot was as good as the judges claimed, there’s no way that Jessica’s shot was as good as Alasia’s. The swish in the train of the skirt alone is worth a step up from fifth place.

1. Krista

America's Next Top Model

Hot, hot, haute!

This picture is undeniably fierce, and deservedly first. Her body is amazing. Her hands are relaxed. And her face is absolutely amazing. There’s energy, but also a strange serenity.

So that’s just my opinion. What did you think?

America’s Next Top Model, C14E04 Recap: “America’s Next Top Vampire”

Shoo, boys. It’s ANTM Time.

A recap of last week’s ep: Simone won a challenge, Brenda struggled with her makeover, and Ren was clearly out of place and was SENT. HOME.

On to the show! On the way back from Eliminations, Brenda complains that she got the hardest dance last week. She blames her poor performance on her hair, saying that, when she had long hair, she was “definitely feminine and sexy.” Wow, think much of yourself?

They’re actually going to change her makeover because she’s not rocking it, as opposed to just giving her the boot. Oh, come on, Tyra. Just give her the boot!

Tyra Mail! I didn’t catch it, but the girls have to improvise something.

Dude, Simone goes to Duke! Duke must be SO embarrassed right now. She says she needs to work harder at modeling than she did at her studies, because she’s naturally a good student. She’s quite smug as she says this. Oh, Simone. Don’t be smug. It’s not a good look for you.

The girls enter a studio and Jay Alexander is there to greet them. He informs them that they’re going to take in a performance by the Upright Citizens’ Brigade. They’re an improv troupe. Jay explains that they perform “humor and thinking with the quickness.” Boy, it’s a good thing that Jay isn’t a member of an improv troupe.

Anslee struggles to relay to us how modeling and improv are related. She stutters and stammers and she is not going to do well in whatever’s coming up next.

JB Smoove, who’s been on “Curb Your Enthusiasm”, and explains the common improv exercise “Emotional Scenes” to the audience. Basically, the audience calls out a scene and then an emotion, and the actor has to perform the scene with whatever emotion the audience throws out at them.

Uh, don't you mean "smooth?"

One of the actors demonstrates by changing a baby’s diaper while angry. I am dubious as to the quality of the acting in this acting troupe because the improv was absolutely stupid.

The girls each get to do an improv, and Brenda goes first. She says she’s looking forward to just having fun. She’s supposed to be changing a tractor tire, and she’s shocked. Oh, it’s so bad. She’s just swinging her arms about with her jaw dropped.

Alasia mimes delighted scuba diving. She gets lots of laughs, but JB and Jay didn’t think that she did any actual scuba diving. Uh, guys? You know it’s just improv, right?

Simone depressedly rides a horse. She just looks bored.

Anslee pantomimes the paranoid washing of a Ferrari. She looks more disgusted than paranoid. Angelea delights in Anslee’s failure. Somehow, I doubt that Angelea did better.

We’re thankfully spared the sight of the other girls “improvs,” and the girls head home.

The girls return home to see Alasia’s best picture up in the house as “digital art.” Anslee says she feels like Alasia doesn’t deserve to be there because she doesn’t have enough emotional control. Uh, judging by the way you were screaming at Ren last week, I’m guessing that you don’t deserve to be there because you don’t have enough emotional control. Because we all know that that’s what this competition is really all about.

Tyra Mail! “Tomorrow you are really going to blow up.” Are they going to dress up in fat suits?

Sally Hershberger is back. Krista says they all knows she’s here to fix Brenda’s hair.

Sally admonishes Brenda for not working the hair, so she has to “edge it out.” Brenda asks if it’s going to be shaved out and Sally replies with a mysterious “maybe.” Hey, Brenda, you’re the one who opened that door. You should know better than to tempt Tyra.

Sally grabs the clippers and goes to town on Brenda’s head. She shaves the sides of her head down. It is “edgier,” I suppose.

Angelea makes no effort to hide her delight at Brenda’s discomfort in her haircut. Sally comments that she likes that it looks like she did it herself. Tyra, you could’ve saved a few bucks and just made Brenda do it herself.

Brenda says it’s so not her style. That is true. The haircut is edgy. Brenda is not.

The girls pull up to Times Square in the limo. There are tons of people milling about. Dania Ramirez shows up on a big screen. She was on “Heroes.” Oh, man, I hated her character. She’s part of the reason that I stopped watching that show. What a lame storyline.

Superpower: puttin' me to sleep.

Dania says that she is so excited to let Times Square know that she’s the new face of Cover Girl Clean. She continues to babble about the makeup line and I wonder how she has a career as an actress.

And, SURPRISE (but not really)!! She’s there in Times Square. The girls cheer dutifully.

Dania explains that, in the past, Cover Girl commercials on the show were always about memorizing scripts. But what Cover Girl really wants is for the girls’ personality to shine through. “Delivering lines is the easy part,” Dania claims. Snort. Obviously, she’s never watched the Cover Girl portion of ANTM. If delivering lines is the least of their problems, then they should all be hoboes by now.

They each have to do a thirty-second commercial for Cover Girl Clean. The lines will all be in voiceover. Instead, they have to “embody the Cover Girl vibe” with actions. Dania urges them to stay true to who they are. Do people who talk like that ever really know what they mean?

The girl whom Dania decides did the best will be featured in an advertorial for Seventeen and on CoverGirl.com. Thousands of people will see them because it will be broadcast live on the Jumbotron that Dania was on earlier.

Alasia is nervous. Krista is ready and pumped to let her personality shine. I am actually starting to like her more.

The girls have to do their own makeup. Oookay. Do they make Drew Barrymore and Queen Latifah do their own makeup, too?

Simone is disappointed that there’s no dialogue. That would have been her strong suit, so she doesn’t have an advantage against the other girls now. Ms. Duke University claims that modeling isn’t as clearcut as writing a paper, which she claims she can bust out in five hours.

Let that be a lesson to us all: STAY IN SCHOOL, STUPID.

Anslee is up first. Boring. Dania would be proud.

Tatianna says she’s going to bring something different. She flips her hair and shimmys and does some weird shivering and the people in Times Square cheer for her.

Brenda smiles uncomfortably. She’s quite awkward.

We see random shots of the girls. I’m just thankful that they’re not dragging it out.

Dania starts by saying that they’re all holding back. She encourages them to go all the way. Her inspirational speech is unconvincing.

Anslee was aloof. Dania wanted her to be more inviting. Anslee blames it on not hearing Dania clearly when she was explaining the challenge in Times Square. Oh, baloney. If she was confused about it, she should have asked when they got back to hair and makeup.

Brenda kept posing like it was a photoshoot.

Simone was holding back. Can’t you be more specific, Dania? Vague criticism is worthless.

Tatianna did a good job of showing her personality. Dania says, “But the winner is…” And it’s Tatianna. Wow, way to throw us off the trail, Dania. That makes the show better. She tells Tatianna, “I feel like I know you.” Uh… okay.

Tatianna’s excited. “Finally, I get some good criticism!” Aww, enjoy it, Tatianna. I’m sure you and your teeth won’t be around that much longer.

Back at the house, Anslee’s annoyed because Alasia has left a container of peas and corn to defrost on the counter. She tells Alasia that it belongs in the fridge. When Alasia explains that she’s just defrosting it, Anslee sarcastically says, “Then why does it say, ‘keep refrigerated’ on it?”

Alasia takes offense at Anslee’s tone. Surprisingly, she doesn’t just lay into Anslee. Anslee’s actually the one who picks a fight with Alasia. Boy, for someone who always talks self-righteously about how everyone else is soooo much less mature than she is because they didn’t get knocked up at nineteen, she sure does love to shout.

Ooooh, and then Alasia pulls the daughter card, and Anslee goes absolutely ballistic.

Angelea stands by, just watching, sporting Ugly Headwrap #9.

Krista hears the shouting and breaks it up because she’s “sleepy as hell.” Hee.

Anslee rages, “Don’t tell me what it is to be a woman because you’re just beginning to figure it out.” Listen, honey, having a kid does force you to grow up faster, but that doesn’t mean you’re mature. Allow me to point out that you were the one who picked a fight with this eighteen-year-old kid that you seem to despise so much.

Tyra Mail! “Tomorrow, beware of the no-neck monster.” It’s a photoshoot!

Jessica tries to guess what the No-Neck Monster photoshoot is going to be and says, “Of course it’s gonna be snakes.” HUH?? Because snakes don’t have necks? Oh, boy.

The girls walk into the photoshoot and there’s a dude in the tub and he’s made up to look like he’s dead.

Then, Jay Manuel sneaks up behind them dressed like an extra from The Matrix. Krista says that the girls were so startled that they almost peed in their pants. He removes his sunglasses to reveal that he’s wearing vampire makeup with contacts. He actually looks pretty scary. Except that there’s no glitter. The vampires that scare me the most sparkle and they don’t suck your blood, they suck your literary taste right out of your head! Scary!!!

I don't remember seeing any vampires in here.

CJ, the guy in the tub, is a model and will assist in their vampire shoot. They’ll all be “blind as a bat” because they’re wearing white-out contact lenses.

Brenda’s never put anything in her eye and says that this shoot keeps getting harder and harder. And they haven’t even gone into hair and makeup, yet.

Jay takes them on set and they’re pouring blood into the tub. He explains that they’ll be in the blood during the photoshoot. Krista’s incredulous look as he explains this is priceless.

Some of the girls are freaking out, and Tatianna proudly announces that she’s not scared because she works for a mortician.

Girls, you know it’s not real blood, right?

Angelea talks about putting in the contacts, and she says that she “just got them in like BADAM!” Hee.

She gets to set and is introduced to CJ, and greets him with a “Hi, boo.” They help her into the tub and commence the photoshoot.

Alasia has a lot of energy on set, and Jay says she looks great.

A bunch of girls are watching, and as they discuss Alasia’s performance, Alexandra burps in the other girls’ faces. That is disgusting. I was once driving down a mountain with a friend who was getting carsick. I tried to keep her mind off things by singing the entire soundtrack from The Sound of Music to her. She then turned to me and burped. Right in my face. After we’d had hot dogs for lunch.

The hills are alive with the smell of hot dogs...

Don’t ever burp in people’s faces, y’all. That’s just gross.

Alexandra works her body during the shoot, and Jay approves.

Jay urges Krista to use her ballet training from last week.

Jessica looks like she’s just sitting there, blind.

Brenda’s shoot is a mess. She drops the contact, and Anslee ends up having to put it in for her. Brenda is freaking out and she cries about it, even after she gets the contact in.

Anslee smugly informs us that Brenda “is a mother, but right now, she’s a baby.”

Jay gives her a little pep talk before she goes in. CJ takes her hand when she comes on set and Brenda says that she feels like “a romance started up right then.” Uh-oh. She’s totally going to go all Fatal Attraction on him. Next thing he knows, she’s going to show up at his place, all, “But I looooove you!” and boiling his pets.

But I LOOOOOOOOOVE you!!

Tatianna gets all up in the blood. She works for a mortician so she’s not squeamish. She licks the blood off her finger to prove this. I wouldn’t be so quick to do that if I were you, Tatianna. High fructose corn syrup actually is bad for you.

Raina does well, as usual.

Anslee’s shoot is too romance novelly, according to Jay. But she thinks she did ossom. She thinks Jay was completely pleased. She thinks he was very impressed with her today. And everyone knows that your own good opinion matters more than what the judges think!

Jay warns Simone that her performance last week was lackluster, so she really needs to turn it out if she wants to stick around. Simone is holding way too much back. Jay and the photographer encourage her to just let go, and she does much better after she does.

Back home, Brenda complains about the contacts. Good God, she’s the new Ren. She’s bRenda.

Tyra Mail! Eliminations!

The girls shoot worried glances at each other.

Anslee thinks she did ossom. She says that she doesn’t care how the other girls did because she’s only here for her own dreams. Uh, oh, and her husband and child.

Simone confessionals that she’s nervous. Brenda’s nervous, too, because of her panic attack. She says, “God, please, please, please help me get a good photo tomorrow.” As she says this, she rolls her eyes back into her head and hilariously looks just like she did when she was wearing those contacts she had so much trouble with. HA!!

Panel! Tyra is wearing an awful purple pantsuit. It’s hideous. But her slicked-back hair and silver earrings are gorgeous.

We meet our judges. The guest judge is Dania Ramirez. Blah. She is beyond boring.

Tatianna is up first. She was our challenge winner. Hey, that reminds me: how come Alasia didn’t get a prize for her first-place pic last night?

Tatianna’s shot. Nigel feels the angst/tension. Dania says she has attitude. ALT loves the drama and says she gives a good drama. And then we’re treated to a close-up and, OH, GOD, her teeth are awful. I shudder.

Jessica. ALT takes one look at her military jacket, calls her a bandleader and makes her take off her jacket. He says that her pose is cliché, and it’s our French Word of the Day!

Alasia. ALT loves the photo. She’s telling a story. Her legs and arms are ossom. She’s happy with her pic, and she should be — it’s amazing.

Simone. ALT quips that that’s how a black girl gets out of the tub; it’s a hair thing. Hey, don’t look at me; those are ALT’s words, not mine. It’s an ungainly picture. She’s like a mannequin, all stiff and posed. Ooh, that might be her death knell that we’re hearing.

Angelea. Nigel wishes that her head was even more thrown back in the picture. The foot out of the tub is awful. She gets awarded the title of “dreckitude” from ALT. And she has earned it.

Krista. She’s almost levitating, but her face looks tense. Tyra says she’s doing an “I smell dookie” face.

Raina is fighting for her life in the picture. Hasn’t she lost it already, if she’s a vampire? The pic is good, but I don’t think it’s anything particularly special.

Alexandra. ALT feels vampire romance. That’s a bad thing to some people, ALT. Nigel is concerned with her versatility.

The judges love Brenda’s edgier hair. She does a few awkward twirls and poses to try to convince the judges that she’s into it. FAIL. They love her picture, though. Tyra feels like Brenda wants to bite her, and ALT hates her legs, but loves her hands.

Anslee busts out a fake English accent, and they make her tuck up her sleeves because her shirt is ugly. Anslee is in full brown-nosing mode and whines to the judges that she only wears the shirt for the back of it, anyway. They ask her to turn around, and, oh, my. The back of the shirt is all ripped up. It’s dreckitude on an Alasia’s-silver-swimsuit-level.

Dania doesn’t pick up on Anslee’s butt-kissing, and says that Anslee has so much more personality than they thought. She asks why Anslee didn’t show this during her Cover Girl challenge. Anslee protests that she couldn’t hear Dania in times square. I know it isn’t Smell-o-Vision, but I’m certain that I can smell the waves of desperation rolling off of her.

Her pic is blah. Tyra calls her to task for grabbing the front of the tub. Anslee immediately protests that the people on set were telling her to do that. Nigel calls her on blaming others for her mistakes and tells her that she has to take control of her own success.

Deliberations.

They love Tatianna’s emotional range. Dania says she was the only one to pay atention. Tyra loves how Tatianna looks like she’s inhaling.
Jessica. ALT thinks she’s super-boring, and I agree. Tyra thinks her picture is okay, though.
Alasia. Her pic is sexy. Tyra says that her pose should say “skank,” but it doesn’t.
Brenda. It’s okay. I’d say it’s in the middle of the pack.
Angelea. ALT calls her “Dreckitude with the head back.”
Krista. Dania says that she doesn’t buy Krista as a model. That’s rich, coming from an actress. What is she even doing here?
Anslee. She just makes excuses. Nigel says, “Don’t make excuses, get it right.” They actually like the male model in the pic. When they’re talking about the other model in the pic instead of you, then you know the pic is bad. Nigel says it looks like he’s asking, “What are you doing holding on to the front of the tub?”
Raina. Tyra says she looks hungry. I’m guessing that’s because she’s a model and probably hasn’t eaten in a very long time. ZING!
Simone. Nigel says that she looks boyish; the pic looks like it’s boy-on-boy. Guess we should start calling her “Simon.” Not that she’s going to make it past this episode, though.
Alexandra. She does the same pose a lot. Tyra says it could be a signature pose, but Nigel protests that this is only her fourth shoot; how could she already have a signature pose? They ask ALT what his signature pose is. ALT’s signature pose consists of him leaning his elbow on the table and propping up his head with his hand, thus making him look like he’s paying attention, and also tightening the skin around his eyes. Oh, ALT. You are a delight.

The judges have come to a decision.

Best picture of the week: who’s the winner?

It’s Alasia. Two weeks in a row, and deservedly so. “Snap!” she says happily.

The runner up is Raina. I’m sure she’s not happy about coming in second to Alasia.

Tatianna
Brenda
Alexandra
Angelea
, who’s always so morose at panel. What’s up with that?
Jessica
Krista

Simone and Anslee step forward. Hmm, I like Simone better, but actually think that Anslee takes better pictures. In any case, I’m sure neither is sticking around for much longer.

Anslee has amazing bone structure, but her photos are falling flat and the judges do. Not. Like. Excuses. For once, I agree with the judges. It’s just bad form.

Simone has strong potential and they tell her to push, but it doesn’t come across in her photos. She’s stuck inside herself and can’t show on the outside what she feels on the inside.

But who will still be in the running to become America’s Next Top Model?

Anslee’s in. Meh. Mama Tyra coaches her in why she really fell flat: because of her own failures.

Tyra says Simone needs to do some testing and study her film. Simone stands on the catwalk, turns and waves goodbye to the girls, and walks out. The girls look at each other, like, “Huh? I though we was cool.”

Simone is calm and composed as she prepares to leave, and I actually kinda respect her for it.

Next week: Jessica gets too close to Nigel. Anslee’s caught between modeling and family. Bo-ring. I can’t decide if this season has just been boring or if I’m finally just getting sick of this show.

At any rate: pictures! Ranking pix never gets old for me.

10. Angelea

America's Next Top Model

Uh... a little help?

This picture is boring AND awkward. Way to multitask, Angelea! I think it looks like she slipped and fell in and he’s trying to help her out, but she’s having a mild seizure that’s causing her eyes to roll back into her head. If she weren’t so slack-jawed in this photo, that would probably help.

9. Simone

America's Next Top Model

Light as a feather, stiff as a board.

Poor, pretty Simone. She’s a beautiful girl, but she is not a model. Ladies, if you’re out there and you’re in a good school, heed my words: it is NEVER a good idea to abandon your education to be on ANTM. If you were able to get into school in the first place, chances are that you can be so much better than this show.

Simone will, at best, become an Old Navy Supermodelquin.

8. Anslee

America's Next Top Model

I don't see nothin' wrong...

This is the saddest bump-and-grind I’ve ever seen. What makes this picture so bad is that her face and body SO don’t go together. And her face is super-boring to top everything else off.

7. Krista

America's Next Top Model

Oh, CJ, you're soooooo funny!

Oh, Krista. She looks like she’s just cackling in glee at something CJ just said. Why she’s levitating isn’t really clear — I still don’t quite understand how she’s even holding that position.. But it’s funny. And he looks like he’s laughing, too.

6. Tatianna

America's Next Top Model

I vant to suck your blood!

Of all the girls, Tatianna was the most vampiric, in my opinion. But only because of her God-awful, jacked-up teeth. How many times do I have to tell you, Tatianna? Keep those misshapen puppies contained at all times. Other than that, her pose is decent, but otherwise uninspired.

5. Brenda

America's Next Top Model

Is she rocking the haircut, or is it rocking her?

Brenda’s face is actually really good in this shot. And I agree with ALT that the synergy of hands is good. But I also agree with ALT that the legs are just awful. If they cut that out of the shot, it would be good.

And Brenda’s modified makeover is edgier, but I still don’t think she can carry it off. Just because you have an edgy haircut doesn’t make you edgy.

4. Alexandra

America's Next Top Model

Meh. As usual.

This picture is boring, but at least it isn’t ugly. That’s really all I have to say about it.

3. Jessica

America's Next Top Model

Cliché?

So, the judges said that Jessica’s picture was clichéd, but I didn’t agree. Her pose is interesting, and I can see movement here. Her face is a little boring, though, so she’s not in the two spot.

2. Raina

America's Next Top Model

I gotta get outta here!

Raina’s picture looks a lot to me like Angelea’s… done right, though. Whereas Angelea’s just sitting there, Raina’s working the angles, making it interesting. I wasn’t as huge a fan of the face as the judges were, but it’s still one of the better pictures in the bunch.

1. Alasia

America's Next Top Model

Eat your heart out, Bella Swan.

Girlfriend has been rocking it out since last week. This pic is amazing. She’s working all of her angles, finding the light, giving neck, and remembering to point her toes with all of that, too. I think Tyra would agree that this is modeling H2T.

What did you think?

America’s Next Top Model, C14E02 Recap: “Dreckitude!”

So we’re back for another episode! I think we’ve got a relatively decent group of hamsters, there. There will be drama, I’m sure.

On with the show!

We cut back to the end of the last episode, and Jay says that this is their first official photoshoot. Uh, I seem to remember a makeover photoshoot that, like, just happened, Jay. Shenanigans!

Jay is also wearing a kilt. I don’t know how I missed that the first time around. I’m also not sure if I think it’s cool or ridiculous. I want to say it’s ridiculous, but, somehow, it kinda works on him. I know, I’m shocked at myself, too.

Jessica tells us she was raised in a religious family, and they are gonna FREAK. OUT. when they find out she did a nude photoshoot. Ah, so she’s That Girl this season. She’s concerned, but obviously not enough to blow off the photoshoot. Way to kinda rebel against your family, Jessica!

Jessica kinda reminds me of Christina Aguilera, when she had dark hair.

If Christina became Xtina when she dyed her hair, does that mean that Jessica is now JXica?

Raina sees a jacket and a shirt, and says that she just wants to grab whatever will offer her the most coverage. Hey, Raina, just use your eyebrows! That’s a lot of coverage right there.

Anslee feels sorry for the mannequin because it got totally manhandled during the clothing grab. That was a pretty brutal scene. Kinda reminded me of this:


This video is property of Disney

The girls head into hair and makeup.

We see blurring. The girls is nekkid, and ready for their nekkid photoshoot.

Alexandra has a necklace. I am reminded that she’s the plus-sized model this cycle — that’s a lotta body.

Angelea models shoes. Tatianna says that she wishes Angelea would get booted because her personality sucks. Ha!! But then what would entice the viewers back, Tatianna? Well, besides the raging battle being fought between your teeth and your gumline?

Raina has a ring. Her eyebrows insist that I compliment her shoot, and it makes me feel awkward.

Gabrielle has leggings, but she doesn’t know who her inspiration is. She gives some dead, dead face, and Jay wants to see more of a glint in her eye. Jay complains that she’s not modeling H2T (that’s “head to toe” for you ANTM newbies).

Jessica has shorts, and is worried about her grandma seeing her nekkidness on TV and freaking out. But not so worried that she stops.

Alasia gets a vest. She does a few boring poses before Jay finally asks her to “try something different.” She does something different all right: she puts the vest on backwards and then gives the photographer a butt-shot. Seriously. Just… all booty. Jay clearly thinks this is strange, but they shoot away anyway.

Ren has the hat. She boasts about getting along naturally with
the stylists. A real humble one, that Ren. Angelea says that she doesn't think much of Ren, but admits that she had a "bomb-a**" photoshoot.

Krista gets a shirt. I think it’s a dress at first, because it’s nearly long enough to be one, and we all know how much models love minidresses. But it’s clear that it’s a shirt. Oh, and instead of putting it on, Krista just drapes it over herself, like a tiny, ornate blanket. That’s just lazy, IMO.

Tyra Mail! Ooh, there will be an elimination right off the bat!

Naduah’s not nervous and doesn’t think that she, Brenda or Simone should be booted. Brenda hopes it’s not her. I kinda hope it is. But I suppose there’s someone who deserves to get booted more.

Tyra greets the girls at panel. Sally Hershberger is the guest judge.

André Leon Talley!! André Leon Talley!!! Holy freakin’ crap. I’ve never seen him without his signature shades before. I can’t believe they got him to be a regular judge on the show. Nigel bows to him, and rightfully so. I have to think hard about who the previous judge was before I remember that it was Paulina Porizkova (by the way, I just now realized that the world has been mispronouncing her name all along. It’s actually “Pavlína Pořízková”).

Ren goes first. She’s modeling the hat, and her picture is pretty good. ALT says that she’s showing some naïvete in it, and I agree. I can’t help but to agree with ALT, except in the incident with Jennifer Hudson’s Oscar dress.

Oh, ALT. Why? WHY???

Angelea is up next, modeling shoes. ALT says he loves her makeover. Maybe he thinks she used to be a man. The judges love her pose. It’s not bad, but I just can’t stop looking at her tranny face.

Alexandra has the necklace. She’s covering herself with her hands. The judges say that the handboob seems too forced. ALT also says that he needs “ZHOOSH” and doesn’t see it in this picture. I can already see that I’m eventually going to need to start a glossary of ALT terms.

Raina’s hands are graceful in her picture. She’s modeling a ring. ALT compares her to a courtesan. Raina doesn’t know what a courtesan is and when she finds out, she’s like, “Oh.” Ha. The picture actually is quite stunning — except that the eyebrows are coming to get me.

Anslee is wearing too much crap. The judges make her take a
bunch of it off. After all the seasons that the judges have been making the girls strip at panel, you’d think they’d learn how to go minimal on the accessories. And now for her picture. ALT says he has a telescopic view of her nether regions, but she works it. Yikes.

Simone. Tyra thinks she needs to smize more. And I need to smack Tyra more. I have never in my life hated a portmanteau, but, by God, I hate this one.

Gabrielle. She looks like a scared, little kid in her pic. The judges chide her for losing her neck a lot in her pictures. Her hair, which I actually kinda like when it’s loose in all its fro-ey glory, is pulled back by a headband with a random flower on it. She looks crazycakes at panel.

Jessica is wearing a twee, little skirt, and the judges make her take it off. She actually does look more high-fashion without it. I try not to think about the fact that she’s basically wearing a tank top over pantyhose. Speaking of high-fashion, the judges think her shoot with the shorts is high-fashion. She is happy that Tyra calls her a caméléon, with a French accent. That’s French for “chameleon,” I guess.

Krista. The judges are not pleased that she didn’t wear her switch (remember, in These Happy Golden Years, when Cap Garland teases Mary Power by pulling out her bobby pins, threatening to reveal to the world that Mary’s beautiful bun was actually a switch? Ahahahaha!!!). She promises not to disobey them again.

Naduah. ALT thinks her pic looks artificial. Her giant hoop earrings make her look like she’d be better suited for a street corner in Vegas than the runways of New York and Paris.

Brenda. ALT thinks the legs are awkward in the pic. They ask Brenda about her makeover. She confesses that she was uncomfortable with it because her hair has always been her security blanket. Sally says there were lots of models whose short haircuts launched their careers, but she gives no examples. Sally is totally the type of person who talks about books she hasn’t read as though she has.

Tatianna. Her pose is sexy (a little too much so, IMO), but Tyra complains that she just did this one pose the whole time.

Alasia. They picked the photo of her doing the butt pose. Alasia cries silently. ALT says that he liked it. Nigel laughs at him. He will probably turn up dead later as a result.

ALT continues to defend Alasia’s pic, saying he would have it framed and put up in his house. Tyra asks where he’d put it, implying that it would go in the bathroom with a sign over it that says, “Don’t forget to wipe.” He shoots back that he’d put it in his salon (which sounds so much cooler when you say it with a French accent), where he and his undoubtedly FAAAAAbulous friends would talk about art and culture and who-is-this-girl-and-what-makes-this-picture-so-beautiful?? DUDE, I totally wanna hang out with ALT in his salon. Tyra looks dubious. Alasia continues to cry. It is not pretty.

The judges dismiss the hamsters so that they can deliberate.

Ren is good. They like her pose.
ALT doesn’t approve of Simone’s pose. He thinks she’s boring.
Tatianna’s pose was good. The scarf is Roberto Cavalli-ish, Gucci-ish, Dior-ish. Apparently, this scarf is the ish.
Gabrielle’s pic is unanimously panned as awful.
Jessica’s pic is unanimously lauded as amazing.
ALT likes Krista in person, but her photo was not great.
Naduah is just “meh.” But Tyra would totally buy the shades.
Alexandra’s face is retro, and they love it.
Brenda’s face is good. Her photo is so-so.
Raina. They love her body language.
Alasia. Nobody likes her pic but ALT. They make an “asset” joke.
Angelea has delicate hands, according to Nigel. ALT corrects him and says that those are powerful hands. Man-hands, I’d say.
Anslee is generally loved.

A decision is reached. The girls file back in and Tyra whispers the typical spiel. She has thirteen beautiful girls standing before her, but she only has twelve photos in her hands. These photos represent the girls that are still in the running to become America’s Next Top Model. The first photo she is going to call represents the girl who the judges think had the best photo this week. And, ooh, a twist: whatever the prize is in their next challenge, the photo winner from the previous week also gets.

Best photo this week is: Jessica. Defying her parents and offending her grandma was totally worth it!

The runner-up is Angelea. Whatever, judges. And the rest of the girls, in order:

Ren
Brenda
Simone
(She is so pretty!)
Tatianna
Anslee
Raina
Naduah
Tyra kinda mimics how she speaks and it cracks me up.
Alexandra
Krista

Gabrielle and Alasia step forward. I think it’s safe to say that Gabrielle’s a goner because: 1. ALT likes Alasia. 2. Gabrielle’s photo was legitimately awful. 3. The teasers show Alasia having a fight in this episode, so we know she sticks around. Thanks for the spoiler, show.

The anticipatory plinky piano music is very creepy. If a clown walked into the room right now, I would totally scream.

Sure enough, Alasia’s still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Model.

Gabrielle is composed — so composed that it’s kinda boring. She breaks down in confessional, though. She says that she though she would be that “one” who broke the barrier. What barrier? First biracial top model? Okay, that’s specific. Now I wanna be America’s first fat and Asian Top Model Blogger.

After eliminations, Ren is wearing an awful headwrap. First of this episode, sixth in the series! She’s got a brutal headache — so she pours herself a glass of wine. Who needs aspirin? She snits that she’s “far too intelligent” to be here. Uh, that would be belied by the fact that you are there, honey.

Tyra Mail! “Why did the model cross the road? Guess you’ll have to find out tomorrow.”

Alasia screams guesses as to what this means at the top of her lungs. Ren shoots her a dirty look. Even I am annoyed.

In the girls’ bedroom, Naduah beats the cult horse again. But she says that she wouldn’t change anything in her life because those experiences were what made her stronger. Uh, not even the sexual abuse? Thousands of girls whose lives will never be the same would beg to differ.

She says that she has standards because she refused to work for Playboy. But she is here to make money. Apparently, she has a husband, and he’s black, and she announces that as though she expects someone to hand her a prize. You’re a regular civil rights crusader, Naduah.

She says that she was living on the street for a while. Raina confessionals that she thinks Naduah’s stories have a lot of inconsistencies. She tells Naduah that she should have just done the Playboy shoot to make money and not live on the streets. Forget Playboy, how about McDonald’s? If you choose to live on the streets in the name of pursuing your dream, then don’t complain.

Brenda doesn’t believe Naduah’s story. There’s no ring on her finger, so how could she possibly be married? Your deductive reasoning amazes me. Because if she were really married, she would have to have a ring!! And she wouldn’t physically be able to take it off! In short, they think she’s a liar. Anslee doesn’t feel bad for her at all.

Clearly the girls are somewhat threatened by her because of her dramatic story — it wouldn’t be the first time that Tyra kept a contestant around because of the drama factor.

The next day, the hamsters walk up to a “white carpet” and Jay Alexander pops out from behind a table. The girls scream their approval. As usual. He informs them, “A top model must keep her timing and pace perfectly.” He shows them how to take off a coat on the runway. He’s actually really good at it. I am totally going to be unbuttoning my coat from the bottom up from now on.

The girls take turns practicing. Alexandra says that she takes criticism well because she’s had coaches in her face all her life. She’s got a thick skin because she grew up having to get yelled at all the time. Oh, and, also, she’s fat. Get it? Fat? Thick skin? See what I did there?

By the way, I should probably explain here that when I say “fat” in the context of ANTM, I only mean that she’s not a size 0. Lord knows that I’m morbidly obese by those standards. So please don’t leave angry comments about how I’m being totally unrealistic and Alexandra is NOT FAT, SHE’S BEAUTIFUL.

Anslee slouches because she has a baby, apparently. She blames her slouchiness on the fact that she basically pushes around a stroller all day. LAME!!

Jay sees potential in Ren, but I think her walk is awkward. She looks like a teenager trying on her first pair of heels and pretending to be a model when she thinks nobody’s looking.

Angelea makes fun of Alasia. Her walk is undeniably awful.

Jay introduces the next exercise: they have to walk across the street. Impossible!! They have to walk across a New York City crosswalk fiercely, whilst unbuttoning their coats, and then walk back before the light changes. The girls treat this as though this will be the most difficult challenge of their lives. They do have to do it with a bunch of pedestrians watching, though.

Jessica goes first and causes a few people to double-take. She was pretty good, I must admit.

Angelea goes next — people are staring at her, and not in a good way.

Ren complains about the challenge. If you hate this so much, then GO HOME, REN.

Brenda looks weird.

Naduah loves the attention. That’s a shock. One pedestrian thought she looked really weird. Other pedestrians think it’s too cold to take off your jacket in NY.

Tyra Mail! “Tomorrow you will really need to be in the swing of things.”

Alasia screams her guesses yet again. Ren wants Alasia to shut up, already. Ahh, this is going to be great.

The girls are at Surrogate Courthouse. There’s a runway. It’s the first runway challenge! Rachel Roy is there. She is beautiful.

The girls will be modeling Rachel Roy dresses. The winner gets to keep the garment and be featured on rachelroy.com.

The runway will have giant pendulums swinging over it. They have to walk through swinging pendulums with perfect timing. I really, really wanna see a girl get clocked. Ooh, ooh! Do you see what I did there? I am on a ROLL!

There is actually an audience for this show. And it’s actually a cool concept for a runway show.

Simone goes first. They have to go down stairs before they hit the runway. HAHA!! Simon gets clocked like Flava Flav! The crowd gasps.

Brenda looks like slouchy to me, but Jay thought it was elegant.

Angelea and Krista walk without incident.

Jessica gets clocked. She has a jacket to unbutton, and she does a good job with it.

Alasia has bright red lipstick and it’s kinda cool. She makes it through without getting hit, which is fortunate for her.

Ren staggers to avoid getting clocked. She looks very awkward all the way through.

Anslee, Tatianna, Raina, and Naduah make it through.

Alexandra’s up. She’s nervous. OOH, she falls down the stairs!! Her competitive streak picks her up, but she’s definitely shaken. “Make it fierce, make it fierce,” she tells herself. She concentrates so hard that she looks mad. She makes it to the end of the runway without incident.

And then, on her way back, she gets hit with a pendulum — that knocks her right off the runway! She skins her knee and rips the dress. Ooh, if she wins, is she going to ask for an undamaged dress?

After the show, Jay and Rachel give the girls some feedback. Alasia needs to take longer, more elegant steps. Brenda was good. Raina gets better the more she walks. Ren was too tight. Naduah pouts as she walks. When she’s effortless, she’s beautiful. That’s actually true.

Brenda wins the challenge. She will get to keep her dress AND be featured on Rachel Roy’s website. MAN, her teeth are scary. Jessica also gets to keep her dress because she won best picture last week.

They go home and Alasia screams about something and Ren finally snaps and tells her to shut the *bleep* up. Alasia exploooodes. Ugly head wrap #6! It’s the battle of the ugly head wraps. She screams at Ren, like, right in her face. Krista laughs at the shenanigans. Alasia confessionals that she hates having to snap at people like that. Hee. Because she just had to.

Alasia’s all up in Ren’s face, screaming that she will not be disrespected. She viciously throws some utensils into the sink. Someone tells Alasia to calm down, which riles her up all the more, and she continues hootin’ and hollerin’. It’s all very entertaining. She shouts that Ren needs to calm the *bleep* down, and Ren retorts, “You’re the one who’s screaming, and you’re telling me I need to calm down?” She actually as a point.

Alasia storms out, and Ren complains about Alasia to the other girls. She picks up a wooden spoon from the sink and says, “And I just had this thrown at me?” Alasia screams from the hall, “If I’d wanted to hit you with it, I would have! Because I was standing, like, two feet away from you!” AHAHAHA!!!

In confessional, Ren cries because she actually chose to live in this crazy house instead of living a normal life. Might I also remind you, Ren, that you also chose to tell Alasia to shut the *bleep* up instead of going about it in a more civil manner. Granted, Alasia would probably have blown up anyway, but at least you’d be justified in your self-righteousness if you hadn’t been rude yourself.

Alasia gets in a parting shot as she flees the scene for good, shouting, “I know where you sleep, dogg!” AHAHAHA!!! Now that’s what I love to see!!

Anslee tries to talk to Ren about the incident. She calls Ren “Chikorita,” which makes me sad because a good friend of mine who used to call me that just got married and moved away and I miss her.

Aww, I miss you, Chikorita!!

Anslee comforts Ren, but later confessionals that if Ren doesn’t want to be here, she doesn’t need to be here. I quite agree. This is America’s Next Top Model, not America’s Next Top Ungrateful Punk.

Tyra Mail! “Make your mark before you disappear.” The girls think the photoshoot may involve magic. I think they are stupider than I could have hoped.

They go to a dilapidated building. Krista says, “I don’t wanna be here! I’m scared!” I am, too, Krista. Of your face.

They go to the rooftop, where Jay Manuel meets them and explains their assignment for the day. They’ll be modeling a fragrance — it goes on as a color and then starts to fade. There will be wind and rain in the shoot.

It is not a warm day, as is evidenced by Raina’s fur hunter’s cap. As though she needs more fur on her face.

Alasia goes first and, when the water turns on, it shoots her right in the ear. Alasia says that she thinks she got water in her briain. I think so, too. She’s shivering, and they keep telling her not to look so cold.

Jessica is using the fabric beautifully.

Alexandra thinks she needs to do really well because of her runway walk. Jay is enchanted with her shoot and he calls her Cindy Crawford. This should please her since she chose to model Cindy for the shoot that got her into the house.

Or need I remind you… of this??

Anslee says Naduah thinks that Naduah knows too much. Naduah thinks people are uncomfortable around her because she’s so confident. I think it’s because she’s practicing her poses in the corner with nothing but a bra on. Weirdo.

Despite her confidence, she doesn’t do well in her photoshoot. Everything she does is contrived.

Raina gets some gorgeous shots and was Jay’s favorite of the day. She nailed the straight-on shots.

Ren is cracking up and Jay stops the shoot. “Don’t look cold,” they say.

Naduah is wearing a crazy mask in confessional. Her attitude reminds me of Elina from C15. She’s so pretentious and thinks that confidence is more important than taking a good picture.

Elina -- embodying pretention and overconfidence since Cycle 11.

Tyra Mail! Eliminations!

Ren cries in confessional (again!) that she’s not willing to give up her happiness and sanity for this. If the other girls are willing to do that, then maybe they do deserve this more than she does. And yet she persists in not quitting. I don’t understand.

Alasia says that she’s sure that everyone thinks it’ll be her. Someone asks her why she thinks that, and she replies that it’s because her walk wasn’t that good. No one dares to contradict her. Because she knows where they sleep, dogg.

Panel! We get introduced to the judges for the second time in the episode. The guest judge this time is Rachel Roy. Tyra says that Rachel is her good-luck charm because she won an Emmy in a Rachel Roy dress. Tyra won an Emmy? For what??

Alasia: ALT calls her “dreckitude” — meaning that her look at panel is a wreck. I write “dreckitude” in my ALT glossary. But Tyra loves Alasia’s picture. Interesting that they disagree on her again.

Anslee has a beautiful profile. Tyra says that she’d buy foundation from her, but it wasn’t even her color. And foundation wasn’t the product. Wasn’t it perfume?

Ren tosses out excuse after excuse. Nigel says she’s her picture looksl like it’s selling H1N1 vaccine. It does look like she’s got a really hot cold. It reminds me of this:

Krista’s pic is stunning. Except for her face! ALT compares her to Naomi Sims, which is a fair comparison.

Like Krista, but better!

Naduah — ALT isn’t feeling it. It’s manufactured drama. Tyra thinks she looks like an ad all the time, and not in a good way.

Rachel loves Tatianna. ALT likes the fragility. I think: HER TEETH!! They’re totally losing the battle. CALL IN THE ARTILLERY!!

Brenda’s photo is no good. Side lighting is not her friend. It makes her look years older. That and the hair combine to make her a little, old man.

Jessica’s shot is okay; the fabric saves her. Her face looks lame.

Angelea’s hair is a mess. Nigel counsels her to open her mouth to get a little sexy.

Alexandra — it’s a good pic, but Tyra doesn’t get it as a fragrance ad. I’d totally forgotten that this was supposed to be a fragrance ad. The other girls just did such a good job!

Simone! She’s beautiful. The judges are wowed. But ALT doesn’t think we’ve seen the real Simone, yet; he thinks she’s holding back. I’ve decided that she looks much more like Kerry Washington than like Aisha Tyler.

So pretty! And she was the best part of Save the Last Dance, which was an abysmal movie with not enough dancing.

They love Raina’s picture. I think that’s at least partially because they nuded up her lips, so she’s not looking so Jokery. Her eyes are admittedly good.

The judges deliberate. ALT calls the shoot a train wreck, but Nigel thinks it’s not bad.

Rachel really likes Krista.
Naduah is “dreckitude”. She’s average. Her pix are flat.
Tatianna looks younger that she is, unlike Brenda.
Rachel is worried that Brenda can’t take pix because she’s going to be on Rachel’s website.
ALT wants to be étonné, but wasn’t by Jessica. I looked that up; it means “surprised” in French. There’s so much more French on this show now that ALT has shown up. That’s only because I’m not counting all the English words that Tyra just says with a French accent. ALT has a Masters in French from Brown, y’all.
They talk about Angelea, and how she seems all refined in photos, but is super-ghetto in person. ALT ghettos it up by imitating Angelea’s hood-rat attitude. I feel like the truth came out just a little bit, there. He did grow up in North Carolina, after all.
Alexandra is pretty, but not remarkable.
Simone is pretty, but not remarkable.
Raina’s pic was fearless. It looked like an ad for men’s perfume. Tyra says she looks like a fierce wolf in her pic. I say, “Well, the eyebrows are about right.”
Alasia doesn’t stand out, but Tyra likes it. She says Alasia looks like she’s going to open up a can of whup-a**. Nigels christens the fragrance, “Smell of Whup-A**”. Hee.

The Spiel. Who’s the best photo?

Raina is the winner. Tyra howls at her because she looked like a fierce wolf in her pic. She makes a halfhearted attempt to howl back.
Krista is next, and she makes a shocked face. She can’t believe she’s up so high on the list. I can’t believe it, either.
Anslee
Tatianna,
who smiles with her mouth closed, probably for my benefit. I appreciate that, thank you.
Simone
Alexandra
Angelea
Alasia
— ooh, she needs to stop wearing her glasses to panel. I’m surprised that the panel hasn’t called her on it, yet.
Brenda
Jessica

Creepy, plinky clown-piano. Showdown: Ren vs. Naduah. Hmm, who will get the boot? I’m guessing Naduah, since Ren has more drama potential. Also, she was hand-picked, people!

I was right and Ren is still in the runniing to become America’s Next Top Model.

Naduah hugs Tyra and struts back to the house and cries. She feels that she didn’t get the opportunity she deserved. Because she just deserves to win. And everyone should get exactly what they deserve. And you totally deserve everything you think you deserve.

Next week on ANTM: Toccara is on the Fab Bus. Brenda and Anslee throw down.

Okay, now here’s my take on the photoshoots. Let’s start with the nekkid one. I’ve taken the liberty of clothing them, for modesty’s sake.

Yes, I am a prude. Why do you ask?

13. Gabrielle

America's Next Top Model

America's Next Top Scaredy-Cat

Why does she look afraid? This looks like a cover for a supermarket novel in which the heroine has a deep dark secret that she’s never told any of her go-go dancin’ friends. Gabrielle was rightly booted.

12. Alexandra

America's Next Top Model

Awkward! And it's not just because of the hand-boob!

Poor Alexandra just looks so painfully awkward, here. Her bent left arm is trying to tell me that she’s going for the broken-down doll look, but it ends up looking more like she just can’t get comfortable on that cube. And no wonder. A cube does not make for a comfortable piece of furniture.

11. Alasia

America's Next Top Model

BUTT SHOT!!

I’ve gotta give Alasia props for making it into ALT’s salon. That said, I cannot ignore that this is a butt shot. It’s like she’s saying, “Hello, world! This is my butt! Have you met it?” And I agree with ALT (on pain of death, in my imagination) that she’s at least taking a risk and that it’s interesting, but I really, really, really don’t think that this pose is doing the vest any favors.

10. Naduah

America's Next Top Model

Look, everyone, it's Captain Obvious!

Naduah has the opposite problem that Alasia has. Alasia forgot that she’s supposed to be selling a vest. Naduah, here, is far too aware that she is selling sunglasses. And not just selling them, but modeling them. I think I would have appreciated it more if she’d just worn them. The way she’s posing here is just a little too, “Look at these glasses! I am modeling them!! I am HIGH FASHION!!!” In short, I thought it looked really contrived.

9. Tatianna

America's Next Top Model

I'm just thankful her mouth is closed.

Tatianna’s pose here is just a little too Maxim for my tastes, although I’m sure that Tom Ford would love this shot. She does a decent job of showing off the scarf, but she looks awfully tense. Look at how big her calves are in this shot. She’s giving Alexandra a run for her plus-sized money with them calves. If she’d relaxed her feet, it might’ve been better. But I will give her extra points every time she shields me from her teeth. EVERY. TIME.

8. Angelea

America's Next Top Model

And now think about what she sounds like, and I guarantee that the picture will look uglier to you.

Okay, I’ll agree that Angelea’s right hand is gorgeous in this shot. It’s a generally good pic except for two three: first, her handboob is just as awkward as Alexandra’s was. Second, I wish her toe was pointed a bit more; it would’ve been more graceful. Third, her face. She looks so sleepy. And, also: THAT’S A MAN, baby!!

7. Brenda

America's Next Top Model

If only she were selling this dress.

This is actually a great pic. Her body is good, and her face is fierce. My only big problem with this pic is that she’s supposed to be modeling the watch — and we can’t even see the watch face in the pic. But she is doing a great job of modeling this dress I made for her.

That said, I wish they’d given Brenda this hair instead of the makeover hair they actually gave her. But, nooo, they had to have a ginger on the show.

6. Krista

America's Next Top Model

What do you mean, 'Shirts are for wearing?'

I didn’t find Krista’s legs to be awkward at all. In fact, I think that her legs in this shot are amazing. And her lounging back looks natural. But her arm clamped across her torso does not. It looks like she started getting cramps in the middle of the shoot. And, also, please tell me that she at least tried on the shirt. Please tell me that Jay suggested that she take it off and drape it over herself. Because I can think of few things stupider than modeling clothing by just holding it up to yourself.

5. Ren

America's Next Top Model

What hat?

Oh, Renona Whiner. She looks gorgeous in this pic, but she’s just not modeling the hat. It’s there, but it doesn’t look like she’s aware of it at all. I kinda wish she’d reached up to touch the brim or something, just to acknowledge its existence in the picture.

Take a lesson, Renona Whiner. This is how you model a hat:

Now, this is a hat I'd want to buy.

I just realized that every time I even see a lolcat, I think, Suck it, Rowles.

4. Anslee

America's Next Top Model

So clutch, in more ways than one.

I love this pic. It’s interesting, and her hands are natural, but pretty. My only nitpick is that I wish she weren’t looking quite so far off to the right — from far away, I feel like all I can see is the whites of her eyes, which is scary. But I think she took a heck of a great pic. Good for her.

3. Simone

America's Next Top Model

I so want this jacket.

Now, Simone’s eyes are closer to where I wish Anslee’s had been. Her face and her pose are so elegant in this pic. And I want, want, want that jacket. I didn’t quite see why the judges thought it was so boring; I thought it was gorgeous. But I guess that’s why I’m not the Editor-at-Large of Vogue.

2. Raina

America's Next Top Model

Okay, I admit, it's a good picture. I can be a grown-up about -- EYEBROWSEYEBROWSEYEBROWS!!!

Okay, even I have to admit that Ol’ Eyebrows pulled it out for this pic. Her body is absolutely amazing in this pic, and the pose is just so elegant — perfect for modeling that ring. And I am also quite proud of the li’l dress I made her, and she is modeling it beautifully. My only tiny nitpick is that her eyes look a wee bit sleepy. But I’ll just blame that on The Eyebrows and move on (before The Eyebrows come for me).

1. Jessica

America's Next Top Model

I so want this jacket.

This picture is just amazing. There are all kinds of angles going on here, her neck looks looooooooong, and there’s a life and vibrancy to this pic that just grabs me. Jessica’s family should be proud, in a shameful kinda way.

And now for the colored fragrance pix, which, by the way: what the heck is the point of a colored fragrance that fades? Because I sometimes want to walk around with a purple splotch on my neck that dribbles into my dress and then gradually fades? Another win for the Useless Product Board of America.

Anyhoots, here’s my take on the pix:

12. Tatianna

America's Next Top Model

F-f-f-f-ierce? How about T-t-t-t-t-TEEF??

Tatianna WHAT did I just tell you about your mouth? KEEP. IT. CLOSED.

And Jay kept making such a fuss about the girls not looking cold in their pictures. And the first thing I thought when I saw this picture was, “She looks cold.” And her teeth are totally trying to bury themselves in my flesh to keep warm. *shudder*

11. Brenda

America's Next Top Model

Too bad for Brenda that the 80s are over.

Drop the “c” in “cold” and what do you get? OLD. And that’s what Brenda looks here. She looks about thirty compared to the other girls. She doesn’t look quite as nasty as Tatianna, but she still looks nasty to me, somehow. And her pose is so boring.

I can see why Rachel Roy was so concerned about Brenda winning a spot on Rachel’s website. I can just imagine Rachel thinking, This is Rachel Roy, not Talbot’s!!

10. Ren

America's Next Top Model

I'b DOT sick!!

The judges hit the nail on the head here when they said Renona Whiner looks like she’s selling H1N1 vaccine, here. Except that no one would ever do something stupid like make the vaccine purple for no good reason. And why is she doing the “vogue” here? It makes no sense to me.

9. Angelea

America's Next Top Model

I hate when the cat makes a kill and leaves it on my doorstep.

Okay, so I kinda have to give Angelea some slack because Jay was the one who kept telling her that the shots with hair in her face looked good. All the same, that does not change the fact that she looks like something the cat dragged in. She looks like she got caught in a sudden rainstorm, and not in the cutesy, romantic-comedy-first-kiss kind of way.

8. Alexandra

America's Next Top Model

Photoshoots are like the prom -- it's not good when things start getting too handsy.

Alexandra’s face is actually good here. But I don’t get what’s with her and the hand. It’s like her hand is the devil and she’s cut a deal with it to get a modeling career, but part of the deal is that she has to include it in every single shot, no matter how awkward it makes the shot. Hmm, that might be an interesting premise for a movie.

What? If people payed to see Norbit, why wouldn’t they pay to see AlexHANDra?

7. Naduah

America's Next Top Model

I! AM! A! MODEL!!

Here’s the thing with Naduah. I actually think this is a decent pic. But she just tries way too hard. Every shot is like she’s beating us over the head with her modeling. Every pose is so contrived. I used to wonder what the judges meant when they said a model was overthinking it, and now I know what it means. It means this. Naduah tries so hard to be all modelly, and we end up with an artificially modelly pic.

Did she do the worst? I don’t think so, but I’m not disappointed that she’s gone. She never would have won, and I’m rather glad that I won’t have to put up with her sense of entitlement and her “confidence” all cycle.

6. Krista

America's Next Top Model

Meh.

I have no idea why the judges went so gaga for this picture. It was okay, I guess, but she looks like she’s playing chess with you, and she’s waiting for you to make your move. And she doesn’t even look like she’s the type of player who’s trying to anticipate your move because she’s thinking three moves ahead. She just looks like she wants the stinking game to be over so that you guys can play Connect Four like she wanted to in the first place.

5. Alasia

America's Next Top Model

This is fierce with ferocity.

This picture scares me. Yet, I can’t stop looking at it. She looks like she’s telling me, “You should buy this perfume… if you know what’s good for you.” But there’s a wild quality to it that I kind of like.

4. Jessica

America's Next Top Model

ZHOOSH!!

It’s a pity that Jessica’s face couldn’t live up to the ossom that is the fabric in this pic. It really is amazing, and if she could have gotten her face not to look so much like she’s trying to figure out if that guy at the mall is the guy she has a crush on or some other random dude that she’s about to have a crush on, it could’ve been something else. I think if she’d parted her lips, that would’ve made a world of difference. Still, she gets points for utilizing the fabric. Jessica’s really good at taking photos with a lot of energy.

3. Anslee

America's Next Top Model

Action shot!

This pic captures the motion that Jessica was trying to convey with the fabric. Her jawline is absolutely striking in this pic, and her skin looks flawless. My only small nitpick is that her hand looks really stationary, like she forgot that it was in the frame. If she keeps that in mind in the future, she’ll give Jessica a run for her money for the most dynamic shots.

2. Raina

America's Next Top Model

Nude lipstick is her savior.

Okay, I’ll admit it. The Eyebrows actually really work, here. Tyra said that she looks like a wolf in this pic, and there certainly is a fierce, animal quality to her. This is a fragrance ad that would make me look twice. But I don’t really care for musky scents, and that’s what it looks like she’s selling, to me.

1. Simone

America's Next Top Model

SERENITY NOW!!

I love this pic of Simone. Because of the cold, all of the other girls tried to translate their shivers into ferocity and animal energy. Simone somehow managed to turn it into a romantic shot. She looks so wistful here, like she’s thinking about the wonder that was her first love. Madd propz to her for being able to convey that, despite all the water squirting about.

The photoshoots have been… rather pedestrian so far. I hope they liven up the themes of the shoots in future episodes. Come on, ANTM, let’s up the ante!

So what did you think? Agree? Disagree?

America’s Next Top Model, C14E01 Recap: “Be My Friend, Tyra!”

Confession: I have an unhealthy love for “America’s Next Top Model.” I started watching in Season — excuse me, Cycle Two and haven’t missed a cycle since.

The only only thing that detracts from my enjoyment of the show is that I don’t have anyone to complain about the delicious ridiculosity of the show with. But that’s what the internet is for, right? I am so totally going to recap every episode I get to watch.

Ostensibly, the purpose of this blog is to review books for Cannonball Read and possibly show off my writing chops to potential clients. But who am I kidding? This feature is for me. Just for me.

By the way, consider this a spoiler warning for the rest of the season cycle . Obviously, since this is a recap, I’m going to give away who makes it and who doesn’t.

Not that the pictures of the finalists aren’t already up on the CW website, either.

Vielen Dank to Intern Rusty, by the way. It’s only thanks to Pajiba After Dark that I was even aware that it was premiering tonight. Thanks, Rusty!

Here we go!

So, André Leon Talley is joining the judging panel and, I have to admit, that’s pretty schweet. And I’m rather excited. There are going to be a lot of capes this season, ladies.

First look at the hamsters. I’m just going to go contestant by contestant and try to cluster all of my comments about them until the first cut.

And here’s Tyra. I must admit, Tyra is lookin’ guuuuooooood. Didn’t nobody ever say girlfriend wasn’t FEEEEEAAAAHHCE. But a cutout blazer? I’m sure The Fug Girls are faint with horror.

Ooh, I really love Jay Manuel’s suit. And I really hate Jay Alexander’s wig.

OMG, it’s ANGELEA FROM LAST SEASON. Dude, does Tyra pick the ghettoest girls on purpose or WHAT? And she is just as abrasive and arrogant as last year. And just as plain, too. She says that she’s done some research since last Cycle. Okay, so you know one model and you mispronounced “Givenchy.” Anyone with access to the internet can do that.

Naduah. She sounds vaguely Australian to me, but says that her accent is funky because her parents are from all over Europe. Speaking of those lovely people, she was born into a cult where she was sexually abused as a child. MAN, that cult was messed up. She’s got a Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta vibe. Like, in a good way. She is beautiful. Aww, she drew a portrait of Tyra, which Tyra claims she’s going to frame. Yeah, she’s going to frame it. Frame it with the garbage can. Excuse me, the recycle bin. Tyra is all about going green, people! Seriously, that sucks about Naduah’s childhood, though.

Bald can be pretty tasty.

Danielle. Danielle has a lot of face piercings. She says that you don’t have to look “cookie cutter” to be a model. Honey, a few piercings does not an “original look” make. She’s trying to look very tough and hard, but her demeanor is so painfully mousy. She says she’s edgy, but she acts so awkward and uncomfortable that it makes me want to strap her to a yardstick to make her stand up straight.

Hallie. Hallie informs us, “I am a spoiled brat.” Yes. Yes, you are, indeed. She looks like Kate Mara. Later, she stands off to the side gossipping with Danielle. I’m sure that she hooked her claws in poor, mousy Danielle and prevented her from making friends with anyone else. She’s picking out all the people she doesn’t like and obviously pointing them out to Danielle. Those other girls are totally going to notice this and hate her and, collaterally, Danielle for it. She explains to Danielle that “we Southern girls are classy” enough not to be trash. Yes, Hallie. Ragging on people right in front of them isn’t trashy at all. And everyone know that a trailer park accent just screams high society.

Another talentless girl, but in ginger.

Gabrielle. She dives right in with this li’l gem: “I stand out from the other girls because I’m biracial. I can pass as black. I can pass as white.” Uh, you can pass as a skank. What is with this girl and her obsession with being biracial? AHAHAHA… she just informed Angelea: “We’re both gonna make it, or only one of us is gonna make it.” Duh, honey. Duh.

And it’s right back to the biracial thing. Dude, she is OBSESSED. She tries not to cry as she confesses to Tyra that people make ignorant comments about her dad not being her dad or her sister being adopted. Yeah, people make ignorant remarks. You’ve made quite a few already. They ask her if she thinks Angelea is her competition. She honestly replies that she does. At least she was honest.

Simone. She’s cute in a wholesome way (which, after some of these hood rats, I could use), but she’s a li’l too beauty pageant. She looks a little like Aisha Tyler. Oh, and she’s experienced being an outsider because she’s, like, totally the only girl in her sorority that’s black. She says that she wants to be either a Victoria’s Secret model… or Hilary Clinton. Okay, I know that beauty and brains aren’t mutually exclusive as a rule, but in this case, she’s kinda boxed herself in. I’m going to take a wild guess and say that the whole Hilary Clinton probably ain’t gonna work out.

Is this the future of American politics? I'm gonna guess that it's not.

Raina. Good God, those eyebrows!!! She’s talking about how she had buck teeth as a kid, but it’s her EYEBROWS that she needs to worry about. MY GOD, and her lips in the Polaroid!! “I was not a pretty kid at all” — and still ain’t, really. Good God, those brows. They are trying to take over her face. And succeeding, a little bit.

Jessica. We’ve got another Texas beauty pageant queen. She’s pretty, but not really memorable to me.

Brenda. She’s this Cycle‘s requisite ginger. The way she talks reminds me of somebody, but I can’t figure out who. Her teeth scare me.

Alasia. Apparently, she became a Christian a few years ago. At which point God apparently told her to lie to her church leaders and run off to sell her soul to television. She’s trying to quote a verse. She says it’s “Galatians 20… Galations 20…” It’s Galatians 2:20, honey. Despite that, I like her.. She’s totally this season’s Cycle’s funny hood rat. You know, like Dionne from Cycle 8. Man, she was so funny. I loved her.


Funny hood rats are the best kind!

Krista. She’s clearly this year’s cycle’s mean girl. She’s pretty urrrgly, too. She says that she’s a fierce competitor, and she’s “hungry.” I know you’re hungry, honey. That’s why you’re so skinny.

Aimee. She looks kinda like Blake Lively — until she bares her scary teeth. Apparently, she sings, so Tyra asks her to sing an impromptu song. Tyra warbles, “Whyyyy do you waaant to beeee a tooop mooooodeelllll?” And Aimee trills back, “Beecaauuuse it woul beeee a verrry niiice thiiiing to dooooooo.” Okay, she’s not going to make her living as a songwriter, that’s fo sho.

Triple threat: model, singer, songwriter. Not that she's good at any of them. Just that she does them.

Tatiana. This girl has quite a gummy smile. WOW, so gummy. It keeps getting gummier and gummier. I am afraid.

There’s an uncomfortable level of bad chompers in this competition.

Jeanna. OOH, I kinda love Jeanna. I love plus-sized models and their plus-sized personalities. They shouldn’t win, though, unless they actually outmodel the other girls (unlike Whitney from Cycle 10. Who, by the way, is not only not a worthy winner — whatever that really means — but, by some accounts, is not really a plus-sized model).

If this is America's Next Top Model, then I'll eat my hat. Or Whitney will eat it for me because, GEEZ, she's starving.


Moving on.

Nida. She is Pakistani and GAWGEOUS. And girlfriend has a sick bod. She wants to show other Pakistani girls whose parents disapprove of her “career choice” as her parents do that they, too, can make their parents regret sacrificing everything to move to America by stripping down to their skivvies for fifteen minutes of fame.

Alexandra. Her body is pretty sick, I’ll admit, but she’s the kind of plus-sized model I hate — the kind who has no real personality aside from “yeah, I’m a big girl, and I was captain of the cheerleading squad and Homecoming Queen and graduated top of my class and I can do everything to compensate for the fact that I love cheeseburgers.”

Speaking of which:

That’s right, Rowles. You can’t touch me in my own domain.

Anslee. She reminds me a little of Cassandra from Cycle 5. She’s pretty, but not all that memorable. She says she is fierce and then tries to prove it with some scary poses.

QUITTER!!

Okay, so we’ve got our first elimination coming up. Oh, Alasia. You are hilariously stupid and I hope you make it through.

The girls are told that they can check and see if they’ve made the first cut. There is lots of screaming and pushing and running to computer screens to rock music.

Aww, Nida was declined, but she’s handling it like a pro. And mousy Danielle didn’t have the personality to make it through, despite all the piercings and tats. She is handling the news quite badly. She sinks dramatically to the floor and — oh, and they have to blur out her London/France region. And — NOOOO. Girl, NOOOO. Never sink dramatically to the floor in a miniskirt. But I feel bad for the poor girl. She seems like the kind who will cut herself and start working in sleazy bars because she isn’t “good enough.” Honey, maybe you’re not good enough for “ANTM”, but that just means you’re still good enough for law school. Or Walmart.

So who’s left?

Raina’s eyebrows tell me that she must go home while her mouth tells me that she must not. I am sure that this means that she made it all the way to the house.

Now the remaining candidates have to do a photoshoot in which they have to evoke a supermodel. They are to do their own makeup to look like the supermodel they’ve chosen.

Hallie smugly announces that she is going to be Vlada Roslyakova. I’m sure she pored over a lot of fashion mags before finally deciding that Vlada’s last name was long enough to impress the Jays. Her shoot is mediocre at best.

You'll have to do more than correctly pronounce her last name to impress ME.

Angelea decides to go with Agyness Deyn, who is so not like Angelea that it makes me laugh. You see, sometimes, when you compare yourself to someone who is miles better than you, it makes you seem like an utter amateur.

Just like Angelea, but blonde. Oh, and she can model.

Ooh, and there is lots of awkward posing going on. This is so not pretty.

Tatiana picks Ed Hardy’s Tart of the Year, Megan Fox, who is decidedly not a model. The Jays purse their lips and berate her for failing to choose an actual model. “This isn’t America’s Next Top Celebrity,” chides Jay Manuel. Notice that he didn’t say, “This isn’t America’s Next Top Actress,” either.

It's sad when looks and talent are inversely related.

Angelea judges Tatiana for not knowing better than to choose Megan Fox. I then judge Angelea for the ridiculous purple outfit she has on.

Alasia chooses Naomi Campbell, because that is apparently the only black model she can think of. The Jays call her on this, exclaiming that “Naomi would neh-vurr pose like this,” with her arms over her head. They ask Alasia to name her favorite campaign of Naomi’s. Alasia is embarrassed because she can’t think of a single one except for “buhbuhbuh…” She should have thrown a phone at the Jays and made a mad dash for the exit.

Can YOU name your favorite Naomi ad campaign?

Krista smugly judges Alasia for not knowing more about Naomi Campbell and I can’t wait for her to fall flat on her face doing something. Because you know that’s gonna happen eventually. Because this is “ANTM”.

Oh, Alexandra. She’s chosen Cindy Crawford and, to make that clear to everyone on Mars, she has drawn a giant mole on her face. It looks more Fred Savage in Goldmember than Cindy Crawford. Cindy would not approve. But, apparently, she does a good job of asking herself, “What would Cindy do?” because she nails the Cindylike poses.

But, still:

I mean, come on.

Gabrielle chooses Freja Beha Erichsen, which is actually a pretty good choice — she kinda looks like her and is able to pose like her. Somebody actually did do her homework.

Freja Beha Erichsen: ur doin it rite.

Krista is next and takes the easy way out by choosing Giselle. Jay says that she’s doing it well by arching her back. I say she could be doing any number of celebrities on the red carpet.

It doesn't take a genius.

Naduah picks Kate Moss, and she does it rather well. They have a similar waifishness. And, possibly, coke habit.

Well, coke is good for keeping skinny, I guess.

Finally, Raina chooses Adriana Lima. They have nothing in common but their eyes, which have a similar intensity — powerful in Adriana; just plain scary in Raina.

You have no idea how difficult it was for me to find a semi-modest picture of this woman.

Poor Alasia. I need you to stay in for the comic relief. I hope you stay.

Tyra and the Jays get together to talk about final cuts. Once again, Tyra is looking hott.

They think Alasia’s profile pic is weak senior photo. They are correct.

Alexandra’s shot is bad; she’s going for a slouchy look, but it makes her
paunch look quite paunchy.

They talk about the “planes” of Angelea’s face. I think it’s more like the “plains” of her face because she doesn’t look at all remarkable to me. But that might partially be influenced by the fact that I’ve also heard her speak.

EWWW, Anslee’s profile pic is nasty. Her supermodel pic is decent, but unremarkable.

Jay says that he loves Brenda’s body. But her legs be lookin’ SHAWT to me.

Gabrielle impressed Jay. Her walk was good, and she seemed to know a lot about fashion. I actually have to agree.

They think that Hallie’s look is not fresh. Got that right, Tyra. In some of these shots, she looks about forty.

I love Jeanna’s personality, but the judges think that her photos were “meh,” and I have to agree.

They call Jessica a pageant girl (called it!) and wonder if she can be made edgy. Groan, that means she’s most likely in.

Simone’s model photo is not bad. Once again, I think she’s cute. But she probably won’t win.

The judges like Krista’s walk and personality. Her model shoot is decent, but her face is le nasty.

Naduah pretty much nailed it. Shoo in! She probably won’t win, though. And the fact that I think she’s pretty good more or less clinches that.

Raina — very Teen Magazine. That’s who she looks like: DENISE RICHARDS! Sarina knows what I’m talking about. But, unlike Denise Richards, girlfriend has no waist. Scary.

Even in the 80s, these eyebrows scared the crap outta me.

Tatiana’s hair be GREASY. The judges have concerns about her not taking modeling “seriously.” As seriously as you take yourselves? No, probably not.

I must be fully under the sway of the show because Ms. Jay’s ginormo rosette is starting to look kinda cool to me.

TYRA, you look SO GOOD. I’m as shocked as anyone.

So here’s our in list:

Naduah
Jessica
— but there’s no way she’s making it all the way. Lord, Angelea’s already crying. They’ve only called two people.
Simone
Raina.
Tyra keeps getting whisperier and whisperier.
Tatiana. Man, those canines are scary.
Alexandra. MEH.
Krista. She cries. Apparently, she’s been trying out since Cycle 1, which I find kind of pathetic. That also means that girlfriend must be pretty old.
Brenda. When she cries, she’s all red, as Josie Pye once said to Anne Shirley.
Alasia — YAY! It’s going to be a funny season!
Anslee cries and is generally unremarkable.
Gabrielle. Which, of course, means that Angelea’s in. Guaranteed catfights, y’all! Aww, I’m sad that Jeanna’s not in. Well, as sad as you can be for someone you’ve only seen on TV for, like, three minutes.
And, sure enough, our last contestant is Angelea.

I’m so glad Hallie’s not in. There’s only so much pettiness i can handle in one season, and Krista and Angelea are sure to provide plenty of drama on their own.

Hallie’s sure that she should have made it. That makes me guffaw. Aimee’s scary teeth faintly attempt a lame song: “Goodbyeeeeee; it was niiiiice — ” and then the camera cuts her off. I wouldn’t bank on that post-ANTM music career, honey.

The hamsters will be going to NYC, where a new girl will be handpicked to join them. New girl? Hmm, interesting. Upon hearing this, all of the girls look apprehensive. They are all dreading the devil they don’t know. But, for now, they celebrate their momentary victory. Awkward dancing ensues.

OOH, the premiere is 90 minutes long?? I’ve gotta go and record “Modern Family” (if you’re not watching it, begin doing so IMMEDIATELY. This show is TEH OSSOM).

Jessica had make a lot of sacrifices to come on ANTM. She had to leave her husband and baby behind. And yet she found room in her suitcase for the ugly hat she’s wearing.

Gabrielle has an ugly head wrap. So does Angelea. Is this the Cycle of the Ugly Headgear? It’s like bad hat after bad head wrap after bad head wrap, here.

Oh, who am I kidding? It’s always the Cycle of the Ugly Headgear.

The girls meet at Madame Tussaud’s in NYC. Simone pronounces “Tussaud” correctly, and I am impressed. They are greeted by a creepy wax figure of Johnny Depp. A man then comes up and starts snapping pictures of them.

OH, GOD, it’s that tool, Perez Hilton. Only a few of the girls recognize him and they halfheartedly scream in glee/fear. His hot pink sweater hurts my eyes. Johnny Depps’ wax figure does not approve. And he mispronounces “TOO-SOD.” I do not approve.

Anslee’s got an ugly head wrap. That’s four so far.

We flash back to footage of “The Tyra Show” that shows Tyra’s interview with Perez. They made a deal: if Tyra let him come on “ANTM”, he can’t cover celebrities’ kids for six months. Why do you care, Tyra? You ain’t got none. And yo hair in that clip is nasty.

Inside Madame Tussaud’s (aside: someone comments that wax figures freak her out. I am inclined to agree), the girls meet the final contestant: Ren. She’s twenty-two years old and from Dallas and she’s a “free spirit” who “can’t be caged.” She is Winona Ryder circa Heathers. I kinda hope she’s been planted there like a mole, to tattle on the girls to the judges. OOH, or unintentionally kills them!

Keep an eye on your valuables, girls!

Perez tells them they need work. “Look in the mirror,” I growl under my breath. “I want fierce” he blahs unconvincingly. Makeovers.

They pile into the ANTM limo. I hate limos. They’re so uncomfortable to get in and out of. But I do love pillows, and this limo is festooned with them. The arrive at the Sally Hershberger Salon.

Jay Manuel is wearing a bow tie. It is quite twee. He tells them where they are. They cheer. I’m sure they have no idea who she is. Especially Alasia, haha.

Gabrielle says that she is ready for whatever they throw at her, and that she wouldn’t mind looking like Dennis Rodman. Oh, honey, be careful what you wish for.

Is this really what you want, Gabrielle? REALLY?

Anslee nervously confesses that she doesn’t want her hair cut. BWAHAHAHA. This is Cycle 14; don’t you know better than to say that?

Once more for good measure: I can’t get over how good Tyra looks. Looks like someone cut back on her baby back rib intake.

Here are the makeovers:

Ren gets edged out with a fringy cut. Transformation to Winona Ryder 95% complete. She just went from 1989 Winona to 1994 Winona. OH, GOOD GOD. Her armpits!! NOOOOO!!!! Ren claims that she never shaves her pits in support of women’s rights. Her logic is just stunning. Ren’s support of women’s rights drift gently down to the salon floor with her pit hair. She looks good afterwards, though. Very Shalom Harlow.

Will she shoplift the title of America's Next Top Model?

Gabrielle is now very blond. Kinda like Foxy Cleopatra, but not as fierce.

I kinda dig this hair.

Krista’s up next. According to Tyra, her cheekbones will CUTCHA. I’m sure that she will cut you in a more direct way if you cross her. She gets a fake clip-in ponytail. Boring. Ooh, she makes a face — she doesn’t like it. But Tyra is feeling magnanimous and doesn’t punish her for questioning Tyra’s omniscient judgment by shaving the girl’s head. I kind of wish they had, though. That would’ve been fun.

Alexandra gets “fiercely real hair” to go with her fiercely real body. Basically, she gets a few highlights and a blowout. That’s not a makeover. That’s a touch-up. Her lipstick is pale and atrocious.

Simone’s current look is too safe and needs some edge. I actually agree. The sides of her head are shaved, and she actually looks GREAT. She looks — dare I say it? Fierce.

Brenda becomes Ugly Head Wrap #5. Tyra thinks she’s too sexy, so they’re going to cut her hair. And, of course, she cries. You know, the last few Cycles, we haven’t had all that many criers. I was starting to miss it. Brenda’s hair is short like Halle Berry’s. They comfort her by telling her, “Your hair made you look a little older.” And now she looks a little more masculine.

Would you like this better in ginger? I wouldn't.

Angelea judges her for crying over the haircut. I promptly judge Angelea for her ugly head wrap. Judge not lest ye be judged, Angelea.

Brenda thinks her hair was her best asset. She looks scary in her pic, but not because of her hair. It’s because of her face.

And now for Naduah. Ooh, it’s ANASTASIA, of professional eyebrow fame. Oh, no, they made her eyebrows peed-on-snow blonde. I hope she can carry that off. Naduah flogs the cult horse again. I’m sure she’ll be hard-pressed not to talk about it. But she is striking. I wish they hadn’t washed out her lips, though. They look dry.

Angelea gets a long, blonde weave, a la Heidi Klum. She looks great — until you see her face, and then hear her talking about how FIIIIEEEEERCE she looks. Proof positive that you can take the girl out the ghetto but you can’t take the ghetto out the girl.

Raina is getting “chocolate locks” (a look I actually love), but they are not touching her Martin Scorcese brows because Tyra loves them. She does look better, though. They give her lips like the Joker. Like, Jack Nicholson Joker, too.

Wait 'til they get a load of ME.

Alasia is gonna be ferocious. She gets curls, and she looks so cute. It actually looks good. She gushes that she looks girly because her hair is curly. She then explodes with enthusiasm because girly and curly rhyme.

Anslee cries as she realizes they’re going to cut off all her hair. But, ooh, she looks good. She sees high fashion in the ‘do, which Jay also does, and so do i. Her new hair is GREAT.

Tatiana is getting a gold weave. She looks very generic except for the black lipstick they give her in the photoshoot.

Jessica gets chocolate brown, too, and the color is great on her. It doesn’t do much to distinguish her, from the crowd, though. She’s still a generic beauty queen.

Now that the makeovers are done, the girls move into the loft.

Alasia remarks, “That crib is ill.” She wants to have a rave in the tub. I’m sure she would, too.

Angelea is looking… not good. The hair just accentuates her ghetto fabulosity, and not in a good way.

Anslee looks like a chemo patient when she pulls her hair back. She should leave it in her face.

Angelea is already stirring up trouble with Anslee about closet space. So we’ve got one conflict so far and the girls have been in loft for about fifteen minutes. Way to assert your dominance, Angelea!

The girls eat breakfast and are tensely quiet. Brenda complains about the negativity that Angelea brings. She gripes, “We don’t need that in the competition right now,” as though there might be other times at which Angelea’s negativity would be more conveniently received.

Angelea demonstrates what she calls the “b****, please” look to us. Multiple times. I realize that this is how I’ve been looking at Angelea every time she’s onscreen.

Alasia takes Angelea to task for being mean to Brenda. Krista conveniently walks by and forces her way into the conversation.

Ren complains about the fighting. She actually CRIES about it.

Angelea condescendingly informs Alasia that she’s young and accuses Alasia of judging Angelea before gettin to know her. That’s rich, considering how many times I’ve already had to judge Angelea for judging the other girls.

Alasia declares that she won’t hang out with Angelea and Krista. Krista accuses Alasia of being fake. She has pre-judged Alasia. Alasia gets mad. She says that she’s getting her “chocolate a**” outta there, and it’s quite hilarious.

Krista and Angelea self-righteously shake their heads at Alasia’s immature behavior. Krista bemoans it in particular because she and Alasia are the only “chocolate” girls in the competition. And now I totally want to eat one of the three chocolate roses that my sister got from the kids in her classroom for Valentine’s Day.

That’s two fights for Angelea in the first episode, and one each for Anslee and Alasia. Jessica says, “It’s not cool to fight.” This tickles me immensely for some reason, and I teehee about it for a good, long while.

Tyra Mail! “Top models get maximum exposure. You must learn how to cover yourself.” Is this another makeup challenge? Or are they modeling Snuggies?

First photoshoot. How long is this show? It’s gonna take a while to finish a photoshoot, and it’s almost 9:30 already. They’re going to be modeling pieces by Custo Barcelona. Modeling them for whom?

Jay shows them a mannequin with a bunch of clothes and accessories draped all over it. The challenge is this: each girl gets to pick one item and wear it for the shoot — but that’s all they’ll be wearing. It’s a nudie shoot! And it’s over! Ahh, that was satisfying.

Next week: the nude photoshoot. Alasia gets into her second fight (third fight overall). Her victim is Ren. I’m sure it’ll be ghettotastic.

And now that the episode is over, here is a rundown of the makeover photos. I’ve ranked them from lowest to highest in my opinion. I’ve also taken the liberty of using MS Paint to make the outfits a little more modest — and, in my opinion, a little cuter because Lord knows that the high-cut leotard should stay in the annals of 80s history, where it belongs.

I judged these based on how much the makeover improved the girl’s look, as well as how well the girl pulls off the new look in the photo.

13. Brenda.

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Guess someone stole her Lucky Charms.

They gave the poor girl a boy cut, and wardrobe made the unfortunate to dress her in green. Now she looks like a tranny leprechaun dancing back-up in a Jane Fonda workout video from the 80s.

12. Krista

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Quick, somebody call He-Man!!

You can’t just slap a ponytail on Skeletor and call it “high fashion.” She’s so skinny that I’m afraid she’s going to try to eat me.

11. Alexandra

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Business in the front... business in the front.

Alexandra is lucky that I painted over these photos because this nice, black skirt covers the unfortunate things that those shiny, red tights were doing to her real-woman thighs.

Her “real woman hair” is just boring to me.

10. Angelea

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

A good photographer makes a world of difference.

Angelea actually looks much better in this photo than she did in the rest of the episode. Here, her hair just looks sleek and straight. In other portions, it looked stringy and very much like a bad wig. Even so, she still looks like a tranny.

9. Tatiana

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Just be thankful she's not smiling.

Tatiana’s blonde makeover was boring, but still an improvement on the stringy hair she was previously sporting. But can we stop talking makeovers for a second and talk about gums? Being the oral hygiene freak I am, I know that gum recession is a serious problem. But Tatiana’s got the opposite problem, here. If her gums continue to aggressively attack her teeth, she may not be able to chew her food for much longer.

8. Raina

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

This is the Joker pic I was talking about earlier. You need to see the close-up to see how Jokery her lips really look in this pic. That said, I think the dark hair suits her better than the blonde did, particularly because they don’t dare to contradict her eyebrows the way her blonde hair did. I’m a little sad that her hair didn’t win its battle against The Eyebrows, but there’s little you can do to fight evil in its purest form.

7. Naduah

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Somebody get this girl some lip balm, STAT!

I actually love Naduah’s look. But she looks awkward in this pic, and the fact that they gave her peed-on-snow blonde eyebrows makes me sad for her.

6. Jessica

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Who designed that adorable dress?

So, I like Jessica better with brown hair. But chocolate locks aren’t enough to edge out a beauty queen, really. And my favorite thing about this picture is how cute the dress I made her is. I would totally buy this dress.

5. Alasia

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

I feel girly when my hair is curly!

Alasia’s hair looks cute; much better than the funkiness she was rockin’ earlier. And I just love how hilarious she is, so she gets to be in the middle of the pack by default.

4. Anslee

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Cassandra gone right.

I love Anslee’s hair. It looks SO much better short and blonde. I feel like ANTM finally accomplished what it set out to do to Cassandra in Cycle 5. Oh, ANTM. I’m so proud of you!

3. Gabrielle

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Biracial! Biracial! Biracial!!

I’m sure Gabrielle is thrilled with her new makeover. It’s the height of biraciality — the blonde fro. And I have to admit, girlfriend is wearing it well. She looks good here; it’s one of the better pictures.

2. Ren

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Girl, interrupting.

For all the whining and moaning I did about Renona Ryder, I have to admit that she has a Look, and it’s quite stunning. She looks great with her new hair, and is ROCKIN’ the ruby red lipstick. And the li’l dress I made her looks FABULOUS on her, too. Forget ANTM, I should start watching more “Project Runway”!

1. Simone

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Hotness.

I love this look. I love Simone’s new hair — it totally does away with the “pageant queen” vibe I was getting from her before. She’s totally rockin’ it out, and she looks amazing. And the li’l red number I made her is HOTT. I would totally buy this one, too.

So that’s it for my opinions this week. I have so many opinions that it took me a full two days to write them all out, but it was a heck of a lot of fun, so I’m satisfied.

I can’t wait until next week!!