Posts Tagged ‘ren’

America’s Next Top Model, C14E02 Recap: “Dreckitude!”

So we’re back for another episode! I think we’ve got a relatively decent group of hamsters, there. There will be drama, I’m sure.

On with the show!

We cut back to the end of the last episode, and Jay says that this is their first official photoshoot. Uh, I seem to remember a makeover photoshoot that, like, just happened, Jay. Shenanigans!

Jay is also wearing a kilt. I don’t know how I missed that the first time around. I’m also not sure if I think it’s cool or ridiculous. I want to say it’s ridiculous, but, somehow, it kinda works on him. I know, I’m shocked at myself, too.

Jessica tells us she was raised in a religious family, and they are gonna FREAK. OUT. when they find out she did a nude photoshoot. Ah, so she’s That Girl this season. She’s concerned, but obviously not enough to blow off the photoshoot. Way to kinda rebel against your family, Jessica!

Jessica kinda reminds me of Christina Aguilera, when she had dark hair.

If Christina became Xtina when she dyed her hair, does that mean that Jessica is now JXica?

Raina sees a jacket and a shirt, and says that she just wants to grab whatever will offer her the most coverage. Hey, Raina, just use your eyebrows! That’s a lot of coverage right there.

Anslee feels sorry for the mannequin because it got totally manhandled during the clothing grab. That was a pretty brutal scene. Kinda reminded me of this:


This video is property of Disney

The girls head into hair and makeup.

We see blurring. The girls is nekkid, and ready for their nekkid photoshoot.

Alexandra has a necklace. I am reminded that she’s the plus-sized model this cycle — that’s a lotta body.

Angelea models shoes. Tatianna says that she wishes Angelea would get booted because her personality sucks. Ha!! But then what would entice the viewers back, Tatianna? Well, besides the raging battle being fought between your teeth and your gumline?

Raina has a ring. Her eyebrows insist that I compliment her shoot, and it makes me feel awkward.

Gabrielle has leggings, but she doesn’t know who her inspiration is. She gives some dead, dead face, and Jay wants to see more of a glint in her eye. Jay complains that she’s not modeling H2T (that’s “head to toe” for you ANTM newbies).

Jessica has shorts, and is worried about her grandma seeing her nekkidness on TV and freaking out. But not so worried that she stops.

Alasia gets a vest. She does a few boring poses before Jay finally asks her to “try something different.” She does something different all right: she puts the vest on backwards and then gives the photographer a butt-shot. Seriously. Just… all booty. Jay clearly thinks this is strange, but they shoot away anyway.

Ren has the hat. She boasts about getting along naturally with
the stylists. A real humble one, that Ren. Angelea says that she doesn't think much of Ren, but admits that she had a "bomb-a**" photoshoot.

Krista gets a shirt. I think it’s a dress at first, because it’s nearly long enough to be one, and we all know how much models love minidresses. But it’s clear that it’s a shirt. Oh, and instead of putting it on, Krista just drapes it over herself, like a tiny, ornate blanket. That’s just lazy, IMO.

Tyra Mail! Ooh, there will be an elimination right off the bat!

Naduah’s not nervous and doesn’t think that she, Brenda or Simone should be booted. Brenda hopes it’s not her. I kinda hope it is. But I suppose there’s someone who deserves to get booted more.

Tyra greets the girls at panel. Sally Hershberger is the guest judge.

André Leon Talley!! André Leon Talley!!! Holy freakin’ crap. I’ve never seen him without his signature shades before. I can’t believe they got him to be a regular judge on the show. Nigel bows to him, and rightfully so. I have to think hard about who the previous judge was before I remember that it was Paulina Porizkova (by the way, I just now realized that the world has been mispronouncing her name all along. It’s actually “Pavlína Pořízková”).

Ren goes first. She’s modeling the hat, and her picture is pretty good. ALT says that she’s showing some naïvete in it, and I agree. I can’t help but to agree with ALT, except in the incident with Jennifer Hudson’s Oscar dress.

Oh, ALT. Why? WHY???

Angelea is up next, modeling shoes. ALT says he loves her makeover. Maybe he thinks she used to be a man. The judges love her pose. It’s not bad, but I just can’t stop looking at her tranny face.

Alexandra has the necklace. She’s covering herself with her hands. The judges say that the handboob seems too forced. ALT also says that he needs “ZHOOSH” and doesn’t see it in this picture. I can already see that I’m eventually going to need to start a glossary of ALT terms.

Raina’s hands are graceful in her picture. She’s modeling a ring. ALT compares her to a courtesan. Raina doesn’t know what a courtesan is and when she finds out, she’s like, “Oh.” Ha. The picture actually is quite stunning — except that the eyebrows are coming to get me.

Anslee is wearing too much crap. The judges make her take a
bunch of it off. After all the seasons that the judges have been making the girls strip at panel, you’d think they’d learn how to go minimal on the accessories. And now for her picture. ALT says he has a telescopic view of her nether regions, but she works it. Yikes.

Simone. Tyra thinks she needs to smize more. And I need to smack Tyra more. I have never in my life hated a portmanteau, but, by God, I hate this one.

Gabrielle. She looks like a scared, little kid in her pic. The judges chide her for losing her neck a lot in her pictures. Her hair, which I actually kinda like when it’s loose in all its fro-ey glory, is pulled back by a headband with a random flower on it. She looks crazycakes at panel.

Jessica is wearing a twee, little skirt, and the judges make her take it off. She actually does look more high-fashion without it. I try not to think about the fact that she’s basically wearing a tank top over pantyhose. Speaking of high-fashion, the judges think her shoot with the shorts is high-fashion. She is happy that Tyra calls her a caméléon, with a French accent. That’s French for “chameleon,” I guess.

Krista. The judges are not pleased that she didn’t wear her switch (remember, in These Happy Golden Years, when Cap Garland teases Mary Power by pulling out her bobby pins, threatening to reveal to the world that Mary’s beautiful bun was actually a switch? Ahahahaha!!!). She promises not to disobey them again.

Naduah. ALT thinks her pic looks artificial. Her giant hoop earrings make her look like she’d be better suited for a street corner in Vegas than the runways of New York and Paris.

Brenda. ALT thinks the legs are awkward in the pic. They ask Brenda about her makeover. She confesses that she was uncomfortable with it because her hair has always been her security blanket. Sally says there were lots of models whose short haircuts launched their careers, but she gives no examples. Sally is totally the type of person who talks about books she hasn’t read as though she has.

Tatianna. Her pose is sexy (a little too much so, IMO), but Tyra complains that she just did this one pose the whole time.

Alasia. They picked the photo of her doing the butt pose. Alasia cries silently. ALT says that he liked it. Nigel laughs at him. He will probably turn up dead later as a result.

ALT continues to defend Alasia’s pic, saying he would have it framed and put up in his house. Tyra asks where he’d put it, implying that it would go in the bathroom with a sign over it that says, “Don’t forget to wipe.” He shoots back that he’d put it in his salon (which sounds so much cooler when you say it with a French accent), where he and his undoubtedly FAAAAAbulous friends would talk about art and culture and who-is-this-girl-and-what-makes-this-picture-so-beautiful?? DUDE, I totally wanna hang out with ALT in his salon. Tyra looks dubious. Alasia continues to cry. It is not pretty.

The judges dismiss the hamsters so that they can deliberate.

Ren is good. They like her pose.
ALT doesn’t approve of Simone’s pose. He thinks she’s boring.
Tatianna’s pose was good. The scarf is Roberto Cavalli-ish, Gucci-ish, Dior-ish. Apparently, this scarf is the ish.
Gabrielle’s pic is unanimously panned as awful.
Jessica’s pic is unanimously lauded as amazing.
ALT likes Krista in person, but her photo was not great.
Naduah is just “meh.” But Tyra would totally buy the shades.
Alexandra’s face is retro, and they love it.
Brenda’s face is good. Her photo is so-so.
Raina. They love her body language.
Alasia. Nobody likes her pic but ALT. They make an “asset” joke.
Angelea has delicate hands, according to Nigel. ALT corrects him and says that those are powerful hands. Man-hands, I’d say.
Anslee is generally loved.

A decision is reached. The girls file back in and Tyra whispers the typical spiel. She has thirteen beautiful girls standing before her, but she only has twelve photos in her hands. These photos represent the girls that are still in the running to become America’s Next Top Model. The first photo she is going to call represents the girl who the judges think had the best photo this week. And, ooh, a twist: whatever the prize is in their next challenge, the photo winner from the previous week also gets.

Best photo this week is: Jessica. Defying her parents and offending her grandma was totally worth it!

The runner-up is Angelea. Whatever, judges. And the rest of the girls, in order:

Ren
Brenda
Simone
(She is so pretty!)
Tatianna
Anslee
Raina
Naduah
Tyra kinda mimics how she speaks and it cracks me up.
Alexandra
Krista

Gabrielle and Alasia step forward. I think it’s safe to say that Gabrielle’s a goner because: 1. ALT likes Alasia. 2. Gabrielle’s photo was legitimately awful. 3. The teasers show Alasia having a fight in this episode, so we know she sticks around. Thanks for the spoiler, show.

The anticipatory plinky piano music is very creepy. If a clown walked into the room right now, I would totally scream.

Sure enough, Alasia’s still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Model.

Gabrielle is composed — so composed that it’s kinda boring. She breaks down in confessional, though. She says that she though she would be that “one” who broke the barrier. What barrier? First biracial top model? Okay, that’s specific. Now I wanna be America’s first fat and Asian Top Model Blogger.

After eliminations, Ren is wearing an awful headwrap. First of this episode, sixth in the series! She’s got a brutal headache — so she pours herself a glass of wine. Who needs aspirin? She snits that she’s “far too intelligent” to be here. Uh, that would be belied by the fact that you are there, honey.

Tyra Mail! “Why did the model cross the road? Guess you’ll have to find out tomorrow.”

Alasia screams guesses as to what this means at the top of her lungs. Ren shoots her a dirty look. Even I am annoyed.

In the girls’ bedroom, Naduah beats the cult horse again. But she says that she wouldn’t change anything in her life because those experiences were what made her stronger. Uh, not even the sexual abuse? Thousands of girls whose lives will never be the same would beg to differ.

She says that she has standards because she refused to work for Playboy. But she is here to make money. Apparently, she has a husband, and he’s black, and she announces that as though she expects someone to hand her a prize. You’re a regular civil rights crusader, Naduah.

She says that she was living on the street for a while. Raina confessionals that she thinks Naduah’s stories have a lot of inconsistencies. She tells Naduah that she should have just done the Playboy shoot to make money and not live on the streets. Forget Playboy, how about McDonald’s? If you choose to live on the streets in the name of pursuing your dream, then don’t complain.

Brenda doesn’t believe Naduah’s story. There’s no ring on her finger, so how could she possibly be married? Your deductive reasoning amazes me. Because if she were really married, she would have to have a ring!! And she wouldn’t physically be able to take it off! In short, they think she’s a liar. Anslee doesn’t feel bad for her at all.

Clearly the girls are somewhat threatened by her because of her dramatic story — it wouldn’t be the first time that Tyra kept a contestant around because of the drama factor.

The next day, the hamsters walk up to a “white carpet” and Jay Alexander pops out from behind a table. The girls scream their approval. As usual. He informs them, “A top model must keep her timing and pace perfectly.” He shows them how to take off a coat on the runway. He’s actually really good at it. I am totally going to be unbuttoning my coat from the bottom up from now on.

The girls take turns practicing. Alexandra says that she takes criticism well because she’s had coaches in her face all her life. She’s got a thick skin because she grew up having to get yelled at all the time. Oh, and, also, she’s fat. Get it? Fat? Thick skin? See what I did there?

By the way, I should probably explain here that when I say “fat” in the context of ANTM, I only mean that she’s not a size 0. Lord knows that I’m morbidly obese by those standards. So please don’t leave angry comments about how I’m being totally unrealistic and Alexandra is NOT FAT, SHE’S BEAUTIFUL.

Anslee slouches because she has a baby, apparently. She blames her slouchiness on the fact that she basically pushes around a stroller all day. LAME!!

Jay sees potential in Ren, but I think her walk is awkward. She looks like a teenager trying on her first pair of heels and pretending to be a model when she thinks nobody’s looking.

Angelea makes fun of Alasia. Her walk is undeniably awful.

Jay introduces the next exercise: they have to walk across the street. Impossible!! They have to walk across a New York City crosswalk fiercely, whilst unbuttoning their coats, and then walk back before the light changes. The girls treat this as though this will be the most difficult challenge of their lives. They do have to do it with a bunch of pedestrians watching, though.

Jessica goes first and causes a few people to double-take. She was pretty good, I must admit.

Angelea goes next — people are staring at her, and not in a good way.

Ren complains about the challenge. If you hate this so much, then GO HOME, REN.

Brenda looks weird.

Naduah loves the attention. That’s a shock. One pedestrian thought she looked really weird. Other pedestrians think it’s too cold to take off your jacket in NY.

Tyra Mail! “Tomorrow you will really need to be in the swing of things.”

Alasia screams her guesses yet again. Ren wants Alasia to shut up, already. Ahh, this is going to be great.

The girls are at Surrogate Courthouse. There’s a runway. It’s the first runway challenge! Rachel Roy is there. She is beautiful.

The girls will be modeling Rachel Roy dresses. The winner gets to keep the garment and be featured on rachelroy.com.

The runway will have giant pendulums swinging over it. They have to walk through swinging pendulums with perfect timing. I really, really wanna see a girl get clocked. Ooh, ooh! Do you see what I did there? I am on a ROLL!

There is actually an audience for this show. And it’s actually a cool concept for a runway show.

Simone goes first. They have to go down stairs before they hit the runway. HAHA!! Simon gets clocked like Flava Flav! The crowd gasps.

Brenda looks like slouchy to me, but Jay thought it was elegant.

Angelea and Krista walk without incident.

Jessica gets clocked. She has a jacket to unbutton, and she does a good job with it.

Alasia has bright red lipstick and it’s kinda cool. She makes it through without getting hit, which is fortunate for her.

Ren staggers to avoid getting clocked. She looks very awkward all the way through.

Anslee, Tatianna, Raina, and Naduah make it through.

Alexandra’s up. She’s nervous. OOH, she falls down the stairs!! Her competitive streak picks her up, but she’s definitely shaken. “Make it fierce, make it fierce,” she tells herself. She concentrates so hard that she looks mad. She makes it to the end of the runway without incident.

And then, on her way back, she gets hit with a pendulum — that knocks her right off the runway! She skins her knee and rips the dress. Ooh, if she wins, is she going to ask for an undamaged dress?

After the show, Jay and Rachel give the girls some feedback. Alasia needs to take longer, more elegant steps. Brenda was good. Raina gets better the more she walks. Ren was too tight. Naduah pouts as she walks. When she’s effortless, she’s beautiful. That’s actually true.

Brenda wins the challenge. She will get to keep her dress AND be featured on Rachel Roy’s website. MAN, her teeth are scary. Jessica also gets to keep her dress because she won best picture last week.

They go home and Alasia screams about something and Ren finally snaps and tells her to shut the *bleep* up. Alasia exploooodes. Ugly head wrap #6! It’s the battle of the ugly head wraps. She screams at Ren, like, right in her face. Krista laughs at the shenanigans. Alasia confessionals that she hates having to snap at people like that. Hee. Because she just had to.

Alasia’s all up in Ren’s face, screaming that she will not be disrespected. She viciously throws some utensils into the sink. Someone tells Alasia to calm down, which riles her up all the more, and she continues hootin’ and hollerin’. It’s all very entertaining. She shouts that Ren needs to calm the *bleep* down, and Ren retorts, “You’re the one who’s screaming, and you’re telling me I need to calm down?” She actually as a point.

Alasia storms out, and Ren complains about Alasia to the other girls. She picks up a wooden spoon from the sink and says, “And I just had this thrown at me?” Alasia screams from the hall, “If I’d wanted to hit you with it, I would have! Because I was standing, like, two feet away from you!” AHAHAHA!!!

In confessional, Ren cries because she actually chose to live in this crazy house instead of living a normal life. Might I also remind you, Ren, that you also chose to tell Alasia to shut the *bleep* up instead of going about it in a more civil manner. Granted, Alasia would probably have blown up anyway, but at least you’d be justified in your self-righteousness if you hadn’t been rude yourself.

Alasia gets in a parting shot as she flees the scene for good, shouting, “I know where you sleep, dogg!” AHAHAHA!!! Now that’s what I love to see!!

Anslee tries to talk to Ren about the incident. She calls Ren “Chikorita,” which makes me sad because a good friend of mine who used to call me that just got married and moved away and I miss her.

Aww, I miss you, Chikorita!!

Anslee comforts Ren, but later confessionals that if Ren doesn’t want to be here, she doesn’t need to be here. I quite agree. This is America’s Next Top Model, not America’s Next Top Ungrateful Punk.

Tyra Mail! “Make your mark before you disappear.” The girls think the photoshoot may involve magic. I think they are stupider than I could have hoped.

They go to a dilapidated building. Krista says, “I don’t wanna be here! I’m scared!” I am, too, Krista. Of your face.

They go to the rooftop, where Jay Manuel meets them and explains their assignment for the day. They’ll be modeling a fragrance — it goes on as a color and then starts to fade. There will be wind and rain in the shoot.

It is not a warm day, as is evidenced by Raina’s fur hunter’s cap. As though she needs more fur on her face.

Alasia goes first and, when the water turns on, it shoots her right in the ear. Alasia says that she thinks she got water in her briain. I think so, too. She’s shivering, and they keep telling her not to look so cold.

Jessica is using the fabric beautifully.

Alexandra thinks she needs to do really well because of her runway walk. Jay is enchanted with her shoot and he calls her Cindy Crawford. This should please her since she chose to model Cindy for the shoot that got her into the house.

Or need I remind you… of this??

Anslee says Naduah thinks that Naduah knows too much. Naduah thinks people are uncomfortable around her because she’s so confident. I think it’s because she’s practicing her poses in the corner with nothing but a bra on. Weirdo.

Despite her confidence, she doesn’t do well in her photoshoot. Everything she does is contrived.

Raina gets some gorgeous shots and was Jay’s favorite of the day. She nailed the straight-on shots.

Ren is cracking up and Jay stops the shoot. “Don’t look cold,” they say.

Naduah is wearing a crazy mask in confessional. Her attitude reminds me of Elina from C15. She’s so pretentious and thinks that confidence is more important than taking a good picture.

Elina -- embodying pretention and overconfidence since Cycle 11.

Tyra Mail! Eliminations!

Ren cries in confessional (again!) that she’s not willing to give up her happiness and sanity for this. If the other girls are willing to do that, then maybe they do deserve this more than she does. And yet she persists in not quitting. I don’t understand.

Alasia says that she’s sure that everyone thinks it’ll be her. Someone asks her why she thinks that, and she replies that it’s because her walk wasn’t that good. No one dares to contradict her. Because she knows where they sleep, dogg.

Panel! We get introduced to the judges for the second time in the episode. The guest judge this time is Rachel Roy. Tyra says that Rachel is her good-luck charm because she won an Emmy in a Rachel Roy dress. Tyra won an Emmy? For what??

Alasia: ALT calls her “dreckitude” — meaning that her look at panel is a wreck. I write “dreckitude” in my ALT glossary. But Tyra loves Alasia’s picture. Interesting that they disagree on her again.

Anslee has a beautiful profile. Tyra says that she’d buy foundation from her, but it wasn’t even her color. And foundation wasn’t the product. Wasn’t it perfume?

Ren tosses out excuse after excuse. Nigel says she’s her picture looksl like it’s selling H1N1 vaccine. It does look like she’s got a really hot cold. It reminds me of this:

Krista’s pic is stunning. Except for her face! ALT compares her to Naomi Sims, which is a fair comparison.

Like Krista, but better!

Naduah — ALT isn’t feeling it. It’s manufactured drama. Tyra thinks she looks like an ad all the time, and not in a good way.

Rachel loves Tatianna. ALT likes the fragility. I think: HER TEETH!! They’re totally losing the battle. CALL IN THE ARTILLERY!!

Brenda’s photo is no good. Side lighting is not her friend. It makes her look years older. That and the hair combine to make her a little, old man.

Jessica’s shot is okay; the fabric saves her. Her face looks lame.

Angelea’s hair is a mess. Nigel counsels her to open her mouth to get a little sexy.

Alexandra — it’s a good pic, but Tyra doesn’t get it as a fragrance ad. I’d totally forgotten that this was supposed to be a fragrance ad. The other girls just did such a good job!

Simone! She’s beautiful. The judges are wowed. But ALT doesn’t think we’ve seen the real Simone, yet; he thinks she’s holding back. I’ve decided that she looks much more like Kerry Washington than like Aisha Tyler.

So pretty! And she was the best part of Save the Last Dance, which was an abysmal movie with not enough dancing.

They love Raina’s picture. I think that’s at least partially because they nuded up her lips, so she’s not looking so Jokery. Her eyes are admittedly good.

The judges deliberate. ALT calls the shoot a train wreck, but Nigel thinks it’s not bad.

Rachel really likes Krista.
Naduah is “dreckitude”. She’s average. Her pix are flat.
Tatianna looks younger that she is, unlike Brenda.
Rachel is worried that Brenda can’t take pix because she’s going to be on Rachel’s website.
ALT wants to be étonné, but wasn’t by Jessica. I looked that up; it means “surprised” in French. There’s so much more French on this show now that ALT has shown up. That’s only because I’m not counting all the English words that Tyra just says with a French accent. ALT has a Masters in French from Brown, y’all.
They talk about Angelea, and how she seems all refined in photos, but is super-ghetto in person. ALT ghettos it up by imitating Angelea’s hood-rat attitude. I feel like the truth came out just a little bit, there. He did grow up in North Carolina, after all.
Alexandra is pretty, but not remarkable.
Simone is pretty, but not remarkable.
Raina’s pic was fearless. It looked like an ad for men’s perfume. Tyra says she looks like a fierce wolf in her pic. I say, “Well, the eyebrows are about right.”
Alasia doesn’t stand out, but Tyra likes it. She says Alasia looks like she’s going to open up a can of whup-a**. Nigels christens the fragrance, “Smell of Whup-A**”. Hee.

The Spiel. Who’s the best photo?

Raina is the winner. Tyra howls at her because she looked like a fierce wolf in her pic. She makes a halfhearted attempt to howl back.
Krista is next, and she makes a shocked face. She can’t believe she’s up so high on the list. I can’t believe it, either.
Anslee
Tatianna,
who smiles with her mouth closed, probably for my benefit. I appreciate that, thank you.
Simone
Alexandra
Angelea
Alasia
— ooh, she needs to stop wearing her glasses to panel. I’m surprised that the panel hasn’t called her on it, yet.
Brenda
Jessica

Creepy, plinky clown-piano. Showdown: Ren vs. Naduah. Hmm, who will get the boot? I’m guessing Naduah, since Ren has more drama potential. Also, she was hand-picked, people!

I was right and Ren is still in the runniing to become America’s Next Top Model.

Naduah hugs Tyra and struts back to the house and cries. She feels that she didn’t get the opportunity she deserved. Because she just deserves to win. And everyone should get exactly what they deserve. And you totally deserve everything you think you deserve.

Next week on ANTM: Toccara is on the Fab Bus. Brenda and Anslee throw down.

Okay, now here’s my take on the photoshoots. Let’s start with the nekkid one. I’ve taken the liberty of clothing them, for modesty’s sake.

Yes, I am a prude. Why do you ask?

13. Gabrielle

America's Next Top Model

America's Next Top Scaredy-Cat

Why does she look afraid? This looks like a cover for a supermarket novel in which the heroine has a deep dark secret that she’s never told any of her go-go dancin’ friends. Gabrielle was rightly booted.

12. Alexandra

America's Next Top Model

Awkward! And it's not just because of the hand-boob!

Poor Alexandra just looks so painfully awkward, here. Her bent left arm is trying to tell me that she’s going for the broken-down doll look, but it ends up looking more like she just can’t get comfortable on that cube. And no wonder. A cube does not make for a comfortable piece of furniture.

11. Alasia

America's Next Top Model

BUTT SHOT!!

I’ve gotta give Alasia props for making it into ALT’s salon. That said, I cannot ignore that this is a butt shot. It’s like she’s saying, “Hello, world! This is my butt! Have you met it?” And I agree with ALT (on pain of death, in my imagination) that she’s at least taking a risk and that it’s interesting, but I really, really, really don’t think that this pose is doing the vest any favors.

10. Naduah

America's Next Top Model

Look, everyone, it's Captain Obvious!

Naduah has the opposite problem that Alasia has. Alasia forgot that she’s supposed to be selling a vest. Naduah, here, is far too aware that she is selling sunglasses. And not just selling them, but modeling them. I think I would have appreciated it more if she’d just worn them. The way she’s posing here is just a little too, “Look at these glasses! I am modeling them!! I am HIGH FASHION!!!” In short, I thought it looked really contrived.

9. Tatianna

America's Next Top Model

I'm just thankful her mouth is closed.

Tatianna’s pose here is just a little too Maxim for my tastes, although I’m sure that Tom Ford would love this shot. She does a decent job of showing off the scarf, but she looks awfully tense. Look at how big her calves are in this shot. She’s giving Alexandra a run for her plus-sized money with them calves. If she’d relaxed her feet, it might’ve been better. But I will give her extra points every time she shields me from her teeth. EVERY. TIME.

8. Angelea

America's Next Top Model

And now think about what she sounds like, and I guarantee that the picture will look uglier to you.

Okay, I’ll agree that Angelea’s right hand is gorgeous in this shot. It’s a generally good pic except for two three: first, her handboob is just as awkward as Alexandra’s was. Second, I wish her toe was pointed a bit more; it would’ve been more graceful. Third, her face. She looks so sleepy. And, also: THAT’S A MAN, baby!!

7. Brenda

America's Next Top Model

If only she were selling this dress.

This is actually a great pic. Her body is good, and her face is fierce. My only big problem with this pic is that she’s supposed to be modeling the watch — and we can’t even see the watch face in the pic. But she is doing a great job of modeling this dress I made for her.

That said, I wish they’d given Brenda this hair instead of the makeover hair they actually gave her. But, nooo, they had to have a ginger on the show.

6. Krista

America's Next Top Model

What do you mean, 'Shirts are for wearing?'

I didn’t find Krista’s legs to be awkward at all. In fact, I think that her legs in this shot are amazing. And her lounging back looks natural. But her arm clamped across her torso does not. It looks like she started getting cramps in the middle of the shoot. And, also, please tell me that she at least tried on the shirt. Please tell me that Jay suggested that she take it off and drape it over herself. Because I can think of few things stupider than modeling clothing by just holding it up to yourself.

5. Ren

America's Next Top Model

What hat?

Oh, Renona Whiner. She looks gorgeous in this pic, but she’s just not modeling the hat. It’s there, but it doesn’t look like she’s aware of it at all. I kinda wish she’d reached up to touch the brim or something, just to acknowledge its existence in the picture.

Take a lesson, Renona Whiner. This is how you model a hat:

Now, this is a hat I'd want to buy.

I just realized that every time I even see a lolcat, I think, Suck it, Rowles.

4. Anslee

America's Next Top Model

So clutch, in more ways than one.

I love this pic. It’s interesting, and her hands are natural, but pretty. My only nitpick is that I wish she weren’t looking quite so far off to the right — from far away, I feel like all I can see is the whites of her eyes, which is scary. But I think she took a heck of a great pic. Good for her.

3. Simone

America's Next Top Model

I so want this jacket.

Now, Simone’s eyes are closer to where I wish Anslee’s had been. Her face and her pose are so elegant in this pic. And I want, want, want that jacket. I didn’t quite see why the judges thought it was so boring; I thought it was gorgeous. But I guess that’s why I’m not the Editor-at-Large of Vogue.

2. Raina

America's Next Top Model

Okay, I admit, it's a good picture. I can be a grown-up about -- EYEBROWSEYEBROWSEYEBROWS!!!

Okay, even I have to admit that Ol’ Eyebrows pulled it out for this pic. Her body is absolutely amazing in this pic, and the pose is just so elegant — perfect for modeling that ring. And I am also quite proud of the li’l dress I made her, and she is modeling it beautifully. My only tiny nitpick is that her eyes look a wee bit sleepy. But I’ll just blame that on The Eyebrows and move on (before The Eyebrows come for me).

1. Jessica

America's Next Top Model

I so want this jacket.

This picture is just amazing. There are all kinds of angles going on here, her neck looks looooooooong, and there’s a life and vibrancy to this pic that just grabs me. Jessica’s family should be proud, in a shameful kinda way.

And now for the colored fragrance pix, which, by the way: what the heck is the point of a colored fragrance that fades? Because I sometimes want to walk around with a purple splotch on my neck that dribbles into my dress and then gradually fades? Another win for the Useless Product Board of America.

Anyhoots, here’s my take on the pix:

12. Tatianna

America's Next Top Model

F-f-f-f-ierce? How about T-t-t-t-t-TEEF??

Tatianna WHAT did I just tell you about your mouth? KEEP. IT. CLOSED.

And Jay kept making such a fuss about the girls not looking cold in their pictures. And the first thing I thought when I saw this picture was, “She looks cold.” And her teeth are totally trying to bury themselves in my flesh to keep warm. *shudder*

11. Brenda

America's Next Top Model

Too bad for Brenda that the 80s are over.

Drop the “c” in “cold” and what do you get? OLD. And that’s what Brenda looks here. She looks about thirty compared to the other girls. She doesn’t look quite as nasty as Tatianna, but she still looks nasty to me, somehow. And her pose is so boring.

I can see why Rachel Roy was so concerned about Brenda winning a spot on Rachel’s website. I can just imagine Rachel thinking, This is Rachel Roy, not Talbot’s!!

10. Ren

America's Next Top Model

I'b DOT sick!!

The judges hit the nail on the head here when they said Renona Whiner looks like she’s selling H1N1 vaccine, here. Except that no one would ever do something stupid like make the vaccine purple for no good reason. And why is she doing the “vogue” here? It makes no sense to me.

9. Angelea

America's Next Top Model

I hate when the cat makes a kill and leaves it on my doorstep.

Okay, so I kinda have to give Angelea some slack because Jay was the one who kept telling her that the shots with hair in her face looked good. All the same, that does not change the fact that she looks like something the cat dragged in. She looks like she got caught in a sudden rainstorm, and not in the cutesy, romantic-comedy-first-kiss kind of way.

8. Alexandra

America's Next Top Model

Photoshoots are like the prom -- it's not good when things start getting too handsy.

Alexandra’s face is actually good here. But I don’t get what’s with her and the hand. It’s like her hand is the devil and she’s cut a deal with it to get a modeling career, but part of the deal is that she has to include it in every single shot, no matter how awkward it makes the shot. Hmm, that might be an interesting premise for a movie.

What? If people payed to see Norbit, why wouldn’t they pay to see AlexHANDra?

7. Naduah

America's Next Top Model

I! AM! A! MODEL!!

Here’s the thing with Naduah. I actually think this is a decent pic. But she just tries way too hard. Every shot is like she’s beating us over the head with her modeling. Every pose is so contrived. I used to wonder what the judges meant when they said a model was overthinking it, and now I know what it means. It means this. Naduah tries so hard to be all modelly, and we end up with an artificially modelly pic.

Did she do the worst? I don’t think so, but I’m not disappointed that she’s gone. She never would have won, and I’m rather glad that I won’t have to put up with her sense of entitlement and her “confidence” all cycle.

6. Krista

America's Next Top Model

Meh.

I have no idea why the judges went so gaga for this picture. It was okay, I guess, but she looks like she’s playing chess with you, and she’s waiting for you to make your move. And she doesn’t even look like she’s the type of player who’s trying to anticipate your move because she’s thinking three moves ahead. She just looks like she wants the stinking game to be over so that you guys can play Connect Four like she wanted to in the first place.

5. Alasia

America's Next Top Model

This is fierce with ferocity.

This picture scares me. Yet, I can’t stop looking at it. She looks like she’s telling me, “You should buy this perfume… if you know what’s good for you.” But there’s a wild quality to it that I kind of like.

4. Jessica

America's Next Top Model

ZHOOSH!!

It’s a pity that Jessica’s face couldn’t live up to the ossom that is the fabric in this pic. It really is amazing, and if she could have gotten her face not to look so much like she’s trying to figure out if that guy at the mall is the guy she has a crush on or some other random dude that she’s about to have a crush on, it could’ve been something else. I think if she’d parted her lips, that would’ve made a world of difference. Still, she gets points for utilizing the fabric. Jessica’s really good at taking photos with a lot of energy.

3. Anslee

America's Next Top Model

Action shot!

This pic captures the motion that Jessica was trying to convey with the fabric. Her jawline is absolutely striking in this pic, and her skin looks flawless. My only small nitpick is that her hand looks really stationary, like she forgot that it was in the frame. If she keeps that in mind in the future, she’ll give Jessica a run for her money for the most dynamic shots.

2. Raina

America's Next Top Model

Nude lipstick is her savior.

Okay, I’ll admit it. The Eyebrows actually really work, here. Tyra said that she looks like a wolf in this pic, and there certainly is a fierce, animal quality to her. This is a fragrance ad that would make me look twice. But I don’t really care for musky scents, and that’s what it looks like she’s selling, to me.

1. Simone

America's Next Top Model

SERENITY NOW!!

I love this pic of Simone. Because of the cold, all of the other girls tried to translate their shivers into ferocity and animal energy. Simone somehow managed to turn it into a romantic shot. She looks so wistful here, like she’s thinking about the wonder that was her first love. Madd propz to her for being able to convey that, despite all the water squirting about.

The photoshoots have been… rather pedestrian so far. I hope they liven up the themes of the shoots in future episodes. Come on, ANTM, let’s up the ante!

So what did you think? Agree? Disagree?

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America’s Next Top Model, C14E01 Recap: “Be My Friend, Tyra!”

Confession: I have an unhealthy love for “America’s Next Top Model.” I started watching in Season — excuse me, Cycle Two and haven’t missed a cycle since.

The only only thing that detracts from my enjoyment of the show is that I don’t have anyone to complain about the delicious ridiculosity of the show with. But that’s what the internet is for, right? I am so totally going to recap every episode I get to watch.

Ostensibly, the purpose of this blog is to review books for Cannonball Read and possibly show off my writing chops to potential clients. But who am I kidding? This feature is for me. Just for me.

By the way, consider this a spoiler warning for the rest of the season cycle . Obviously, since this is a recap, I’m going to give away who makes it and who doesn’t.

Not that the pictures of the finalists aren’t already up on the CW website, either.

Vielen Dank to Intern Rusty, by the way. It’s only thanks to Pajiba After Dark that I was even aware that it was premiering tonight. Thanks, Rusty!

Here we go!

So, André Leon Talley is joining the judging panel and, I have to admit, that’s pretty schweet. And I’m rather excited. There are going to be a lot of capes this season, ladies.

First look at the hamsters. I’m just going to go contestant by contestant and try to cluster all of my comments about them until the first cut.

And here’s Tyra. I must admit, Tyra is lookin’ guuuuooooood. Didn’t nobody ever say girlfriend wasn’t FEEEEEAAAAHHCE. But a cutout blazer? I’m sure The Fug Girls are faint with horror.

Ooh, I really love Jay Manuel’s suit. And I really hate Jay Alexander’s wig.

OMG, it’s ANGELEA FROM LAST SEASON. Dude, does Tyra pick the ghettoest girls on purpose or WHAT? And she is just as abrasive and arrogant as last year. And just as plain, too. She says that she’s done some research since last Cycle. Okay, so you know one model and you mispronounced “Givenchy.” Anyone with access to the internet can do that.

Naduah. She sounds vaguely Australian to me, but says that her accent is funky because her parents are from all over Europe. Speaking of those lovely people, she was born into a cult where she was sexually abused as a child. MAN, that cult was messed up. She’s got a Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta vibe. Like, in a good way. She is beautiful. Aww, she drew a portrait of Tyra, which Tyra claims she’s going to frame. Yeah, she’s going to frame it. Frame it with the garbage can. Excuse me, the recycle bin. Tyra is all about going green, people! Seriously, that sucks about Naduah’s childhood, though.

Bald can be pretty tasty.

Danielle. Danielle has a lot of face piercings. She says that you don’t have to look “cookie cutter” to be a model. Honey, a few piercings does not an “original look” make. She’s trying to look very tough and hard, but her demeanor is so painfully mousy. She says she’s edgy, but she acts so awkward and uncomfortable that it makes me want to strap her to a yardstick to make her stand up straight.

Hallie. Hallie informs us, “I am a spoiled brat.” Yes. Yes, you are, indeed. She looks like Kate Mara. Later, she stands off to the side gossipping with Danielle. I’m sure that she hooked her claws in poor, mousy Danielle and prevented her from making friends with anyone else. She’s picking out all the people she doesn’t like and obviously pointing them out to Danielle. Those other girls are totally going to notice this and hate her and, collaterally, Danielle for it. She explains to Danielle that “we Southern girls are classy” enough not to be trash. Yes, Hallie. Ragging on people right in front of them isn’t trashy at all. And everyone know that a trailer park accent just screams high society.

Another talentless girl, but in ginger.

Gabrielle. She dives right in with this li’l gem: “I stand out from the other girls because I’m biracial. I can pass as black. I can pass as white.” Uh, you can pass as a skank. What is with this girl and her obsession with being biracial? AHAHAHA… she just informed Angelea: “We’re both gonna make it, or only one of us is gonna make it.” Duh, honey. Duh.

And it’s right back to the biracial thing. Dude, she is OBSESSED. She tries not to cry as she confesses to Tyra that people make ignorant comments about her dad not being her dad or her sister being adopted. Yeah, people make ignorant remarks. You’ve made quite a few already. They ask her if she thinks Angelea is her competition. She honestly replies that she does. At least she was honest.

Simone. She’s cute in a wholesome way (which, after some of these hood rats, I could use), but she’s a li’l too beauty pageant. She looks a little like Aisha Tyler. Oh, and she’s experienced being an outsider because she’s, like, totally the only girl in her sorority that’s black. She says that she wants to be either a Victoria’s Secret model… or Hilary Clinton. Okay, I know that beauty and brains aren’t mutually exclusive as a rule, but in this case, she’s kinda boxed herself in. I’m going to take a wild guess and say that the whole Hilary Clinton probably ain’t gonna work out.

Is this the future of American politics? I'm gonna guess that it's not.

Raina. Good God, those eyebrows!!! She’s talking about how she had buck teeth as a kid, but it’s her EYEBROWS that she needs to worry about. MY GOD, and her lips in the Polaroid!! “I was not a pretty kid at all” — and still ain’t, really. Good God, those brows. They are trying to take over her face. And succeeding, a little bit.

Jessica. We’ve got another Texas beauty pageant queen. She’s pretty, but not really memorable to me.

Brenda. She’s this Cycle‘s requisite ginger. The way she talks reminds me of somebody, but I can’t figure out who. Her teeth scare me.

Alasia. Apparently, she became a Christian a few years ago. At which point God apparently told her to lie to her church leaders and run off to sell her soul to television. She’s trying to quote a verse. She says it’s “Galatians 20… Galations 20…” It’s Galatians 2:20, honey. Despite that, I like her.. She’s totally this season’s Cycle’s funny hood rat. You know, like Dionne from Cycle 8. Man, she was so funny. I loved her.


Funny hood rats are the best kind!

Krista. She’s clearly this year’s cycle’s mean girl. She’s pretty urrrgly, too. She says that she’s a fierce competitor, and she’s “hungry.” I know you’re hungry, honey. That’s why you’re so skinny.

Aimee. She looks kinda like Blake Lively — until she bares her scary teeth. Apparently, she sings, so Tyra asks her to sing an impromptu song. Tyra warbles, “Whyyyy do you waaant to beeee a tooop mooooodeelllll?” And Aimee trills back, “Beecaauuuse it woul beeee a verrry niiice thiiiing to dooooooo.” Okay, she’s not going to make her living as a songwriter, that’s fo sho.

Triple threat: model, singer, songwriter. Not that she's good at any of them. Just that she does them.

Tatiana. This girl has quite a gummy smile. WOW, so gummy. It keeps getting gummier and gummier. I am afraid.

There’s an uncomfortable level of bad chompers in this competition.

Jeanna. OOH, I kinda love Jeanna. I love plus-sized models and their plus-sized personalities. They shouldn’t win, though, unless they actually outmodel the other girls (unlike Whitney from Cycle 10. Who, by the way, is not only not a worthy winner — whatever that really means — but, by some accounts, is not really a plus-sized model).

If this is America's Next Top Model, then I'll eat my hat. Or Whitney will eat it for me because, GEEZ, she's starving.


Moving on.

Nida. She is Pakistani and GAWGEOUS. And girlfriend has a sick bod. She wants to show other Pakistani girls whose parents disapprove of her “career choice” as her parents do that they, too, can make their parents regret sacrificing everything to move to America by stripping down to their skivvies for fifteen minutes of fame.

Alexandra. Her body is pretty sick, I’ll admit, but she’s the kind of plus-sized model I hate — the kind who has no real personality aside from “yeah, I’m a big girl, and I was captain of the cheerleading squad and Homecoming Queen and graduated top of my class and I can do everything to compensate for the fact that I love cheeseburgers.”

Speaking of which:

That’s right, Rowles. You can’t touch me in my own domain.

Anslee. She reminds me a little of Cassandra from Cycle 5. She’s pretty, but not all that memorable. She says she is fierce and then tries to prove it with some scary poses.

QUITTER!!

Okay, so we’ve got our first elimination coming up. Oh, Alasia. You are hilariously stupid and I hope you make it through.

The girls are told that they can check and see if they’ve made the first cut. There is lots of screaming and pushing and running to computer screens to rock music.

Aww, Nida was declined, but she’s handling it like a pro. And mousy Danielle didn’t have the personality to make it through, despite all the piercings and tats. She is handling the news quite badly. She sinks dramatically to the floor and — oh, and they have to blur out her London/France region. And — NOOOO. Girl, NOOOO. Never sink dramatically to the floor in a miniskirt. But I feel bad for the poor girl. She seems like the kind who will cut herself and start working in sleazy bars because she isn’t “good enough.” Honey, maybe you’re not good enough for “ANTM”, but that just means you’re still good enough for law school. Or Walmart.

So who’s left?

Raina’s eyebrows tell me that she must go home while her mouth tells me that she must not. I am sure that this means that she made it all the way to the house.

Now the remaining candidates have to do a photoshoot in which they have to evoke a supermodel. They are to do their own makeup to look like the supermodel they’ve chosen.

Hallie smugly announces that she is going to be Vlada Roslyakova. I’m sure she pored over a lot of fashion mags before finally deciding that Vlada’s last name was long enough to impress the Jays. Her shoot is mediocre at best.

You'll have to do more than correctly pronounce her last name to impress ME.

Angelea decides to go with Agyness Deyn, who is so not like Angelea that it makes me laugh. You see, sometimes, when you compare yourself to someone who is miles better than you, it makes you seem like an utter amateur.

Just like Angelea, but blonde. Oh, and she can model.

Ooh, and there is lots of awkward posing going on. This is so not pretty.

Tatiana picks Ed Hardy’s Tart of the Year, Megan Fox, who is decidedly not a model. The Jays purse their lips and berate her for failing to choose an actual model. “This isn’t America’s Next Top Celebrity,” chides Jay Manuel. Notice that he didn’t say, “This isn’t America’s Next Top Actress,” either.

It's sad when looks and talent are inversely related.

Angelea judges Tatiana for not knowing better than to choose Megan Fox. I then judge Angelea for the ridiculous purple outfit she has on.

Alasia chooses Naomi Campbell, because that is apparently the only black model she can think of. The Jays call her on this, exclaiming that “Naomi would neh-vurr pose like this,” with her arms over her head. They ask Alasia to name her favorite campaign of Naomi’s. Alasia is embarrassed because she can’t think of a single one except for “buhbuhbuh…” She should have thrown a phone at the Jays and made a mad dash for the exit.

Can YOU name your favorite Naomi ad campaign?

Krista smugly judges Alasia for not knowing more about Naomi Campbell and I can’t wait for her to fall flat on her face doing something. Because you know that’s gonna happen eventually. Because this is “ANTM”.

Oh, Alexandra. She’s chosen Cindy Crawford and, to make that clear to everyone on Mars, she has drawn a giant mole on her face. It looks more Fred Savage in Goldmember than Cindy Crawford. Cindy would not approve. But, apparently, she does a good job of asking herself, “What would Cindy do?” because she nails the Cindylike poses.

But, still:

I mean, come on.

Gabrielle chooses Freja Beha Erichsen, which is actually a pretty good choice — she kinda looks like her and is able to pose like her. Somebody actually did do her homework.

Freja Beha Erichsen: ur doin it rite.

Krista is next and takes the easy way out by choosing Giselle. Jay says that she’s doing it well by arching her back. I say she could be doing any number of celebrities on the red carpet.

It doesn't take a genius.

Naduah picks Kate Moss, and she does it rather well. They have a similar waifishness. And, possibly, coke habit.

Well, coke is good for keeping skinny, I guess.

Finally, Raina chooses Adriana Lima. They have nothing in common but their eyes, which have a similar intensity — powerful in Adriana; just plain scary in Raina.

You have no idea how difficult it was for me to find a semi-modest picture of this woman.

Poor Alasia. I need you to stay in for the comic relief. I hope you stay.

Tyra and the Jays get together to talk about final cuts. Once again, Tyra is looking hott.

They think Alasia’s profile pic is weak senior photo. They are correct.

Alexandra’s shot is bad; she’s going for a slouchy look, but it makes her
paunch look quite paunchy.

They talk about the “planes” of Angelea’s face. I think it’s more like the “plains” of her face because she doesn’t look at all remarkable to me. But that might partially be influenced by the fact that I’ve also heard her speak.

EWWW, Anslee’s profile pic is nasty. Her supermodel pic is decent, but unremarkable.

Jay says that he loves Brenda’s body. But her legs be lookin’ SHAWT to me.

Gabrielle impressed Jay. Her walk was good, and she seemed to know a lot about fashion. I actually have to agree.

They think that Hallie’s look is not fresh. Got that right, Tyra. In some of these shots, she looks about forty.

I love Jeanna’s personality, but the judges think that her photos were “meh,” and I have to agree.

They call Jessica a pageant girl (called it!) and wonder if she can be made edgy. Groan, that means she’s most likely in.

Simone’s model photo is not bad. Once again, I think she’s cute. But she probably won’t win.

The judges like Krista’s walk and personality. Her model shoot is decent, but her face is le nasty.

Naduah pretty much nailed it. Shoo in! She probably won’t win, though. And the fact that I think she’s pretty good more or less clinches that.

Raina — very Teen Magazine. That’s who she looks like: DENISE RICHARDS! Sarina knows what I’m talking about. But, unlike Denise Richards, girlfriend has no waist. Scary.

Even in the 80s, these eyebrows scared the crap outta me.

Tatiana’s hair be GREASY. The judges have concerns about her not taking modeling “seriously.” As seriously as you take yourselves? No, probably not.

I must be fully under the sway of the show because Ms. Jay’s ginormo rosette is starting to look kinda cool to me.

TYRA, you look SO GOOD. I’m as shocked as anyone.

So here’s our in list:

Naduah
Jessica
— but there’s no way she’s making it all the way. Lord, Angelea’s already crying. They’ve only called two people.
Simone
Raina.
Tyra keeps getting whisperier and whisperier.
Tatiana. Man, those canines are scary.
Alexandra. MEH.
Krista. She cries. Apparently, she’s been trying out since Cycle 1, which I find kind of pathetic. That also means that girlfriend must be pretty old.
Brenda. When she cries, she’s all red, as Josie Pye once said to Anne Shirley.
Alasia — YAY! It’s going to be a funny season!
Anslee cries and is generally unremarkable.
Gabrielle. Which, of course, means that Angelea’s in. Guaranteed catfights, y’all! Aww, I’m sad that Jeanna’s not in. Well, as sad as you can be for someone you’ve only seen on TV for, like, three minutes.
And, sure enough, our last contestant is Angelea.

I’m so glad Hallie’s not in. There’s only so much pettiness i can handle in one season, and Krista and Angelea are sure to provide plenty of drama on their own.

Hallie’s sure that she should have made it. That makes me guffaw. Aimee’s scary teeth faintly attempt a lame song: “Goodbyeeeeee; it was niiiiice — ” and then the camera cuts her off. I wouldn’t bank on that post-ANTM music career, honey.

The hamsters will be going to NYC, where a new girl will be handpicked to join them. New girl? Hmm, interesting. Upon hearing this, all of the girls look apprehensive. They are all dreading the devil they don’t know. But, for now, they celebrate their momentary victory. Awkward dancing ensues.

OOH, the premiere is 90 minutes long?? I’ve gotta go and record “Modern Family” (if you’re not watching it, begin doing so IMMEDIATELY. This show is TEH OSSOM).

Jessica had make a lot of sacrifices to come on ANTM. She had to leave her husband and baby behind. And yet she found room in her suitcase for the ugly hat she’s wearing.

Gabrielle has an ugly head wrap. So does Angelea. Is this the Cycle of the Ugly Headgear? It’s like bad hat after bad head wrap after bad head wrap, here.

Oh, who am I kidding? It’s always the Cycle of the Ugly Headgear.

The girls meet at Madame Tussaud’s in NYC. Simone pronounces “Tussaud” correctly, and I am impressed. They are greeted by a creepy wax figure of Johnny Depp. A man then comes up and starts snapping pictures of them.

OH, GOD, it’s that tool, Perez Hilton. Only a few of the girls recognize him and they halfheartedly scream in glee/fear. His hot pink sweater hurts my eyes. Johnny Depps’ wax figure does not approve. And he mispronounces “TOO-SOD.” I do not approve.

Anslee’s got an ugly head wrap. That’s four so far.

We flash back to footage of “The Tyra Show” that shows Tyra’s interview with Perez. They made a deal: if Tyra let him come on “ANTM”, he can’t cover celebrities’ kids for six months. Why do you care, Tyra? You ain’t got none. And yo hair in that clip is nasty.

Inside Madame Tussaud’s (aside: someone comments that wax figures freak her out. I am inclined to agree), the girls meet the final contestant: Ren. She’s twenty-two years old and from Dallas and she’s a “free spirit” who “can’t be caged.” She is Winona Ryder circa Heathers. I kinda hope she’s been planted there like a mole, to tattle on the girls to the judges. OOH, or unintentionally kills them!

Keep an eye on your valuables, girls!

Perez tells them they need work. “Look in the mirror,” I growl under my breath. “I want fierce” he blahs unconvincingly. Makeovers.

They pile into the ANTM limo. I hate limos. They’re so uncomfortable to get in and out of. But I do love pillows, and this limo is festooned with them. The arrive at the Sally Hershberger Salon.

Jay Manuel is wearing a bow tie. It is quite twee. He tells them where they are. They cheer. I’m sure they have no idea who she is. Especially Alasia, haha.

Gabrielle says that she is ready for whatever they throw at her, and that she wouldn’t mind looking like Dennis Rodman. Oh, honey, be careful what you wish for.

Is this really what you want, Gabrielle? REALLY?

Anslee nervously confesses that she doesn’t want her hair cut. BWAHAHAHA. This is Cycle 14; don’t you know better than to say that?

Once more for good measure: I can’t get over how good Tyra looks. Looks like someone cut back on her baby back rib intake.

Here are the makeovers:

Ren gets edged out with a fringy cut. Transformation to Winona Ryder 95% complete. She just went from 1989 Winona to 1994 Winona. OH, GOOD GOD. Her armpits!! NOOOOO!!!! Ren claims that she never shaves her pits in support of women’s rights. Her logic is just stunning. Ren’s support of women’s rights drift gently down to the salon floor with her pit hair. She looks good afterwards, though. Very Shalom Harlow.

Will she shoplift the title of America's Next Top Model?

Gabrielle is now very blond. Kinda like Foxy Cleopatra, but not as fierce.

I kinda dig this hair.

Krista’s up next. According to Tyra, her cheekbones will CUTCHA. I’m sure that she will cut you in a more direct way if you cross her. She gets a fake clip-in ponytail. Boring. Ooh, she makes a face — she doesn’t like it. But Tyra is feeling magnanimous and doesn’t punish her for questioning Tyra’s omniscient judgment by shaving the girl’s head. I kind of wish they had, though. That would’ve been fun.

Alexandra gets “fiercely real hair” to go with her fiercely real body. Basically, she gets a few highlights and a blowout. That’s not a makeover. That’s a touch-up. Her lipstick is pale and atrocious.

Simone’s current look is too safe and needs some edge. I actually agree. The sides of her head are shaved, and she actually looks GREAT. She looks — dare I say it? Fierce.

Brenda becomes Ugly Head Wrap #5. Tyra thinks she’s too sexy, so they’re going to cut her hair. And, of course, she cries. You know, the last few Cycles, we haven’t had all that many criers. I was starting to miss it. Brenda’s hair is short like Halle Berry’s. They comfort her by telling her, “Your hair made you look a little older.” And now she looks a little more masculine.

Would you like this better in ginger? I wouldn't.

Angelea judges her for crying over the haircut. I promptly judge Angelea for her ugly head wrap. Judge not lest ye be judged, Angelea.

Brenda thinks her hair was her best asset. She looks scary in her pic, but not because of her hair. It’s because of her face.

And now for Naduah. Ooh, it’s ANASTASIA, of professional eyebrow fame. Oh, no, they made her eyebrows peed-on-snow blonde. I hope she can carry that off. Naduah flogs the cult horse again. I’m sure she’ll be hard-pressed not to talk about it. But she is striking. I wish they hadn’t washed out her lips, though. They look dry.

Angelea gets a long, blonde weave, a la Heidi Klum. She looks great — until you see her face, and then hear her talking about how FIIIIEEEEERCE she looks. Proof positive that you can take the girl out the ghetto but you can’t take the ghetto out the girl.

Raina is getting “chocolate locks” (a look I actually love), but they are not touching her Martin Scorcese brows because Tyra loves them. She does look better, though. They give her lips like the Joker. Like, Jack Nicholson Joker, too.

Wait 'til they get a load of ME.

Alasia is gonna be ferocious. She gets curls, and she looks so cute. It actually looks good. She gushes that she looks girly because her hair is curly. She then explodes with enthusiasm because girly and curly rhyme.

Anslee cries as she realizes they’re going to cut off all her hair. But, ooh, she looks good. She sees high fashion in the ‘do, which Jay also does, and so do i. Her new hair is GREAT.

Tatiana is getting a gold weave. She looks very generic except for the black lipstick they give her in the photoshoot.

Jessica gets chocolate brown, too, and the color is great on her. It doesn’t do much to distinguish her, from the crowd, though. She’s still a generic beauty queen.

Now that the makeovers are done, the girls move into the loft.

Alasia remarks, “That crib is ill.” She wants to have a rave in the tub. I’m sure she would, too.

Angelea is looking… not good. The hair just accentuates her ghetto fabulosity, and not in a good way.

Anslee looks like a chemo patient when she pulls her hair back. She should leave it in her face.

Angelea is already stirring up trouble with Anslee about closet space. So we’ve got one conflict so far and the girls have been in loft for about fifteen minutes. Way to assert your dominance, Angelea!

The girls eat breakfast and are tensely quiet. Brenda complains about the negativity that Angelea brings. She gripes, “We don’t need that in the competition right now,” as though there might be other times at which Angelea’s negativity would be more conveniently received.

Angelea demonstrates what she calls the “b****, please” look to us. Multiple times. I realize that this is how I’ve been looking at Angelea every time she’s onscreen.

Alasia takes Angelea to task for being mean to Brenda. Krista conveniently walks by and forces her way into the conversation.

Ren complains about the fighting. She actually CRIES about it.

Angelea condescendingly informs Alasia that she’s young and accuses Alasia of judging Angelea before gettin to know her. That’s rich, considering how many times I’ve already had to judge Angelea for judging the other girls.

Alasia declares that she won’t hang out with Angelea and Krista. Krista accuses Alasia of being fake. She has pre-judged Alasia. Alasia gets mad. She says that she’s getting her “chocolate a**” outta there, and it’s quite hilarious.

Krista and Angelea self-righteously shake their heads at Alasia’s immature behavior. Krista bemoans it in particular because she and Alasia are the only “chocolate” girls in the competition. And now I totally want to eat one of the three chocolate roses that my sister got from the kids in her classroom for Valentine’s Day.

That’s two fights for Angelea in the first episode, and one each for Anslee and Alasia. Jessica says, “It’s not cool to fight.” This tickles me immensely for some reason, and I teehee about it for a good, long while.

Tyra Mail! “Top models get maximum exposure. You must learn how to cover yourself.” Is this another makeup challenge? Or are they modeling Snuggies?

First photoshoot. How long is this show? It’s gonna take a while to finish a photoshoot, and it’s almost 9:30 already. They’re going to be modeling pieces by Custo Barcelona. Modeling them for whom?

Jay shows them a mannequin with a bunch of clothes and accessories draped all over it. The challenge is this: each girl gets to pick one item and wear it for the shoot — but that’s all they’ll be wearing. It’s a nudie shoot! And it’s over! Ahh, that was satisfying.

Next week: the nude photoshoot. Alasia gets into her second fight (third fight overall). Her victim is Ren. I’m sure it’ll be ghettotastic.

And now that the episode is over, here is a rundown of the makeover photos. I’ve ranked them from lowest to highest in my opinion. I’ve also taken the liberty of using MS Paint to make the outfits a little more modest — and, in my opinion, a little cuter because Lord knows that the high-cut leotard should stay in the annals of 80s history, where it belongs.

I judged these based on how much the makeover improved the girl’s look, as well as how well the girl pulls off the new look in the photo.

13. Brenda.

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Guess someone stole her Lucky Charms.

They gave the poor girl a boy cut, and wardrobe made the unfortunate to dress her in green. Now she looks like a tranny leprechaun dancing back-up in a Jane Fonda workout video from the 80s.

12. Krista

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Quick, somebody call He-Man!!

You can’t just slap a ponytail on Skeletor and call it “high fashion.” She’s so skinny that I’m afraid she’s going to try to eat me.

11. Alexandra

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Business in the front... business in the front.

Alexandra is lucky that I painted over these photos because this nice, black skirt covers the unfortunate things that those shiny, red tights were doing to her real-woman thighs.

Her “real woman hair” is just boring to me.

10. Angelea

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A good photographer makes a world of difference.

Angelea actually looks much better in this photo than she did in the rest of the episode. Here, her hair just looks sleek and straight. In other portions, it looked stringy and very much like a bad wig. Even so, she still looks like a tranny.

9. Tatiana

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Just be thankful she's not smiling.

Tatiana’s blonde makeover was boring, but still an improvement on the stringy hair she was previously sporting. But can we stop talking makeovers for a second and talk about gums? Being the oral hygiene freak I am, I know that gum recession is a serious problem. But Tatiana’s got the opposite problem, here. If her gums continue to aggressively attack her teeth, she may not be able to chew her food for much longer.

8. Raina

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Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

This is the Joker pic I was talking about earlier. You need to see the close-up to see how Jokery her lips really look in this pic. That said, I think the dark hair suits her better than the blonde did, particularly because they don’t dare to contradict her eyebrows the way her blonde hair did. I’m a little sad that her hair didn’t win its battle against The Eyebrows, but there’s little you can do to fight evil in its purest form.

7. Naduah

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Somebody get this girl some lip balm, STAT!

I actually love Naduah’s look. But she looks awkward in this pic, and the fact that they gave her peed-on-snow blonde eyebrows makes me sad for her.

6. Jessica

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Who designed that adorable dress?

So, I like Jessica better with brown hair. But chocolate locks aren’t enough to edge out a beauty queen, really. And my favorite thing about this picture is how cute the dress I made her is. I would totally buy this dress.

5. Alasia

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I feel girly when my hair is curly!

Alasia’s hair looks cute; much better than the funkiness she was rockin’ earlier. And I just love how hilarious she is, so she gets to be in the middle of the pack by default.

4. Anslee

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Cassandra gone right.

I love Anslee’s hair. It looks SO much better short and blonde. I feel like ANTM finally accomplished what it set out to do to Cassandra in Cycle 5. Oh, ANTM. I’m so proud of you!

3. Gabrielle

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Biracial! Biracial! Biracial!!

I’m sure Gabrielle is thrilled with her new makeover. It’s the height of biraciality — the blonde fro. And I have to admit, girlfriend is wearing it well. She looks good here; it’s one of the better pictures.

2. Ren

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Girl, interrupting.

For all the whining and moaning I did about Renona Ryder, I have to admit that she has a Look, and it’s quite stunning. She looks great with her new hair, and is ROCKIN’ the ruby red lipstick. And the li’l dress I made her looks FABULOUS on her, too. Forget ANTM, I should start watching more “Project Runway”!

1. Simone

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Hotness.

I love this look. I love Simone’s new hair — it totally does away with the “pageant queen” vibe I was getting from her before. She’s totally rockin’ it out, and she looks amazing. And the li’l red number I made her is HOTT. I would totally buy this one, too.

So that’s it for my opinions this week. I have so many opinions that it took me a full two days to write them all out, but it was a heck of a lot of fun, so I’m satisfied.

I can’t wait until next week!!